Lost and Confused

[Snowflake1120]

Hello, there. I’m new to C.A.F. so pardon me if I put on the wrong impression with my topic. I have been seeing a very incredible guy for the past four months. I am in the belief that you should not date anyone unless you have the intention to marry them or the belief that marriage would be a possibility between you and that person. We have discussed marriage and having a family together, and I am sure that God is pointing us towards each other. I know and understand the church’s p.o.v. on extra-marital relations, and firmly intend on waiting until we are married. My problem arises from a conversation we had the other day. When he was a young child, my boyfriend was molested. From that, he contracted the STD HPV. Because there is no HPV test for men at this time, it is impossible to tell which strain of the virus he is carrying. Because we do not know what strain of the virus he has, it is unknown if I will contract the virus as well. HPV is passed from skin-to-skin contact between two individuals, so once we are married, the chances that I will contract it as well are very high. Something also that is lesser known is that there is a chance that, once I have contracted it, our child can be born with the virus.
We both know the church’s point of view on using condoms and other forms of birth control, but what about in special cases such as to prevent one party from contracting an STD? I want to do what is right in the eyes of God, but I also want to do whatever I can to protect myself and my future child(ren). Help me!

 

[Trishie]

This is incredibly sad and unfair…

You must know that you will end up with the virus if it’s communicable. Even if you could use condoms etc, in a lifetime of marriage there would be an accident sooner or later. I think you really need to face whether you really can live with the fact that sooner or later you will have the virus, if it’s communicable, and how you intend to manage to deal with having it. To have a family, how could you and the child or children escape contracting it as you couldn’t conceive unless you did not use protection anyway?

The person who abused your boyfriend has done the greatest injustice to him, to you, and to any children you might have. Even if you escape the virus, you are stuck with the fear.

I pray for you both, for help and resolution.

 

[Trishie]

…Aids infirmation service. Catholic Social Services Martin Rhonheimer writes
"There is no official magisterial teaching either about condoms, or about anti-ovulatory pills or diaphragms. Condoms cannot be intrinsically evil, only human acts; condoms are not human acts, but things. What the Catholic Church has clearly taught to be “intrinsically evil” is a specific kind of human act, defined by Paul VI in his encyclical Humanae Vitae, and later included in No. 2370 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, as an “action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible”.

Contraception, as a specific kind of human act, includes two elements: the will to engage in sexual acts and the intention of rendering procreation impossible. A contraceptive act therefore embodies a contraceptive choice. As I put it in an article in the Linacre Quarterly in 1989, “a contraceptive choice is the choice of an act that prevents freely consented performances of sexual intercourse, which are foreseen to have procreative consequences, from having these consequences, and which is a choice made just for this reason.”
This is why contraception, regarded as a human act qualified as “intrinsically evil” or disordered, is not determined by what is happening on the physical level; it makes no difference whether one prevents sexual intercourse from being fertile by taking the Pill or by interrupting it in an onanistic way. The above definition also disregards the differentiation between “doing” and “refraining from doing”, because coitus interruptus is a kind of – at least partial – refraining."
…

“The teaching of the Church is not about condoms or similar physical or chemical devices, but about marital love and the essentially marital meaning of human sexuality. It affirms that, if married people have a serious reason not to have children, they should modify their sexual behaviour by – at least periodic – abstinence from sexual acts. To avoid destroying both the unitive and the procreative meaning of sexual acts and therefore the fullness of mutual self-giving, they must not prevent the sexual act from being fertile while carrying on having sex.”

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Have you looked into the vaccine for HPV? It protects against 70 percent of the strains out there.

As an adult (I don’t think 12 year old girls can really give informed consent) would you be willing to look into that for a 70 percent protection?

The bigger issue here is whether he has had the proper counselling for this tragedy and whether or not it would have implications for his relationship with you. While you cannot hold his childhood victimization against you, you must be on the lookout for the implications it has for you now that he is an adult. Has he sought help to overcome his “issues” about this? Is there someone you can talk to to be sure you are informed about what his past may imply for your possible future with him?

Talk to a doctor about the HPV issue. Look into Gardasil. See if it might be for you. And pray very hard about this.

I guess I’m naive about this. How does he know he has HPV if there are no tests for men?

At least he is being honest with you. Are you SURE there is no way to test him to see what strain he has and if the new vaccine for women doesnt’ combat that?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Trishie brings up a very good point.

I would ask a good holy priest whether it would be sinful to use condoms to protect you from disease if you refrained from intercourse during fertile times. If the intention was to prevent disease, what does the Church teach about using condoms during infertile times when the intent isn’t to stop fertility but to stop the spread of an STD?

That might call into question your ability to have children with this man. Are you willing to give that up so as not to have children who may have HPV?

 

[monicatholic]

Are you willing to give that up so as not to have children who may have HPV?

openness to children at the time of vows is a condition of valid marriage.

 

[wintergreen]

Snowflake,
My understanding is that the HPV virus is usually cleared within 12 months for the majority of people who contract the virus although there are no guarentees. You can find some information on this here:

hpvsupport.com/viewtopic.php?t=5261

Also, if the unlikely should happen and you were to contract the virus it is manageable. Not ideal but manageable. I would consider talking with a medical professional, preferably a specialist, about these things prior to making any major decisions. Also, while I disagree with forcing the vaccine on young girls it could provide an extra level of protection and a little more peace of mind in this circumstance.

Another thought to consider is that condoms do not provide guaranteed protection against HPV or other STDs, contrary to popular opinion.

I’ll be praying for you.

God Bless,
wg

 

[Snowflake1120]

I have looked into the vaccine, but money is tight at the moment, and those around me (my family in particular) are under the belief that taking such a vaccination would be opening a door to sin. I have spoken with them many times about this, but I can’t explain my situation because my boyfriend hasn’t told anyone but me about his tragic incident.
He has not had any prior counseling for it because, after spending 11 or 12 years trying to permanently block the incident from his mind, he can’t even remember the man who was at fault. I haven’t talked to anyone about the possible future results, but I haven’t noticed anything over the course of time that we’ve been dating that would imply severe psychological damage because he has really worked hard to make his life as “normal” as possible.
Also, the reason that he is 100% sure that he is carrying HPV is the presence of visible genital warts, which are caused exclusively by the HPV virus. He hasn’t even bothered being seen by a doctor because of the lack of tests for men. He is scheduling an appointment soon, per request of me, to try and see if they can nail down what strain of the virus it is, but for the time being we have no idea.

Have you looked into the vaccine for HPV? It protects against 70 percent of the strains out there.

The bigger issue here is whether he has had the proper counselling for this tragedy and whether or not it would have implications for his relationship with you. While you cannot hold his childhood victimization against you, you must be on the lookout for the implications it has for you now that he is an adult. Has he sought help to overcome his “issues” about this? Is there someone you can talk to to be sure you are informed about what his past may imply for your possible future with him?

I guess I’m naive about this. How does he know he has HPV if there are no tests for men?

At least he is being honest with you. Are you SURE there is no way to test him to see what strain he has and if the new vaccine for women doesnt’ combat that?

Yes, that is another thing I have looked into. It has been nearly 12 years since the tragic incident, and nothing has faded or cleared since.

Snowflake,
My understanding is that the HPV virus is usually cleared within 12 months for the majority of people who contract the virus although there are no guarentees.
wg

Thank you all for your prayers and concerns! They are greatly appreciated. I am going to speak with my parish priest as soon as possible about the matter.

 

[Seatuck]

Encourage him to get to a doctor immediately for treatment. It’s hard to believe he has suffered with this disease and not gotten treatment. You both need to be informed of the risks involved here. There is a remote possibility that he has something that could be cured and isn’t an HPV at all. There are different characteristics to the types of HPV which are symptomatic such as the ones that cause warts. They can make an educated guess on which type he has based on that.

Abstinence is the only way to not transmit this disease. Condoms are not permitted in marriage event to prevent a transmission of disease because they damage the character and meaning of the marital act. Being that there would be a lot of abstinence in this marriage what does that say about the possibility of children?

You are assuming that he is telling the truth about his experience. I’m not saying he isn’t since you should know better about his character than someone reading a post on the internet but I’d be wary at the same time. He should go for counseling whether he is exhibiting symptoms that you can discern or not.

Read all the documentation on Gardasil that is out there. I cannot recommend it to anyone based on many factors that don’t have anything to do with getting a license to sin. I’m sure the makers of the vaccine are not suggesting that a person willingly/knowingly have sex with a person who has HPV and that they will be protected. It’s more of an accidental exposure thing.

I’m glad you are making the effort to reason this through.Get informed. Be strong. Praying for you now.