Long-distance....I love this man but I'm worried

[trinity333]

I am in a long distance relationship with a man whom I have been believing may be “the one”. We have had serious discussions about marriage, and he is planning to move to my state so we can continue to get to know each other on a very serious level.

My worries are these: he will be graduating this December, and would be leaving a very high paying job to move down here with me. He assures me that he loves me and is committed to making it work somehow. I feel nervous though because he is always pessimistic about the bad economy, and reminds me constantly that he likely won’t get a good paying job down here (he hasn’t tried yet). I am frustrated because he seems to spend 75% of our conversations talking about how rough life would be, asking me if I would I agree to work part time from home if necessary, which I did agree to. It paints a forlorn,unhappy picture for two people who want to start, hopefully, a happy life together. Even though it’s totally practical for him to worry, as we both agree that ideally he should be the sole breadwinner and me the stay at home, homeschooling mom, I’m not sure he is optimistic enough to get us through the “tough times” without it being downright miserable. I am by nature more optimistic and upbeat, and i keep assuring him I’d stick by him thick and thin, but I am frankly WORN OUT by his reminders that life would be rough (tonight he *promised *me it would be rough…his words…but that he’d still love me.For every good thing he says about a future together, there are 9 other negatives about job security (or rather, insecurity). I don’t need a palace or a bed of roses (as I’ve already told him), but I do need somebody with a “can make it happen” attitude, because even in bad times it would be the attitude that pulls us together, right?

So some questions are: will he blame me later because he moved here and left his very good job to be with me? He said that he can’t promise it “won’t come up from time to time” but that his anger would be at the economy, not me. I’m not sure. He might mean that for now, but what about later? Has anyone been in this sitatuon before? Tonight I had the strong impression that he feels he was giving more to the relationship than me by agreeing to be the one to move. I told him it was a yes/no thing that I couldn’t compromise on (for personal reasons,he knows what they are), yet he made me promise that I would compromise on future things. Of course I know it’s a huge deal for a person to pick up and move several states away and give up a high paying job, because those are scarce and needed to support a family and a few children. I just wonder if I will have to spend the rest of my life “making it up” to him and worrying if I’m doing a good enough job at it. I want to make this man happy, but there is something in him that doesn’t want to be made optimistic and comforted??! It’s relaly hard for a girl not to be able to comfort her man and that’s where I’m at! (Along with feeling anxious myself that I’d be spending the rest of my life “making things up to him”.

I am afrid he will resent me if he makes this move, glancing over his shoulder and reminding me how much easier life “could have been” if I had moved near him instead of vice versa. He says that I am worth it, and I’m SO wanting to believe it, I just don’t know how much he can mean it if he’s worrying this much!! I’d appreciate any advice!

 

[Agapi]

If there is one thing I have learned, it is listen to your gut. If something is not right, honey, it’s not right. talk to your priest about this.

 

[4Squarebaby]

A lot of background information on your relationship is unknown but why is he moving to you and not you to him if he already has a good job set up in his present location?

 

[Just_wondering]

Would it be possible for him to wait where he is, and for you to join him a few months (or even a couple of years) later? It might be the wiser choice, if he really is against the idea of living where you are.

I am in a long distance relationship now. My boyfriend stayed here for one year because of me, but absolutely hated living here. He was so incredibly miserable. He tried to make the best of it, and was always supportive of my desire to live here - but he couldn’t hide that he was unhappy here. Finally, a month or two before his contract at work was up, he admitted that he couldn’t bear the thought of signing another. I told him to go ahead and move somewhere else, even though I wouldn’t be able to follow him for another 10 months.

Maybe the economy isn’t the issue with your man. It sounds like he’s got some other reason that he wouldn’t be happy living where you are. Either that or the economy is the reason, but he doesn’t deal with uncertainty well.

Don’t take him up on his offer to move closer to you. You can see he’ll be unhappy - your heart is telling you that. Don’t ignore the warning signs. Start discussing other options with him - what kind of place would he be happy in? What kind of place would you be happy in? Is there somewhere that can meet both of your needs?

Also, it sounds like he needs to work on communicating his needs more openly. Saying he’ll agree to something and then whining about it before he’s even done it isn’t a good sign. You need to be able to discuss decisions with all the cards on the table - he can’t hold back his hand from you. Try to work on communication with him before you get married.

 

[whatevergirl]

Just my two cents, but until there is talk of a serious life together, not just a ‘I think he might be the one’ kind of thoughts…I don’t think he should move away from his career to be with you, just yet. If you were both engaged…there was a serious commitment…it would be a wiser move.

I understand your desires to live closer to one another to get to know each other better–but really, I don’t think he should move until there is an engagement in the picture.

I hope things work out, whatever you both decide.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Maybe he feels like if he makes a move, he will not be able to provide for you at a level he is comforatable with.

The question I have for you is, if he has a well paying job, why is he the one to move? Wouldn’t it work out better for you to move? Or to put off the move until either of you will be able to support a family?

 

[whatevergirl]

I wondered that too…but I still think that until there is an engagement, with a date to wed…I don’t think anyone should be moving. That’s just my opinion.

But…beyond all of that…trinity,there seems to be some red flags…relating to his negativity. He could be apprehensive due to the economy, but I again think it’s way too soon for him to be requesting you to work parttime…or whatever…and his negativity sounds to be on the high side. Whatever you do, whether he lives across the street someday, or stays where he is…please don’t sweep red flags under the rug. If his negativity really bothers you…you really owe it to yourself and the relationship–to tell him. Don’t act like it doesn’t bother you to be polite to him. You and he are not married…you’re not even engaged…if he is that worried about moving, he shouldn’t do it. I don’t doubt that he won’t make you feel guilty for him making the move, if he can’t find a job, or things don’t work out between you two. That is why I highly recommend people relocating like this, only when there is an engagement and a date to marry. Sure, engagements can be called off…but at least there is something beyond just a verbal promise, like you both have now. I think that there can be unnecessary pressure in a relationship, when people move for one another, without being engaged, etc…and he definitely sounds apprehensive about it all…even downright worried about moving. I am glad that he is not just throwing caution to the wind, and is stopping to think things through. But, please think this through.

My advice would be to get to know one another a bit more, and if it is truly meant to be, the rest will fall into place. I don’t think that relationships are long lasting, that are built on worry, and pressure. But whatever you do…please make sure you make your thoughts known about his negativity and how it’s wearing on you. He may not be able to change that…that might be who he is, but you need to know that before going further. Or, he may be able to change, and you will be a good addition in his life, to support him. I think that love can be blind, but you have to take those blinders off before marrying, and make sure that you know who you are marrying.

But, all this is moot really…LOL I really think you guys should wait to be engaged, before he or you relocates.

God bless, and I’ll be praying for you both.

 

[Sierrah]

I wouldn’t move or expect anyone to move without an engagement ring and wedding date. Also this guy sounds like he’s trying to rationalize his second thoughts into reasons not to procede with the move. Unless he’s just naturally a negative person. Only you know that.

 

[BamaRider]

feel nervous though because he is always pessimistic about the bad economy, and reminds me

Hmmmmm is he one of those people that when ya say. “hey lets take a couple days off and go to the beach.” He comes up with about 10 reasons why ya can’t do it, or not a good idea?

that he likely won’t get a good paying job down here (he hasn’t tried yet).

Well, thinkin like that almost assures him of that.

I am afrid he will resent me if he makes this move, glancing over his shoulder and reminding me how much easier life “could have been” if I had moved near him instead of vice versa.

This is possible.

I’m a southern boy, I’m prolly not gonna move anyplace cold. I’d be unhappy with no cotton fields, warm beaches, year round riding, football nirvana, and being removed from my siblings and long time friends. Just can’t do it, and I would grow to resent how a Alabama boy found his way to Queens.

I don’t like being around folks who don’t have a fullness of life, with hope, optimism, and who can’t wait to get up in the morning just to see what’s gonna happen next.

I’m not saying the world doesn’t need cautious people, because ya gotta have some to balance out the folks like me.

Do you love this guy, or is it the idea of the relationship you love? Apparently you have been adamant you are NOT going there, so that now puts him in the position of having to make a choice. Kinda like, “Oh yeah I’ll do it but…”

You have a right to be cautious about this. I think what you nned to do is find a way for y’all to leave in the same town for a year, and see what happens to the relationship when you are with each other everyday. See if this is the kind of guy you can live with, and grow with. Look how his natural pessimistic side works with your optimism, maybe it balances out.

 

[ac_claire]

I agree with whatevergirl’s advice. Trinity, he’s putting far too much pressure on you, whether he’s conscious of it or not. He’s being too needy and IMO somewhat emotionally manipulative.

And what does it mean that you think he’s the one and you’re going to get to know each other on a very serious level? Is there any committment yet? Talk it out with him, tell him all of your concerns and don’t let him weasel out of the conversation by whining and trying to put more negativity on you. Y’all both need to be realists about this and your future. Good luck, God bless you!

 

[Leonius]

Just my two cents, but until there is talk of a serious life together, not just a ‘I think he might be the one’ kind of thoughts…I don’t think he should move away from his career to be with you, just yet. If you were both engaged…there was a serious commitment…it would be a wiser move.

I understand your desires to live closer to one another to get to know each other better–but really, I don’t think he should move until there is an engagement in the picture.

I hope things work out, whatever you both decide.

This is excellent advice, if he moves down at this stage all it will do is increase the pressure on you to make it work, you think he is a negative pessimist now just wait till he moves down, and he will think that you owe him because of what he has given up, what if you realise he’s not the one after all and hes now living near you and unemployed?

I’ll be honest it sounds likes he moving down not so much for you but rather to get away from his current life which he probably hates as well if he is a negative person. Be careful you might end up getting millstone round your neck here. Him asking you to work is a red flag for me to, might be he is seeing you as a meal ticket sounds like hes already making his excuses for not been able to get a job.

The main danger is that you might end up marrying him out of sympathy anyway in the situation it sounds like you are going to get yourself in, and you will regret that believe me.

Perhaps a question to ask him is that if he thinks he is going to be that miserable why is he even considering doing it?

From what you have said I cannot see any positives in this for you, and it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Either way I wouldn’t be doing any moving till marriage is been proposed and there is a engagement ring on your finger as a sign of his commitment. Where would he live anyway if he has no money?

 

[T700]

If you don’t mind me asking, what sort of work does he do? As one who has moved quite a bit, I can assure him that unless you’re something like a deep sea diver moving to a desert, you can generally find a way to get by.

But then, I’ve been called, “pathologically optimistic”.

Paul