Lost and don't know what to do

[CB_Catholic]

I finally gathered enough nerve two days ago to tell my husband all the things that have been dperessing me and causing me to want to separate, including the lack of intimacy in our M ( now over 23 years and counting). I poured my heart out hoping for some kind of caring and sympathetic response.

All he did was get very quiet. He left the room and spent the rest of the evening alone by himself. He also flaty refused (again) marriage counselling.

Now it’s a couople of days later and he’s acting like nothing is wrong.

I can’t live like this, even for the sake of his multiple sclerosis. One person alone can’t carry a marriage or make things better. He just wants status quo – a housekeeper and cook.

I need and want love and intimacy.

So what dio I do now? I’m thinking of separating in a few months.

Dermot2,
I am not surprised that your husband reacted the way he did, and I can’t imagine the pain you are in because of it. Your husband is in denial, for one thing, and, (please don’t take this the wrong way, I mean no harm) but your previous pattern of leaving and coming back a couple of times, has probably reinforced the idea in him that you don’t mean what you say, and he probably figures that if you leave, you will return. He probably does not believe you.
So you told him all this, and now you say you are “thinking” of
separating in a few months. You still don’t seem too sure of yourself, and he probably has picked up on this. He also has probably picked up on your guilt feelings.
So you need to make a decision. A firm one. You need to get off this merry-go-round ASAP. Either stay, and resign yourself to the idea that this is the way things are and go from there, or leave-permanently. Don’t be afraid (and I think that is what is behind a lot of your indecision) to make a decision. If you decide to stay, don’t think of yourself as a martyr or victim, because the choice is up to you, and you will have to adjust your thinking. If you leave, allow yourself time to grieve and then get on with your life–you may need some counseling, though, to help you adjust. But the way you are living now is an impossible situation, and will seriously affect your mental, physical, and spiritual health.
My prayers are with you.

 

[David_Poem]

I am a woman married for 36 years. We’re both Catholic. From the beginning of my marriage I felt I’d made a mistake and my intuition quickly proved correct. My husband went from sweet and charming to controlling, verbally and occasionally physically abusive. I tried to leave him after five years but returned because I felt it was the right thing to do. But he never really changed., Nor was he ever open to children – he wanted me on birth control and when I refused our sex life deteriorated. After ten years of marriage he no longer wanted to sleep with me and we have been celibate for the past 25. In 2003 my H was dx with MS, but at the same time, due to family issues, he escalated his abuse of me and I had to call 911, fearing for my physical safety. I left him again for six months in 2005.

I had no intentions of returning, but my H went to anger management classes and begged me to give him another chance. I also felt guily because of his MS, which has limited his mobility, altough he still walks with a cane, can work and takes care of his own personal needs. I was so depressed and fearful of a divorce and possibly being alone the rest of my life that against my better judgement, I returned.

Now two years later, I realize the toll my marriage has taken on my life. No children, no happy memories and no sex, which I always enjoyed. I am his roommate, plain and simple and feel no great love, only compassion because of his MS.

I would like to leave and start over, even at my advanced age of 56, but feel guilty because my H has a progressive disease. Do I have the right to leave and seek some happiness? I have only ever felt sadness being married to my H, even though he has changed his ways and stopped the abuse, my feelings for him have been destroyed. And if it things could be fixed, which I doubt, he refuses marriage counselling.

I’ve had some priests tell me my marriage isn’t valid and could be annulled, but still I feel agony about leaving him. It will truly devastate him to be alone at his age with MS. But I can not tolerate the depression and lonliness any longer without becoming ill myself.

Please help me.

Iam sorry about all your years of suffering.You need to get off the pity pot and take some action in your life.pray 4 your H,pray 4 yourself daily .If you want to stay stay.Fine a house keeper to take care of him.If you want a life get one .The spirtual principle you need is acceptance.we dont aways know what Gods will is all we have are spirtual principles.I cant help you,God can ,if you let him.

 

[duskyjewel]

dermot, you are worried about who will take care of him, but he is not! He knows his situation as well as you do, yet he is still actively throwing away, with both hands, the only person who seems to care or want to help him.

I think you have tried as hard as you can…

If you decide to leave, do it for good. If you decide to stay, do it, but from here on out, no recriminations or complaints. If you choose him, you choose him as is. If you cannot do that, then it’s better for both of you if you leave for good.

I am sorry…