Love vs. Lust

[TruthSkr]

In Christopher West’s well known book, “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” the author speaks about love vs. lust, especially in marriage. While he makes it very clear that we should always strive for love vs. lust he admits that the difference between these two opposites is often a very gray line. Without actually saying it, he seems to suggest that to have intercourse with one’s spouse for the purpose of relieving sexual tension may be an act of lust because it is self satisfying. So an obvious question is “Is it lust and is it sinful to have intercourse with one’s spouse to relieve sexual tension?” If it is sinful then how can one possibly have intercourse with one’s spouse without committing sin if sexual tension is present to some degree or another most of the time? This seems to be a real Catch 22. An good answer to this question would be a great service to myself as well as many of our readers.

 

[SFO]

This is an interesting topic. I would say that, according to West, the line is drawn when intercourse is ONLY meant to relieve sexual tension, and not meant to create (or to be open to create) life.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

In Christopher West’s well known book, “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” the author speaks about love vs. lust, especially in marriage. While he makes it very clear that we should always strive for love vs. lust he admits that the difference between these two opposites is often a very gray line. Without actually saying it, he seems to suggest that to have intercourse with one’s spouse for the purpose of relieving sexual tension may be an act of lust because it is self satisfying. So an obvious question is “Is it lust and is it sinful to have intercourse with one’s spouse to relieve sexual tension?” If it is sinful then how can one possibly have intercourse with one’s spouse without committing sin if sexual tension is present to some degree or another most of the time? This seems to be a real Catch 22. An good answer to this question would be a great service to myself as well as many of our readers.

Having sex just to ‘relieve sexual tension’ would be similar to masturbation. Both are selfish acts that turn the focus on self. Sex with our spouse is supposed to be self giving. To use your spouse for your own benefit would be lust and would be sinful. You spouse is not a tool for you to simply use to have an orgasm.

Bear in mind that sex must be unitive and procreative each and every time. Using one’s spouse is not uniting with one’s spouse.

 

[TruthSkr]

Having sex just to ‘relieve sexual tension’ would be similar to masturbation. Both are selfish acts that turn the focus on self. Sex with our spouse is supposed to be self giving. To use your spouse for your own benefit would be lust and would be sinful. You spouse is not a tool for you to simply use to have an orgasm.

Bear in mind that sex must be unitive and procreative each and every time. Using one’s spouse is not uniting with one’s spouse.

I always try to avoid having sex JUST to relieve sexual tension. I do love my wife and sincerely try to make her needs as important as mine. But if the sexual tension is most always there how can one avoid sin while having sex? Do you mean that we should stop having sex altogether as long as I feel sexual tension?

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I always try to avoid having sex JUST to relieve sexual tension. I do love my wife and sincerely try to make her needs as important as mine. But if the sexual tension is most always there how can one avoid sin while having sex? Do you mean that we should stop having sex altogether as long as I feel sexual tension?

I am saying that you have to look at the intention of the act. Are you having sex with your wife solely for the orgasm that will happen or are you wanting to do so to give yourself to your wife and be open to life?

 

[patientone]

The “marital embrace” is obligatory and when God is in the center of a union between man and wife that is open to His Divine Plan we fullfill our marital vows.This is pleasing to God. When we fall short of this Agape love, such as using contraception or looking at our spouse as a sex object for our own fullfillment, we fall short of the mark. The grey line is one’s own mindset to what brings the embrace. That is why it’s possible for one spouse to sin during intercourse and not the other.

 

[Yerusalyim]

Having sex just to ‘relieve sexual tension’ would be similar to masturbation. Both are selfish acts that turn the focus on self. Sex with our spouse is supposed to be self giving. To use your spouse for your own benefit would be lust and would be sinful. You spouse is not a tool for you to simply use to have an orgasm.

I have to disagree. As long as the act is open to life, and in the “relief of sexual tension” we are also giving to our spouse, that touches on the unitive aspect. Sometimes a couples is, to put it in the vernacular, HORNY and both want the relief that comes with sex…that’s why God made it so good, so we would WANT to do it…often…and it’s a physical urge…, and as long as they are giving to one another and the act is open to life I can not see it as a sin…
Sure, the act can become selfish, and that would be sinful, but relief of sexual tension in and of itself is not a sin. That’s my two cents worth.

 

[TruthSkr]

I am saying that you have to look at the intention of the act. Are you having sex with your wife solely for the orgasm that will happen or are you wanting to do so to give yourself to your wife and be open to life?

If the act is giving and open to life are you saying that it is not a problem if sex also serves the purpose of relieving sexual tension?

I have to disagree. As long as the act is open to life, and in the “relief of sexual tension” we are also giving to our spouse, that touches on the unitive aspect. Sometimes a couples is, to put it in the vernacular, HORNY and both want the relief that comes with sex…that’s why God made it so good, so we would WANT to do it…often…and it’s a physical urge…, and as long as they are giving to one another and the act is open to life I can not see it as a sin…
Sure, the act can become selfish, and that would be sinful, but relief of sexual tension in and of itself is not a sin. That’s my two cents worth.

This is exactly my point. Is there anyone out there who can honestly say that they never feel the urge to relieve sexual tension when having sex with their spouse? If there is, please tell me how you managed to supress that feeling. Or is there someone out there who believes that this feeling is disordered?

 

[DanteAlighieri]

I think (caveat: I’m not married) the idea is that one must not be ruled by one’s passions. For example, waking one’s spouse up in the middle of the night because one is horny seems to be a response primarily to one’s desire for sex.

Now, on the other hand, it is a wonderful thing if a married couple are hot for each other – if they engage in the marital embrace numerous times, with the intent of fully giving themselves to each other, then so be it. The problem arises when one or both seeks merely to satisfy an urge, and the problem is exacerbated by the seeming acceptability of “doin’ it for doin’ it’s sake as long as it’s with my spouse”.

Again, though, the urge itself is not wrong, and can be part of a healthy marriage. One must take care that it does not grow into a compulsion, however. Hence, the virtue of self-mastery.

Peace,
Dante

 

[teachccd]

I love my wife with all of my heart. Whether we are holding hands, hugging or just being together there is a loving bond that only true soul mates could understand. Now, if I have sexual tension ( and I believe that all men do at one time or another) and have intercourse with my wife do I lose all of my love for her?? Does all of the affection given throughout the rest of the day go out of the window as I “relieve” my sexual tension?? I think not. Yes, if the urge is strong and I initiate sexual intercourse how could I separate my love for her by using her only as an object of lust? I guess that what I’m trying to say is that if one loves his wife with all of his heart he cannot remove himself from that love while he “satisfies” himself with her. As soon as I move into the marital embrace, regardless of the tension or urges, I know that I am holding the most treasured person in my life.

So in closing, I would just state that the relationship between a husband and wife goes beyond the bedroom and cannot be severed there for a moment of gratification. If it can then there are far greater issues and the unitive qualities are lacking in many other areas. God Bless…teachccd

 

[Contarini]

In Christopher West’s well known book, “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” the author speaks about love vs. lust, especially in marriage. While he makes it very clear that we should always strive for love vs. lust he admits that the difference between these two opposites is often a very gray line. Without actually saying it, he seems to suggest that to have intercourse with one’s spouse for the purpose of relieving sexual tension may be an act of lust because it is self satisfying. So an obvious question is “Is it lust and is it sinful to have intercourse with one’s spouse to relieve sexual tension?” If it is sinful then how can one possibly have intercourse with one’s spouse without committing sin if sexual tension is present to some degree or another most of the time?

I think the question is: are you acting out of love for your spouse and concern for her needs and well-being (I’m a guy so I’ll assume a guy’s point of view), or only out of selfish desire. “Relieving sexual tension” is not incompatible with genuine love and with openness to life (though since I’m Episcopalian and don’t entirely accept Catholic teaching on birth control I view this last issue somewhat differently). Lust is when you use the other person as a tool for your own pleasure.

Edwin