Loving being Catholic but at a road block

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hannah12343

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Hello! I am 22 years old, home from college (unfortunately my senior year is over), back into the environment I was raised in. In short, I have a really overbearing mother, and that’s an understatement. I never really had a mom in the way I wanted to, my mom never really created a relationship with me but scolds me in things that I am doing wrong, and it’s embarrassing because people outside of myself and my family who know my mom, even at my church, and claim she too is very overbearing and excessive. There is so much that I can say about her, but recently a priest in confession was talking to me about “the Christian” response in different situations.

Backstory–Before I came to the idea of liking catholicism, my mother made being catholic look like a chore and if you don’t do this “you’re in trouble,” or if something wasn’t “Catholic,” or about God, she shut it out–like she never wanted to watch movies with me, and she would always try to control every aspect of my life, my friends, and always would force me to do these readings, and adult retreats with her. If I didn’t do it I would get yelled at. I even one time was forced to go to something for adults at my church but I ended up having a panic attack in the car because I didn’t want to go and I’ve had it with my mom that day.

Looking back I was forced to go to retreats and to tag along to mass…which are things that I value now because I do go to daily mass every day, and retreats. I discovered God in college and FOCUS Catholic and I am honestly falling in love with him…literally because I have had religious life in the back of my head since I was little and I am now seeing normalcy with it…but I am still discerning. More so I am into apologetics, and I don’t want her to know about what I am doing or reading in terms of the faith. I brought home all my books I am using for study, and I am hiding them.

Anyway. I wouldn’t say that I am spiritually “perfect” but there is this “tension,” and “anger heat” feeling whenever I try to do anything faith-related at home like if I choose to go to daily mass while at home, or if I talk about Jesus to my siblings or in general about the church, she like tries to top me off I guess and add to what I am saying–but it usually makes no sense.

I think my mom might have a mental disorder (I am not saying that to sound disobedient), never remembers anything I say ever and she is very toxic to me around the house, goes through my things and doesn’t trust me, especially when it comes to trying to help out watching my little sibling at which gosh, is even worse because she has a false fear that my brother is 2 years old when he is 5.

So my question is this:
Why would I have tension with the faith, but only with my mom? Are these feelings ok or normal?
I feel this “heat” when I even mention the faith! Jesus tells us that we cannot enter eternity with anger for others on our hearts, and I don’t want to go to hell thinking about my mom, and I certainly don’t want to sit in purgatory long.
 
At 22, you are an adult and realize that your mom has a problem and that it may even be a mental illness out of her control.

Your best bet is to try to arrange your life so that you can move out and not have to be living with her, and then try to have whatever relationship you can have with her from a distance, and if necessary get counseling to help you deal with her.

It is normal to have negative emotions about a toxic parent. However, you should not let those emotions run your life, and you should for your own good try to get some distance from this parent as soon as possible.
 
It sounds as if your mom has a controlling personality, and because of this, you always looked at church in a ‘negative light’. Now, that you’re understanding it for yourself, you’re finding a joy you never had before…at least with the church.

Whatever you do, don’t let your mom, and her controlling ways, take your joy away from you. Try and get out on your own, as soon as you can. If it isn’t feasible, at this time, or in your culture, just separate yourself from as much as you can. You can ‘honor’ her from a distance.

So glad you’re finding joy in your church! God Bless!
 
First of all, it is wonderful that you are growing in your faith and taking ownership of it as a young adult.

I want to be careful not to project, as I’ve had a similar (while of course very different) experience as you. If you suspect a mental disorder, it may very well be the case; it wouldn’t hurt to do some research about common disorders to consider if something may match. I did not find out one of my parents had a mental health diagnosis until college, and in retrospect, it would have helped so much in understanding them if I’d known sooner.

You mention not entering eternity with anger in our hearts… This is something I was convicted of recently. Despite saying the Our Father countless times, I was newly struck by the line “as we forgive those who trespass against us,” realizing how many people I do, in fact, hold anger against. I do think it’s essential to forgive your mother. That doesn’t mean you pretend everything is okay or excuse her toxic behavior. You can still work on your relationship and hopefully find healthy boundaries and some mutual understanding. But prior to any of that, you can still tell God your intention to forgive her and to ask for His help in doing so.

I have found seeing a Catholic therapist extremely helpful in this matter. I haven’t finished reading it, but the book “Unbound” was recommended to me in regards to forgiving and letting go of anger.

As someone who has struggled with a parent who was overbearing in matters of faith, I think it’s important to get space between yourself and their demands on you, so you can gain clarity on your own beliefs. It sounds like college was just such a chance for you. Being home again (I assume due to the coronavirus?) presents difficulties. In my personal experience, I needed to maintain some distance to heal this particular relationship. I honestly am not sure what I’d do if I had to live with them again, except maintain a lot of space/make time for myself/stay in touch with other relationships that keep me grounded. I’ll pray for you, that you’ll be able to live peaceably until you’re able to get out on your own.

I understand turning to an “honor thy father and mother” approach where you’re worried about what you’re doing wrong. But it’s okay to stop and consider how the other person may be hurting you. Honoring a parent who does not respect you may require setting up new boundaries for the relationship to be healthier. You’re angry for a reason. I’m not saying stay angry, but investigate it. Your anger can lead you to the source, where you can start to uproot the problem. Maybe it’s feeling controlled, disrespected, unheard, unloved, something else, or all of the above.

No earthly parent is perfect, but you do have a perfect Father in heaven. 🙂 In the absence of a good relationship with your earthly mom, ask Mary to mother you anew. She can help you heal and find peace in your relationship. Ultimately your mom is simply another “poor banished child of Eve” in need of her heavenly family, just like you.
 
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your post moved me to tears. I do think a catholic therapist would be great. I really need to sit down and find the roots of the anger
 
No parent is perfect. I would suggest that you think of this when you are married and have children of your own.
 
I think that the possibility of mental illness is worth you looking into- for your mom’s own sake, as well as yours. Not knowing, even having fears about her own small son’s age. Can’t be too good for him, either.

It seems that, in learning about, and practicing your faith, you got much of the facts, but little of the spirit. When you went away to school, you made the connection, and are now practicing the faith as it was meant to be practiced! Again, you now have joy in your faith…don’t let your mom take that away from you!

As to her mental illness issues…is your father living? Is he in the home? What does he say about all this, concerning your brother?

Do you have any adult siblings? Are any out of the home? Maybe you can live with them, once you’re preparing to move out. And tell them about what she says about your brother, and any other unusual behaviors on your mothers part. Doing so is not disrespect! It’s giving her the opportunity to be healthy and whole! Helping her to stay sick is never respectful.

Praying for you, in these hard times. God Bless!
 
hannah12343 said:
So my question is this:
Why would I have tension with the faith, but only with my mom? Are these feelings ok or normal?
I feel this “heat” when I even mention the faith! Jesus tells us that we cannot enter eternity with anger for others on our hearts, and I don’t want to go to hell thinking about my mom, and I certainly don’t want to sit in purgatory long.
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The tension you feel is because of the…I’m treading lightly here… the level of religious abuse you suffered through your mom’s potential mental disorder.

The “heat” is a justified reaction to an unhealthy situation and it is also the way your body is responding physically to the past and current disrespect heaped upon you. It’s ok to be angry, if it is for a time and purpose. I’m not a counselor, but I have (had) experienced similar situations with my ex/ children’s father in the past. My adult children are mainly atheist or agnostic and they have described similar “heat” perceptions when it comes to Catholicism, their father, and religion in general.

Maybe you could meet with a solid Catholic counselor to help you work through your feelings so you can adequately implement what your spiritual advisor recommends.

God is loving and forgiving, and you definitely have some extending circumstances you are coping with, so please understand that God sees your heart and knows you don’t want this anger towards your mom anymore than an arthritis patient wants inflammation from rheumatism.

You’re on a healing journey that will take time and work. You might not ever be able to have a healthy, loving relationship between you and your mom, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be angry at her. You will need to learn the life skills and spiritual skills that keep you safe from her toxic behaviors. God will love you through this, knowing this cross you carry.
 
I have two other brothers and my dad. All of us are fed up with it. We never have any of our friends over because even in their teen years, they don’t like having her around in all of our business and then the fuss about my youngest brother is embarrassing.
 
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