Lost my girlfriend....forever?

[sadscha0s]

Personally, I do wish to ask your help. I was in a relationship with a girl who currently goes to the University of Illinois. We met in September of last year, and started to date in March. I visited her in Spain while she studied abroad and she has come home and met my family. While we were in Spain, we had sex. It was her first time, and I am ashamed to say that it was not my first time. We continued dating throughout the summer, visiting each others homes, her in Rockford, my apartment in St. Louis, her apartment at school and we continued to experiment sexually. I took her home and introduced her to my entire family in Delaware. I really felt as if I could have married this girl.

After we had been together for six months, things started to go wrong. She had a very strong Christian Background (fundamentalist i believe. she calls herself non denominational Christian) with her family, and me not so much. I’m a Catholic, but I was only practicing durring Christmas and Easter. I looked to her as a chance to renew my beliefs (i had almost none), but it never happened. We continued to live our lives in sin and not to reform ourselves until it was too much to bear.

The weekend of the 28th of September she had quite a bit to drink and voiced her opinions on our sexual indescresion and my failure to improve my relationship with God. I realized then that I was failing her as a partner. I tried to reform myself by reading scripture and working on my own, but it would prove to be futile. The next weekend she went on a religious retreat with Campus Crusade for Christ. After that weekend she said we needed to break up and left me so that she could improve her relationship with God. I understand that we in our sin had caused extreme hurt to our relationships with God, but it also revitalized my efforts. I have been praying daily as well as reading books of the new testament. I have listend to a Worshop cd every day on my way to and from work, I have attended two of your services, have tried to find student Bible studies in the St. Louis area and I feel like it is working. I feel like God is entering into my life and helping me on my way.

Last weekend I came forward and asked that a memeber would help me surrender myself to God. I felt that when I left I had. I feel like I am living a new life however, many of my prayers involve my x-girlfriend. I want to show her that I am no longer the man of sin that she said she could not longer date, that I am truely trying to better myself and those around me, but my words seem to fall on deaf ears. I have two letters that we wrote back and forth, mostly arguing about how I needed to be more religious that could help you grasp the situation more should you need them to get a balanced opinion. These letters were after her retreat but before I felt revitalized by the Spirit. I have wanted to pursue a spiritual relationship with God and a relationship of love with her. I am more then ready to give up sex as part of our relationship. I have told her that it would never happen again (until marriage should we stay together), as long as we trusted God to help us. She told me that maybe there is hope for us in the future but not right now. This happend from Sunday until Wedsnesday. On Thursday night I took off work Friday to drive to CU to see if I could sort things out in person. She was happy to talk to me. We walked around Urbana for 2 hours talking about what had happened and I told her she was right. We had been living in sin and needed to change our lives. I told her that a break may be a good idea for us to find God and include him in our lives so that we can have a pure relationship. I felt I did find God in the week to follow. After deciding to get some food we ended up walking back to her apartment and I was planning on leaving to my friends who live in town. Once we neared her apartment she did not want me to go. We sat in a garden and enjoyed what were supposed to be the last moments we would have together for a while. We then started kissing. She then brought me back to her apartment for one more night of cuddling. I had told her I would not have sex with her. After we kissed a little more, she escalated things and was begging me for sex. I tried my best to resist her, saying no 4 or 5 times. Then she said, we won’t be able to have sex after this until we get married it is your last time for a long time and I gave into the pleasures of the flesh. The next day I told her that we should not have had sex but we could have a realtionship without sex, but she just wanted me to go and that we were broken up. She told me we never should have had sex the night before, and I agreed. We really shouldn’t have but the entire night was spent as if we were a happy couple, and in our past history that ususally led to sex. I was weak when I needed to be strong but I had not felt the Spirit inside of me until that following Sunday. I curse myself for not going to Church the week before, and for not being able to stand up for what I believed in when she was begging me for sex.

 

[sadscha0s]

I am at a complete loss. I did not speak with her for a week at her request, and on the friday 1 week after we last spoke, I purchased her a flower arrangement. She liked the flowers and we spoke for an hour that night (she called me). She told me that she was curious to see if there were actually any changes in my lifestyle, to see if I actually had tried to surrender myself to God and wanted to know the next time i would be in CU. On that sunday I hand delivered another set of flowers to her apartment (she wasn’t home so i left them there for her to find) along with a CD of songs I sang (covers only) and a few sketches. We spoke that night for another hour (she called me after i left her a voicemail). Our conversation was nothing but pleasant, only touching on major issues, but this time she expressed sadness at not knowing when she could talk to me again. She also wanted to know the next time I would be in CU.

This story is long and I feel that my desire to renew this realtionship may be false but I have several questions about it.

Do you think that I am only renewing my relationship with God so that she will take me back? This is one of her concerns and I don’t think its true but I am uncertain

Do you think that she needs more time to see the change in me?

Do you think that perhaps because of our previous sins, there cannot be a pure relationship centered on God?

Do you think that I should move on? She has expressed how I cannot be the man of God she desires but I still see love and desire in her when I speak with her.

Should I just step back and let God run His course? This option scares me the most. It may be that she and I are not meant to be together and I do not know what to think of that.

I have meditated on these issues and asked God’s guidence. At first I felt God told me to shout out my newfound love and spirit, so I told her. I felt that God blessed the gift of flowers that I gave her along with the cd I made her last weekend. But now when I pray to God for guidence on what to do I get no response. The only response i get seems to come from advice of friends that weasles into my thoughts when I pray. It says to leave her alone and she will come around. I have had several dreams durring the course of the breakup and these dreams were realized while I was dreaming them. I have dreamt that she has missed me, and when I’ve talked to her I found out she missed me at the exact time while I was dreaming. I have dreamed that she wanted to rebuild our relationship and that night she unblocked my facebook, texted me, and messaged me.(i defriended her so that I would not stalk her and she blocked me because i defriended her). These dreams can only have come from God, how else could I have known what was occuring 200 miles away while I was asleep.

If God has meant our relationship to be it will happen. This past weekend I put my trust in the Lord to do what is best. The message addressed this. I realized that whatever my plans were, they most likely were just for personal gain and I stopped trying to think of ways to try and get her back. I stopped trying to think of things to say that might bring her back into my life. James 4:14 seemed to speak to me on this: How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog- it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is " if the lord wants us to we will live and do this or that" Otherwise you are boasting of your own plans, and such boasting is evil. Remember it is a sin to know what you ought to do and not do it.

I do not know what I ought to do. My past dealing swith relationships present a manipulative aspect to ignoring her, almost as if fighting over who has control. I do not want to manipulate her into staying with me as our relationship will be founded upon lies. But I also feel this is what I ought to do. My prayers that provided guidence now leave a blank, and I am confused. I feel as if the letters in question are almost a necessity for you to understand why I am so confused.
I am in need of guidence. I’ve turned to my family, her family, my friends, room mates coworkers, but none of them seem to be able to understand the religious implications of this entire escapade. I am looking for the opinion from those who know God, who know His Love, and spread His Word.

I should look to God for more guidence but the only thought I have now is that He has lead me as far as He can. He will not interfere with my life nor hers because then He would breach His greatest gift of free will.

 

[perez639]

Do you think that I am only renewing my relationship with God so that she will take me back? This is one of her concerns and I don’t think its true but I am uncertain

I think that its a huge step when we as Catholics can admit our weaknesses and faults. Only then, can we begin to work on them. From the sounds of it you are eager to develop a strong relationship with the Lord. Be an example for her. Someone she can trust. Someone who is willing to live a life of faith must first do so through his actions.

Do you think that she needs more time to see the change in me?

You both care deeply about one another from what I can tell. That is wonderful. If I read correctly she is not Catholic? I am going to assume that you are. Correct me if I am wrong, but start with confession. Go as frequently as you can. Again, show her that you sincerely care about her and want to do things the right way. Its never too late to change.

Do you think that perhaps because of our previous sins, there cannot be a pure relationship centered on God?

There can be a pure relationship. Its just a matter of having the strength to make it happen. Avoid any near occasion of sin. Perhaps, make her and your place off limits completely. Plan outings. Get to know each other again without being intimate. This means sooo much to girls.

Do you think that I should move on? She has expressed how I cannot be the man of God she desires but I still see love and desire in her when I speak with her.

She is afraid. She was a virgin before you. Huge for a girl once its gone. Show her that you can be there for her even if you all are not intimate. Do not be too forward with sending her things. That might scare her away more at this point.

Should I just step back and let God run His course? This option scares me the most. It may be that she and I are not meant to be together and I do not know what to think of that.

Continue working on youself for now. Time will tell. Everything is still so fresh and recent. That makes it hard to discern. Trust me, I have been there. Pray daily. I think its too soon to tell if you are not meant for one another. Especially considering how willing you are to work on your weaknesses. I wonder though, is she just as willing? Or has she become very distant?

Hope this helps,

Peace be with you.

 

[Jacob21]

PRAY!!! PRAY, PRAY! Ive just been through, and am still going through relationship problems. At first I really didnt turn to God, because I was too focused on the pain and emptiness. Now I am always praying. I know God will give me guidance, He is always with you. Never forget that!

Yes, it is still possible to have a pure relationship. Pray for the strength to do so!

Should I just step back and let God run His course? This option scares me the most. It may be that she and I are not meant to be together and I do not know what to think of that.

Yes, God will guide you. I know it can be a frightening thought to be out of control, but He will always provide for you whats for the greater benefit of your soul. Trust in Him! Pray to Saint Faustina, the Secretary of His Divine Mercy. Also, I suggest reading her diary, “Divine Mercy in My Soul- Diary of Saint Faustina.” Trust in Jesus, He knows whats best for you. Its hard to accept, but it is honestly the best thing you can do right now. Just keep saying Jesus I Trust In You!
Im praying for you, God Bless!
Jacob

 

[lenni]

hey

well just from my perspective…i think it is important that you guys have a break… I mean, i get that you are trying to renew a relationship with God and this girl. But rite now - i think you need more guidance from God. It will hurt deeply by stepping away from your relationship with this girl but she is the temptation in this case. It inevitably will make you alot more self controlled in the area of purity. PLUS, you will also be helping this girl, although you may not see the result of your actions straight away. (im soz to tell you, that you guys are not married and she is not your wife. your affections do not belong to her. Even if you do see her as your potential spouse)

I think a good way to start a life of purity is through mortification and sacrifice. not just in stepping away from your girl but also through little things in life, like for eg - skipping desert, not listening to music etc. Inevitably, this will make you stronger in the area of self control. Also i agree with frequently going to confession and talking to the priest. also prayer!!! and mass…

Also Jason Evert in his book, Pure Manhood states as 1 pt in the 10 pt game plan - to ’ Do something.’ -’ ‘flee idleness,’ st robert bellarmine warned, ‘for no one is more exposed to such temptations tat he who has nothing to do.’ It is important that we keep busy and not get bored and feel sorry for ourselves. Practise a sport, go out with friends, serve the church. Do something. As Francis of Assisi sed, ’ Always be doing something worthwhile, then the devil will always find you busy.’’

also - i know it is going to be really hard to step away from her. but i would first limit the amount of time you talk to her on the phone. i think a max of 10-15mins is important.

here are a few useful links from Jason Everts site that i hope will encourage you with what to do -

My girlfriend and I talked about our boundaries, but we often mess up and go too far. I feel bad about it, but it keeps happening. Any suggestions?
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=13

If you’re on a date and things are going too far, how do you stop suddenly and tell him “no”?
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=62

Sometimes when I’m with a girl, I know we should cool off, but it seems impossible. I honestly don’t know how to do it. Any tips?
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=19

My boyfriend and I are trying to be pure, and we even pray together. Is it wrong for us to discuss our temptations?
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=340

then when it is time. you will know to pursue a relationship through purity whether it be with this girl or another women.

i hope that helps!

• Lenni

 

[jmcrae]

I would highly recommend that you go to Confession to confess your own part in losing your faith and also everything on your part with regard to the state of your relationship with this girl, including but not limited to the sex.

One problem I foresee is that, when you get back your Catholic faith and Catholic zeal, she might break up with you again, since Catholicism, and her brand of fundamentalism are not very compatible religions - and she would have to convert to Catholicism (or at least agree to raise your children in the Catholic faith) for you to marry her, in any case.

 

[sadscha0s]

perez639:
No she is not Catholic. She is an “evangelical Christian”

I think its too soon to tell if you are not meant for one another. Especially considering how willing you are to work on your weaknesses. I wonder though, is she just as willing? Or has she become very distant?

She has been willing to renew her relationship with God, but towards our relationship I do not think she is as willing to change. I have confronted her about how I have tried to renew my faith but she still seems reluctant to try to date again. I would say she has become distant, but when we have talked, we talk as though nothing has happened.

She said that she needed time to find God, but she needed it separate from me. I don’t know if we will be able to get together the longer we are apart. I didn’t mention that I live in St. Louis and her in Champaign, IL. I am unsure if she actually needs this time to herself or if she is just using my previous lack of faith as an excuse to break it off for some other purpose.

Jacob21:
I have prayed and I keep praying. I have been to confession. I still do not feel right accepting the Eucharist at this point in time. As I said before, when I prayed I felt like God showed me what to do, but when I pray now I do not get a strong feeling of guidence that I had before.

lenni:
I understand the importance of a break, and section of your post about saying no to tempation can easily be incorporated. I gave in because we did not have a mutual agreement. I was too weak to just say I did not want to on my own. I almost held out, but I had not made up my mind not to have sex with her at that point in time. Should the same event happen again I will be as solid as a rock.

I feel that her version of self control is to remove me from her life. For her it seems like it is easier to break up with me then to stay with me and deny the sex that was a large part of her relationship. I have tried to express this to her but it never comes across in the right terms. Maybe the increase in attention without intimacy as was suggested would improve this.

jmcrae:
I think that was part of the problem too. She knew that my renewal in faith would eventually turn me back to my Catholic roots and I do not think she wanted that. I’m under the strong impression that she did not want me to renew my relationship with God, but rather adopt her religious point of view.

The priest has advised me that this girl is not good for me. I could not present him with as many details as I have this forum, but his advice was good, but I do not know if he is right. Like lenni, he sees her as a temptress, but it was I who started off tempting her, I formed her into the temptress.

One final thought:
Yesterday I had what appeared to me to be a revelation. She ended things with her last serious boyfriend after attending the same religious retreat that ended our relationship. I think that this retreat makes her realize that she needs God’s love in her life. It makes her realize that she has been “worshoping her man” (her words describing her relations with her x). I do not want her worshop, I only seek her companionship. I think she is looking for God’s love to come from a man, but no man can provide that love. No man on earth can give her the love that God gives, but I feel she is searching for a man that can. I can only give her the love of man and I do not know how to show her that God’s love and my love are seperate.

I have not told her this and I am unsure as to if I should bring it up or not. It will either hit one out of the ballpark, or she will completely block me out.

 

[PaulinVA]

sadscha0s, right now, you two are not good for each other.

If the weak one at the time keeps making the strong one fail, you two will never make any progress.

Let things cool off. Have a friendship. Email works.

Fight the intense feelings a sexual relationship creates and just live your own lives for a while.

 

[perez639]

but towards our relationship I do not think she is as willing to change.

ok, now that I read this… this is not good.

jmcrae:
I think that was part of the problem too. She knew that my renewal in faith would eventually turn me back to my Catholic roots and I do not think she wanted that. I’m under the strong impression that she did not want me to renew my relationship with God, but rather adopt her religious point of view.

Stay close to the Lord. Dont let go of your faith for a significant other. I almost did, but by the grace of God didnt.

One final thought:

I think she is looking for God’s love to come from a man, but no man can provide that love. No man on earth can give her the love that God gives, but I feel she is searching for a man that can. I can only give her the love of man and I do not know how to show her that God’s love and my love are seperate.

I have not told her this and I am unsure as to if I should bring it up or not. It will either hit one out of the ballpark, or she will completely block me out.

Maybe she needs some counseling because from what I can tell her view and actions while in a relationship are extremely unhealthy. Its not your job to train her way of thinking. That has to come from her. It could take years and for some, a lifetime. If you can’t tell her things because you think that she may react in such a way for the sake of your soul stay away.

Also, you dont know what’s in store for you. Perhaps this trial of yours is preparing you for something greater. To learn the virtue of self-control. It is very admirable to find in guys these days because it unfortunately is becoming so rare. Your future wife is out there some where and when the time is right you will find one another.

Peace!