Long-distance couple- How to obtain a valid marriage

[ldr_couple]

My boyfriend and I have been dating past 4 years now and are looking into getting married in the church (valid marriage in the eyes of God).

A bit of background about our relationship:
We have known each other since 13 years old as we were classmates in middle and high school. I am Catholic but he is not (no particular religion). He was studying in the USA and currently have a job there, so our relationship technically started long distance. We are more than 8000 miles apart. As we were discussing about how we are able to obtain a valid marriage, we found some setbacks that hopefully we can get some helpful advice from people in this forum.

1. I am a practicing Catholic and validity of marriage in the Catholic church is very important to me. In such cases, we are aware that we require dispensation for the disparity of cult to be valid in the eyes of the church. We are aware about the importance of going through pre-canna preparatory courses to prepare us for marriage 6 months prior to intended marriage date, however, due to the distance and difference in location, how could we go about finishing the course together? Is it possible to finish the course in online (if there is such a thing) and get married in another parish?
2. We wish to get married in the USA as I plan to go visit him there (as I have a long break- post graduation). However, he is not a catholic, nor parishioner in the catholic church in USA. How would we be able to go through obtaining a valid marriage there and would our pre-canna be recognized as completed?
3. If there is no online course, could we finish the pre-canna and get married in a month?(If I were to visit for only a month) Or if not in <6 months? (In the case of me prolonging my stay in USA which is undesirable). * Flying to USA again just for the marriage would mean extra cost (flights are sooo expensive), so prolonging my stay might be the better option. However, I would not wish to stay for a long time as I do not feel at ease staying with someone who is not my husband yet.

We have discussed about these but have not been able to find a solution. We would like to commit to one another in marriage, but how can we do it?

 

[1ke]

We are aware about the importance of going through pre-canna preparatory courses to prepare us for marriage 6 months prior to intended marriage date, however, due to the distance and difference in location, how could we go about finishing the course together?

Talk to the priest who will marry you about online options and what can be done in your case.

We can’t answer for your priest about what he will accept for marriage prep.

We wish to get married in the USA as I plan to go visit him there (as I have a long break- post graduation). However, he is not a catholic, nor parishioner in the catholic church in USA. How would we be able to go through obtaining a valid marriage there and would our pre-canna be recognized as completed?

He should go to his local parish, make an appointment with the pastor and ask these questions to him.

Or, you should talk to your own pastor about a dispensation from Catholic form so you can marry in a civil ceremony.

If there is no online course, could we finish the pre-canna and get married in a month?(

That is up to the priest who will marry you or oversee your prefabs.

 

[ldr_couple]

Thank you 1ke, it does seem like the best option is to seek advice from the parish priest near him! Ah, the dispensation from Catholic form is something new to me, does that still make your marriage valid even though only a civil marriage is done?

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Ah, the dispensation from Catholic form is something new to me, does that still make your marriage valid even though only a civil marriage is done?

Yes. It means the Church is granting you an exception to the norm. If you get a dispensation,
your marriage is just as valid as if the Pope did it in St. Peter’s.

 

[LittleFlower]

Where are you living now? How often to you see each other physically? How old are you both now?

Dating long distance and being married long distance are two different kettle of fish.

I would consider it extremely prudent to regularly see each as often as possible before getting married. Once you are married, it’s a done deal. If the cost of flying to him is prohibitive, is he willing to fly to you? Or could you both each other meet halfway?

Marriage counselling is generally done in person—for good reasons. Extremely personal information is discussed, and it can be emotionally challenging. Doing it in a month doesn’t seem to allow for proper discussion or reflection.

We know a couple who decided against getting married and ended their engagement due to an issue that they both knew of, but both thought the other would change their mind. Spoiler: Neither did.

Also, clearly being married in the eye’s of the Church and your religion are important to you. Has he explored parishes and other aspects to see where you might feel at home?

 

[HeDa]

There are meetings with the priest/deacon both as a couple and also individually. There are questions that the couple have to discuss like how you are going to raise children etc. Those questions are then discussed with the priest/deacon. The preparations are supposed to take time as you will be married for life.

 

[Usige]

Ah, the dispensation from Catholic form is something new to me, does that still make your marriage valid even though only a civil marriage is done?

Yes. It means the Church is granting you an exception to the norm.

It is important to point out that the dispensation only covers the form of the marriage ceremony. All other aspects of marriage prep are still required.

Since he is not Catholic the dispensation would come from your bishop and marriage prep requirements would be determined by the same diocese. The priest or bishop where he is located technically do not have authority to grant the dispensation as he is not under their authority as a non-Catholic and you are still bound to your local bishop until you take domicile where he is located (assuming that is your plan). You can talk to a pastor near him, but that priest would still need to deal with the paperwork back to your diocese. Given that it would be best to start with your local pastor and ask him how to proceed from there.

A final thing you’d also need to determine is what would be required in the first place to get married in the US if you are both foreign nationals and assuming he’s is on a student visa (my apologies if I misunderstood either of your status with regard to US law). Not insurmountable, but something that would also have to be taken into account since each state in the US have different requirements for obtaining a marriage license, et cetera.

 

[ldr_couple]

I am in Malaysia and he is in USA. We can hardly see each other, sometimes only meeting a bit more than a year later… this time around only seeing him more than 1.5 years later.

It is hard not being able to see each other often. It feels rather lonely, so we would like to get to meet each other without qualms. We share costs when meeting each other, it is just that it is easier for me to fly to him since he hardly get a lot of off days from work.

We are thinking of approaching the priest in the university campus church, who would most probably have a lot of experience with youths in matters like these…

We will probably approach my parish priest on obtaining the dispensation.

 

[ldr_couple]

True, I too feel it is important in case there are things we have not discussed before. I understand the amount of commitment required for a long-lasting happy marriage <3

 

[ldr_couple]

Yeah, we have looked into requirements for a marriage license from the States. And yes, he is still under student visa