Lord, what vocation was that you said?!

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snowgarden

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Has anyone else felt called to be married and wondered if you misread the Lord? I read recently that the single vocation is for someone who is dedicated to other people either through their job or family obligations. I understand the family obligations part because that happened to me. My brother had a catastrophic illness and lived a few years before his death (just like Terri Shiavio) when I was 19 years old and my family caregiver role continues until this day.

Sometime around 6th grade, Sister Angela told us of the vocations and I believed I heard God say “I want you to have a family for me as a witness to Me.” and I believed and prepared for that calling. I believed it as much as I believed in my faith in Him. I never had any doubt that this was my vocation and avocation. I wasn’t the type of girl that attracted a man which is what you need for a married vocation! I turned 40 and it dawned on me that, despite my attempts to connect with men through the years, they did not respond to me in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. At this time, my younger sister had 3 boys in 3 years and so began my “works of mercy” living with her on weekends and other days to help out. The other times I help my elderly parents. I have been too busy helping her out and loving those boys to take that extra step and do something out of character for me like going places to meet men or using personal ads even.

Now I don’t have any faith in any of my feelings. Were my feelings that I had a vocation to be married from God or my own longings? U2 once had a video and text appeared behind the band saying “Everything you know is wrong.” That’s how I feel. It affects more than how I feel about a vocation, but how I feel about God. I have been in the dark night of the soul for ages. To not feel the pain of not being loved I “hardened my heart” and tried to block out the pain. Do I need to accept my situation in life as my vocation, a single vocation? How can I accept being so lonely? People say do good for others to not feel sorry for yourself. I am steeped in that with my sister, nephews and parents. Still I can’t get over the pain of not being loved in a physical way by a man who wants to hear my thoughts and be with me. I have to accept not having children since I don’t think my body will cooperate even if I did find someone and I accept that. I tell God all the time that I don’t blame Him for my situation. I must be reaping what I sowed and it must be natural justice for some character flaw I have that has kept men repelled by me. I know that God can do all things and I also know that He sometimes doesn’t will things that we want. Is the single vocation His will for me? Is it a default vocation? Why can’t I feel this is His will?

I hate that I feel bitterness and anger sometimes at other people. It makes me feel self-righteous. I’m the girl who always wanted to be chaste, never would kill an unborn child, would have sacrificed to send my kids to Catholic school to know about about God. The people around me who never cared about these things rebelled in the opposite way. They may have been promiscuous, had abortions, got married in the church even though they were living in sin, used birth control and now they are blessed with the love of their spouse and little children entrusted to them. They sinned much and now are loved much. I tried to be good and I realize how empty my arms are. I don’t begrudge them God’s forgiveness and blessings, but it’s so hard to have one of them tell you that they “as a mother” know what’s what in all matters and I couldn’t know since I am not a mother. God forgive me for my envy. Is anyone else dealing with this type of problem?
 
It is very easy to misread our own desires as “God’s calling,” even after prayer and contemplation, let alone as an impressionable 6th grader. It’s also possible to misunderstand the implications of a particular calling, putting our own “spin” on it, and wanting to do it our way rather than His.

You may be too old to conceive a child, but you have no idea what God has planned for you if you open yourself to His will. Although I never married, I acquired a 17-year-old son when I was 46. He was estranged from his mother and his father had died, and he desperately needed someone for guidance and emotional support. He is now my son, and I am his dad. I never would have guessed that I’d end up in this situation, but I thank God I have. I feel blessed to be able to help one of “the least of His brothers.”

Long ago you thought God called you to be a parent, and you have been a surrogate parent to your nephews. In a sense you have also been a surrogate parent to your own elderly parents. Perhaps if you had been married, you wouldn’t have had the time, nor the inclination. And who knows how much more good you can accomplish in the years to come, because you are unencumbered by a husband? (I know I’d be involved in half as many volunteer activities if I was married.)

Rather than being angry with yourself for misreading God call, or being angry with God for sending such a confusing message, open yourself to God’s true calling. (My favorite prayer is Samuel’s: “Speak Lord, your servant is listening.”) Recognize the good that you’re doing, and the good that you can continue to do, either within your own family, or perhaps as a volunteer to those outside your family (CCD teacher, Big Sister, tutor, etc.)

You have also bought into a lie, that when a person gets married they live happily ever after. Yes, it happens sometimes, but statistically 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And those who are still married aren’t always loved by their spouse, nor are they always in love with their spouse. Your envy has clouded your perception of your friend’s lives.

It would help you greatly to discuss these feelings with a priest of counselor, so that you can open yourself to God’s true calling, without regrets for what you have or haven’t done.
 
Bloom where you are planted. What you have done and are doing for your family is a wonderful and sacrificial gift. Offer up your sufferings of lonliness to the Lord. If He has plans for you to be married, He will bring them about in His own time.

Sometimes I feel the opposite, as if I decided to marry without even considering a religious life, and there are times I wish I would have considered it. But my husband and children need me to love them HERE and NOW, I can’t be re-hashing what might have been.

You are not wasting your life. Make that your goal - to please the Lord in whatever way he guides you to do it.

God Bless you.
 
I feel your pain.

Having a family for the Lord as a witness to Him may also mean starting a religious community.

Although, if I were your sister and other family members, I’d be thanking God every minute of every day that He hadn’t sent a man into your life.

If you were here in front of me, I’d give you a big hug.

Blessings,
Cloisters
 
Sounds like you’re a bit of a victim soul, called to a special form of sacrifice and offering. Perhaps it is precisely the suffering which you’ve undergone by your life well lived and going without that which you sense yourself as called to that is redeeming the others who appear to be living “the good life”.

Not an easy answer, I know, and not intended to be an excuse for your sensibility of call. I like to think of the single life as those 10 wise virgins who are keeping perpetual vigil in service of the Lord, while awaiting the arrival of the bridegroom.
 
I can sympathize with your situation. Despite everything that changed, etc. throughout the years I always knew I would get married and have a family. Recently things have been flipped around and I find myself struggling to discern where my life is going. I just constantly remind myself to pray “God show me your will for my life, and give me the courage and desire to follow your will wherever it may lead me.”

Pray my sister. And I will definitely pray for you.

The ministry you are offering to your family is an amazing example of Christ’s love!
 
Boy, replies to this thread I started long ago came as a bolt out of the blue. I must say I’m no saint. In fact, you might say I’ve had a break down over this and have not been my best, but through it all I’ve still been here day in and day out with my sister and her kids and my parents doing what I can, but they have helped me more in these days of darkness. Paraphrasing Job, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away…blessed be the name of the Lord.”
 
snowgarden said:
Has anyone else felt called to be married and wondered if you misread the Lord? I
. . .
Sometime around 6th grade, Sister Angela told us of the vocations and I believed I heard God say “I want you to have a family for me as a witness to Me.” and I believed and prepared for that calling. ?
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It sounds like you were called to have a family and be a witness to the Lord through your care for them – but that for you the route to having that family was not marriage and bearing your own children, but remaining single and taking on the burdens of caring for other family members. It sounds as if you have been given a family, but not in the way you expected.

I think it is quite likely in our 40s and 50s for those of us who married and had children to find sources of anger, resentment and envy in our own situations when we compare our lives with those of other friends or relatives. I think those feelings can come when we compare families, vocations, lifestyles, career choices, place of residence, health, our spouses, our children and any other aspect of life. I think those feelings are somewhat natural at the stage in life where we reflect on the paths we took, and realize we are never going to realize most of the dreams we had when we were younger.
 
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