Love, Romance, Catholic Understanding, Spiritual Direction

  • Thread starter Thread starter BoyGenius
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

BoyGenius

Guest
A little background…
I saw a girl online, on a dating site. In the way of building any love or affection for this girl, though I tried to bear and love her, rather than her body. The temptations still lurked and were still there. They came out stronger than I wanted to recognize. Making really and significantly hard to look at her. So, she had auburn hair, beautiful eyes, and sweet beautiful expression on her face. Just beautiful But, she is significantly years young than I am. I tried to struggle against the tempted way around her body. But again, it was hard. The desires lurking. But more so the habitual tendency of falling into the lustful bouts looking at adulterated material, sadly. So it was hard and made this most difficult looking at the whole person, at least from the outside. In addition - even struggling to say this without seriously placing me back into the thoughts and desires of temptation - she gyrated her body in such a motion, expressing sensual. So it was hard. And it is difficult now. But I try to face this perilous moment and place in my life off, rather than retreat from it. I also hate it when trying to dig through those emotions to describe her, what she did, and took place made these feelings erupt. When digging into the memory to describe those emotions as well, it is hard for discernment.

From that, I asked Jesus through Mary, mainly asking Jesus to have a heart placed for this girl. That to turn my orientation to view in love and marriage with her. Not the sensual lustful proposal. And so, I envisioned in my imagination, bowing before Christ on the Crucifix, asking to give myself entirely to this girl. And eventually when meeting this girl - all in my mind and heart right imagining - that I may love her. Just taking my full body as Jesus gave His entire self to us, in the Body and Blood, in the display and Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. Does He will us an call us to be, His. In love. In that way, I wanted to do that for that girl. Of course there are strikes against me for living seriously significant past sins. Not sure she would be open to me. Loving me with these sins. What I suffered and was hurt as a child. And the things I became exposed to when older.

Thus my questions on a manner of discernment and prayer…
Should I be really looking at this girl in the lens of my mind, imagination, and heart? Thinking about marrying her? Dating her? In the manner and prospect I have so imagined? Is this a good way something is telling me, which through Jesus given onto Mary, in the manner and discernment of prayer? I think about dancing with her. Singing with her. Or singing to her. Finding out the things she loves, likes, and hates. Romantically setting upon resting against her arm while she reads a book. Listening to her read from time-to-time. If she plays a video game, I’m happy to just make something to eat for her. Something she likes and just spending time together with her. When married, having our first child. Just sitting there with her, until she needs something. Which I get up for her. Or if she needs to move or do something, or I want to relive her of holding our child. I’ll hold our baby.
 
It sounds to me more like you’re having the kind of midlife crisis people get sometimes when they’re 45.

Unless you live in a culture where men of 45 often marry women 25 years younger (there are some such cultures out there), you better put this girl in the category of fantasy pipe dreams and start looking for a lady closer to your own age who you might actually have stuff in common with.
 
After long reflection. And thanks to a friend. Also your point too. I have prayed to be hopefully in somehow God’s calling that a great gift of love and mercy might be retained. I’d rather have Christ’s mercy, love, and hope. I want to be filled with that love. In God’s love. With Jesus, Mary, Saint Joseph, and all the Saints. And all souls. It’s in Heaven I cannot wait for. These are lesser loves here on earth. People are not a lesser love. Not saying that the way God created man. And not saying how man exists now is lesser. For to say that would be no different the non-servium angel who fell. So I have to be careful in that regard. But I do know in Heaven I can love in a better way than I can here. And that is the gift I pray for.

The world is fallen. In fact through Scripture, as the signs of aging and lifespans getting significantly shorter since being expelled out of the Garden from sin, it is in this way my age difference does make a difference. For when man had not been fallen, where generations of Adam and Eve’s children had transpired in being fruitful and multiplying. Not sure what age people were. Not sure how old Adam was, when Eve was made. And what age she was, when she was made. But, I do know from since the Garden, after the fall, people were accounted longer years. Whether we hold those literal or some way symbolic. Point is the life God gave them in the Garden, in His love and Covenant relationship, was eternal. And when they left in sin, their lifespans began to lessen. And thus why in truth age in marriage does play a significant role and factor. And why I know the love of the Saints and need that love. I cannot live in fanciful ways either on love in Heaven. I need it now as ever before. I need to be nurtured and lifted up in it, and with it. To be helped up in God’s grace. Being that love Incarnate and real in God’s Only Begotten Son. That’s my hope. So I have to be real and ask God to allow me to be received in His love and mercy. So I do not spend my life on a lesser love of a person. But the far better and greater love in which Jesus told the Pharisee’s (or maybe the Saduccee’s - I forget which one quite obviously 🙂 But when He was asked who would be married in Heaven, after 7 suitors died whom the lady was married to. Who was in Heaven in marriage with her. Jesus answered that like the angels they are neither given into marriage. That the supernatural life, state, dependency, and relationship are in Christ’s mercy and love. The fullness of grace. Which is the love I honestly need and can only thrive on. As God made me to be.
 
Last edited:
BoyGenius,
You may be intelligent w books, but w affairs of the heart, you are in trouble. I don’t mean to be unkind here. If you read your text, you’ll see the problems. Your past life has left scars, that need to heal. If you are not whole, you cannot love purely. Talk to your priest, who, I hope is Holy, and take his counsel. Your scars need to heal inside out. There is a song on YouTube written for combat PTSD. If you see your situation and listen to song, meditate on pictures and feel God love you, your healing may begin. It’s called EMBRACE THE PAIN! It’s by God via Alice Regan. EMBRACE THE PAIN TILL YOUR SOUL CAN FLY AGAIN. EMBRACE THE PAIN, TILL YOU WALK IN PEACE, AND THRN, YOU’LL WALK IN STEADY CADANCE, THROUGH A WORLD OF STORMS AND RAIN. EMBRACE THE PAIN.
Then, you mention Pornography!!! My goodness! That puts images in your head that can cause suffering. A good wife can never compare to erotica in those books. THROUGH THEM OUT NOW! It’s part of the reason, you are consumed in lust!! That is what this is lust!!
He’s a good bit younger than you! Now, God has allowed some strange unions. If she has been friendly w you, ??? Young woman liking older men, have emotional problems w a Daddy figure. Not good.
You are addicted to her in a fantasy…
Your life is just starting over when you deal w healing scars. Throw Porn out and get healed from addiction. Get off of dating sites and go out to meet ppl in church w functions. Go to museums and increase your exposure to real ppl…Join a writing club or art??? A BOOK CLUB…
DO MOT WATCH NY X TATED MOVIES. Only G and PG. not romantic ones that will leave you longing. Donate time at Salvation Army and/ or feeding babies in hospital nursery. You’d meet woman there.
No matter what your life may have been, God is exceedingly able to bring you to a fruitful life.
SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND EVERYTHING RLSE WILL BE ADDED UNTO YOU.
In Jesus name
Amen

JEremy 29/11. Matthew 11- Come unto me, all you who labor…

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ’s side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

“I love You, O my God, and my only desire is to love You until the last breath of my life. I love You, O my infinitely lovable God, and I would rather die loving You, than live without loving You. I love You, Lord and the only grace I ask is to love You eternally…My God, if my tongue cannot say in every moment that I love You, I want my heart to repeat it to You as often as I draw breath.”
  • Saint John Vianney.
Tweedlealice
 
Thank you. It’s a conflict between my mind and heart.

Especially with the in-roads of abuse & other sins coming into your world as a child & growing up through them, society is a liar. The world condemns so many acts, both condemning and justifying crimes. Society condemns rape, but approves abortion. Society condemns murder, but advances assisted suicide, or just suicide itself. Society condemns murder of a pregnant woman as double homicide, but yet turns it’s back to abortion mills. A compromised system of justice and of law.

When the hands of authority give the basis and premise in law for the destruction for life forming in the womb of a mother. I therefore don’t trust authority. Because if it were true and faithful, then abortion mills would be shut down.

I pray, that God will grant that all the crimes far worse/grave to Him, to reality, to the moral ordinary natural order, are met out with their consequences. May God flood the system of government in this land with them. So much, the government cannot convenience itself of them. But has to face it face-to-face. For He did it with Pharaoh. Why does this country feel it gets lenience? I pray just as the waters of the Dead Sea flooded pharaohs army, it floods the government.

God’s law doesn’t change. Countries who oppose His law, will fall apart. As Our Lady said in Fatima that nations will disappear. And God will allow for the system of this country to fall apart because it has attacked the unborn. And has allowed for it to happen and to exist.

I pray though that God would be merciful to me. And save me from the sickness I inherit. And save me from Hell. I am not perfect, I am not a holy soul, But I know murder when I see it. And murder of the unborn is done through abortion. Fallen as I am. I know what love is. Even as fallen and perverse as I am. I know that it isn’t love to destroy a baby in your womb. Or have it destroyed. I know that contraception is not love. I know as a hopeless human being, that Humanae Vitae is true. And those who allow for the very evils posited in that letter, are criminal human beings.

I know my faults. They are always ever present and before me. But the world and society does not.

I do not need to adopt the sick & strange lifestyles of the world, no less the woman I was born to. I do not need to accept the age difference criteria of society on marriage, since the same social basis also justifies abortion, euthenasia, and sexual lifestyle, & not the prospects of real matrimony. Majority of people use contraception, introduce sex outside of marriage and the family. And encourages people of all ages to have sex. Including gender dysphoria, and the homosexual lifestyle. I am tired of a world and society that builds these social constructs, many of them becoming law. And telling me I am out of order for looking to marrying a girl many years younger than me. To be honest, I am letting go of that ambition as I am praying to God and asking in His mercy to just fill me with His love. Because I am tired of the non-sense of this culture, the people, and the state who act as if it’s okay with those structures to continue the way they are.

I am not a fool.
 
Salutations Brother
I am as frustrated as you in society and govt. We all fall short of the glory of God.
We aren’t following societies laws but God’s. Render to Caresar , etc.
A large age difference is not a big issue. 10 is better than 20. If too wide, one marries an immature being. Sometimes women have Father issues. This females faith is??? You are not to be unequally yoked. Is she as excited as you about this possible marriage? You met her in an online dating service. They can work but clients should be local. Starting long distance relationships is hard. One having to move a good distance is hard.
We can’t us societies corruption to have us accept something we want b/c society is messed up. When our alarms don’t sound when we desire something out of our norm, that is dangerous. Young women have taken old men for a ride.
I may have been hard on you. Your words were so flowery. They sounded overboard.
You know, I wish you well and success. But, first I wish you, JESUS. If we love Him, we have to put the brakes on and slow down and pray. We should get counsel from a close family member or priest.
The Church is not doing enough to evangelize. There is so much evil. St. Michael and his legions are busy
I’m Christs love
Tweedlealice
 
In truth, I am not arguing any of your points. Just dealing with the chaff with the wheat so-to-speak with the societal errors. Which actually develop into real consequences. And yet the same societal construct view religion - especially a Christian one - as flowery or too severe.

Humanae Vitae is real, apparent, and truth. The secular world has secluded itself from the facts. And thus goes spiraling down into a vortex of hell. Jesus said the gates of hell will not prevail against the Church. Well, the Church is on earth. And thus does that mean the gates of hell are here, and now.

The government, like the Pharaoh of Egypt, continues to ignore the evils. Consider some close resemblance from China and Egypt. Where Egypt wanted only girls from Hebrew people to survive. because God’s people lived in the land of Gershon (spelled that wrong.) In China, they rather have more boys than girls. So they mandate abortion for girls, not boys. And they also limit the populace for the construct of China’s criminal and perverse mind just as Egypt’s Pharaoh did.

The world attacks the uterine wall of a mother. They attack the soul of a developing individual attached to the womb, attached to life, the umbilical cord of the woman. And yet they kill the living developing human child.

The Guardian Angel of Portugal said, “Penance, penance, penance.” Jonah told the Ninevites their sins. And the consequences if they don’t repent. The world is Ninevah. And the world in this sin, needs to discontinue and repent as the Ninvevties. And I pray it does.

Hopefully God will do the most astonishing thing in the Pro-Life movement. He will stir up the dragon of fascist rule in the U.S. He will, as JRR Tolkien wrote with the Hobbit Bilbo Baggins in mind, with the dragon who killed many dwarves, and laid ruin to take over the city under the Mountain. That God would then anger the dragon, if you will here in the U.S., cause it to set it’s course towards those grounds where people are Pro-Life. Trying to use its’ power, as it did to the people of Laketown. And thus, as the Hobbit elicited the weakness of the serpent. There a bird revealed to the archer in Laketown how to kill the dragon. So thus do I pray with the information of the Pro-Life movement elicited in so many Congressional settings, will give the people like the archer in Laketown, knowing how to take the beast (i.e. the fascist rule) down. And lay upon it a falling blow. That it is dead, never to rise again. And that from there, Our Constitution Bill of Rights will be Amended the Right to Life. And from there, it will be noted from Science and Research it is murder, to kill the unborn. Thus pressuring all international communities to Amend a charter/agreement to Protect the Life of the Unborn from Conception to Natural Death. That all good nations will agree to this. That is the great act of Penance I pray for. For even that Our Lady said,by the Consecration to her Heart, Russia will convert. And so by this, I pray, by the prayers delivered by Pope Saint John Paul II, this is done.
 
Truth be told. As I let go of this with God’s grace. In addition with the disorder I am in conflict with. A sort of demon I am plagued with. It’s truly sin and myself. This inner feud is hatred to myself. Due to my upbringing and my past. And cursed with the makeup and disorder of the woman I was born to. In addition the sins I’ve fallen into. I cannot look in the mirror anymore, truly. The appearance of not only an older man than I was or used to be. But as well as the horrid appearance I have to someone younger than myself. God and nature segregate me from marrying a young beautiful girl. Which is fine. It’s honestly God’s call. Not mine. My dreams and ambitions, in that way way must come to an end. And hopefully just make my way to Heaven. That’s all the counts in the end. I am not worried about the love of the world anymore. True real love is in Heaven. Not here. Well, it isn’t experienced in a perfect embrace here, as it is in Heaven anyways.

The truth is my heart had desires, idea’s, and thoughts marrying a girl younger, because the beauty, simplicity of one’s youth. But now I am looking that God has not graced me in anyway youthful. I just need to let go of that desire. It’s a hard thing to do. But I must give up on it. I hate myself enough because of my disordered passions trifled with since my youth. So I must stop dreaming about some girl. I also know from the experential terrain/factor, my age, mind, and reasoning. The way I think about things. God is not giving me any youthfulness of mind not to be that way. So the mind and my knowledge just gets older and grows. Thus also eliminating me from the idea of marrying a young beautiful girl. It’s a dead dream. Not real.

It’s hard, because when you never dated, never had a relationship. You just sigh and say, well that’s it God. I never had a chance, because the way things worked in my life. And lend me to ruinous behavior. I even asked for qualities of my youth back. Being fully cured of the illness and disorders of my sins. And even the abuse I fell under. To be freed. But it isn’t so. God has not done this. So I must just go to Him in prayer. Just to know His will in the end. I hope God loves me and wants something good with me. I just know I cannot be married. If God knew I would rebel against His will on who to marry. Then, He should not had me born under the circumstances I was born to. Because it has ruined my life. And so now I just want to spend my life as Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI in prayer.

Thank you and God Bless
 
Last edited:
Please pray for me. A Rosary. Divine Chaplet of Mercy. A miracle. If anyone doens’t mind. I have reached out to a psychologist referred to me by a priest.

After looking at myself in the mirror. And having prayed. And knowing the things I’ve done and fallen into. It’s a good time to do/for penance in my life.

I am exhausted and tired. The life of abuses is over. What has happened to me, and what I’ve done. The sexual lustful days are over. I have to do penance. And my life then can begin anew, through Baptism.

I ma hoping there is a Cloistered Community I may serve out the rest of my life, just as the many saints have had. I can live in solace and prayer. I pray God to please be there with me. To fill my life with love, hope, and mercy. To live in a peaceful room. A simple quarter. Where I can work with my hands. Chores and assignments. Something that is a sort of self sustaining and virtuous order out there. But it has to be Cloistered. Truly Cloistered. And I am asking God to be there with me.

I need it. But only after I have had Counseling, then I may do that.

I have looked at my face, I am old, worn out and exhausted. God has shown no merciful signs of drawing back that aging. The face is unfortunately a sick haggard man. Sadly resembling the woman I was born to. Thus the emotional scaring and abuses done. Feeling I am but a monster. Yet, those people with leprosy appeared disfigured. So with that, I am aware that how I feel on the inside counts more as I am as a person. The outside does not. And Christ will give us new bodies in Heaven. Better one’s than what we are carrying now.

So please pray for me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top