Lonely sexless marriage--how to cope

[revertgirl]

I greatly appreciate all of the feedback and suggestions.

You guys have other issues going on in your marriage that need to be resolved. Since you are sexually active you will eventually become pregnant again. If you don’t resolve the issues he is going to resent the pregnancy and things will go down hill further.

Start discussing things with him now. The original post stated it was an up an down relationship. OP has stated she doesn’t feel he is pulling his weight in the marriage and is making excuses for his withdrawal. Please recognize the problems and work on them before another human being is involved.

I agree with you completely here. I think bringing a baby into to current mood of things would not be right. And the last thing I want is to feel like it’s only me who wanted the pregnancy. It would be cause for further withdrawal on his part and resentment on mine. Cheers.

 

[robertmidwest]

I have heard that this is a wonderful group.

retrouvaille.org/

Sex ,or lack of sex, is not the source of your problems. It is a the symptom. Maybe this can help sort out what is going on.

 

[pacang]

Hi revertgirl!

So sorry to hear about your situation. Once a month is tough. We had a twice a month phase a few years ago while trying to make NFP work, and it was horrible.

How is your husband when it comes to the other aspects of his life? Does he still hang out with friends? Do well at work? Sports, hobbies or other interests?

Also, how are the other aspects of your marriage? Date nights? Displays of affection? Jokes – does he make you laugh? Do you make him laugh? Do you guys spend time talking about serious as well as trivial stuff? If yes, how much time?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Odd that this thread went off on an NFP debate.

But OP:
I am sorry to be the one to say this. But your husband is having an affair or is addicted to porn or both. I would find out which one it is.

 

[robertmidwest]

But your husband is having an affair or is addicted to porn or both.

There is no reason to jump straight to this conclusion. This only creates anxiety for OP and adds additional barriers to communications.

If good communication is established an infidelty or porn problem will be revealed, but there are many, many other things that could be the problem too. If has never given any indication of porn or infidelity it is unfair to him to jump straight to that conclusion. It isn’t right to create extra stress for the OP either.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

There is no reason to jump straight to this conclusion. This only creates anxiety for OP and adds additional barriers to communications.

If good communication is established an infidelty or porn problem will be revealed, but there are many, many other things that could be the problem too. If has never given any indication of porn or infidelity it is unfair to him to jump straight to that conclusion. It isn’t right to create extra stress for the OP either.

The OP posted the situation. A very real possibility for someone who complains about abstaining with NFP and then never initiates is that the person is relieving the energy elsewhere. It is a far more common situation with NFP than one might realize. And it is just as relevant as telling the OP that something may be medically wrong with her husband or that her marriage is being damaged. If you don’t want to cause the OP stress then people could just not post… But it would seem the OP posted to get some ideas…

I would say that the number one thing I would jump to is porn or an affair. It is just the world we live in. And burying heads in the sand will not help anyone. The OP mentioned that he said it was not porn… Pardon me if I don’t take that at face value…

 

[OraLabora]

There is no reason to jump straight to this conclusion. This only creates anxiety for OP and adds additional barriers to communications.

If good communication is established an infidelty or porn problem will be revealed, but there are many, many other things that could be the problem too. If has never given any indication of porn or infidelity it is unfair to him to jump straight to that conclusion. It isn’t right to create extra stress for the OP either.

Agreed. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I had a period in my mid-40s when I had not much interest, and even less ability. I also felt physically terrible with fatigue, and other issues.

Turned out to be a medical condition (hereditary hemochromatosis) which was successfully diagnosed and treated before any permanent damage could be done. It took a couple of years of hard work, intensive physical exercise, and treatments to get myself back in shape but everything did come back to normal eventually. Until it did, there was always Vitamin V.

Low libido at that age isn’t normal. Something is wrong. It could be medical, it could be psychological (including fear of another child), it could be fatigue. I’d start by ruling out medical, because usually low libido and impotence is the canary in the coal mine pointing at some underlying medical condition that could be dangerous if it remains undiagnosed. If that’s ruled out, then the next step is open dialogue…

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Odd that this thread went off on an NFP debate.

But OP:
I am sorry to be the one to say this. But your husband is having an affair or is addicted to porn or both. I would find out which one it is.

It could be. I would doubt it though, as I thought that one of the telltale signs of an affair is having a husband who is more interested in sex. But there is no way of knowing this and it is only one possibility out of 1,000.

My guess is that he is being passive aggressive about using NFP. It’s not right, but I can see a lot of people resorting to this behavior if they are using NFP in their marriage at their spouse’s insistence and against their will. After awhile, I’d probably behave this way.

Or it could be a medical thing. Or, if they are in their early 30’s, both working, and have two kids, it could be stress or even an issue with anxiety or depression.

But if she has no evidence of an affair, she really can’t approach him with that.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It could be. I would doubt it though, as I thought that one of the telltale signs of an affair is having a husband who is more interested in sex. But there is no way of knowing this and it is only one possibility out of 1,000.

My guess is that he is being passive aggressive about using NFP. It’s not right, but I can see a lot of people resorting to this behavior if they are using NFP in their marriage at their spouse’s insistence and against their will. After awhile, I’d probably behave this way.

Or it could be a medical thing. Or, if they are in their early 30’s, both working, and have two kids, it could be stress or even an issue with anxiety or depression.

But if she has no evidence of an affair, she really can’t approach him with that.

Yes true. Less than an affair this just screams a guy who is using porn…

But you are right he could be PA about NFP. I tried that in my marriage. It doesn’t last. Turns out I am like most guys and want sex more than I want to prove a point. Did you ever see the Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray tries to withhold sex from Debra? Classic.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yes true. Less than an affair this just screams a guy who is using porn…

But you are right he could be PA about NFP. I tried that in my marriage. It doesn’t last. Turns out I am like most guys and want sex more than I want to prove a point. Did you ever see the Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray tries to withhold sex from Debra? Classic.

It could be porn, definitely. But at this point in his marriage, in his 30’s, after 2 kids and a formerly active sex life, I think the porn would be the symptom rather than the problem. By that I mean, I think that if it’s porn, he turned to it and checked out of his marriage because of another problem. I just don’t see a man at that point in his life and that far into his sexuality suddenly falling into serious porn use that is keeping him from having sex with his wife.

I do remember that episode! I think it depends on the guy. If I made my husband very, very angry with a unilateral decision affecting our sex life and family and the resentment started to build, I think that he could (and would) hold out on me passive aggressively. It would drive him crazy, he would be frustrated, he would be causing even more resentment within himself, but he would not let me get away with imposing something like that on us. It’s a close call, but I think his pride and stubbornness is even stronger than his sex drive.

Now after I reading back over these two paragraphs, it strikes me that there’s a good chance that he was being passive aggressive and ended up turning to porn to ease his own frustration. And with all of the emotional horror stories I’ve heard related to NFP, it may not even just be sexual frustration. It could also be hurt, loneliness, rejection, etc.

 

[flyonthewall86]

**No, he doesn’t refuse sex. He just doesn’t initiate it. I guess I just have a big problem with always being the initiator. It makes me feel desperate. **Sometimes I DO feel desperate because (especially now in my early 30s) my libido has gone through the roof! I can finally see what people see about it peaking in a woman’s 30s. Lawsy!

While he isn’t keen on getting pregnant now, he’s not refusing because of NFP. We are very informed of my cycle and there are plenty of infertile days to choose from. As it is though, we only average about once a month–sometimes less.

I have told him that I want us to have more intercourse and would like for him to initiate more, but he just sort of nods and nothing happens. This may be my pride speaking but I feel like most men would be pleased to have a fit, decent looking wife eager to jump in the sack.

Welcome to a guys world! Pretty horrible feeling isn’t it especially when society is constantly dumping on you for it?

Personally, I can empathize with your husband. After 1 child I highly doubt I want anymore and I’m even less interested in sex than I am in quantum physics. I am in your age cohort and to be honest sex just isn’t worth it for guys my age. There are infinitely better ways of spending ones time that doesn’t result in society making a mockery out of you. The issue of sex has gotten so far from God’s original design its barely recognizable and being used more for destructive purposes than creative ones of any sort. Sex has also become a wedge between men and woman now that it really isn’t worth the effort anymore.

I find it ironic that when a guy doesn’t want sex there’s something biologically wrong with him yet when a woman doesn’t want sex men should be understanding and back off. So essentially the message is women are entitled to sex as they see fit, while men are just sperm banks to be cashed in on when women choose. With even a subtle attitude like that does anyone really wonder why guys don’t want sex / kids anymore?

Guess men aren’t as immune to being a sex object as some would like to believe…

 

[without]

I was wondering if anyone could offer advice or words of encouragement. My marriage has had its ups and downs. Things are so-so at the moment (a little better than they have been in the past), except I find myself disappointed and lonely.

My husband doesn’t make any effort to initiate intimacy with me. I take care of my appearance and am in great shape. We are both in our early 30s but he seems to have no interest in sex.

Before we married, he was all over me and would always push the envelope sexually despite the fact that I was firm on having us wait until marriage. We also practice NFP.

Now that we’re married, he’s like ready for the retirement home. He says it’s because there isn’t time for it (we have kids), but I just don’t buy that. All he needs to do is make time for it and it could happen. I am always the initiator, which makes me feel sleazy and unwanted. He says he’s not getting off elsewhere (porn/masturbation).

So I find myself sexually frustrated. Not to mention, I would like us to have another baby but he is also not crazy about the idea. Any encouragement or pearls of wisdom would be appreciated.

He needs a testosterone test and Vitamin D test…

if it is not physical (probably is based on your post) but if it isn’t get some help with communication so you both will better know where you stand, he may also just not want another kid and is feeling pressured. … but I bet its physical and not the other stuff.

 

[Default]

I don’t have any answer but from personal experience I just want to say that it may not be anything nefarious like an affair or porn. I am 41 and I would say my wife and I average having sex 2-3 times a year at most for the past several years. At this point I may make a mistake and look at something bad or do something myself once every few months but it is pretty infrequent. The last thing in the world I have any desire to do would be to have an affair. That sounds like an enormous hassle. My wife stopped having any desire to be intimate about four years ago and for a while I was pretty frustrated. After a few years of almost never having sex however it has sapped my libido to almost nothing as well. Therefore I think it is quite possible as OP’s husband said that being abstinent for very long periods of time can really cause a man to view intimacy as more of a chore or a hassle than as something that he actually wants to do.

 

[flyonthewall86]

I don’t have any answer but from personal experience I just want to say that it may not be anything nefarious like an affair or porn. I am 41 and I would say my wife and I average having sex 2-3 times a year at most for the past several years. At this point I may make a mistake and look at something bad or do something myself once every few months but it is pretty infrequent. The last thing in the world I have any desire to do would be to have an affair. That sounds like an enormous hassle. My wife stopped having any desire to be intimate about four years ago and for a while I was pretty frustrated. After a few years of almost never having sex however it has sapped my libido to almost nothing as well. Therefore I think it is quite possible as OP’s husband said that being abstinent for very long periods of time can really cause a man to view intimacy as more of a chore or a hassle than as something that he actually wants to do.

Sex is a chore regardless how long one has been abstinent especially these days. The price tag that comes with sex (i.e. babies, inevitably destructive criticism, feelings of entitlement, etc) makes it very much a turn off. The only reason people go ape over it in the first place is because 1) people use it like a drug to numb the pain from other problems and 2) pop culture makes it out to be salaciously wonderful to sell products. When a person is aroused their higher brain functions are shutdown by natures design, which gives sex its euphoric essence. For insecure and empty people, this feeling is like a dose a heroin to the brain and quite addicting. All good sense is abandoned.

 

[pensmama87]

Sex is a chore regardless how long one has been abstinent especially these days. The price tag that comes with sex (i.e. babies, inevitably destructive criticism, feelings of entitlement, etc) makes it very much a turn off. The only reason people go ape over it in the first place is because 1) people use it like a drug to numb the pain from other problems and 2) pop culture makes it out to be salaciously wonderful to sell products. When a person is aroused their higher brain functions are shutdown by natures design, which gives sex its euphoric essence. For insecure and empty people, this feeling is like a dose a heroin to the brain and quite addicting. All good sense is abandoned.

I find this to be incredibly telling.

Yes, if this is your attitude about sex and its fruits, it would seem to be a chore.