Love is a daily decision?

[HerCrazierHalf]

Not sure if it is a part of Engaged Encounter everywhere, but one topic I found absolutely troubling was “Love is a daily decision”. Has anyone heard something similar? How do you interpret it?

The problem I have with that statement is that a decision means you could actually say “no”. But for me, love is one of those “it just is” aspects of a relationship. And if I honestly have to decide each day then wouldn’t that mean I’m forcing or faking it, logically speaking.

 

[Maine52]

Once you understand what love really is, you will no longer be confused.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Love is not just a feeling. It is so much more than that. Unfortunately, the secular culture insists on love as a feeling definition, and when the fluffy feelings go then the marriage is often considered dead.

We go through ups and down, love is not always easy. But we decide to go on and to love our spouse. To love - a verb. Love is action.

 

[Petaro]

Love is an act of the will. This means we must continually exert our will to love another person. This becomes extremely important in the maintenance of a relationship after the first emotional forces wane with familiarity and continued co-existence.
Not that this need to exert the will is always a strain, mostly a contented habit, but there will always be times of pressure when a strong will and recognition of commitment and loyalty become important ingredients to a lasting love.

 

[Lorelei12]

Love doesn’t just “happen”. It certainly is a decision. When your spouse irritates you, when you disagree about something, when they’re sick, just overall anytime loving him or her isn’t easy, it is a decision to keep loving that person. To act lovingly. It doesn’t mean you wake up every morning and wonder “hmm, do I still love this person today?” which may be how you are interpreting it. It means that even when you don’t feel particularly loving, you make the choice to be a loving spouse anyway.

And yes, it does mean that someone could say “no”- by not acting the way a spouse should. This whole concept is definitely something anyone getting married should understand, and it is a good thing that they are covering it in Engaged Encounter. If you are having trouble with it, figure out whether you are just misinterpreting what was meant, or whether you truly don’t believe it. If it’s the latter, I’d recommend taking a step back and re-evaluating with your intended what you think marriage is supposed to be.

 

[Dorothy]

And, not only for marriage but for all of us who are fighting the good fight to do God’s will, and radiate His love!

 

[glendab]

The answers so far have been excellent. I totally agree with what was said about the fluff-n-stuff that the secular culture promotes as the ONLY kind of love there is. Fluff-n-stuff is dangerous and if you only love those who please you or cause you to feel good, then how meaningful is that? Kinda shallow and self-serving, but hey that’s a choice some seem happy with.

Perhaps it may help to consider this: hate as a decision too. Take for instance a work situation where you are constantly grated on by a person who is driving you to hate them. Each day you go to work you actually make a decision to remain there at work, around someone you’ve grown to hate. Then realizing the ugliness of your feelings you decide to change them and force yourself to take measures such as look for this persons good qualities and focus on that or see them as a child of God and focus on that or pray for them every time they annoy you or perhaps you simply do kind things for them when you can, etc. This too is a decision. You can either feed the hatred or cultivate a better environment to work in or perhaps you simply go look for a better job and never think twice about it again when you are around people you like.

Yes, once we are past our hormone fueled teen years, we begin to have much more control over our emotions and see love as something different than the fluff-n-stuff years of courtship.

Love is a Person too - Jesus Christ for we are told in Scripture that God is love - Deus caritas est. So there is much, much more to it than a simple feeling of warm and fuzziness. Learn about it from the Pros - read St. John of the Cross.

Glenda

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Hmm … Maybe the difficulty with that statement is partially from witnessing the examples in my parents’ marriage (40 yrs strong). I’ve seen the times where they may have been absolutely upset at each other but didn’t turn cold towards one another or stop doing for each other in a loving way. But it never seemed either of them actually made a “decision” to love.

I get that there is a difference between the fluffy infatuation stuff and the kind of love that last. But my issue is that the “decision” is made prior to popping the question and reinforced during the engagement period. You live out that decision everyday.

 

[Allegra]

People say “no” to love all the time. I’m not sure where the confusion lies. I can think of a million everyday situations where a person feels love but doesn’t choose to act love out. One example is losing one’s temper. If you lose your temper, does that mean you don’t feel love for the person? Of course not, but you are not acting out of love in that situation. When we say that love is a daily decision, it means that we are putting our loved one before ourself, even if it doesn’t feel good at the time.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I understand a little of what you are saying.

Loving my wife is not a daily decision. I do not “decide” each day that I love her. I just do.

 

[Lorelei12]

Hmm … Maybe the difficulty with that statement is partially from witnessing the examples in my parents’ marriage (40 yrs strong). I’ve seen the times where they may have been absolutely upset at each other but didn’t turn cold towards one another or stop doing for each other in a loving way. But it never seemed either of them actually made a “decision” to love.

I get that there is a difference between the fluffy infatuation stuff and the kind of love that last. But my issue is that the “decision” is made prior to popping the question and reinforced during the engagement period. You live out that decision everyday.

In your own example, your parents did in fact decide to love each other when they were “upset with each other but didn’t turn cold toward one another”. That was a decision. It’s not the kind of decision you need to sit down and contemplate for hours, it’s the kind of decision you make in action, and you also condition yourself to love by making a habit of say, controlling your temper or any other such thing. You do it by putting his or her needs above your own, and by putting your marriage before anything else but God. This “daily decision” is manifested in a million different ways, but the point is that you could in fact choose not to be loving.

The engagement and even when you say your vows is only the very beginning. Yes, you decided to marry that person, and you are right that you live out that decision every day. But it is still a choice you make. All sorts of things are going to come up over the course of your marriage, both small and important, where you could decide not to love. Just being married doesn’t mean that everything just falls into place, or that it will always be easy to be loving.

It sounds like you may be overthinking all of this. It’s important to know that you do choose to love your spouse, over and over again, and that it can be hard to do that when you don’t feel like it. It’s important to know that marriage isn’t a guarantee, even though it should be. You and your spouse are both people, who can sin and hurt each other. When you do hurt each other (and you will) it doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other in a general sense, but it does mean that you made a decision not to love.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Love is an action.
Feelings are transitory at best.
But love as an action requires a mindset that follows through regardless of the ups and downs of feelings.

Mom might not feel like getting up at 3am to quiet and/or feed her infant baby. But she does it out of love even though she might be irritable at having to do this. Especially if it’s a nightly occurrence.

Dad might not feel like getting up at 6am day in, day out, day in, day out, to go to work at a job he dislikes. He does it out of love for his family even though he doesn’t feel good when he’s there at the job.

One grandparent might like feel like caring for his/her spouse suffering from Alzheimer’s or dementia, but he/she does it out of love.

Love as a daily decision may be required in some situations where one just isn’t feeling like doing whatever it is they have to do, then one has to renew that commitment of love on a daily basis, just to get through the day and the week.

 

[Irishmom2]

Hmm … Maybe the difficulty with that statement is partially from witnessing the examples in my parents’ marriage (40 yrs strong). I’ve seen the times where they may have been absolutely upset at each other but didn’t turn cold towards one another or stop doing for each other in a loving way. But it never seemed either of them actually made a “decision” to love.

Aha! There you go! Just because it did not seem TO YOU that they made a decision doesn’t mean that they didn’t. It is not something that you would be able to see them doing. But if you could have seen what was going on in their mind at the time, it may have been:
“Ugh, I told him/her to stop doing/saying xyz and there they are doing it again. I will make dinner/go to work/smile at them/give them a hug/love them despite what they did.”

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Aha! There you go! Just because it did not seem TO YOU that they made a decision doesn’t mean that they didn’t. It is not something that you would be able to see them doing. But if you could have seen what was going on in their mind at the time, it may have been:
“Ugh, I told him/her to stop doing/saying xyz and there they are doing it again. I will make dinner/go to work/smile at them/give them a hug/love them despite what they did.”

I see. Maybe I am over thinking this. Maybe that is the thought process they were trying to impart. I thinking that I sort of skip the “deciding” part under my belief that being loving just “is” part of a successful relationship and marriage.

goes without say, but thank you everyone!

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I think there are decisions that lead to actions of love, but I’ve always disagreed with the strong “love is NOT a feeling” trope. I’ve always thought it was severe even if the point it attempts to make is a valid one. In my brain it works like every day won’t be a perfect day or even a good day but you should still feel love. No different than if you become irritated at your best friend, mom, brother etc. Does that erase all of the feelings of love you ever felt for them, No. Does it erase all of the good or even better times, no. Do we need to make decisions to act our best, absolutely but that is no different than any other relationship but I don’t think you are getting it wrong if love is a feeling to you.

 

[trinichiqn]

Not sure if it is a part of Engaged Encounter everywhere, but one topic I found absolutely troubling was “Love is a daily decision”. Has anyone heard something similar? How do you interpret it?

The problem I have with that statement is that a decision means you could actually say “no”. But for me, love is one of those “it just is” aspects of a relationship. And if I honestly have to decide each day then wouldn’t that mean I’m forcing or faking it, logically speaking.

Love is a daily decision. A decision that gives you the chance to say “yes”. When the kids are acting up and your husband seems not to notice, you get to say yes to loving him and the kids.

When that “old flame” suddenly appears just when your husband is getting on your last nerve or it feels like he is neglecting you or any other reason, you get the decision to say yes to the man you married and vowed to love for life.

Feelings are involved with love but if I don’t feel to be loving to my husband who just lost his job so now we can’t go on that vacation we’ve been planning for the last few years, so you feel like walking away because you feel like all he does is disappoint you then you need to make the decision to love and be loving.

 

[maryjk]

Hmm … Maybe the difficulty with that statement is partially from witnessing the examples in my parents’ marriage (40 yrs strong). I’ve seen the times where they may have been absolutely upset at each other but didn’t turn cold towards one another or stop doing for each other in a loving way. But it never seemed either of them actually made a “decision” to love.

I get that there is a difference between the fluffy infatuation stuff and the kind of love that last. But my issue is that the “decision” is made prior to popping the question and reinforced during the engagement period. You live out that decision everyday.

I am going to go against the grain here.

No, I don’t believe that love is a *daily *decision. Love is a choice, an action and yes, a decision. But unless you or your marriage is in strife, you shouldn’t have to make that decision daily.

I can’t imagine that everyone here, that is married, gets up every morning, and while they are brushing their teeth, they think, “hmm, do I or don’t I.” And then goes on with their day.

Now, when times are bad or hectic or stressful, yes. You have to remember that you are in this together. That your love for each other is stronger than the kids fighting, the tree that fell in your house and took out 3 rooms, the job loss, the death of a loved one or the long term illness. Then it might be a *daily *decision. A daily thought, to get you through the day. “We are in this together, everyone is doing the best they can. We love each other and we can make it through this.”

But the normal, daily stuff? If I have to think about whether I love my husband *every *day? I would wonder if I really did love him.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I agree with the PPs. I think we get told often that “love is a feeling, and if you don’t FEEL it all the time there’s something wrong”. Not so. I agree that you should FEEL love - but it can also be because you CHOOSE to FEEL love. You won’t necessarily have that ooey-gooey-mushy-gushy feeling every single moment of every single day, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a feeling of deep affection.

My favourite example is to look at love in action. Let’s say your significant other (I’m a woman so my SO (now DH) is obviously a man) picks you up, takes you for a romantic dinner, and brings you flowers. That’s nice. But it’s ROMANCE. Now, don’t get me wrong. Romance is VERY important. It’s still important in marriage - that’s why couples need to take time for themselves periodically to work on the marriage. But romance isn’t what’s going to keep your marriage going all day every day. Now let’s say you’ve been married for 5 years, the stomach flu is going through the house, you’ve been up half the night with sick kids, you’ve been changing sheets and holding heads and bringing out buckets, and you’ve JUST crawled into bed. All of a sudden your spouse says “I don’t feel so good” and proceeds to lose it all over the bed. That’s not romantic, to say the least. But it’s love that makes you get your spouse out of bed, put them in the shower, change the sheets, get them a bucket, and tuck them back into bed.

If it helps, you might compare it to our walk with Christ. To be a Christian (read: to follow Christ) is a daily decision. We have to DAILY pick up our cross and follow Him - just as we DAILY have to choose to love our spouses. Now, that isn’t always a “conscious” decision, but when the chips are down, it IS a decision.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Not sure if it is a part of Engaged Encounter everywhere, but one topic I found absolutely troubling was “Love is a daily decision”. Has anyone heard something similar? How do you interpret it?

The problem I have with that statement is that a decision means you could actually say “no”. But for me, love is one of those “it just is” aspects of a relationship. And if I honestly have to decide each day then wouldn’t that mean I’m forcing or faking it, logically speaking.

Love is a feeling and love is not a feeling, love is a decision and love is not a decision; there are multiple types of love.

It’s perhaps a bit academic, but I recommend you read Deus Caritas Est by Pope Benedict XVI, it is about the different types of love.