I think some people are more ‘cut out’ for solitude than others. Personally I would love solitude but have to make the opportunity. I make time for solitude and prayer only for the telephone to ring or someone knock on the door. Part of me thinks ‘Good grief who is this now!’ and I have to remind myself that Jesus is on the telephone or standing at my door and I will meet Jesus there in those people.
I think it is good to accept one’s state in life and not to fight against it, this will only lead to a lack of peace inside oneself. In accepting who we are and where we are in life and those around us we are at peace and don’t have that constant restlessness.
I also think we mustn’t be too rigid in our lives in the respect of how we want it to be. The Holy Spirit is always moving us along and does not work against our natural inclinations, rather He develops those. You could say, He works with us, not against us. In working with us, the Holy Spirit reveals new things about ourselves that we didn’t know, nor know we were capable of.
When I was younger I would often see my plans, my ideals amount to nothing. I soon learnt not to plan in my head without seeking what it is that God desires of me.
People are always problematic, but in being problematic we challenge each other to grow in virtue. From this standpoint which I believe is true, I soon learnt to like the people who irritated me most, they became a curiosity for me as undoubtedly they revealed something about myself that is lacking. I have an Aunt, she irritates the life out of me, but if I place my hand on my heart, she is infact one of the most generous people I know in regards to giving of herself and time to myself and my child. I came to the conclusion I was not generous enough to her, I did not generously overlook those irirtating ways of her personality that really are minor and of no fault or failing really. She increased in me the virtue of generosity purely because I see her regularly (almost everyday) and I didn’t withdraw from her because she caused certain reactions within me. I am sure there is something if not more one than one thing in me that irritates the life out my Aunt, but she still loves me and is very generous towards me.
I don’t think it is necessarily a good idea to withdraw from people on the basis that they are difficult; everyone is difficult. This is not why we seek solitude. If we withdraw for this reason, we are withdrawing into a void. We give nothing and we receive nothing. To withdraw for certain periods to seek solitude to be alone with God we do not go to God alone during these times but we take everyone we love and hold dear and we take all those we know, even those who cause us pain and heartache and we take all of this and all of ourself and our faults and failings to God in these times of prayer.
I don’t recommend you be alone on the basis you are saying.I will say this and if I am on the wrong track, say so and it is not meant to cause you any hurt, but meant for your welfare and spiritual good. I think it will compound your feelings that seem to stem from feeling unaccepted by others to withdraw as you have outlined. You are acceptable, Jesus freely accepts you as you are. Solitude is most wonderful when we know in our hearts we are loved and acceptable despite our faults and failings. It is not wonderful when we feel we are unacceptable. I believe your critical outlook on others and their ‘problems’ and them ‘being difficult’ stem from how you have been taught to see yourself and so you choose to retreat from them.
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