Love in a Serious Courting, near-Engagement Relationship

[pumpkinbeast]

I have been reading a lot lately about how married couples need to love each other selflessly, giving all of themselves to the other, becoming one-flesh, etc. I totally understand this, and see how it is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I am in a serious courting relationship with a wonderful, strong Catholic young man, and we definitely want to get married after I graduate, and we both feel that God is calling us to this state in life together. (I confess, my ticker is more of a count-down for that than the actual graduation ^^;; ) We have looked at all our options, and we really don’t think we can get married sooner than that. The final decision really rests with him, as he will be the provider. He will ‘pop the question’ when he has the means to provide for me and any kiddies that might come along. He also doesn’t want an engagement to be longer that about 6 months, which I understand.

I am struggling right now, because there is plenty of resources for how married couples should love each other. There are also plenty of warnings for us unmarried couples about how your relationship isn’t permanent yet, etc, so don’t get too attached, which I understand, but we would be married by now if we didn’t have school in the way. I really, really want to throw my entire self into loving him, and being the best wife and companion I can be, but I can’t. I want to dive into life’s challenges by his side, to share everything with him, joys and sorrows, but I can’t, really, only a very limited extent. I certainly can’t share my body with him, that much I know. We pray together almost every night… What is the best way to love him in our sort of relationship? We protect each other from sexual temptation and the like; we know it’s not loving to lead the other into sin, we encourage each other to be better Christians, but is there more we can do? We live in different cities, so I can’t cook for him or anything… I feel like I’m grabbing at straws, here. Am I just stuck until I can proclaim and act on marriage vows?

Any advice is appreciated. ^^

 

[lotusblossom]

I wouldn’t say you’re stuck - just in what seems like a never-ending limbo. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through because I met my husband when we were both at the end of our junior years of college. However, I’ve watched friends go through plenty of long-distance, long-term relationships that are beautiful and holy.

My advice is to pray for patience. While love in marriage is shown differently (and grows deeper), there is still plenty you can do to build it up while courting/engaged. Since you live in different cities, send him little notes telling him how much you appreciate him and why. Spend an hour in adoration, offering up your prayer for him and for you both. Focus on making sure you are growing too, since it’s much easier to grow closer to Christ when you don’t have a husband by your side, taking a lot of that time away.

I’m sure other people have better advice, but there’s my two cents . I will be praying for you and your boyfriend as you continue down this path . It’s not an easy road, but it’s definitely worth it!

 

[bunnynessuk]

I too have been in a serious relationship whilst still at uni - my h2b and I have been together since we were 16. We are planning to marry fairly soon - approx 14 months after graduation - we will be 22 and financially stable. It is awkward, we both love each other dearly and whilst I have only recently returned to the church he is a CofE and certainly not a practicing one. I find that we have gotten through this time its kind of like a limbo of by planning our future together we have worked through a christian ‘preparing for marriage’ book which has been great - helping us to look at our views on money, parenting, careers looking at our past, any tragedies, whats been great etc. This has ensured that we know we are making the right choices we know each other inside and out we know our dreams and aspirations and most importantly we know how we plan on running our house etc!

It is hard but you have these 3 years to ensure that you are right for each other, you can plan your future and you can get to know each other.

Good Luck!!!

God bless, J

 

[puzzleannie]

I I What is the best way to love him in our sort of relationship? We protect each other from sexual temptation and the like; we know it’s not loving to lead the other into sin, we encourage each other to be better Christians, but is there more we can do? We live in different cities, so I can’t cook for him or anything… I feel like I’m grabbing at straws, here. Am I just stuck until I can proclaim and act on marriage vows?

Any advice is appreciated. ^^

no you are not permitted any of the joys of marriage, including taking care of him etc. until you are married, odd isn’t it.

I don’t understand your decision because I don’t see the difficulties that you and your bf have obviously discerned so I can’t speak to your situation or decision. We did get married and start our family (immediately) during college, against all the dire advice and warnings from family, that was 40 some years and 4 kids ago. The years we were poor and struggling were grace filled, some of our happiest, and the foundation, I believe, for a strong marriage and family. But I simply cannot advise anyone else to do the same without knowing anything about you.

What is the best way to love him at this time, under this difficult burden of waiting? To wait in joyful hope.
To work on your own life, duties, spiritual growth, maturity while you wait.
To become well informed, well educated, especially in areas that are going to be essential–child rearing, the faith, NFP not too soon to start charting, you should be very familiar with your cycle for at least 6 months before the wedding, don’t neglect learning about nutrition, cooking, running a home efficiently, old fashioned but very critical.

To learn through the suffering of separation, waiting, and frustration to endure those inevitable times that will arise during the marriage when the same condition will pertain.

To use this time as a lenten period of spiritual growth.

To read and study the Theology of the Body, using one of the good beginner guides, something you can each be doing, to discuss when you are together.

To finish your education, get a start on a career, even though you may (or not) have to leave it during the child rearing years. To become financially stable on your own, clear up debt, do not incur any more, learn financial management and budgeting.

Try to become a strong, self-sufficient, Catholic woman, with good priorities so when you can give, you can give the best you can be.

this is a thought, since just this past week so many of our friends have been through similar waiting times–at the hospital while beloved spouse of 50-60 years is waiting for surgery, tests, treatment etc.
why not keep a journal of this time of waiting, and read it in 40-50 years when you are again waiting for the time when you can care for and be with your loved one.

 

[PhilotheaZ]

It sounds as though you are already on the right track. I wish more young people would see chastity and prayer as necessary parts of a dating relationship. So continue in your resolve, and use this opportunity to perfect the virtue of patience!

With regard to the following:

He also doesn’t want an engagement to be longer that about 6 months, which I understand.

Be aware that many (most?) parishes/dioceses these days require at least a year’s notice before a wedding, to allow adequate time for marriage preparation. You may want to check on your parish’s guidelines to avoid disappointment.

God bless both of you!

 

[Rach620]

I thought I’d reply, as someone in a similar situation.

I have known my future husband for 2 1/2 years, 2 of which we have been officially in a relationship. Just this past January, after much discernment and prayer, he proposed. We both felt the longing you’re expressing, for a life shared completely with another, and have known for quite a while that we would marry. We have been through some rough times together, learned a lot, and grown closer while preserving our chastity and deepening our faith lives both as individuals and as a couple. He’s simply my best friend and I can’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with him.

That said, yes, we did make the decision to get engaged, and I believe it was the right one for us. We both are 20, sophomores in college, and while our friends and family tell us they knew it was coming ‘some day,’ they couldn’t understand two people who are so young with that yearning to make a commitment to each other. But that’s what we know we are called to do.

Yes, the recommendation you’ll hear from most people, my parents included, is that the engagement should be as short as possible (usu 6 months to a year). I understand that, and the concern is that temptation will quickly enter into the picture if you are engaged for a long period of time. But as we embark on our 2 years of waiting and preparing for our wedding, we’ve found that our engagement has been a blessing.

The thing is, we felt, as I’m sure you do, that we were as engaged in our hearts as we would be if it were ‘official’ and I had a ring on my finger. It was almost our secret. We had to be coy around friends when talking about marriage and our futures; it wasn’t so easy to be frank with parents about our plans, etc. An official engagement allowed us to get that support from our friends and families that we so desperately need during this time of discernment… figuring out what the future holds for us, as a unit, rather than as individuals. It really changes the discussions I’m able to have with my parents, especially, about my career plans, when I’m able to realistically talk about what will be possible in marriage.

Anyways, I’m rambling. No, the graces and union of marriage are not for us yet–but as other posters have said, we can wait in hope for them and prepare ourselves to receive them even better over the next months and years. Every stage of life is in itself a vocation, I believe–right now, I am an engaged student, preparing myself for life after college, a life with a husband and the family God might (hopefully!) bless us with. Praying together is something I can’t recommend enough–there is such intimacy there, such vulnerability and closeness, that it really affects how you view the other person in other ways. Find a Christian community of friends who will support you in your discernment, and really just ‘forget’ about some of the wedding planning and such from time to time, just living in this stage God has called you to now. Finally, study the theology of the body! Read Christopher West! Educate yourself about the meaning of marriage, prepare yourself for best living family life in the future… talk about parenting, working, etc.

And take care of him as best you can No, we can’t live with one another, providing that intimacy of physical presence that we truly desire…but that is coming! Just enjoy the level of closeness you have now, the ways he can take care of you or you can take care of him. Silly small things that mean so much… good conversations on the phone, walking and talking about your days, life, the future when you’re together. Just enjoy life NOW… living in the future isn’t possible, nor is it rewarding!

Ok… long post… now I’m off to lunch! Hope it all made sense

 

[BioCatholic]

What can’t you share with him emotionally, besides sex? How can anyone think it is not appropriate for couples to share what they are REALLY thinking, and how they REALLY feel?

There’s also nothing that says you can’t travel together, provided you get an amazing deal and have separate hotel rooms, or cabins on a cruise ship. Cook dinner together, go to baseball/football games, go looking for houses (better start now, as no down-payment mortgages are a dying breed).

There seems to be alot of confusion as to being together as boyfriend/girlfriend, and being married. There is nothing you two can’t discuss together, as it would be completely idiotic not to REALLY get to know the person. As long as you don’t ACT or perform acts that are reserved for married couples, then traveling, spending time together, talking, ect.

I have yet to see a formal document that forbids non-married couples from taking vacations together. But not everyone has a cousin-in-law who works for AAA, and basically helps me rob hotels blind if i want.

 

[maria29]

I have been reading a lot lately about how married couples need to love each other selflessly, giving all of themselves to the other, becoming one-flesh, etc. I totally understand this, and see how it is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I am in a serious courting relationship with a wonderful, strong Catholic young man, and we definitely want to get married after I graduate, and we both feel that God is calling us to this state in life together. (I confess, my ticker is more of a count-down for that than the actual graduation ^^;; ) We have looked at all our options, and we really don’t think we can get married sooner than that. The final decision really rests with him, as he will be the provider. He will ‘pop the question’ when he has the means to provide for me and any kiddies that might come along. He also doesn’t want an engagement to be longer that about 6 months, which I understand.

I am struggling right now, because there is plenty of resources for how married couples should love each other. There are also plenty of warnings for us unmarried couples about how your relationship isn’t permanent yet, etc, so don’t get too attached, which I understand, but we would be married by now if we didn’t have school in the way. I really, really want to throw my entire self into loving him, and being the best wife and companion I can be, but I can’t. I want to dive into life’s challenges by his side, to share everything with him, joys and sorrows, but I can’t, really, only a very limited extent. I certainly can’t share my body with him, that much I know.

**I met my husband in the fall of 2000 when he was about to graduate from a masters program. I was a sophomore and still had 3 years left.

We didn’t get engaged until august of 2001 and then he was living in PA and i in Ohio. I cannot begin to imagine our relationship without being able to share my all of my self (i don’t mean in a sexual way)with the person i am going to spend the rest of my life with…

I had to know that i was marrying my best friend and if he couldn’t be there for me emotionally then it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t think you should be stuck at all. Are you meaning that you don’t feel that you should share certain aspects of your life, or what you are feeling with him in case he doesn’t propose? **
We pray together almost every night… What is the best way to love him in our sort of relationship? We protect each other from sexual temptation and the like; we know it’s not loving to lead the other into sin, we encourage each other to be better Christians, but is there more we can do? We live in different cities, so I can’t cook for him or anything… I feel like I’m grabbing at straws, here. Am I just stuck until I can proclaim and act on marriage vows?

Any advice is appreciated. ^^

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Thank you, Rach620!!! We discussed your post last night, and agreed with your points. We’re in the same boat… it is a bit awkward, knowing you want to get married, and will, God willing, but having to be careful how you talk about it with other people, parents especially… We decided a longer engagement wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all, so we can have plenty of official time to prepare and work towards marriage, plan the actual wedding, rather than trying to get it all to work around the same time I’m in final exams and graduating, etc. And it’ll cover the time limit another poster mentioned; thanks for pointing that out!

puzzleannie, it’s mainly because we’re in different cities, and honestly have no money. Not just a little money, but no money. That situation will change when he goes into the engineering co-op program later, but right now, he especially is tight for cash. He’s the eldest of 9 kids, and I trust him to know if we do or don’t have enough money to support a child. Again, being in two different cities… I’m at a university I LOVE and feel at home at, but it doesn’t offer an engineering program, hence him having to be a 3-hour drive away. We’ve looked at everything, trust me… I might decides to transfer to his uni some day, but I doubt it… we’re both really happy where we are, except for the whole not being able to see each other very often…

As for the last two posters, of course we share emotionally! ^^ We share just about everything; I will tell him stuff that I would NEVER tell anyone else. (except maybe a priest… ^^;; ) I’m just struggling with the definition of Christian, courtship-type love, engagement-type love, and how they differ from the complete giving of self that is married love.

Thank you all for your advice(feel free to contribute more ), and your prayers!

 

[Rach620]

Glad I could be of some help, and that you guys had a good conversation

Another suggestion that I don’t think I (or any of the other posters) have mentioned yet is to meet with a priest together. A wise priest will be able to counsel you and to help you not only in your discernment process, but with your questions about what your relationship should be now. At least for us, just talking to a new person who wasn’t familiar with us or our ‘story,’ someone who we knew would understand where we were coming from, was really helpful.

Most advice you’ll get from people these days seems to be affected by misconceptions about the meaning of marriage or even a lack of understanding of our desire, even as young people, to commit our lives to another person. So you’ll hear incredulity from some people that you’re even pondering marriage, and stern warnings from others that it’s utterly dangerous for the period of engagement/waiting to be too long. It gets really difficult to figure out what we’re called to do in our own circumstances as different couples, and that’s what speaking to a priest can help you discern.

Basically, that you’re feeling this calling so deeply to one another is a big flashing neon sign from God. It is a calling not only to married love later, but to the chaste love of a betrothed couple now. I have some other engaged friends, or friends in serious relationships, and I find this period of life, frankly, quite beautiful in its own way. At the same time of such joy and love in being in a relationship with one another, and with the anticipation of the love and complete gift of self which is to come, there is a humble patience, and acceptance of His will, to which we are particularly called now. Once you find peace in this period of life you will be able to truly begin preparing for the next.

God bless you and your bf on this journey! Feel free to PM me any time

 

[maria29]

Thank you, Rach620!!! We discussed your post last night, and agreed with your points. We’re in the same boat… it is a bit awkward, knowing you want to get married, and will, God willing, but having to be careful how you talk about it with other people, parents especially… We decided a longer engagement wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all, so we can have plenty of official time to prepare and work towards marriage, plan the actual wedding, rather than trying to get it all to work around the same time I’m in final exams and graduating, etc. And it’ll cover the time limit another poster mentioned; thanks for pointing that out!

puzzleannie, it’s mainly because we’re in different cities, and honestly have no money. Not just a little money, but no money. That situation will change when he goes into the engineering co-op program later, but right now, he especially is tight for cash. He’s the eldest of 9 kids, and I trust him to know if we do or don’t have enough money to support a child. Again, being in two different cities… I’m at a university I LOVE and feel at home at, but it doesn’t offer an engineering program, hence him having to be a 3-hour drive away. We’ve looked at everything, trust me… I might decides to transfer to his uni some day, but I doubt it… we’re both really happy where we are, except for the whole not being able to see each other very often…

As for the last two posters, of course we share emotionally! ^^ We share just about everything; I will tell him stuff that I would NEVER tell anyone else. (except maybe a priest… ^^;; ) I’m just struggling with the definition of Christian, courtship-type love, engagement-type love, and how they differ from the complete giving of self that is married love.

Thank you all for your advice(feel free to contribute more ), and your prayers!

**I recommend reading Dietrich von Hildebrand. Marriage: the mystery of faithful love…

Its got several chapters about different loves…

I know that many people will recommend Christopher West to you at some point, but i find Von Hildreband captures things in a much more beautiful and theological way.

**

 

[KCT]

I really, really want to throw my entire self into loving him, and being the best wife and companion I can be, but I can’t. What is the best way to love him in our sort of relationship? ^^

You can’t throw your entire self into loving him because he’s not your husband yet .

IMHO, the best way to love him is to become the best “you” possible. Grow in virtue, pray, receive the sacraments, develop the talents God has given you. That way, if you are his wife some day, you will be the best wife you can be. —KCT

 

[jrabs]

We will spend most of our life waiting for something. You are called to make the most of your TODAY.

You are pinning about being married…after that you will pine for children and have to wait…and on and on.

Life IS about the waiting - how you wait and the grace you display while you wait is important. God uses the waiting time to mold you into the person who can best complete the job after the gift (be that marriage, a degree, children) has been earned through the wait.