Loss of passion with partner

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AlexisTherese

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Hello,

I feel a bit embarrassed to talk about this but here we go. I have become more religious over time and myself and my boyfriend been abstaining from sex for nearly a year now. I know this is the right thing to do but the passion has kind of vanished, we still do nice stuff for one another and there are moments of romance but some times it just feels like we are just very good friends rather than a couple. (Neither of us are virgins and live together due to financial reasons) This hasn’t put an extreme pressure or caused red flag problems but I really miss the feeling of being that kind of closeness. Also I feel kind of unattractive and less of a good partner due to this. Uhhhh any tips are helpful.
 
@AlexisTherese

It’s more than,what meets the eye,like one mind and spirit ,you both plan and do things together ,pray together in ,the love and respect and companionship for one another with the Lord ,than just Physical closeness, other wise it would be selfish and self centered and distorted ,and sinful relationship, so, as a solution why don’t you both get married in the Catholic Church.

http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p2s2c3a7.htm
Marriage under the regime of sin

1606 Every man experiences evil around him and within himself. This experience makes itself felt in the relationships between man and woman. Their union has always been threatened by discord, a spirit of domination, infidelity, jealousy, and conflicts that can escalate into hatred and separation. This disorder can manifest itself more or less acutely, and can be more or less overcome according to the circumstances of cultures, eras, and individuals, but it does seem to have a universal character.

[1607] According to faith the disorder we notice so painfully does not stem from the nature of man and woman, nor from the nature of their relations, but from sin. As a break with God, the first sin had for its first consequence the rupture of the original communion between man and woman. Their relations were distorted by mutual recriminations;96 their mutual attraction, the Creator’s own gift, changed into a relationship of domination and lust;97 and the beautiful vocation of man and woman to be fruitful, multiply, and subdue the earth was burdened by the pain of childbirth and the toil of work.98

[1608] Nevertheless, the order of creation persists, though seriously disturbed. To heal the wounds of sin, man and woman need the help of the grace that God in his infinite mercy never refuses them.99 Without his help man and woman cannot achieve the union of their lives for which God created them “in the beginning.”
 
OP, are you a Catholic? If you are Catholic, then you should either be making arrangements to marry your boyfriend, or ending the relationship and moving out.

Living together, even for financial reasons, is frowned upon, and the fact that you had a past sexual relationship suggests that living together is going to be a near occasion of sin for you.

Of course “the passion has kind of vanished” since you are abstaining from sex and reailstically can’t even engage in the preliminaries for fear of falling back into sex, which the Church teaches is sinful for an unmarried couple.
 
I think there needs to be a revival of girls / guys rooming with people of the same gender – rather than with a romantic interest. Folks are essentially becoming common-law spouses too easily, I think. Is it possible for you to find a woman friend to room with to save expenses?
 
Hello Alexis - It is good that you “are just very good friends rather than a couple”! If you are not married and not even engaged, then you are not a “couple”.

It is wonderful that you “have become more religious over time”! I pray that this grace (and it is God’s grace, His gift to and for, you and your “boyfriend”) only increase. Resolve to become a “couple” with Jesus! With Him, living in Truth with Him, you can truly find your life - who you are, and who God created you to be.

This can be a blessed moment for you (and for your friend!), if only you remain faithful and obedient to God’s grace. If you reject His grace, in preference for a disordered and graceless sexual relationship with anyone who is not your husband, the path of your life will head only downward, and things will go from bad to worse. I pray that such a thing will not be your choice.

A door is open for you to change and re-direct your life, and the life of your “boy-friend” (if he is truly your friend), and such times are rare - special - perhaps crucial. Don’t waste the moment set before you.
 
There is a reason why people sometimes refer to such arrangements as “living as brother and sister”. Either get married or end it, fish or cut bait.
 
It also occurs to me that if your boyfriend is putting up with this situation, he probably really does love you and respect you. Is he open to your religious view? Would he go to church with you – are you guys thinking about marriage at all?
 
I commend you for your decision to start abstaining and being willing to open up and ask others about how to deal with it.

People can “lose passion” or have declining physical attraction even if they’re sexually active. Conversely, even a couple that is abstaining and waiting can still have chemistry and eagerly await their honeymoon. Perhaps a deeper compatibility issue is at play here and it’s not just about ending the sex.
 
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I’m confused. Have you lost the desire to be with him sexually, or do you still want to and you’re just not acting on it for religious reasons?

If the latter, maybe think about marriage. If the former, maybe the relationship has run its course.
 
I don’t think you’d take that as a good idea if applied to people who are attracted to members of the same sex. Clearly in that situation it would be more likely for someone to be closer to the near occasion of sin.
 
True, although a gay person who needs a roommate could have an opposite sex roommate. Or just a straight roommate, i suppose.
 
Keep in mind the fire of a young relationship doesn’t burn high forever, too. You become used to each other and comfortable with each other, and that’s natural.

Like the others, I commend you for abstaining. It’s not easy, especially in close quarters. Is this relationship going to blossom into marriage, though? Living together for at least a year, it sounds like from what you’re saying…
 
I’ll tell you my experience. Maybe this will give you a little insight. I am in a very similar situation. I moved in with a "boyfriend’ and as I have begun to go back to church and recieve the sacraments, I have abstained from sexual relations for several months now. My situation is a little different, I was married and my husband died 7 years ago. I met this man, whose never been married, two years after my husband died. Maybe this was too soon, but I was so attracted to him. I wanted him to marry me for the past, almost 5 years, but he never asked. And I’ve hinted plenty of times. As I became more involved with my faith, it’s been harder to become physical with him again although I too miss the intimacy, I’m pretty much done with the relationship if marriage isn’t going to be happening, and since going back to church, it’s been easier to keep things at a distance. The way things are set up in the house, I have my own room and he has his own room. I live rent-free in exchange for buying groceries and preparing all the meals and also taking care of another developmentally disabled adult (sister) But even so, it’s hard at times to live with someone that you can’t touch anymore, although we do interact cordially and respectfully. On his end, I think he never wanted to be married. My own fault for thinking I could convince him otherwise. You can’t change anyone no matter how many hoops you jump through, and it is sad and as time goes on, I’m feeling ashamed that I even got into this situation. But, long story short, it’s better to move on, I don’t really believe a man and woman can live together after having already been involved sexually, you really can’t “put the horse back into the barn” and not because I’m lusting after him (not at all) it’s hard because that special intimacy that’s really reserved for the special bond between a man and a woman, never really was there, it wasn’t authentic and a lot of time has been lost. And I too feel unattractive because he isn’t responding to me like a man would to a woman. That part of romance wasn’t really there either very much and it should be. I think when a man that you like a lot doesn’t notice you it hurts. This is another aspect of the situation that makes it difficult to live around someone that you thought could be permanent, which I believe women really long for in the end.
 
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