Lack of a physical relationship between a married couple

[JohnVIII]

…After all this, I still wish him well. I still want him to be the good morally upright Christian man I always believed he could be. But I have come to realize that it is foolish to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I have given him support and opportunity, in many many ways. It was my duty as a Christian wife.

But if I am ever to see him change, I know now that I have to force him to stand on his own feet. The only remaining way to do that is to rip the hammock out from underneath him. In not-so-subtle terms, that means a divorce.

Thanks for sharing [user]Nan S[/user]. I always though that Hard-core Papist Catholic’s would never consider divorce. Don’t you think it would be better if both you and I just tough it out and carry our own crosses? You know I’m just fool enough to do that, I mean “keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result”. Unless the suffering is an end to itself. But the thing is there will still be some sort of pain after divorce as well.

Why can’t love be a simple thing? I’m not smart enough to judge between the two opinions: stay or leave. In the final analysis I’m going to have to follow my heart. I have to try and stay with my wife. I’m sure I will look back one day and see I made the wrong choice, but I love my wife and I can’t leave her, even though she would be happier without me I’m sure. We will probably end up apart eventually anyway and if and when that happens I’ll pack my bags and move to Alaska and start everything new.

I’m glad you made you post so I know you’re out there. We should start some sort of order in the Church. The Order of the Married But nevertheless Lonely Heart’s.

 

[JohnVIII]

Instead of trying to fix her libido is there anything that you can do to simply kill yours?..

I heard that there is some sort of anti-Viagra drug that astronauts use when going into the Space Shuttle. That way we can help make sure we don’t have baby’s in space! Due to lack of demand for such a drug I would expect it to be rather expensive.

 

[JohnVIII]

…I wonder if you have thought about giving it all to God. Could you ask Him to do this for you because you are helpless without Him? I also like the advice someone gave you about praying together with your wife. Would she be open to try this? Maybe you have already tried it. If not, I cannot think of a more beautiful thing to do with your spouse. I don’t know how that would feel because my dh is not religious so I have never experienced it myself. I would think that it would bring you two together in the hope that comes only from the Lord. God bless.

Right on [user]onmyknees[/user]!

 

[JohnVIII]

John,

You wife may vary well have Boardeline Personality Disorder…

I’ve seen her do things like go into the bathroom and change into other cloths then come out and just look at me and say nothing, then go back into the bathroom and change back into the same cloths she had on before, and when I then asked her about it she had no memory of doing it. Spooky! :whacky:

 

[JohnVIII]

…always watch TV or movies with together. Turn off shows with sexual dress or content in her presence. She will start to make the connection that it is not normal to be in a sexless marriage and that these types of things bother you when you see them. You are in an extraordinarily difficult position, being married to a person you are attracted to, but can not have relations with. Extreme measures are needed or you will continue to be confronted with strong temptations. In addition, pray the rosary every day, go to confession often and attend a holy hour of adoration at least once a week…

Ok, I will.

 

[Nan_S]

Thanks for sharing [user]Nan S[/user]. I always though that Hard-core Papist Catholic’s would never consider divorce. Don’t you think it would be better if both you and I just tough it out and carry our own crosses? You know I’m just fool enough to do that, I mean “keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result”. Unless the suffering is an end to itself. But the thing is there will still be some sort of pain after divorce as well.

Why can’t love be a simple thing? I’m not smart enough to judge between the two opinions: stay or leave. In the final analysis I’m going to have to follow my heart. I have to try and stay with my wife. I’m sure I will look back one day and see I made the wrong choice, but I love my wife and I can’t leave her, even though she would be happier without me I’m sure. We will probably end up apart eventually anyway and if and when that happens I’ll pack my bags and move to Alaska and start everything new.

I’m glad you made you post so I know you’re out there. We should start some sort of order in the Church. The Order of the Married But nevertheless Lonely Heart’s.

John,

My prayers are with you that you find resolution to your marital troubles.

Yes, I am hard-core papist. The church considers divorce a grave offense and does everything possible to prevent it. But the church does tolerate civil divorce when necessary to ensure legal rights, provide for care of children, and protect inheritances; in such cases it is not a moral offense. (CCC 2383) Such separated couples are still considered married in the eyes of they church. They are free to participate in Holy Communion, so long as they do not attempt to remarry (or cohabit!) without seeking and being granted an annulment first.

It wasn’t just the lack of intimacy which prompted the priest to suggest I seek legal counsel. It was a lot of other stuff, a self-destructive mindset that goes along with an alcohol addiction. The attitude can be summarized as “live fast, play hard, die young, and leave nothing behind which the tax-man might take.” Of course, that also means nothing is left behind to support the wife in her old age, nor to put the kids through college. That’s where the clause comes in which permits divorce to “ensure legal rights, provide for children.”

When the kids were not yet grown, he would periodically do the “right thing” out of fatherly obligation. But he feels no such obligation towards me. Instead he boasts about how smart he was to choose a wife who could take care of herself. That frees him up to do as he pleases, and he gets free housing in the bargain.

So long as I stay married to him, I am unwillingly supporting and financially subsidizing his self-destruction. In doing so, I am bringing about my own self-destruction as well. Leaving him is the only remaining thing I can do which might, just might, get his attention.

John,

It’s well known that long-term alcoholism or addiction to other substances can cause brain damage, leading to irrational behavior even when the addict is sober. Your wife’s odd behavior is strange enough to make me wonder whether she is suffering from a secret addiction to alcohol or something else. Please take the time to go through the house and her personal effects to find out. Prescription drugs can cause this too, especially if she is seeing more than one doctor. Addicts will not tell their doctors what other drugs (including alcohol) they are using, and the effects from the resulting prescription drug cocktail are frightening. They can also be deadly.

 

[dailey]

He has absolutely no control over what his wife does and I seriously doubt she is going to change. The only thing that he can do is change the way that he approaches the problem.

Sorry, but this makes no sense? Basically telling the OP to give up (because of “serious doubts” the wife will change) is not good advice…one should always have hope.

I agree he many need a new approach…but tinkering with his body is not one of them.