Long unemployed spouse + financial problems = marital trouble

[Cupofkindness]

kpyn01:

I have not doubt that your wife’s badly because she is afraid. And of course her stress makes everything else so much harder for you to deal with. I am so very sorry that this is happening.

Your compassion towards her will demonstrate to her your faith in your marriage and in God, that together you can face the worst problems with a sense of hope rather than fear. I hope the two of you can make time to sort this all out together.

Please let us know how this works out for you.

 

[Cupofkindness]

I just wasn’t typing very well with that last post. I meant to say I have no doubt that your wife was reacting badly because she is afraid…

It is so hard for women when we lose the feeling that we are in control. It’s hard for anyone. Severe stress like unemployment brings out so many insecurities and personality differences. God love you both as you work all of this out together.

 

[gretahope]

I think the heart of this post and problem of the OP isn’t the husband. The husband is. It is not his post, and it may not be his desire to change. Our response should not be advice on how she can change him, or force him to do this or that, or what she should suggest to him. Forget all that. It’s junk.

The question is this: what would God have HER do. How can HER behavior change, her heart, her attitude.

Assuming the worst, that this man is merely taking advantage of his wife, and that no bit of advice is going to change his behavior - and this I highly doubt- the issue remains the same. What would God have HER do.

Some of you suggest she get self-righteous and mad. That she tighten the leash. In all this I can’t help but see folly when contrasted with the Cross of Christ and His attitude. And, as a married man I predict he will resent you for this. You may be justified. So what?

Alternatively, the response could reflect the love of Christ. Be patient, gentle, loving and gracious. Turn the other cheek. Pray, pray, pray. Remember your vows before God and community.

We can be certain God will bless you for these, though in what way we cannot know. Again, your husband sounds to me like he’s merely going through a bit of a rough patch. Let him. Wait it out. In one year he’ll be back on top. What’s a few thousand dollars lost? Seriously? It’s only Peanuts. He’ll make that up in his first year as a lawyer. (Or a couple years later.)

In the future you’ll remeber this as either the time you were able to force your husband to “be a man” , or as your husband’s own victory with you as the supportive wife. Which would you prefer?

I’m not talking to weeflower’s situation here so much as mine, and I’m sorry to “hi-jack” this But please be careful here giving this advice unless you’ve lived it. Bit of a rough patch? Maybe for her…
I hate to sound bitter here…but what happens if 30-40 yrs go by and no change? Remember, she is responsible for HER life as well, and how she handled the “talent” she was given. Will God see her through her husband only and only how she responded to him? That sounds like idolatry to me, a wife forced to live and breathe through her husband.

It’s funny how some men say they think women should essentially sit patiently and pray. I have been married to someone who has forced me to be the disciplinarian to our boys, has rec’d 1 raise in income (and is fine w/ that) in the 27 yrs we’ve been married, and basically is fine with me being “the mom” to all here. He is unemployed and I am burdened and heartbroken. I have in reality 4 boys. They are very content to sit, eat, watch movies, and huff and puff when asked to take care of some responsibilities. I tried the Debi Pearl thing, and believe me, unless you’re married to a husband like hers it doesn’t seem to work. The man needs to be a man, not a child liking to be taken care of. Never confronting, sitting patiently doesn’t take care of the lack of responsibility and the modeling of the childish man to the kids, especially boys. The wife simply can’t be expected to earn the money, discipline the kids, do everything herself…while everyone around her gets waited on and does nothing, while she “sits” (more like staggers!) patiently continuing the insanity

 

[GeorgeMinTx]

Read most of this thread. But not every last word. One point to make …

Remember that Jesus loves your spouse more than you ever could. Your love, great as it may be, is but a drop in the ocean by comparison. Seek, then, to join your love with the love Christ has for your spouse. Only good things can come from such love.

God bless you all!

-George

 

[kpyn01]

I just wasn’t typing very well with that last post. I meant to say I have no doubt that your wife was reacting badly because she is afraid…

It is so hard for women when we lose the feeling that we are in control. It’s hard for anyone. Severe stress like unemployment brings out so many insecurities and personality differences. God love you both as you work all of this out together.

Thanks for your kind words. They do shed some possible light onto some of my issues, and I am struggling as much as I can to keep in my marriage, but the situation is overwhelming at the present.

At every opportunity, my wife accuses me of not doing enough to secure a new job and is threatening divorce on an almost daily basis and has said other very unkind things to me. The pressure of looking for a new position and treading on eggshells so as not to upset my wife is immense at the moment and I am really struggling to cope. I just feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up again as I am so tired and stressed out over everything that is happening.

I think I’m going to need a miracle to overcome my present situation.

 

[dulcissima]

Thanks for your kind words. They do shed some possible light onto some of my issues, and I am struggling as much as I can to keep in my marriage, but the situation is overwhelming at the present.

At every opportunity, my wife accuses me of not doing enough to secure a new job and is threatening divorce on an almost daily basis and has said other very unkind things to me. The pressure of looking for a new position and treading on eggshells so as not to upset my wife is immense at the moment and I am really struggling to cope. I just feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up again as I am so tired and stressed out over everything that is happening.

I think I’m going to need a miracle to overcome my present situation.

Your wife should realize that by treating you in such a manner she is doing everything that she possibly can to undermine your success. She can’t have you both succeed and be under her thumb.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Thanks for your kind words. They do shed some possible light onto some of my issues, and I am struggling as much as I can to keep in my marriage, but the situation is overwhelming at the present.

At every opportunity, my wife accuses me of not doing enough to secure a new job and is threatening divorce on an almost daily basis and has said other very unkind things to me. The pressure of looking for a new position and treading on eggshells so as not to upset my wife is immense at the moment and I am really struggling to cope. I just feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up again as I am so tired and stressed out over everything that is happening.

I think I’m going to need a miracle to overcome my present situation.

Perhaps you should print out this thread and show it to her. It might help for her to understand that there are others in marital situations similar to yours. Don’t despair!

 

[freerf]

I’m not talking to weeflower’s situation here so much as mine, and I’m sorry to “hi-jack” this But please be careful here giving this advice unless you’ve lived it. Bit of a rough patch? Maybe for her…
I hate to sound bitter here…but what happens if 30-40 yrs go by and no change? Remember, she is responsible for HER life as well, and how she handled the “talent” she was given. Will God see her through her husband only and only how she responded to him? That sounds like idolatry to me, a wife forced to live and breathe through her husband.

It’s funny how some men say they think women should essentially sit patiently and pray. I have been married to someone who has forced me to be the disciplinarian to our boys, has rec’d 1 raise in income (and is fine w/ that) in the 27 yrs we’ve been married, and basically is fine with me being “the mom” to all here. He is unemployed and I am burdened and heartbroken. I have in reality 4 boys. They are very content to sit, eat, watch movies, and huff and puff when asked to take care of some responsibilities. I tried the Debi Pearl thing, and believe me, unless you’re married to a husband like hers it doesn’t seem to work. The man needs to be a man, not a child liking to be taken care of. Never confronting, sitting patiently doesn’t take care of the lack of responsibility and the modeling of the childish man to the kids, especially boys. The wife simply can’t be expected to earn the money, discipline the kids, do everything herself…while everyone around her gets waited on and does nothing, while she “sits” (more like staggers!) patiently continuing the insanity

I’ve lived a successful marriage with a wife who motivates me. I’ve also seen many marriages break up over financial issues. 27 years is a long time. The OP is in a different situation, and is married to someone whos proven they can work hard in the past.

Your situation is very complicated and not the same. I’d say be carefull of projecting your situation on the OP. It’s apples and oranges. This is the worst economic job market in 80 years or so. Very different.