Lost

[28562]

So my first appointment with our parish deacon was yesterday afternoon. It was nice to talk to someone that could help analyze the situation. I told him exactly what I thought was going on and he told me what the real problems were. He said that I was putting too much blame on myself for what was going on and he was almost certain it wasn’t my fault. I understand what he had to say, but that gives me less hope for this getting fixed, because now the responsibility of fixing things lies on my wife.
He told me it was not going to be helpful to suppress my physical feelings and desires while we tried to fix things like I am doing and that I needed to make it clear and be honest when I was interested in trying to be intimate. If I just went along with things until some magical date in the future when “all is well”, then I was enabling her avoidance behavior and validating her opposition to intimacy. He told me that basically, I am married to a 7 yr old when it comes to mental sexual maturity (it’s dirty, she only wants it if we “have to” ie making a baby, etc). As harsh as that sounds, I know he is right. Until she gets counseling (good luck) I’m screwed. (well, apparently, I’m not screwed…)
So last night, I went home and we sat together on the couch like normal and talked a little. I said to her “Whaddaya say we spend a few minutes tonight starting to learn how to make love the right way?” You know what she did??? She covered her face with the blanket and immediately started her shutdown process. I did an outstanding job of being patient, even though I was boiling inside at her response. We ended up talking a little bit, and then went to bed shortly after. I held her lovingly and she cried a little as we went to sleep. I tried to talk to her about why she was so upset and she told me she just didn’t want to talk about it. Great.
I’m sick of this.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So my first appointment with our parish deacon was yesterday afternoon. It was nice to talk to someone that could help analyze the situation. I told him exactly what I thought was going on and he told me what the real problems were. He said that I was putting too much blame on myself for what was going on and he was almost certain it wasn’t my fault. I understand what he had to say, but that gives me less hope for this getting fixed, because now the responsibility of fixing things lies on my wife.
He told me it was not going to be helpful to suppress my physical feelings and desires while we tried to fix things like I am doing and that I needed to make it clear and be honest when I was interested in trying to be intimate. If I just went along with things until some magical date in the future when “all is well”, then I was enabling her avoidance behavior and validating her opposition to intimacy. He told me that basically, I am married to a 7 yr old when it comes to mental sexual maturity (it’s dirty, she only wants it if we “have to” ie making a baby, etc). As harsh as that sounds, I know he is right. Until she gets counseling (good luck) I’m screwed. (well, apparently, I’m not screwed…)
So last night, I went home and we sat together on the couch like normal and talked a little. I said to her “Whaddaya say we spend a few minutes tonight starting to learn how to make love the right way?” You know what she did??? She covered her face with the blanket and immediately started her shutdown process. I did an outstanding job of being patient, even though I was boiling inside at her response. We ended up talking a little bit, and then went to bed shortly after. I held her lovingly and she cried a little as we went to sleep. I tried to talk to her about why she was so upset and she told me she just didn’t want to talk about it. Great.
I’m sick of this.

That is so immature of her. Really? Covering her face with a blanket? your deacon would appear to be right about your situation.

But I wonder about childhood sexual abuse and/or an abortion. They are not exclusive and in fact, many abuse victims become promiscuous and many have abortions. That could be why she is so resistant to counseling…

But she is married now, and a mother. She needs to “butch up” and start looking at her wounds if she wants to be happy and happily married. And her hangups will become her children’s hangups if she’s not aware of those tendencies. That’s what therapy is for.

I will keep you in my prayers. It must be frustrating to be married to someone who is behaving like a child.

 

[Schieffelin]

I am curious…just how adamant have you been about her getting counseling? I know in general it can backfire to try to force the other person to cooperate, but at this point it kinda seems like you’ve got nothing to lose. Her refusal to make any effort at resolving this issue is what would bother me more than anything in this situation.

Anyway, good for you for opening up to the deacon. Please keep going to a counselor for yourself in the meantime.

 

[28562]

That is so immature of her. Really? Covering her face with a blanket? your deacon would appear to be right about your situation.

But I wonder about childhood sexual abuse and/or an abortion. They are not exclusive and in fact, many abuse victims become promiscuous and many have abortions. That could be why she is so resistant to counseling…

But she is married now, and a mother. She needs to “butch up” and start looking at her wounds if she wants to be happy and happily married. And her hangups will become her children’s hangups if she’s not aware of those tendencies. That’s what therapy is for.

I will keep you in my prayers. It must be frustrating to be married to someone who is behaving like a child.

Yep. A blanket. I was very angry inside, but I still respected her feelings about everything. Of course, that never gets me anywhere, so I don’t know what the point is.

I am certain that there is no abuse or abortion. Her sister was molested, but not her. I know for a fact that she has never been with anyone but me, and has always been strongly opposed to abortion. If there was a ‘slipsies’ when we dated, I would have known.

I will make sure my kids are educated better about sex so that they don’t have to suffer through this with their future spouses. Hopefully, we’ll get things straightened out so we can teach them together.

Thank you for the prayers. That’s the only hope I have at this point.

I am curious…just how adamant have you been about her getting counseling? I know in general it can backfire to try to force the other person to cooperate, but at this point it kinda seems like you’ve got nothing to lose. Her refusal to make any effort at resolving this issue is what would bother me more than anything in this situation.

Anyway, good for you for opening up to the deacon. Please keep going to a counselor for yourself in the meantime.

Not as adamant as I am going to be starting today. I have suggested it and respected her feelings about it, but it’s time for someone to respect my feelings. I am going to stop hiding the hurt so she can see the damage she is doing. I am now convinced that this is not my fault. Now, my actions in the past may not have helped any, but I sure wasn’t the start of this. I already have an appointment for next Friday afternoon with him. We’ll see what happens.

FYI, the deacon said it sounds like Inhibited Sexual Desire (ISD) and is directly related to her beliefs system about sex. He said the cause was probably being raised in a protestant (pentecostal at that!) home where sex is hidden and sinful, her sister being molested, and her dad’s issues with cheating and porn. This is what I suspected a long time ago, but then I started writing it all off as coming from hormones or my fault for not being caring enough.

nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001952.htm