Lack Of Comunication

[rcguy]

Hello,

To avoid being long-winded, I will go the short route to the point. There is a communication problem regarding intimacy between my wife and myself. She is mostly silent about what she wants and needs for me to please her. The times she has told me, I have done what she has asked but I do not get a positive reaction or a response, either by words or in actions. It leaves me at a loss and causes much frustration. Can anyone relate to this and if so, has anything helped this situation? Thank you for any and all replies.

RC Guy

 

[Lea101]

It’s a girl’s thing to want the guy to know everything without having to tell

Your best bet is to just google tips on how to…you know and try your luck. Maybe be a little more dominant, most women like that?

Maybe she’s shy?

 

[rcguy]

I know I’m not the most self-confident guy one could hope for when it comes to intimacy.
I thank you for your encouraging words.

 

[1ke]

It’s a girl’s thing to want the guy to know everything without having to tell

This is a gross generalization. I would suggest while it may be a *girl’s thing *it is not (or should not be) a woman’s thing. This type of behavior is best left behind in high school. The “guess what I’m thinking” game is destructive to a marriage.

Your best bet is to just google tips on how to…you know and try your luck.

This isn’t a Christian approach. Googling something like that is likely to lead to explicit or pornographic items.

He didn’t ask for sex tips. He asked for communication tips.

Maybe be a little more dominant, most women like that?

Generalization once again.

Maybe she’s shy?

OP-- I can suggest that you discuss it at a time when you are NOT in bed or getting ready for bed. Maybe take a long drive or go somewhere when and where you won’t be disturbed or distracted by other things and talk about communication in your relationship.

 

[1ke]

I know I’m not the most self-confident guy one could hope for when it comes to intimacy.
I thank you for your encouraging words.

Then perhaps you need to talk to someone else, like a trusted priest or counselor. Could it be that this is more in your head than a real problem? Could it be that things are fine on her end and you are not accepting that as the truth?

These are just rhetorical questions. These are also things to explore with her at a time when intimacy is not imminent.

 

[Xantippe]

This is a gross generalization. I would suggest while it may be a *girl’s thing *it is not (or should not be) a woman’s thing. This type of behavior is best left behind in high school. The “guess what I’m thinking” game is destructive to a marriage.

This isn’t a Christian approach. Googling something like that is likely to lead to explicit or pornographic items.

He didn’t ask for sex tips. He asked for communication tips.

Generalization once again.

OP-- I can suggest that you discuss it at a time when you are NOT in bed or getting ready for bed. Maybe take a long drive or go somewhere when and where you won’t be disturbed or distracted by other things and talk about communication in your relationship.

I think that one ought to communicate clearly, but what if she really honestly doesn’t know what she likes or what the options are? She can’t ask for what she doesn’t know about. Or she may just be too tired to think.

And the "options’ don’t need to be gross or pornographic. For instance, a foot rub might be nice. Or a rub down with scented oil, etc. Or just kissing. The OP might be well-served to have a mental list of options to ask his wife about. Example: “Would you like me to rub your feet or would you like to just kiss for a while?”

As a general rule (and not just in sex), it is often a good idea to offer a choice of activities, because it helps job the interlocutor’s thinking about what the options are. For example: “On date night, would you like to go out for Thai or just have dessert and a movie?”

Also, it’s an expression of thoughtfulness to put the effort into thinking about what sorts of things our spouse will enjoy doing with us, rather than having the “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” conversation. That’s really lame.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s been a long time since I read it, but Greg Popcak has a book entitled Holy Sex that might or might not be helpful.

It is not morally questionable.

 

[Regina7]

It’s been a long time since I read it, but Greg Popcak has a book entitled Holy Sex that might or might not be helpful.

It is not morally questionable.

 

[Trident_H]

It’s a girl’s thing to want the guy to know everything without having to tell

Your best bet is to just google tips on how to…you know and try your luck. Maybe be a little more dominant, most women like that?

Maybe she’s shy?

Seems a reasonable short list. I’m thinking this is a good start.

 

[AllieT]

God bless you and please be assured of my prayers.

Much depends on so many things, your sexual history together (has it always been like this or is this something new), do you have small children, are you trying to achieve or avoid pregnancy, has there been a past problem with pornography or any other outside influence that negatively impacts things? Look at outside factors first, to see if you can help mitigate those to enhance your intimate life together perhaps.

That said, to generalize (as a rule) most women require more time to soften their hearts and minds to sexual intimacy than men do. God seems to have hard-wired men to be more externally focused and women to be more internally focused, so for women the warm up to sexual gratification takes place much more inside their hearts then it does outside of their bodies.

Perhaps take time to find out ways that your wife feels loved. There is a teaching on “Love Languages” that may be useful, and I recommend it. (it’s compatible with Christian teachings.) Ex: some women love receiving flowers, other women need to hear “I love you”, yet again to another woman she would feel the most loved if you helped her wash dishes. Every person seems to have their favorite way to give and receive love 1) words of affirmation 2) acts of service 3) receiving gifts 4) quality time 5) physical touch

5lovelanguages.com/

This is not the answer necessarily, but making sure that your wife feels loved is a good first step to take.

Great book. It could be very helpful in learning what your wife needs from you, even if she isn’t able to vocalize it.

 

[RPRPsych]

It’s a girl’s thing to want the guy to know everything without having to tell

Your best bet is to just google tips on how to…you know and try your luck. Maybe be a little more dominant, most women like that?

Maybe she’s shy?

While your general sentiment is one I agree with, this suggestion is dangerous. There’s a lot of terrible “how to be teh secks master mack daddeh!!111” stuff out there, some of which is nominally Catholic, but most of which is spiritually and morally dangerous.

 

[Xantippe]

While your general sentiment is one I agree with, this suggestion is dangerous. There’s a lot of terrible “how to be teh secks master mack daddeh!!111” stuff out there, some of which is nominally Catholic, but most of which is spiritually and morally dangerous.

Not to mention probably largely false.

 

[RPRPsych]

Not to mention probably largely false.

Exactly. One of the most egregious (though I think it’s been deleted) was by a self-professed “Alpha Male Catholic” who clearly had never heard the term “custody of the eyes”.

 

[Xantippe]

Exactly. One of the most egregious (though I think it’s been deleted) was by a self-professed “Alpha Male Catholic” who clearly had never heard the term “custody of the eyes”.

 

[RPRPsych]

My sentiments exactly. In one post, he explained in excruciating detail about how God had designed manly men to look for certain, ahem, physical attributes in women, and to beware of those with educational qualifications. That’s when I stopped reading, because I’d just eaten dinner and didn’t want to lose it.