Losing Friends Over my Anxiety

[TotusTuusForever]

I have an anxiety disorder that I am currently getting treated for. But, I seem to have lost friends because I have opened up about it to them. First, I lost one friend of a decade after I told her I had anxiety. She randomly said that I wasn’t visiting her house enough and then never talked to me again. Then, after opening up about it to my friends in college they started acting weird. When I was getting married, I asked on of my friends to be a bridesmaid and she responded "I don’t know why you are asking me." I asked her because we were close in school and spent every day together. She has since never talked to me again and ignored me when I have tried to reach out. We were good friends though. Then another friend who I was close to had a baby and I sent her a gift after the baby was born and she never got back to me that she received it. I gave her several weeks before I reached out because I know life is overwhelming after giving birth. Well, when I reached out, she confirmed she received it, said a quick thank you and went MIA. The next time she talked to me was when she was asking if I’d like to buy something from her business. Since then, I haven’t heard from her. I’ve tried reaching out and apologize if I did anything to hurt her, but She acts like everything is fine even though she is so distant. I don’t want to be annoying by contacting her if she doesn’t want to talk to me, and it just seems like I have been putting in the effort in the friendship for a while now. I think I’m ready to move on from these friendships since I only feel like a burden in them. Advice would be helpful, but please do also pray for me. Anxiety has been one of the heaviest crosses I have had to carry. And, the way people start acting like I’m a leper after I open up about it to them hasn’t helped either. I feel like I’m bound to be friendless forever at this point.

 

[heidi_storage]

I’m very glad you’re getting treatment for your anxiety. As you tell it, several people have acted in extremely rude and weird ways. Consider these possibilities:

1. You need new friends. Unconsciously or not, you are seeking out people who are going to reject you because you think they’re the only people you can be friends with.
2. Your anxiety is causing you to perceive rejection where none is intended in at least some of these cases. (I think this is quite likely for at least some of the instances you mention; people are mostly busy, distracted, and lazy rather than outright hostile.)
3. Your anxiety is causing is you to act in ways that are pushing people away from you. So, for instance, if you keep on asking a friend “No, but are you REALLY okay with me? Really? You’re not just saying that, are you?” that can cause people to cringe a bit and shut down communication.

I am sure that you will not be friendless your whole life! I suggest that you 1) identify to yourself the people you’d really, genuinely like to be friends with, not just because you think they’ll tolerate you or because you’ve known them awhile; 2) issue casual invitations to talk or to do something; and 3) not be offended by “no” unless someone outright tells you something like “I don’t like you because you’re a weirdo.”

Go ahead and seek out more friends to be with! But remember, when your brain starts going into overload with thoughts of “Do you think she’ll be my friend if I tell her about the anxiety what did that last text of hers mean she hasn’t responded for days” you need to shut it down with whatever techniques your mental health provider teaches you.

 

[IdaCatholic]

The reactions you describe are not normal human reactions. So it is hard to know what advice to give.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

You need new friends. Unconsciously or not, you are seeking out people who are going to reject you because you think they’re the only people you can be friends with.

This is quite possible. But, I tend to be loyal to people even if they do me wrong. I fear that I’d be disloyal if I moved on from the friendship.

• Your anxiety is causing you to perceive rejection where none is intended in at least some of these cases. (I think this is quite likely for at least some of the instances you mention; people are mostly busy, distracted, and lazy rather than outright hostile.)

I am conscious that my anxiety can make me feel rejected. But, I have gone over and over in my mind trying to see where I am seeing something that isn’t there and I can’t find any place where I have acted irrationally. I have given my friends time, but they still haven’t seemed interested in a friendship with me and they don’t give me a reason as to why.

Your anxiety is causing is you to act in ways that are pushing people away from you. So, for instance, if you keep on asking a friend “No, but are you REALLY okay with me? Really? You’re not just saying that, are you?” that can cause people to cringe a bit and shut down communication.

I only apologized once to the friend I mentioned above. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt her. And I didn’t say “really, REALLY”. I just explained that I care about her and that I hope I didn’t hurt her accidentally. She replied with a nice short reply and then didn’t message me until she asked if I wanted to buy anything from her business. I haven’t heard from her since. And, at this point I don’t want to keep reaching out because I feel like then I would sound needy.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

With the exception of the first friend, when you didn’t visit; I honestly don’t see how your anxiety is contributing to any of this. It sounds like everyone I know and their friends.

With the first friend I mentioned, I was anxious to go over to her house because she and her family would mob me with their religion and try to convert me. They would even make me read out of their holy book. I told her I was Catholic but she didn’t care and kept being sneaky. It made me anxious to go to her house. I invited her to my house, but she refused and said I didn’t care about her enough. I apologized and told her I care about her so much, but she never replied. I was young then, too. So, I can see where I went wrong. But, it is just frustrating that I am running into the same thing repetitively.

 

[heidi_storage]

But, I have gone over and over in my mind

I think your anxiety is making you overthink things a bit here.

Don’t worry about “disloyalty”–be kind to all, but seek friendship with those who will be a good friend to you.

 

[DarkLight]

That would make anyone anxious to go over there! That’s just plain old rude, how she acted. It sounds there more like she was using your anxiety to deny her own poor behavior.

 

[IdaCatholic]

You were made to read from a holy book? And when you didnt come over often enough they were done with you forever? You asked someone to be a bridesmaid and they wrote you off forever because of it? You sent someone a gift and they wrote you off forever because of it? This doesnt make sense. There has to be more to it.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

No. That is the truth. I’m not lying or exaggerating. If you don’t believe me then thats on you. God knows I’m telling the truth.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

You were made to read from a holy book?

Yes, the book of Mormon.

And when you didnt come over often enough they were done with you forever?

Yes. Exactly.

You asked someone to be a bridesmaid and they wrote you off forever because of it?

Yes. I would love to know why. It doesn’t make sense.

You sent someone a gift and they wrote you off forever because of it?

They never contacted me since besides trying to get me to buy something from them. And when I didn’t buy anything because I couldn’t afford it I never heard from them again.

All of these people were good friends. I have no idea what happened.I still care about them all. I’m not carrying a grudge. I think anyone would have anxiety if they lived through the things I have gone through. It honestly feels like I have been cursed or something. (Which sometimes I think might be the case considering I had a classmate that was in to which craft that was friends with people who hate me for being catholic.)

 

[TheLittleLady]

They never contacted me since besides trying to get me to buy something from them. And when I didn’t buy anything because I couldn’t afford it I never heard from them again.

There are people involved in some MLM businesses who seek out and befriend people for the purpose of recruiting them into the business. Others, once they get into those businesses have no time for friendships outside the MLM world.

Sad, but, it happens.

 

[Legend]

It sounds like the Mormon friend and her family just want you as a convert. There are many nice Mormons who are capable of liking people for themselves, but others just want converts. In fact, if you ever met them when they are with their ‘bishop’, ‘stake president’, or even a missionary passing thru, you may have been ‘assigned’ to them! It sounds strange, but it is done! And, not just by Mormons, although they are better organized.

If they are people from MLMs, it’s even worse…they want you to buy into the company! If they asked you questions like ‘would you like to hear of a good business opportunity’ or ‘have your own business’ then invite you to an orientation session…all I can advise you is to run! And, they will only use become ‘friendlier’ trying to do so, up to the point you join…as up to that point, any products, books, tapes, or other ‘training materials’ they give you, they have paid for! You don’t start paying your own way, until you make your first ‘investment’ usually a ‘starter kit’ with a few samples, and training materials, costing about 200.00! Only about one percent who sign on make any money…and, if still in the organization when interviewed, will not subtract the price of training materials, inspirational books, or meetings ans training tools bought for possible investors!

I know…I’m off on a tangent…but you should look for friends who do things you like to do! Join a club, volunteer, do what you want to do! And, don’t be unkind, but just be polite, to people who, like most of the people you mentioned, put strings on your friendship. that isn’t friendship at all.

Best of luck, and God Bless!

 

[JanetF]

I’m very glad you’re getting treatment for your anxiety. As you tell it, several people have acted in extremely rude and weird ways. Consider these possibilities:

1. You need new friends. Unconsciously or not, you are seeking out people who are going to reject you because you think they’re the only people you can be friends with.
2. Your anxiety is causing you to perceive rejection where none is intended in at least some of these cases. (I think this is quite likely for at least some of the instances you mention; people are mostly busy, distracted, and lazy rather than outright hostile.)
3. Your anxiety is causing is you to act in ways that are pushing people away from you. So, for instance, if you keep on asking a friend “No, but are you REALLY okay with me? Really? You’re not just saying that, are you?” that can cause people to cringe a bit and shut down communication.

I am sure that you will not be friendless your whole life! I suggest that you 1) identify to yourself the people you’d really, genuinely like to be friends with, not just because you think they’ll tolerate you or because you’ve known them awhile; 2) issue casual invitations to talk or to do something; and 3) not be offended by “no” unless someone outright tells you something like “I don’t like you because you’re a weirdo.”

Go ahead and seek out more friends to be with! But remember, when your brain starts going into overload with thoughts of “Do you think she’ll be my friend if I tell her about the anxiety what did that last text of hers mean she hasn’t responded for days” you need to shut it down with whatever techniques your mental health provider teaches you.

I can’t top this response, I can only reiterate, that friends come and go, more likely due to busy lives rather than your anxiety.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

1. issue casual invitations to talk or to do something; and 3) not be offended by “no” unless someone outright tells you something like “I don’t like you because you’re a weirdo.”

One thing about this is that I did the #2 suggestion for a while. Eventually, the people I was trying to make friends with would tell me I should try to make more friends. And after they started avoiding me, I realized I wasn’t cool enough for them. And, with #3 I have been made fun of a lot in college. People would make fun of my face and tell me my features are too big or that I look like a certain animal. After a while I just got super discouraged so I would settle with who ever wanted to be friends with me even if they didn’t always respect me.

 

[heidi_storage]

I don’t know if you’re in a toxic environment, but that sounds atypically mean for college-age and beyond. Do NOT seek out mean people–there are plenty of nice people in the world, I promise!

What do you like to do? Can you join a Meetup group or volunteer? You’ll be able to socialize with others in your group, and if you cast a wide enough net, you may find someone really simpatico.

Finally, something like Toastmasters might be helpful for you! You can work on your speaking skills and confidence with a lot of other people who may be in a similar situation.

 

[TotusTuusForever]

I never heard of Toastmasters. It sounds intriguing. I’ll definitely check that out.

And yeah, I’m not sure why I get those reactions. I used to invite people over to my place during college and I would cook for them, but people would come to eat my food and then never interact with me outside of class. I started feeling like I was just another lunch lady to them. I never made it an issue though. I’m not really a confrontational type of person. And, I was mostly just thankful for their company when they came because I was so lonely most of the time.