Long Distance Relationship and Sexual Purity

[shelby2014]

I need some relationship advice from someone not too close to me. I am very confused about things going on with my boyfriend right now.

We’ve been in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. We started talking marriage early on, and now we are stuck in a place where neither of us can get new jobs and progress the relationship. Last fall I started to get impatient, and he started to get mad. This was the first time I ever had known him to not offer me unconditional love, and it really rocked the relationship.

There are often months at a time where we will not be able to see each other. We are commited to sexual purity and have very good rules to try to keep us on the straight path. Twice we have gone farther than we should, but not all the way to mortal sin. The first time we repented and were incredibly pure for a long time. Recently, he surprised me with a visit, and we wound up in a less pure, isolated position, and broke our rules (still not all the way to mortal sin). He is upset at our inability to keep the rules we have made and has suddenly become withdrawn. I believe now he wants to break up with me. I, on the other hand, insist that we can tweak some factors that put us at risk those times and make a renewed commitment to purity.

Because of the difficulties of our long distance relationship and slow crawl towards marriage that may not happen, I have considered breaking up many times (sometimes daily) but he is also my best friend and unlike any guy I have ever met. It doesn’t make sense for me to break up with him because then I will for sure never see him again or talk to him, and I’d rather have what we have now (long distance) than lose him forever.

I know that relationships that drag out are spiritually dangerous, but I thought (and still think) that we were doing a good job. His commitment to purity, even to the point of ending the relationship, is endearing and makes me respect him even more, but I don’t know how to convince him to try harder and get friends and family involved.

Add to this our little melt down this fall, and I am completely unsure of my footing. I don’t even know if he cares about me anymore and don’t know how to go about bringing that topic up without making him defensive.

Does anyone have any advice, or is there someone I can talk to?

 

[1ke]

How old are the two of you?

 

[shelby2014]

Mid 20’s

 

[Havard]

:hug3:

First off, I know I and many others here will be praying for you and your boyfriend. As to advice, well, I would say it sounds like it’s premature to break off so far. Talk to him and find out what he’s thinking exactly. Ask him how does he view the relationship at this point? And tell him how you feel about it too. See what he has to say about it all, and if he’s still upset, find out exactly what it is that’s bothering him. It might be something that can be fixed! God bless.

 

[kage_ar]

Just so you know, any sexual activity outside of marriage is grave matter -

 

[bluerose]

Because of the difficulties of our long distance relationship and slow crawl towards marriage that may not happen, I have considered breaking up many times (sometimes daily) but he is also my best friend and unlike any guy I have ever met. vquote]

I don’t understand… WHY might not the marriage “happen”?

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

Is he Catholic?

How long distance is long distance?

How often do you see each other?

What did he say when he was angry?

What kind of job is he looking for?

How are you both provided for at the moment?

Are you sure he is committed to purity? With a long distance relationship it should be easier not harder. Could it be that he is acting pure because he wants to impress you but really he wants to sleep with you and he expected you to break down by now? That is common is why I’m asking it has nothing to do with your bf. Generally who makes the first move when you start to go to far you or him, that will tell you much.

We need a lot more information here.

I am in the UK and my wife is from the US we carried out most of our relationship at about as long distance as you can get lol, you can pm me if you would rather not go into this kind of detail in public.

 

[StillWondering]

I know that relationships that drag out are spiritually dangerous…

I do not think this is the case, some couples take many years before they marry. I admit I’m not experienced in the dating game. My idea of romance is talking to ducks at the park.

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

I do not think this is the case, some couples take many years before they marry. I admit I’m not experienced in the dating game. My idea of romance is talking to ducks at the park.

You are mistaken, and the young lady is right, she has had a good teacher it seems. They are very spiritually dangerous as the temptation to fornication grows stronger the longer it goes on.

 

[shelby2014]

He is Catholic, I am going to be Catholic come Easter.
We are 500 miles apart.

Well, he used to be upset if he thought that there was a possibility of losing me. However, this fall I was upset that he couldn’t make it down to visit. He said I was pushing him and that if I couldn’t handle being apart we should break up. It was very cold and scary to hear him say that, but since then things had improved again, and I attributed it to stress and to my own “pursuing” of him rather than the reverse.

He is looking for a job that will give him more free time, which was supposed to help us to be able to see each other more often. We both are currently employed and fairly well off - although we had anticipating having to spend a lot of money just to date.

I know that we are both committed to purity - he always leads in discussions of the rules, even though I have my own boundaries as well. I fear that my morals might actually be loose compared to his! To respond to the grave matter post, I did some research. I believe that most people would say that what we have done is not “too far” or “impure,” but after reading about sexual purity on the web and other posts, I have to say that, if he thinks we have gone too far, then that IS too far and we need to stop - based on the differences between how guys and girls bond and interact physically. I think this may also have caused problems in the aftermath of our visit because I may have downplayed the sin of what we did, not understanding that things could have been going on in his mind that I was not aware of.

I think the long distance thing makes it harder because when we are together we feel like we have to “make up” for not seeing each other for so long. So an innocent act repeated many times over begins to feel dirtier.

I appreciate your perspective on thinking that he may actually have ulterior motives, but I know him and that is not the case. I think rather he is trying to flee from sin - that it is more important for him to not sin than to stay with me. I still think we can work through that, because I’d really like to not sin as well…

I hope that is enough additional information, and thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut! I would love good Catholic advice from someone who was able to make things work long distance.

 

[whatevergirl]

He might feel that the relationship in and of itself is the temptation, and thus he is growing withdrawn, to not be tempted again. I don’t think it’s a sign necessarily that he doesn’t love you, but maybe he thinks by withdrawing a bit…it will place some emotional distance between the two of you, and more tempting situations won’t happen. But, you can have intimacy without sex. It can happen. That is what you both need to discover. He shouldn’t have to break up with you, in order to keep from sinning…you know? Same thing for you. Many couples date for a while and remain chaste, albeit it can have its difficulties if you put yourself into tempting situations. But, just talk with him…and see if this might be it. I think that if you both want to continue dating, you need to discuss ways to find intimacy, without succombing to sexual temptation. It can be done…with prayer and effort. Hope this helps a bit. God bless…

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

He is Catholic, I am going to be Catholic come Easter.
We are 500 miles apart.

That is great news congratulations and welcome to our family

Well, he used to be upset if he thought that there was a possibility of losing me. However, this fall I was upset that he couldn’t make it down to visit. He said I was pushing him and that if I couldn’t handle being apart we should break up. It was very cold and scary to hear him say that, but since then things had improved again, and I attributed it to stress and to my own “pursuing” of him rather than the reverse.

You seem to understand things pretty good, it is a mistake for women to pursue men as it is not natural and puts men off.

He is looking for a job that will give him more free time, which was supposed to help us to be able to see each other more often. We both are currently employed and fairly well off - although we had anticipating having to spend a lot of money just to date.

Then what is stopping you from getting married? He doesn’t need a job to give him more free time to date, you are both ready to move on from the dating stage now, whether its getting engaged or splitting up. What he needs to do is make his mind up whether you are the woman he wants to have children with or not. I thought at first you were both unemployed, if this is not the case why no marriage proposal from him? Presumably you talk regularly, I know with my wife I talked with her everyday, if this is the case after a year and a half you know enough about each other to make this decision even though its long distance.

I proposed to my wife after a year and we were married after two, then God blessed us with a baby on our honeymoon. That for us was the perfect time frame you don’t need any more.

This is the crux of the matter, the things you think are holding you both back are only in your imagination, you don’t both need new jobs, you both need to decide whether you want to take this further, if he does he needs to marry you and you need to move up there to live with him once you are married. Life is an adventure, if you both know you are right for each other then get married, you can make it on his wage you don’t both need to be working in fact once the babies come along its not even desirable. Time to stop making excuses and make a decision.

 

[BrokenFortress]

I know where you’re coming from. My fiance and I have been together 5 years and 3 of the 5 have been long distance. Currently we’re 5 hours apart.

I agree with the poster who is saying that perhaps he’s kind of pushing you away to avoid temptation.

And I also understand how it’s hard to be long distance. Sometimes on the phone it’s hard to portray emotion, and for my fiance and I, sometimes you get in arguments that aren’t a big deal but it’s just hard only communicating via phone and not seeing each other all the time.

What is your reasoning for waiting to get married? Have you sat down with him and discussed your life plans? Where he sees the relationship going? I know many guys wouldn’t want to talk about things like this, but I think it’s important to be on the same page.

So I don’t know that I have specific advice really but just know there’s others out there in your position and I will pray for you

 

[1ke]

I’m not really getting why your relationship isn’t able to progress. You are in your mid-twenties, both financially independent, and live a day’s drive away from each other. And, I don’t understand why one of you couldn’t move to the other’s city or get married and then move even if only one of you is employed or if one of you has to take a lesser job for a while.

My DH and I were long distance, 2K miles away from each other. We were a decade older than you, but we progressed steadily from emailing to talking on the phone, visiting monthly, engagement after 1 year, and marriage the year after that. We invested a lot of time and money into our relationship because we were committed to the relationship. We were both willing to do whatever it takes to be together.

So, basically, it makes me wonder how committed each of you is to the relationship and to progressing it to marriage. There are a lot of people who **like **long distance relationships for a reason. They like having a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” but they are still free to do things in their social group w/o the SO in the picture all the time. They are each leading parallel single lives but still have someone.

 

[kage_ar]

Just so you know, according to the Church, anything that is sexual (petting, fondling, deep kissing) is sexual sin and should be confessed.

ALL sexual activity is saved for marriage. If you would not do it in front of your parents, grandparents, your Priest and the Virgin Mary, you may not do it with your boyfriend until you are married.

 

[shelby2014]

So the gist I’m getting (the hard truth I suppose) is that we should get married sooner rather than later…One of us (me) is totally on board with that plan - I think we have both (or had) already mentally committed to each other, and that no amount of additional “planning” or “getting to know each other” would really change our minds…there’s not much more to say we haven’t said yet.

Then again, one of us (him) seems to be unsure now about marriage. (Is it something I did?)

So perhaps the real question, then would be how does a girl “pursue” marriage without “pursuing” the guy? I am traditional, and I belive things work best if the man moves the relationship forward at all times, and I think he does, too. So what does a girl do when the relationship stops dead in its tracks? At what point do you break it off? And how do I reconcile being unsatisfied in a nonmoving relationship with not wanting to lose my best friend?

 

[Havard]

I think you need to find out exactly where he stands first. You still have the right to know whether he is discerning marriage with you. Remember, asking him what he’s thinking generally doesn’t necessarily equate to pushing marriage nor does it preclude ‘being pursued.’

 

[1ke]

So the gist I’m getting (the hard truth I suppose) is that we should get married sooner rather than later…One of us (me) is totally on board with that plan - I think we have both (or had) already mentally committed to each other, and that no amount of additional “planning” or “getting to know each other” would really change our minds…there’s not much more to say we haven’t said yet.

I think you have assesse the situation rather well.

Then again, one of us (him) seems to be unsure now about marriage.

Yep. I think you are seeing that clearly now too.

Look, he’s in his early/mid-twenties. He could be focused on his career at this stage. He could not feel “ready,” he could just be unsure that you are “the one.” Those are the “good guy” at the wrong time things it could be. The “bad guy” things it could be are that he just likes having someone pay attention to him and be his “girlfriend” but on his terms and at an arm’s length.

(Is it something I did?)

No, hon. It’s just a fact of life that girls mature more quickly than boys. And, you may be ready while he isn’t. It’s also not anything you “did.” Don’t be so quick to ascribe blame to yourself.

If it doesn’t work out, it just means he isn’t the right one for you. Better to know that now than later. If it turns out that way, you will have learned a valuable lesson: men spend time and money on the things that they WANT to spend time and money on. If he insn’t investing in you (and I don’t mean diamonds and champagne) then he doesn’t deserve you.

So perhaps the real question, then would be how does a girl “pursue” marriage without “pursuing” the guy?

You don’t. You pursue your life.

When the right man who loves and resects you, who is ready to commit to you and devote himself to you comes into your life, it isn’t hard. You don’t have to pursue anything. You have mutual goals, you have mutual respect, and it falls into place. That doesn’t mean it isn’t work, marriage is a lot of work, but it’s work you WANT to do.

I am traditional, and I belive things work best if the man moves the relationship forward at all times, and I think he does, too. So what does a girl do when the relationship stops dead in its tracks? At what point do you break it off? And how do I reconcile being unsatisfied in a nonmoving relationship with not wanting to lose my best friend?

You move on.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Listen to 1ke. Good post.

Because of the difficulties of our long distance relationship and slow crawl towards marriage that may not happen, I have considered breaking up many times (sometimes daily) but he is also my best friend and unlike any guy I have ever met. It doesn’t make sense for me to break up with him because then I will for sure never see him again or talk to him, and I’d rather have what we have now (long distance) than lose him forever.

This caught my eye. Oh, when we’re young it’s all so full of emotion! How many guys HAVE you met? He’s your “best friend?” Do you have girlfriends? What do THEY think of him? (Listen to your girlfriends about the boyfriend. Just sayin’…)

Slow crawl to a marriage that may not happen… you’ve considered breaking up almost daily? Do not EVER ignore that teeny voice inside your head, the one that talks to you at 2 in the morning. The gnawing doubt. It’s your instinct. Take it from someone who ignored the little voice and married the long distance guy. Turns out I was blaming distance for causing him to be irritable and distant and cold and… well… he didn’t improve at close range on a daily basis. If you never see him again or talk to him again, that might free you for someone who isn’t content to let his “best friend” feel like she’s stuck in a non-moving relationship with a guy she claims is her best friend but she can’t ask him “where is this going and when?”

You’d rather talk to him on the phone than lose him forever? Bad set of choices. There’s other possibilities… you tell him goodbye and you find someone whose ardor for you doesn’t fade with time and distance, who is more eager not less eager to commit to you as time goes by. Or you sit him down and talk to him and make a plan and set a date. What you have is less a relationship than a phone buddy.

And here’s the whole problem… whatever you two do when you’re together… he owns half of it. Getting mad at you for his own desires and lack of self control is not fair to YOU. Purity is good. It’s to be aimed for. But a MAN of that age, if he knows being in a certain situation will lead to near occasion of sin, doesn’t end up alone with his girlfriend where things could get out of hand. And if it does, he doesn’t lay all the blame on HER and make it feel like it’s HER fault.

Because marriage is not a cure for purity. There are many times in marriage when that self control a couple has proven to each other while dating is necessary.

My suggestion is to tell him lovingly that this relationship is stagnating, and you feel like it’s not going anywhere and you don’t want to live in limbo. You respect his doubts, and you love him and so you think some separate dating is in order for him to clear his head. And you to clear yours. Put each other in perspective. Not an ultimatum… just a “this isn’t working what we’re doing now.” Maybe he’s met someone there and THAT is the source of his conflict. Because there doesn’t seem to be any real impediment to him putting a ring on your finger and setting a date. Maybe he’s having doubts about committing. If he’s not ready, best YOU find it out now. Because you deserve to be loved and respected.

If a relationship is dead in its tracks, you don’t pursue it. Don’t catch a man who doesn’t want to be caught. You’ll spend the rest of your life trying to keep him from escaping.

Good luck.

 

[John21652]

That is great news congratulations and welcome to our family

I second that!

You seem to understand things pretty good, it is a mistake for women to pursue men as it is not natural and puts men off.

As a general statement, I say Rubbish! For one thing it can be quite flattering. Secondly, there is enough research around to show that women pick the men anyway.
In this case, this young lady has her life, her feelings, her sense of committment, all on the line. Why shouldn’t she find out what’s what?

Then what is stopping you from getting married? He doesn’t need a job to give him more free time to date, you are both ready to move on from the dating stage now, whether its getting engaged or splitting up. What he needs to do is make his mind up whether you are the woman he wants to have children with or not. I thought at first you were both unemployed, if this is not the case why no marriage proposal from him? Presumably you talk regularly, I know with my wife I talked with her everyday, if this is the case after a year and a half you know enough about each other to make this decision even though its long distance.

Now here I agree 100%.
However, rather than let him just make up his mind, ask him. Put some pressure on and it may in actual fact take some pressure off.

I proposed to my wife after a year and we were married after two, then God blessed us with a baby on our honeymoon. That for us was the perfect time frame you don’t need any more.

No, you don’t need any more. Very true.

This is the crux of the matter, the things you think are holding you both back are only in your imagination, you don’t both need new jobs, you both need to decide whether you want to take this further, if he does he needs to marry you and you need to move up there to live with him once you are married. Life is an adventure, if you both know you are right for each other then get married, you can make it on his wage you don’t both need to be working in fact once the babies come along its not even desirable. Time to stop making excuses and make a decision.

Oh, very well said. Couldn’t have been more blunt if I tried. I would just add that he needs to make up his mind pronto and not lead you or himself on. However, I think you have a vested interest here, so don’t be shy in finding out.

So there you have it. Apart from one little disagreement, two men here are essentially saying the same thing.

PS: if it’s True Love 500 miles is nothing! He needs to do more driving, is all.