Looking for an outsiders view *marital issues*

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NoDoubt

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My husband and I have been married 7 years.
He is, for the most part, exceptionally patient and loving. I have a cognitive disability and need extra help with things. He’s not religious but he takes me to mass because I wouldn’t be able to go otherwise, etc.

That said, I have suspected vaginismus. Our sex life never really took off and gynaecological exams are pure torture. I wanted to try therapy / dilators, but he wanted me to start masturbating and exploring my body.

I calmly explained that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, so he forbid me from buying dilators because I wasn’t willing to masturbate as well. I didn’t want to make him angry so I dropped the idea.

Then he decided that because that part of me was “broken” and I wasn’t willing to resolve it in the way he suggested that I should compensate him in some other way and things have snowballed from there.

He started off asking for relatively mild things, but there was no self-giving involved; it was all for his pleasure. I didn’t particularly enjoy it but I offered up my discomfort to God.

Now, he wants to do other things that far exceed my comfort zone. And because of how uncomfortable I feel, I’m stalling and we’re getting into arguments over how he’s getting nothing lately.

I feel like a piece of meat. He’s not willing to compromise on anything so that it’s less uncomfortable for me. He said that if I won’t give him what he wants exactly how he wants it then he’ll go to a prostitute for it. Will I be culpable if he does that?

He’s kind, caring and considerate in every other way. I don’t know what to do. There’s no one I can talk to about this and I can’t see a priest right now because of coronavirus (my diocese isn’t even doing confessions).

I just need some objective opinions. Can anyone help?
 
NoDoubt said:
I just need some objective opinions. Can anyone help?
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It’s hard to know what to say because your post is a bit vague, but your husband sounds abusive. “Give me what I want or I’ll go to a prostitute” is abhorrent behavior.
 
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Oh my word, you poor woman. He is utterly vile for the way he’s treating you, that isn’t how a husband is supposed to treat a wife at all.

No good husband insists you “compensate him” because you have a medical issue, or pushes you to do things you are uncomfortable with. No good, caring husband would threaten to go to a prostitute as a way to force or coerce his wife into doing sexual acts she doesn’t want to, and blame it on her. No good husband would want his wife to be in pain whilst having sex. He is not a kind, caring, considerate man. He is abusive, selfish and pushy.

He is in the wrong, you are not.

Are you safe to be with him? Would you be able to go to a family member, or a friend? I know coronavirus has shaken things up, but you are allowed to leave if you are at risk of harm at home. Would you be able to email your Priest and tell him your situation? Or could you tell a friend/family member?
 
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I am so sorry you are being treated this way.
Perhaps counseling, someone your priest recommends (you don’t have to tell him the details).
Prayers for you, dear, and know you are a champion! You do not deserve this treatment!
Please let us know how you are doing 🙂
Lotsa hugs!
 
NoDoubt said:
He said that if I won’t give him what he wants exactly how he wants it then he’ll go to a prostitute
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He is neither kind, caring, nor compassionate. Although I cannot know the situation, it appears he is more selfish and Serling (pleasure) centered. I suggest talking with someone you truly trust and seek the help of a counselor and physician for your medical condition.
 
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Not a single person will tell you that your husband is acting correctly. You know that. You don’t need affirmation, you need to demand to be treated Holy.
 
Thank you for your kind replies. I know this particular topic is kind of TMI to share on a forum (and I usually wouldn’t) which is why I’ve left it politely vague.

I just needed someone to give ground to my feelings and that it’s okay to say no if I feel uncomfortable. I have a hard time trusting my own judgement in these things.

I’m going to pen a letter to him outlining how I feel and saying that I don’t want to do xyz anymore and say why.

If he gets angry and/or leaves me, well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thank you again.
 
You are being verbally and emotionally, even possibly physically abused. I know it’s difficult now, but get help as soon as you can! And never do anything that is uncomfortable to you, sexually. You’re not being selfish…God is giving you these feelings. From what you’ve said, your feelings are much more in line with His, than your husband’s are.

You were made for better things! God Bless!!!
 
I agree with others.

You are not bound to obey to an husband when he asks for things that you find immoral or disgusting or sinful.

He can be wonderfull in others marital aspects, but that don’t mean that he is de facto wonderfull in intimate area.
 
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