LDR Advice on how long to date

[catholicwx]

Hi all,
I am curious for some advice for my relationship. I am in a LDR with a girl (or lady for those who are sensitive) on the opposite side of the country. We met on CM and talked for a few months on there and other social media outlets and have gone on two dates (about a month and a half apart) where we visited each other. However, one thing we talked about after being bf/gf is how long for a relationship before I pop the question. I suggested the idea of taking a quiz to see how things are really going since we both think things are going well. I also mentioned maybe proposing after a year of dating. Any advice or good quiz references?

 

[Lou2U]

My advice is don’t set yourself artificial dates for when you think you ‘should’ do something. While you are dating, you need to focus on whether this lady is right for you, and that’s a lot more difficult if both of you are working under the assumption of a proposal in 12 months. I’d also recommend spending time with her family and friends, to see her in her ‘natural environment’, and spending time with your family and friends to let her see the same. Bear in mind that even though you’ve been talking for a few months, you’ve only met her in person twice. Aim to meet her in person as much as possible.

Of course, talk about the practicalities of moving an online relationship to an offline one as well.

 

[heidi_storage]

I don’t think a quiz will be as useful as spending time with each other in person. Work toward that goal.

 

[Inquiry]

Artificial dates are a mistake in both directions. You can’t force yourselves to be ready in a year, and if you are certain (and I mean certain) that it is time to pop the question you don’t need to wait.

A quiz will not be too helpful unless you are talking about one of those ones off of trustworthy catholic marriage prep sites where the questions are designed to make you think carefully about who you are, who she is, and what God is calling you to do.

You will know when you are getting close; you can’t miss it. You won’t feel any more certain- you’ll still face the question of “Is marriage right for us?” and “When is the right time?”- but the context is entirely different.

If you want things you can focus on now, consider starting to set money aside in case you need a ring. Small amounts on a weekly or monthly basis are a lot easier than trying to gather the money later. Do not think of this as money for her ring. Think of it as a fund you can use if you get to that point (I wouldn’t even tell her as that could easily convey something you aren’t trying to say). Also, don’t buy the ring until you know she is your vocation, you don’t need a piece of metal trying to push you into something.

Also, I would recommend asking St Raphael for aid. Pretty sure CM has a novena for him that could be helpful for you.

 

[Irishmom2]

As others have said, choosing a date to decide if you should get married is not a good idea. You will always be measuring your words and actions to see if you are ready, and possibly holding back to present your best self, and not your authentic self. And honestly, that is not very genuine. Wait until you just “know.” Especially because you are long distance, you cannot pin a time frame on how the relationship moves. You cannot take a quiz and when you pass you are ready to marry. Honestly, the thought of that is a bit of a red flag to me that you definitely should not be thinking of marriage at all at this point. Only when you know someone so much, their values, their quirks, their outlook on so many parts of life can you consider marriage, and only if you are both on the same page about everything. And once you are there in your relationship, you won’t need a quiz or an artificially set engagement date.

It doesn’t seem like you are there yet.

 

[catholicwx]

We don’t have an artificial date yet since we don’t know how long we should date before I propose.

 

[Lou2U]

I agree completely with @Irishmom2.

We don’t have an artificial date yet since we don’t know how long we should date before I propose

Well, that’s the point. You should date until you know for certain that this woman is who you want to be with for the rest of your life, and when you are certain you know who she is - her values, her beliefs etc.

And please remember, you’ve met her twice. I think it’s very premature to be talking about “when should I propose”. Take the pressure off and enjoy getting to know her in person.

 

[AdamP88]

Well, that’s the point. You should date until you know for certain that this woman is who you want to be with for the rest of your life

Or until you know she isn’t.

 

[hwriggles4]

Catholicwx:

First, congratulations on meeting your girlfriend and it sounds like the two of you have made a commitment.

Second, since the two of you are dating long distance, it looks like the two of you need to have some more “in person” time. I don’t know how far away the two of you live (several friends of mine met and married through CM or Ave Maria), but the most successful long distance relationships seem to occur in places such as the east coast where a short train ride or a two to four hour drive are possible. That way, the two of you can see each other more often. Train and bus rides aren’t as expensive as airline travel (I dated a girl a while back that lived in Florida and I live in Texas, which was challenging) , and gas prices aren’t too expensive.

Phone calls and e-mail (and Skype) can only do so much. I suggest making plans to visit more often. It may get expensive and challenging, but if you really like this girl, try to visit her more often.

Again, congratulations.