Lost

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LongArm503

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My wife has me beyond confused, we don’t talk anymore at least not the way a couple should. I talk and she gets angry, I pray and she calls me a fanatic! She was born into being a catholic as was I but, I wasn’t baptised till I was an adult. I want to share my faith with my wife, to celebrate it! It’s what she professed to want as well when we were first married. Now, she becomes angry when I speak of anything related to our faith. She refuses to attend mass anymore and claims that she does not need to. I suggested that we talk to the Father at our local parish see a counselor of one type or another and she has refused…
So you see. I am quite lost in having any idea what to do, I don’t know that its possible to pray any harder. I am preparing to enter law enforcement as a career and I am finishing college at 30 + years old and I always thought I would have her support and companionship, I thought we would be as dedicated to God ( as a couple )as we were to each other…
Any ideas…? sctlnd4evr@aol.com
 
My heart goes out to you.

Have there been in major changes in her life, or your lived toghther recently? Birth of children, death of loved one, career change?

These things can sever the lines of communication that were once strong by no fault of either spouse. I would start by examing any changes that may have led to a “shutting-off”.

Feel free to private message me if you would like to talk privately. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.

🙂 Lilder
(Oh, and BLESS you for going into law enforcement!)
 
Don’t abandon prayer…

I don’t know what to say when they don’t want to try to help the situation (you mentioned that she didn’t want to talk to the priest)

I am sure of one thing though… you probably need guidence from a more qualified source than this forum can provide… i certainly hope for the best for you and i wish you peace… 👍
 
Of course you should go to counseling, but sometimes the other spouse doesn’ t want that. I know that feeling. I too feel for you as I am in a similar situation, maybe not quite as bad because my spouse still attends mass, but when at mass last Saturday he made the comment when he saw a section of the pews “reserved” that he hoped this mass wouldn’t be any longer than it already is. My prayers are with you. And thank God for all the words of encouragement from other forum users.:bowdown2:
 
Have you considered counseling for yourself? If she wont go, you still can. It may be helpful for you to talk to a priest or counselor about how her behaviors are making you feel or act, even if you can’t go together.

🙂 Lilder
 
Lost,

I think the best thing you can do at this point is to LIVE your faith. Abandon trying to “force” her into doing anything, believing anything or accompanying you on your journey to God. Her journey is her own. You can only support her through it and pray for her.

Be the best Catholic man you can be; espouse and live the ways of Christ. Be as Christlike in your dealings with her as you can be.

Remember that Jesus didn’t convert all of his disciples by nagging…he was such a pure and wonderful person that people were drawn to him. In addition, he deliberately went after the lowest of the lows…there is NEVER a lost cause.

Be a great person and Catholic and I believe that will be your best opportunity to win her over to your side. Be her husband in the fullest sense of the word, for better or worse, show her your love and support and it will be like an irresistable force–she will be drawn in to you as her husband and towards her faith.

Good luck!
 
I’ve been there, too. I was even told once that all I wanted to do was talk about God and pray. Anyway, feel free to drop me a line if you want to talk. I’ll pray for you.
 
  1. Pray. It took 12 years of praying by my wife and many others for me to come back into the Church. Seek the intervention of your patron saint. Ask for God’s help.
  2. Be a good example. Live your faith. Be kind, humble, charitable, loving, and forgiving, and require nothing in return. Don’t be “in your face” about it, like walking around praying the rosary in front of her. Pray in private, as Jesus instructed.
  3. Keep the lines of communication open. Talk of God and faith just shuts the door? You can’t talk to someone who has no ears, so don’t discuss it right now, just live it (see #2, above). Eventually, you can start to send out feelers. Maybe one day she’ll accompany you to Mass, or she may indicate that she’s ready to be open to talk about it.
  4. Seek strength in the Church. Attend Mass (even if she won’t). go to confession, receive the Eucharist worthily. Ask the Lord for help.
  5. Be considerate/understanding of her lack of faith. You have been blessed at this point of your life; she has not, or maybe she’s under the influence of something you can’t see or understand. But that doesn’t mean you have to be tolerant of bad behavior toward you or your faith - just be understanding and considerate - gentle, even - in your response to it.
  6. Work towards eliminating the things that drive you apart. Recognize the influence that other things have on your life and your relationship, both with her and with Christ. You may, for example, believe that going out to bars together might strengthen your relationship with her, but it may be driving her away by driving Christ out of your life. If the things you are doing as a couple take you away from Christ, then you need to reexamine that part of your life and realize its influence in other parts of your life.
  7. Talk to a priest. Don’t drag her - go there yourself. Ask for his prayers and for any advice he may have.
  8. Fast. Offer your suffering to God, that He might use it to strengthen your relationship.
There’s a lot more to this, of course. Greg Popcak, a Catholic psychologist, has a number of good books on the topic. He can be found here.

I wish you the best.
 
I am moved by the responses everyone has been very kind.

Yes we have had a major change, we lost our first baby as the pregnancy was ectopic (tubal) but it was a year ago and I had thought she was ok… I might be wrong.
She seems at peace with my choice of vocation one moment but the next is crying and angry going on about how dangerous it is and that I havent thought about my family… I am always thinking of them thats why I train very hard, I study even harder in college. and I commit to memory each of the lessons that come from the veteran police officers who teach at my college. Her reaction is puzzling as she has several family members in law enforcement…
God bless
Sean
 
When dh and I have a communication breakdown similar to what you are describing, eventually I arrange for a date. Perhaps over a nice dinner somewhere you could say something to her. Ask her why she’s so closed and angry. Then you have to clap your trap and really listen to her. You might not like what she has to say. But at least if she’d tell you that much, you would know what to pray for.

In the context of such a conversation, I think it’s appropriate to tell her that you’d like her to compromise and go to Mass with you once a month (or whatever) solely b/c it’s important to you. You could remind her that she’s expect the same courtesy.

Outside of that dinner conversation, I’d not say another word about it, at least not for a while. I thought Barrister’s coments were excellent, esp the fasting part. I’d add that you could put a miraculous medal under the mattress.

God bless you!
 
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Those things can have a very deep effect. Do you think she really grieved at the time it happened?

I mostly second what everyone else is saying. Keep praying and perhaps seek counseling on your own. It may help you to unload to an unbiased observer and then not get so stressed on a daily basis about the issues in your marriage. I’m sure the counselor could give you some coping strategies as you try to be a good witness of the faith.

As someone who lost a baby, I can relate to her subsequent fear of losing you too. That was my constant fear for quite a while after the loss. If my husband was even a bit late, I would start to panic.

There is hope though. Time is a great healer and as many can testify to here, God can touch even the most resistant hearts.

Hang in there,
Nicole
 
You might consider Fasting for your wife. I know at Catholicity there is an Group called E-5 men who fast for their wives, my husband does this for me and I for him. Men fast for their wives on the 1st Wed. of every month…bread and water… Wives go to Mass for their husband’s and and for all the members…it’s a nice thing…makes me feel very “special”…maybe that’s her problem? I think there are others on the Forum who belong to it as well. I’ll keep you in my prayers.🙂
 
I thought of one other thing after posting my first reply. I read a book once called “How to Change Your Husband.” [Answer: You don’t; you change yourself.] Although it is written for women, it does make one point that may be pertinent to your situation, and it is closely related to other posts here. It is:

Become your wife’s servant. Treat her like a queen. Think of Jesus humbling Himself to wash His apostles’ feet. Be really really unusually nice. Get her iced tea; help her w/ chores, etc.

I think that might help promote your cause. This has been done by many saints.
 
We had a great little book in formation called: “If only he knew.” Our class was made up entirely of married couples and found this little book for men to be very good. God bless you and your wife.

If only he knew-By Gary Smalley-Zondervan Publishing House-Grand Rapids, Michigan
 
I think that all of the advice is good, but that the Barrister’s might be the best. My wife is not a Christian (we married during a time when I had left the Church). When I initially came back to the faith, she worried that I was going to be telling her that she was going to hell and trying to force her to convert. As a result, any time I tried to discuss the faith, she didn’t want to.

After a while, I stopped trying to share my faith with her and simply lived it in a quiet way. She eventually came to me with questions and we now have free discussions about fath; but that took years. There is obviously some issue your wife is having related to faith and she clearly doesn’t want to discuss it, so don’t put any pressure on her but always live your faith and be willing to discuss things. Let your example, rather than your words, be the way you share your faith with her. If you need to talk about the faith with someone, find a friend or jump into one of these forums!
 
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