Living together while engaged

  • Thread starter Thread starter KarenL
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

KarenL

Guest
My nephew is getting married next September (in the Catholic Church!), and is living with his fiance in the meantime. My husband and I have attempted to talk with them about Natural Family Planning a couple of times, but feel it has fallen on deaf ears. They are being encouraged by their (Catholic) parents to live together, and no one in their family seems to understand the sacred nature of the Sacrament they are preparing for.

I am not looking forward to the bridal showers that I will be asked to attend, nor the wedding itself at this point. Any suggestions as to how to gracefully proceed from here? I certainly do love them, but don’t want to send the message that I support what they are doing.
 
I have the same problems with my extended family.

I think all you can do is lead by example and let God do the rest.
So far you are presenting the faith well, be patient, who knows what will grow.
Pushing too hard may have opposite affect.
 
+JMJ

Karen,

I see this all the time at the Univeristy I attend and it is something very sad. I must say keep on talking to your son and let him know it is against what the Church teaches. It doesn’t matter if he is doing it for economic reasons or whatever. You can also let him know that if he does plan on staying with her for the rest of his life moving out and waiting till they get married to move in together goes up about 85%. And if they obstain untill they get married the percentage of them staying to gether while moved out goes up another 7% do like a 93% chance of staying together.

If you need a example you can use this one: A girl named Jenna who is in my Natrual Science Class lived with her fiance for 2 years and when they finally got married they were devorced within 3 months due to the fact she could not stand him anymore cause all of a sudden he was in “her business”. And this is not the first person has told me this. Anyway hope this helps.
 
If they are taking a pre-nuptual class at their church, one of first questions asked is “are you living together?”

If the answer is yes, the required class can not be offered, and they will not be married at that church.

IF…IF

Unfortunately we have too many parishes where the if’s are out the window.

Mr S
 
40.png
KarenL:
My nephew is getting married next September (in the Catholic Church!), and is living with his fiance in the meantime. My husband and I have attempted to talk with them about Natural Family Planning a couple of times, but feel it has fallen on deaf ears. They are being encouraged by their (Catholic) parents to live together, and no one in their family seems to understand the sacred nature of the Sacrament they are preparing for.

I am not looking forward to the bridal showers that I will be asked to attend, nor the wedding itself at this point. Any suggestions as to how to gracefully proceed from here? I certainly do love them, but don’t want to send the message that I support what they are doing.
Click to expand...
No–No–you need to advise him, your nephew, that this is NOT a good idea!!! That they’re at this point, only “playing house” and their lives will be misery. That they are committing fornication and it is wrong, no ifs, ands or buts.

If he doesn’t listen however,—love him anyway–you said your wise 2 cents–then still go the shower, wedding, etc. He’ll always remember the “wise aunt” who once told him --when he’s older and having problems.!!!

Good Luck~~
 
I would say that unfortunately we have too many catholics who choose not to answer those questions truthfuly. At any rate, the other day, I was having a conversation with one of my daughter’s friend’s mother. She attends the same parish that we do. During this conversation, she mentioned she had had her tubes tied. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I didn’t say anything. I thought about it afterwards, and I asked myself if I should continue to have a friendship with this person. Well, I decided that I should. Who know’s if and when the opportunity will arise for me to witness to this person in such a way that she may go to confession and make herself right with God. If you decide not to attend the shower’s and perhaps even the wedding, you will surely put stress on the relationship. If you, however, go, you will keep the relationship in tact, and may at some point in time be in a position to witness to this couple.

I volunteer at the local soup kitchen that is ran by my parish. We are not to evangelize these people, but are instead asked to provide for them and set an example. At some point in time, many of them come around and realize they must turn to God. If we were to turn our backs on them, who would they go to? It’s not my place to judge. I would tell them how you feel, offer to help, and then pray for the best.
 
Thank you for the excellent suggestions. I will continue to pray for them, as I have been. If I get the opportunity, I may try to discuss again with them the beauty of doing it “God’s way” vs the way they are currently behaving.
 
I don’t know where you live, but here in metro NY, rents run about $1200/month for a 10x12 foot room. It’s very difficult for couples to turn their backs on the financial appeal of cohabitation. Add to that the fact that parents don’t want their adult children moving back home, and the formula is flawless! God help them.

Tell your nephew he can move in with you until the wedding. Couples who re-set the clock for themselves can come to a wonderful new life in faith. I have given away half a dozen copies of a MARVELLOUS CD put out by Focus on the Family (evangelical organization of good repute). There is no conflict between Evangelical and Catholic morality on this! It is a talk by Tommy Nelson, pastor of Denton Bible Church in Denton, Texas – a teaching on the wedding in the Song of Solomon. Nelson is funny and profound. The occasion was a conference attended by 3700 young adults: “Marriage is for virgins! I know I’m not talking to four thousand virgins here – a lot of us have stumbled . . .” Since it is a little hard to locate the CD on the Focus on the Family web site, I take the liberty of posting the link here. You’ll laugh your way to chastity with this CD: family.org/resources/itempg.cfm?itemid=4528
 
I think the problem with this, is long dating/courting and engagements. Most are well over a year. My husband and I were dating for three years, once we were engaged we wanted to be married asap. Most of the wait for the ring, was the cost of the ring. And the only reason why we waited 7 months, was because I was in school and we had to wait until summer. We should of been married the year prior.

Once you have made the decision to be commited, get married. But people don’t and lines get blurred. I really can’t stand when co-habitating couples want to be treated like married couples. If they want to be treated like married couples, then just get married.
 
Karen,

I have heard portions of Tommy Nelson’s Song of Solomon talks on Christin radio and they are very good.

You might also try getting them to listen to Janet Smith’s tape “Contraception, Why Not?”. It has a lot of NFP rationale but one of my favorite parts talks about 5 things you can do to “divorce proof” your pending marriage. What I love about it is that it is really focused on why this (waiting) is good for the marriage rather than so much of why the other (cohabitation and contracepting) is bad. I wish I had that tape before I got married. 😃
 
40.png
kmktexas:
You might also try getting them to listen to Janet Smith’s tape “Contraception, Why Not?”.
Click to expand...
:clapping: Should be given out at the first meeting of every engaged couple with their priest along with Christopher West’s *Good News about Sex and Marriage . . . " *

Smith’s tape/CD: omsoul.com/item140.html
 
It’s not the worst thing that could happen!

I hope they’re happy and grow to understand the fullness of the church’s teachings, but in the meantime, just love them and pray for them (in the words of Mother Teresa).
 
During this conversation, she mentioned she had had her tubes tied. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I didn’t say anything.
Click to expand...
I’ve often wondered how I would respond to the same thing either froma man or woman. I know the first thing I wouldn’t say is, “You know that’s a sin don’t you.”

I think if it happens to me I will say, “Boy, I tell you what, I would never be able to have surgery on a pefectly healthy part of my body.”

Or

“That’s the only part of my body that’s working the way it should. I’m not messing with it.”

Keith
 
Why not just ignore it. I am sure that they try and ignore the fact that you are a zealot. Do they try to persuade you to change your life style and live less by church guide lines…? Some how I doubt it, so maybe you should keep your opinion to yourself.
 
40.png
Mac6yver:
Why not just ignore it. I am sure that they try and ignore the fact that you are a zealot. Do they try to persuade you to change your life style and live less by church guide lines…? Some how I doubt it, so maybe you should keep your opinion to yourself.
Click to expand...
Now that is real charitable!
 
Don’t let Mcg6yver get on your nerves…everybody has a right to their cough opinion…even if it is a nasty way that they show it. He just seems to want to be a cafeteria Catholic…God knows there are tons of them…

Anyway, my fiance and I live in seperate apts, and while its a financial burden, we know that money isn’t everything and that we’ll be better off for doing it in the future.

I say that if you’ve said your opinion, leave it at that. To harp on it might just drive a wedge in your relationship.
 
40.png
MommyLeah:
Don’t let Mcg6yver get on your nerves…everybody has a right to their cough opinion…even if it is a nasty way that they show it. He just seems to want to be a cafeteria Catholic…God knows there are tons of them…
Click to expand...
She is not a Catholic, just a Troll. Review her posts.

Engagment doesn’t not equate the stability or the promise in marriage. Even though I wish I was married sooner and the engagement was short, I liked the fact marriage was a deliberate decision. Many times with couples move in together, it isn’t a decision. They just merge. Soon her stuff is hanging around and over time she sleeping there every night. Nothing is talked about, and months later when they realize they aren’t suitable for marriage and the have joint credit card debt. Argh it’s ugly!
 
40.png
MommyLeah:
Don’t let Mcg6yver get on your nerves…everybody has a right to their cough opinion…even if it is a nasty way that they show it. He just seems to want to be a cafeteria Catholic…God knows there are tons of them…

I say that if you’ve said your opinion, leave it at that. To harp on it might just drive a wedge in your relationship.
Click to expand...
Agreed. They know how you feel about it and what the Church teaches. There is not much more you can do. Offering your home for your nephew to live until the wedding is a good idea. This will also show how important this issue is.
Outside of that, just a lot prayer and quiet dignity.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top