Love the sinner, despise the sin

[MotherandwifeA]

When I have been faced in the past with a person who lies, cheats or steals, I have prayed for that person, attempted to assist them and if they refuse to change their ways or consistently relapse to sin I have distanced myself from them but continue to pray for them. What do you do when it is your son-in-law? He will not allow my daughter or granddaughter to speak with me unless I “respect” him. I do not wish to watch as he beats my daughter, lies, steals or worse, yet I don’t wish to severe ties to my young daughter (18). I have given this young man two years of assistance, guidance to assistance and been sadly disappointed over and over. My daughter does not recognize the abusive relationship. He has severed almost all friends and family from her. I am at a loss. I want to love the sinner but it is hard to continually be hurt emotionally, financially and more.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Dear MotherandwifeA,

First, I am very pleased to hear two things from your posts:

1. You honor the sacredness of their marriage, and
2. You truly wish to love the sinner, without the silly idea of “tough love.”

I’m sure it is very difficult to resist bringing outside authorities between them, and I applaud your restraint in not doing so.

The risk here is to be too passive, which builds resentment and allows the threat to go on. You say she doesn’t understand she is in an abusive relationship, but you said he physically beats her? If this is the case then it could be a very serious situation where she may have become essentially delusional?

I don’t sense from your post that she is in grave physical danger, because if she is then you might need to weigh the sanctity of the marriage (or, sadly, the lack of one) against the risk to your daughter. At some point you have to stop her “bleeding” or she may have no life left.

To me you sound like you have great faith. Don’t give up hope, for with God all things are possible.

Alan

 

[awalt]

Pardon me for jumping in as I am not expert on this and I sure will be praying for you and your family, but isn’t beating your daughter someting the authorities should be contacted about? Once this starts it only escalates…?

 

[Tietjen]

MotherandwifeA:

When I have been faced in the past with a person who lies, cheats or steals, I have prayed for that person, attempted to assist them and if they refuse to change their ways or consistently relapse to sin I have distanced myself from them but continue to pray for them. What do you do when it is your son-in-law? He will not allow my daughter or granddaughter to speak with me unless I “respect” him. I do not wish to watch as he beats my daughter, lies, steals or worse, yet I don’t wish to severe ties to my young daughter (18). I have given this young man two years of assistance, guidance to assistance and been sadly disappointed over and over. My daughter does not recognize the abusive relationship. He has severed almost all friends and family from her. I am at a loss. I want to love the sinner but it is hard to continually be hurt emotionally, financially and more.

Your intentions may be good but whenever there is physical abuse you must set aside good intentions and allow for the protection of your daughter. If nothing is done to stop the physical abuse, it could very well escalate. Start by talking and listening to your daughter. Always reassure her that should there come a time when she needs to “get away” that your door will be opened for her. Next, if it were me in your situation, I would go to the husband with my wife accompanying me (one because she doesn’t get as angry as I do and two so she can be a witness to the discussion). I would calmly try to explain my concern to him. Let him know that you have been praying for him and that you would like to help him and your daughter work things out so that nobody has to be afraid of getting hurt. Offer to pay for Retrouvaille if he and your daughter will attend. If he agrees, great. Hold him to it. If he backs out or tells you that he refuses, tell him very plainly that further violence against your daughter will not be tolerated and that you will respect his choice to refuse help but that he had better respect and understand your position. Hopefully he will get the message. If he doesn’t and he continues to physically abuse your daughter (this is where I differ from many) I would have to “discipline” the child and make sure that he understood that for every act of violence he commits against your daughter he will be “disciplined” and of course reassure him that the offer for help is still on the table should he decide to change his mind.
God bless.

 

[MotherandwifeA]

I appreciate all the prayers. In answer to some questions; My daughter has a civil marriage, not the sacrament. The husband is not Catholic and has started and quit RCIA twice. Yes, the authorities were called. A protection order was done. My daughter was convinced by his mother to give him another chance. My daughter met this boy at her first afterschool job. Within two month of meeting him she was pregnant and ran off to marry him without my husband or my consent. When she met him we tried to discourage her from dating him since he had dropped out of school, had been in trouble with the law, was not catholic and did not follow social norms we accepted. When she announced she was pregnant we hoped she would wait to marry or possibly give the baby for adoption. They have lived with more than five families of his relatives until each time his being fired (15 jobs in 2 years) or stealing from the family.

 

[awalt]

Pray, as we will too. You have been given this challenge for a reason. Keep in mind:

REVELATION 3:21
21 To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me
on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on
his throne.

As you face the problems of life, keep your eyes on your
destination, just as Jesus did. Walk close to God and depend on
Him. He will not fail you.

 

[vegpotter]

AlanFromWichita:

I don’t sense from your post that she is in grave physical danger, because if she is then you might need to weigh the sanctity of the marriage (or, sadly, the lack of one) against the risk to your daughter. At some point you have to stop her “bleeding” or she may have no life left.

/QUOTE]

If he’s beating her, she’s in grave physical danger. So is the baby.

Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do–she has to make the choice to leave him. One of my aunts was in your daughter’s position; her husband was abusive to her and her daughters. My mom and her other sisters tried to talk her into leaving, even going so far as to drive long distances to get her. She always went back b/c her husband talked her into it. She finally left him, thank God and they got divorced. Keep praying for her, and be there for her. If things get too bad (you’ll have to decide what that is), you may have to call the police, to protect her.