Lost again

[MonjaFutura]

I’ve already posted at least once on this topic but it’s even more confusing now! I’ve realized that when I look at the cross, I am in love. I want to belong to Jesus and no other. I want to love Him alone. I’ve lived in sin for 2 months and I never talked to Him or thought of Him with love and now I’m thinking about religious life again. My reasons are that I believe it is for the salvation of my soul, of other souls and for love. After all I’ve done, all the times that I’ve rejected Him and turn away from His Love, I just don’t know if He’d want me to be His Bride. I mean, to be called to be a nun is a big thing. The Creator of everything has chosen you to be His Bride! And that He’d choose me, who very quickly chose horrible sins and the lust of a mortal man over Him, is crazy.
When I was innocent, that might have been believable. It’s not that I lost my innocence but in my heart, I had. I’m filled with doubt and I’ve really abused Christ’s love. I don’t know if He would take me back. I used to be so sure and now I’m not at all. It’s been 3 years and He has seemed to prove that religious life is for me, that it’s my vocation. But it’s like my life’s divided now into a before and an after. I want to love Jesus alone but I don’t know if He would “accept” my proposal.

 

[Faustina123]

If you haven’t gone to confession - go. God is so good at giving second chances (or third, or fourth, or fifth… .) Lent is a beautiful time for repentence - so many wonderful scripture readings this time of year. All of us sin. All of us reject God at times (rejection = sin.) It is never too late.

Spend some time in Adoration - bring your bible and see how much God loves you.

 

[MonjaFutura]

If you haven’t gone to confession - go. God is so good at giving second chances (or third, or fourth, or fifth… .) Lent is a beautiful time for repentence - so many wonderful scripture readings this time of year. All of us sin. All of us reject God at times (rejection = sin.) It is never too late.

Spend some time in Adoration - bring your bible and see how much God loves you.

I do see how much God loves me, which is the painful part. I want to belong to Him alone but i really don’t know if He would accept. I rejected HIm not only by sinning but by choosing a guy’s love over His. I knew well how God loves me and I chose a guy selfishly over Him. I love Him but I don’t know if He would want me to be a nun. And as much as i hate to admit it, I feel kind of heartbroken that He would let me fall in love with Him and then it turns out that my vocation isn’t even to be a nun. I turned away and I feel bad about it but I want to be able to prove that there really are happy endings to teenagers that fall in love with our Lord. You hear so many stories of people who were so sure and then they just lose it. No earthly marriage can compare to the espousal of Jesus, completely, to His Little Bride. I just doubt that Jesus would actually want me, you know? I know Jesus loves me but His Love is the greatest and I want to belong to Him alone so bad. I know this is really long! It’s probably longer than the initial post!!!

 

[LilyM]

I do see how much God loves me, which is the painful part. I want to belong to Him alone but i really don’t know if He would accept. I rejected HIm not only by sinning but by choosing a guy’s love over His. I knew well how God loves me and I chose a guy selfishly over Him. I love Him but I don’t know if He would want me to be a nun.

Have you ever read the story of St Augustine? He led, for decades, a life of grave sexual sin, added to the sin of heresy, yet God chose him, unworthy as he was, to be a priest and bishop. And he was one of the greatest.

Think about what that means - a priest is an alter Christus, the mouth and hands through which Our Lord speaks and acts, confecting the sacraments, entrusted with the highest possible authority by God, that of guiding and saving souls. A bishop - the same but even more so. Positions that demand the utmost integrity and holiness, at least as much so as being a nun.

And yet God entrusted these high responsibilities and great honours to St Augustine, who more than most had sinned against Him. His graces and mercy are truly greater than any sin. Many a boyfriend and husband has forgiven - repeatedly - an erring girlfriend or wife, and God loves far more than thay could. In fact read the book of Hosea, where this exact imagery - the prophet’s loving relationship with his own repeatedly unfaithful wife - is used to demonstrate God’s constant wish for the erring soul to come back to Him rather than stay away from fear.

So do not be tempted to despair of your vocation, but start discerning in earnest.

 

[PerfectTiming]

I do see how much God loves me, which is the painful part. I want to belong to Him alone but i really don’t know if He would accept. I rejected HIm not only by sinning but by choosing a guy’s love over His. I knew well how God loves me and I chose a guy selfishly over Him. I love Him but I don’t know if He would want me to be a nun. And as much as i hate to admit it, I feel kind of heartbroken that He would let me fall in love with Him and then it turns out that my vocation isn’t even to be a nun. I turned away and I feel bad about it but I want to be able to prove that there really are happy endings to teenagers that fall in love with our Lord. You hear so many stories of people who were so sure and then they just lose it. No earthly marriage can compare to the espousal of Jesus, completely, to His Little Bride. I just doubt that Jesus would actually want me, you know? I know Jesus loves me but His Love is the greatest and I want to belong to Him alone so bad. I know this is really long! It’s probably longer than the initial post!!!

That is the wonderful thing about God’s love - we can reject Him but He will always welcome us back with open arms. I have chosen other things, worldly things over Christ before but His love has always brought me back. God’s love for us has no bounds, it is fully and truly unconditional. Your sins, past present or future, do not mean He would not want you to be His Bride. Do not doubt Him but trust in His love. If He is calling you and you feel that He is calling you then trust that He would not call if He did not want you.

I wonder though you may be romanticising religious life too much. Yes it is wonderful and yes it is a beautiful showing of love and dedication to the Lord but it is not the only way to be dedicated to the Lord. You can be that in love with Christ and dedicate yourself to Him without entering religious life. Dedication to Christ and religious life are not mutually inclusive. I’m not discounting your fervour for religious life and I really do understand, I’m just saying sometimes you have to take a moment and take a step back. The other thing to remember about religious life is that religious life is a path to holiness, not for the already holy. You are a sinner, I am a sinner, we are all sinners but God calls us to holiness whatever path we take in life. Your vocation may be to be a nun, it may not, but God loves you and God wants you to lead a holy life whatever vocation He has planned for you. Also, do not pursue religious life because you want to prove something to others. You have to let that go because otherwise it will cloud your ability to see where the Holy Spirit is guiding you.

I hope you can understand I am not trying to be overly negative or critical, I am genuinely just trying to help. You are in my prayers.

Edit: LilyM is right, you might benefit from reading the stories of the saints. There are many saints who lead sinful lives before their conversion to Christ. Saint Francis founded a religious order that perseveres even today, yet he once led a life of sin. Saint Augustine also led a life of sin before his conversion.

 

[MonjaFutura]

That is the wonderful thing about God’s love - we can reject Him but He will always welcome us back with open arms. I have chosen other things, worldly things over Christ before but His love has always brought me back. God’s love for us has no bounds, it is fully and truly unconditional. Your sins, past present or future, do not mean He would not want you to be His Bride. Do not doubt Him but trust in His love. If He is calling you and you feel that He is calling you then trust that He would not call if He did not want you.

I wonder though you may be romanticising religious life too much. Yes it is wonderful and yes it is a beautiful showing of love and dedication to the Lord but it is not the only way to be dedicated to the Lord. You can be that in love with Christ and dedicate yourself to Him without entering religious life. Dedication to Christ and religious life are not mutually inclusive. I’m not discounting your fervour for religious life and I really do understand, I’m just saying sometimes you have to take a moment and take a step back. The other thing to remember about religious life is that religious life is a path to holiness, not for the already holy. You are a sinner, I am a sinner, we are all sinners but God calls us to holiness whatever path we take in life. Your vocation may be to be a nun, it may not, but God loves you and God wants you to lead a holy life whatever vocation He has planned for you. Also, do not pursue religious life because you want to prove something to others. You have to let that go because otherwise it will cloud your ability to see where the Holy Spirit is guiding you.

I hope you can understand I am not trying to be overly negative or critical, I am genuinely just trying to help. You are in my prayers.

Edit: LilyM is right, you might benefit from reading the stories of the saints. There are many saints who lead sinful lives before their conversion to Christ. Saint Francis founded a religious order that perseveres even today, yet he once led a life of sin. Saint Augustine also led a life of sin before his conversion.

You are totally right and made some really good points! Thank you ^^

 

[lauraabarlow]

Excellent point!
May I add another good example-St Paul-he was involved with persecuting the early Christians-in fact-he was involved with the execution of St Stephen. Yet-God in His love and mercy still used him for His greatest purpose. St Paul went from a murderer to one of the greatest Christians that ever lived (after his conversion). Sexual sins are bad, murdering (in my opinion) is more graver. Just remember God’s mercy in the sacrament of confession. Please also seek out a spitual advisor, if possible. God may very well be calling you to religious life-I am sure that you have so much to offer-please don’t let your past sins (we are all sinners and (name removed by moderator)erfect human beings afterall) keep you from serving God, whatever your vocation ma:harp:y be.

Have you ever read the story of St Augustine? He led, for decades, a life of grave sexual sin, added to the sin of heresy, yet God chose him, unworthy as he was, to be a priest and bishop. And he was one of the greatest.

Think about what that means - a priest is an alter Christus, the mouth and hands through which Our Lord speaks and acts, confecting the sacraments, entrusted with the highest possible authority by God, that of guiding and saving souls. A bishop - the same but even more so. Positions that demand the utmost integrity and holiness, at least as much so as being a nun.

And yet God entrusted these high responsibilities and great honours to St Augustine, who more than most had sinned against Him. His graces and mercy are truly greater than any sin. Many a boyfriend and husband has forgiven - repeatedly - an erring girlfriend or wife, and God loves far more than thay could. In fact read the book of Hosea, where this exact imagery - the prophet’s loving relationship with his own repeatedly unfaithful wife - is used to demonstrate God’s constant wish for the erring soul to come back to Him rather than stay away from fear.

So do not be tempted to despair of your vocation, but start discerning in earnest.

 

[Christine85]

Hello , its good that you posted this thread so you can be set straight (sorry to be so blunt). As previous posters have said, think of people like St Augustine and Paul, they were very much against Christ for some time, but Christ called them and they converted and changed their hearts. Its kind of cool in a way that we can see that even the people who we think would never be a Saint, Nun, Priest, Religious, Christian etc, can be converted. That is the power of Gods love and forgiveness. He never stops giving people chances. Its amazing when you see great stories of conversion because its shows Gods power and helps us to feel like we can be chosen.

I think you need to go to Confession if you havn’t, talk to a Priest for a reasonable amount of time about this, and forgive yourself. Maybe even consider reading the Confessions of St Augustine. You know, I am not sure if you know this, but did you know that every single person that has and will ever exist on this planet has a calling to be a Saint. YEP!!! That’s right. And its up to you if you want to say yes to that calling and be willing to follow Gods will where ever it may take you.

My opinion is , also St Therese said this too, that if you have a desire in your heart and it seems good, (usually you would know if it is a good thing , eg: desire to be a nun would not come from satan) then that desire is likely to be Gods will for you. God does not place good desires in our hearts if he does not want us to follow them.

I pray that you can forgive yourself and gain a sense of peace and clarity.
God bless you +++