Looking for PreCana Advice from Sponsor Couples

[ChristineK]

I am getting married in the Church in April and my fiance and I will start meeting with a sponsor couple in January. The process has already been somewhat difficult, as my fiance is Baptist and is struggling with the already intimate nature of some of the Deacon’s questions: “are you sterile” “do you have children that you have not told your fiancee about” etc. We asked to get the workbook for the meetings with our Sponsor couple, and were greatly surprised at an entire chapter regarding sex/“living together.”

Will the sponsor couple cover this section in great detail? Or will it be more general? I am fine with discussing Natural Family Planning, but this section is about intimate details.

 

[Jesus_123]

+Hi ChristineK . . . congratulations on your forthcoming marriage!

I spent a number of years as the confidential executive secretary to the Senior Pastor and the church’s Wedding Secretary of a rather incredibly beautiful church . . . *at times we handled as many as eight Christ centered weddings in just a week . . . *

The questions you mentioned the deacon asked are important from the standpoint of a bride and groom in the Lord ** . . . being completely honest and above board with **Christ ****and **His **Church and one another . . . being of the first and primary importance . . . and secondly . . . to make sure that there is . . . no serious matter . . . which might cause trouble for the couple . . . which serious matter might conceivably be considered a very real impediment to the couple’s being able to prayerfully enter into a . . . Holy Truly Sacramental Marriage . . . the Baptist community of the faithful do not have Church Canon Law to consider when counseling couples and preparing them for marriage . . . which Canon Law clarifies considerably for God’s children within the Catholic Church some very real necessary requirements which should be considered for souls to enter into a healthy wholesome honest marriage based on a solid foundation in the Lord . . .

This having been said . . . I want to compliment both you and your husband for your sensitivity to the issue you have shared with us . . . which sensitivity is in actuality . . . very healthy . . . in the day and age we live in invasion of personal privacy and marital privacy . . . unfortunately . . . is commonplace in the world we live in . . . but that does not make such invasions of privacy either sound . . . or healthy . . . or wise . . . and you most certainly do not have to discuss anything whatsoever of an intimate nature with your sponsor couple or anyone else . . . if you have a question(s) upon which you would like an answer from a Catholic perspective . . . that’s fine . . . but for wise counsel perhaps your priest would be the best resource . . . there are some wonderful Catholic resources available for brides and grooms preparing for marriage . . . which would not involve sharing intimate sensitive matters with another couple . . .

Reading the chapter you mentioned together . . . and perhaps discussing same . . . might be helpful as you prepare for marriage . . . but if you are not comfortable chatting about such matters . . . **just share with the sponsor couple you feel that out of respect for your personal privacy both as individuals and as a couple approaching marriage . . . that you are not comfortable discussing such matters outside your personal betrothal and marital relationship as a soon to be married couple **. . . and graciously request that they respect your privacy and your wishes in this matter . . . if they won’t agree . . . then you most certainly don’t have to continue on with such a couple as your sponsors . . . and please feel free to share with the priest or deacon your decision and request that you be assigned another couple who will respect your personal and marital privacy in the Lord . . . and your innocence as a couple yet to be married . . .

When sharing with children about the “facts of life” so to speak . . . we counsel parents to be very careful that such discussions be carefully kept as . . . “age appropriate” . . . and in relation to new couples newly entering into Christian marriage . . . as novices with one another in this realm . . . just because volumes of information are available . . . doesn’t mean new novice couples need to be flooded with information . . . in regard to some Precana gatherings and counseling . . . particularly in regard to NFP counseling . . . at times I’ve been truly and utterly apalled at the lack of sensitivity and perspective of those teaching due to the fact that the individuals they are teaching are novice married couples just approaching the marriage relationship with one another in the Lord . . . and particularly the innocence and privacy of very young couples needs and should be carefully protected . . .

Hope this helps a bit to andress your concerns . . .

*May God’s sweetly your upcoming marriage . . . *

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Sweet Spirit of our Holy God+​

 

[1ke]

I am getting married in the Church in April and my fiance and I will start meeting with a sponsor couple in January. The process has already been somewhat difficult, as my fiance is Baptist and is struggling with the already intimate nature of some of the Deacon’s questions: “are you sterile” “do you have children that you have not told your fiancee about” etc.

The premarital questionnaire is necessary to uncover any impediments to a valid marraige.

We asked to get the workbook for the meetings with our Sponsor couple, and were greatly surprised at an entire chapter regarding sex/“living together.”

This topic is pretty standard in the preparation for marriage.

Will the sponsor couple cover this section in great detail? Or will it be more general? I am fine with discussing Natural Family Planning, but this section is about intimate details.

There isn’t a standard answer we can give for this. Each sponsor couple is unique and may approach subjects differently based on their experience as a sponsor couple.

If a topic comes up that you are not comfortable with, I suggest you be honest. You can explore why you aren’t comfortable with it and perhaps find alternatives-- such as the women talking one-on-one and the men doing the same.

The purpose is not to make you uncomfortable. It is to prepare you for the lifelong sacrament of marriage.

 

[Jesus_123]

+Hi again ChristineK . . . I ran out of time this A. M. and rushed completing my prior post before flying out of the house to work . . . and didn’t have a chance to proofread it . . . *sorry about that . . . * . . . didn’t have a chance to proof the reply till this noon hour . . . *it should have read . . . *

• … Hope this helps a bit to address your concerns . . .

*May God sweetly bless your upcoming marriage . . . **

. . . all for Jesus+​

 

[ChristineK]

I am relieved that we can ask for some privacy or alternative ways to discuss this issue.

I do want to mention that I understand why the Church requires answers to certain questions. I mention this only as it has been a bit of a shock to my fiance, whose church requires some pre-marriage counseling, but does not require signed documents or ask detailed questions to determine fit for marriage. “You’re in love” equals “Let’s get you married” at his church. The fact that the parish church is following the guidelines of a much larger church that is trying to ensure all couples are in valid marriages, no matter where they live, is tough for him to understand. I wish our church had someone involved in this process who had converted to Catholism, so they could explain this in terms he would be familiar/comfortable with.