Loving my fellow man?

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I unloaded a lot of baggage in the section on Sacraments last week. I was afraid of what board posters here would say, but I was answered with love and understanding, so I’ve decided to ask another question, but it belongs in this section.

One of the major problems of my spiritual life, something that has been eating away at me like a cancer for years and has really retarded my spiritual progress, is that I have great difficulty loving or even liking my fellow man. Some of it I’m sure is a projection of my own self-loathing and low self-esteem.

But I have seen many horrible things in my life and I cannot erase them from my mind. Forgiving and forgetting are great concepts, but since I have such an acute memory, it’s hard for me to put bad memories of the past behind. I tend to see the depths to which human beings can fall on their own, rather than notice the heights they can reach with God.

I know it’s not my place to judge others. But there is so much violence and cruelty and ignorance and filth in the world, I’ve come to the conclusion that most people, when you really get to know them, are pretty vile.

I’ll be in a city and encounter all sorts of grotesque people and wonder why on earth most of these people exist, what use do they serve? But of course it’s all a self-fulfilling prophecy–if the world is an ugly place to you, then everything you see will be ugly.

I’m even passively pro-abortion, but only because it prevents more wretched people from being brought into the world.

I hope I don’t sound crazy. A person doesn’t get this embittered overnight. A lifetime of bad experiences pile up, and if you’re helping with that piling, then it just gets worse a lot faster.

I should add that since September I’ve been on depression medication, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, my terrible attitude towards my fellow man continues. And as I say this greatly interferes with my religious life. It’s hard to see the face of God in someone who annoys or disgusts you.

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I’ve also had a series of unfortunate and even tragic events in my recent life, and seem unable to bounce back. For awhile I had loved ones dying off at the rate of about one per year.

I’ve not had a permanent job in three years, and though I’m approaching middle age, I have accomplished nothing, at least nothing that I consider important, have made no real mark on the world, have seen the talents God has given me stagnate, and have wasted far too much time in dead-end, low-paying jobs. I make far less than someone my age should be making, performing useless work that any robot could do.

I’ve never come close to marrying or having a relationship–I’ve really never even dated–yes, I’m even a virgin, and though I’d like to have children, that hasn’t happened either. I couldn’t afford them if I had them.

I struggle with sexual thoughts and urges that disgust and horrify and please and arouse me. I daily have to fight an attraction to those of my own sex, but I fortunately have, with God’s help, kept that sin largely at bay. Still, it has a great deal to do with my self-loathing and my belief that the world is a filthy place.

But at least here very recently I have tried to work harder on my spiritual life. I’ve started going back to church for the first time in 10 years, and I am seriously considering going through RCIA. But this ugly hang-up with my fellow man stands in the way.

I know, academically speaking, that God created everyone for a reason and that He values every life, that He alone is the judge of human evil and wretchedness. I know all that officially. But it is hard believing that on a practical basis.

Do any of you–that is any of you who don’t want to have me committed-- have any idea how I can get out of this mess? Yes, I pray about it, but it’s like an habitual sin–once you’ve worn down a rut, it’s hard to climb out of it. I’ve approached my loved ones with this problem, but they’re mostly too horrified at my attitude to respond. So I bring it to you, a company of good Christians and complete strangers: find me a remedy if you can.

Thanks.
 
Well, it sounds to me like you are a perfectly normal person who is having a rough time. You do need to forgive, but your inability to forget doesn’t prevent this. The fact that you are struggling and have requested help with this is proof that you do, in fact, love your fellow man but don’t recognize it. What I suggest in this regard is a specific prayer that has helped me a great deal with the same problem.

“Lord, please give this person the grace they need to see the error of what they are doing and the harm they are causing others. Lead them to repentance and to embrace your love and make them an example of your love to others. Grant me the grace I need to accept that I cannot change others but to live out my faith and to be a good example to others in spite of my own difficulties and failings. As always, I ask that your will be done in all things. Amen.”

It is normal to remember things and to be frustrated by them. This does not equal hatred for them and, if you can say a prayer for them similar to the one I use, it will be a demonstration of the fact that you love them in spite of what they are doing. This is the essence of the saying, “Hate the sin but love the sinner.”

Other than that, I strongly urge you to reconsider your “passive pro-abortion” stance to “staunchly pro-life.” Even the worst people can amend their lives and do good in the world before they die. It is this position, much more than your feeling that you don’t love your fellow man, that truly stands in the way of returning fully to the Church.

I hope that this helps in some way 🙂
 
I’m so sorry for your pain and frustration. It sounds as though you are a lapsed Catholic – you said you are considering coming back to the Church. If so, **RUN TO A PRIEST, CONFESS YOUR SINS, and BEGIN RECEIVING THE HOLY EUCHARIST AGAIN!!! ** You can still attend RCIA classes to learn more about the Church.

None of us are perfect – far from it. “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” There are many in our world who really have never heard about the love and forgiveness of Our Lord. Then there are those, like me, who heard it for years but never really understood it, accepted it or lived it (until the last several years, thanks be to God!).

There are times when I start to get really judgmental of others, and times when I don’t want to be a part of this earthly world anymore because the sin disgusts me. Then I stop and remember that it wasn’t so long ago that many of these sins went right past me unnoticed and I really didn’t care. I sense that God is working in you, the Holy Spirit is making you aware of the lies and deceit of the world in order to bring you back home to the Catholic Church.

Because of this, you may also be under spiritual attack. Our enemy does not want us to take any more steps closer to Our Lord. This is why I urge you to go to confession and begin receiving Holy Communion as soon as possible. The graces we receive from the Sacraments are gifts from God and help us to don the holy armour we need for our spiritual battles.

Keep praying, know that Our Lord understands your pain. He saw through the sin to the sinner and had compassion on us all. Pray that He will help you be able to do the same.
 
Thanks to both of you for sound advice. This is truly a time of anguish.

I should point out I am a Protestant, was raised a Methodist, sporadically attended Episcopalian and Catholic services in college, and then for a variety of reasons including sloth and annoyance with all the silliness many Protestant churches have been embracing, pretty much kept my religious activity confined to home devotions. Despite strong anti-Catholic prejudices from some friends and family members, I have long been drawn to the Catholic Church, and long ago decided that if nothing else I’d opt for a deathbed conversion, probably because I suspected the Catholic Church was ultimately correct.

Now I am trying to decide between Catholicism and Orthodoxy. Both have qualities I admire, but if I had to put it down to statistics, I’d say I’m 75-80% leaning towards Catholicism.

As for abortion, pro or con, it’s never been a major issue or even an issue to me. For whatever reason I’ve never understood why some people get so worked up about it. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve ever had to decide about it. I know for me personally if I got a woman pregnant, as unlikely as that is, I would not go with abortion. But I also have a strong tendency towards minding my own business and letting others mind theirs.

I know WHY the pro forces feel the way they do and I know WHY the anti forces feel the way they do, but the issue just never has been a part of my life. It’s kind of like English soccer, for instance—I just don’t happen to follow it. I realize that to base your views chiefly on whether they directly affect you or not is a selfish way of doing things, but as you’ve seen, selfishness is a major characteristic and problem of mine.

And I try to keep politics and religion far apart.

Now, as far as the pull of Catholicism—well, I’d long been musing over getting back into the church-going habit again, but it just never happened. Then there was a five-alarm fire, the second-largest in my city’s history, at my apartment complex. I got out with my bathrobe and my beloved dog. It was maybe the worst night of my life, because my possessions—which amount mostly to my library—and my dog are the two things I cherish most. The idea of losing either is just unthinkable. I stood there for hours in shock, praying, “Oh God, make it stop! Oh God, make it stop! This isn’t happening! This isn’t happening!”

A friend who’d seen a report on the fire on the news, came and got me, and when we left the blaze was finally more or less under control.

My wing of the building was the only one unaffected. I didn’t even get smoke or water damage.

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One of my mother’s church friends (she’s a Lutheran), heard about the close call and said that I’d been passed over for a reason. My mother said God had allowed the things I cherished the most to be threatened, but then had spared them, as a sort of wake-up call or attention-getter.

“Yes,” I said, “but what is He trying to tell me?”

She’s fond of saying, “Let go and let God,” but I’ve never been able to grasp exactly how that’s done.

It took me a few months to find a new apartment and during part of that time I suffered the occasional suicidal thought as well as what my doctor said was Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Some of my friends even made mock of that, saying, “How could he have that? He didn’t lose anything.Was he traumatized by just being NEAR a fire?”

Anyway, I moved. I’m still arranging and re-arranging. Normally on Sundays I sleep very late, but on one Sunday my sleep schedule got completly turned around and I found myself wide awake with Sunday morning staring me in the face. I jumped up, got dressed, and went to a Catholic Church I’d long wanted to visit. Then I walked several blocks over from there and went to the service of a Protestant Bible church, which consisted chiefly of Biblical exegesis. (I keep meaning to go back there, but I’ve only been there twice, due to the long walk.)

And ever since then I’ve had religion on the brain. I know I should be job-hunting, because my mom’s been fronting me money and she says it’s running out, but I’ve been hunting for the better part of three years and have exhausted just about every technique there is to find a job.

For weeks prior to my going to church I’d been very depressed, depressed so much my depression meds weren’t really working. And then I’d be angry pretty much constantly for weeks at a time. And this anger and depression was chiefly connected to my worries and feelings of failure career-wise. My thyroid condition also worsened the depression, among other things.

But when I started going to church I calmed down somewhat.The anger seemed to pass. I still felt my life was a waste and that I have no future, but I did feel noticeably more peaceful. I just hope this burst of interest isn’t part of my ADD. With ADD it’s not uncommon for me to get intensely interested in something for a few weeks, then drop it almost completely.

I have done even more research into Catholicism and Orthodoxy. I’ve spent what little extra money I’ve had on theology books so I can try to figure things out. I’ve worn out the cogs on my printer printing up information. (And then minutes later I’ll almost schizophrenically be surfing pornographic websites.There is a battle going on inside me to be sure.) I even switched my attendance schedules–going to that first Catholic Church Saturday evening, catching the Sunday morning Orthodox service downtown, and then trotting out of there and trying to catch Mass at the Cathedral downtown.

Why this? Why now? I don’t know.

As I said I’m considering RCIA, but there are several ingrained Protestant doctrines that are geting in the way. I’m trying to work out the kinks, and boards like this have truly been a Godsend.

Thanks again for your patience with my crazed ramblings.
 
Dear Mutant,

Rereading your message reminded me of something I read about Mark Twain. In his later life he got especially misanthropic, though he’d always had a tendency towards that anyway. The literary critic who was the author of this particular book said that Twain’s savage and relentless attacks on what he called “the damned human race” were just proof of how much he really loved it, that had he not loved mankind he wouldn’t have bothered to get so worked up.

I’ve been puzzling over that idea for years, asking, “How is that possible? It’s so obvious he hates his fellow man.” And now here you bring that concept up again.

Hmm.
 
Seeker63, I can understand the repugnance you feel towards some people you meet in the course of a day. When I run into someone who disgusts me or behaves in a way that is just too far out of bounds to bear, I pray for them in a very simple way - “Lord, give him whatever he needs to fulfill Your will.” I often shorten this prayer to “Whatever he needs!” Then I move on and try not to dwell on it. Remember that loving your fellow man is not a matter of feelings or emotions - it is desiring the best for them - their conformity to God’s will, their salvation, etc.

Is it possible that your depression meds need to be adjusted? I know someone who took a couple of meds, then suffered a setback and was given one more, which improved his condition greatly. Can you see your doctor about this?

God bless you!
Betsy
 
First let me share one of the images that I use in my faith walk.

In God’s eyes, we are all two-year olds with very dirty diapers.

Most of the people who do evil do not truly understand what they are doing. People are not perfect, so do not be that disappointed when they fail, as long as they strive for perfection.

Second, consider that we were all created by God, so we are brothers and sister with God as our Father and Jesus as our older brother.

See this meditation I wrote on “Seeing Others are Children of God”.

Love the person, not necessarily their actions. In fact, hate their sinful actions and love their good ones.
 
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Re: Loving my fellow man?

Seeker63, I can understand the repugnance you feel towards some people you meet in the course of a day. When I run into someone who disgusts me or behaves in a way that is just too far out of bounds to bear, I pray for them in a very simple way - “Lord, give him whatever he needs to fulfill Your will.” I often shorten this prayer to “Whatever he needs!” Then I move on and try not to dwell on it. Remember that loving your fellow man is not a matter of feelings or emotions - it is desiring the best for them - their conformity to God’s will, their salvation, etc.

**

Is it possible that your depression meds need to be adjusted? I know someone who took a couple of meds, then suffered a setback and was given one more, which improved his condition greatly. Can you see your doctor about this?
 
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Is it possible that your depression meds need to be adjusted? I know someone who took a couple of meds, then suffered a setback and was given one more, which improved his condition greatly. Can you see your doctor about this?

[Well, I’m on the maximum dosage of Wellbutrin and sometimes it works better than others. And even when my meds have me mellow and on an even keel, they really don’t change my unfortunate world view. At best they make me a little more easy-going.

I’d known I was seriously depressive for years, but only sought treatment last September. At first I was on Lexapro and Synthroid (a thyroid med.) and now I’m on Wellbutrin and Synthroid. During the days/weeks it took me to get adjusted to those prescriptions, I was often like a raving madman, to the extent I frightened some co-workers at a temp job and got reported to a regional manager. When I was called in to be chewed out, I had no idea at all there was any problem. See, I wasn’t aware I was behaving any particular way. That’s what’s so scary. When I finally figured everything out, I apologized for my behavior and explained that I’m really not that big a jerk and that it was the meds that had done it. They seemed to understand.

But it made me wonder if I’m going to forever at the mercy of the chemicals in my brain, tossing around in there. Will I ever really have control of my thoughts and actions or will some little blip put me or others in harm’s way? To some degree my condition was less frightening before I got treatment. I just wish I could become less unpleasant of a person.

And God, I know these last paragraphs make me sound like I’m ready for the rubber room. 😉

Well, who knows? Maybe this is just one of those crosses I’m meant to bear. If so, His will, not mine, be done!

Thanks again.]

God bless you!
Betsy
Time is short; eternity is long. John Henry Cardinal Newman
 
Hi Seeker,

Let me see if I can add a little more confusion to your life! 😉

Quite often, I feel the same as you: Seems everybody I meet or hear of wants to drink, do drugs, have extra-marital sex, have abortions, put money ahead of all else, treat their own family as second-class citizens…the list goes on and on! And then you hear about the “good” people, and it’s not something that a hedonistic world will glorify–people are mocked for waiting until marriage to make love, it becomes somehow “unmanly” (I think this part was discussed in a different post somewhere) to attend Mass, and so on… So how do you deal with it? It’s difficult. But there are a couple ways to look at things:

(1) Thank the rest of the world for acting like this. After all, if we were all perfect, the good Lord would not have needed to send down His only Son for us!

(2) On the flipside–admit your own sins, and feel happy that, because of your sins, God sent His Son to us. The rest of the world will also be saved for that.

(Okay, so these may not be the best theological arguments I’ve ever made, but I’m just thinking of the psychology! :o )

(3) Try to put yourself in Jesus’s sandals. He is infinitely better than you or I can ever be, and yet He came into this world not to be disgusted by it, but to save it. And as disgusted as we get with the world sometimes, I’m pretty sure that it has no plans to nail us to a tree anytime soon! So think of the love that surrounds us now and awaits us in Heaven–then try to return the favor. Remember: “Then the King will say to the people on his right, ‘Come, my Father has given you his blessing. Receive the kingdom God has prepared for you since the world was made. I was hungry, and you gave me food. I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. I was alone and away from home, and you invited me into your house. I was without clothes, and you gave me something to wear. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’ “Then the good people will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and give you food, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you alone and away from home and invite you into our house? When did we see you without clothes and give you something to wear? When did we see you sick or in prison and care for you?’ “Then the King will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, anything you did for even the least of my people here, you also did for me.’" Mt 25:33-40

(4) And if nothing else works for you, simply turn to God in prayer. Pray for the conversion of the hearts of those around you. Pray that you be given the strength and courage to live to your convictions, even when you are surrounded by many that don’t. Pray that your relationship with the Father is always strong and vibrant.

If that helps at all, I’ll be mightily surprised (and happy)!
Fred
 
T.A. Stoble–
In God’s eyes, we are all two-year olds with very dirty diapers.
**[As the kids say, “True that!”]

**Most of the people who do evil do not truly understand what they are doing. People are not perfect, so do not be that disappointed when they fail, as long as they strive for perfection.
Love the person, not necessarily their actions. In fact, hate their sinful actions and love their good ones.
 
I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. I hope you can remember Our Lord’s words about perseverence:
Acts 14:22
1 Cor. 12:12
Mt. 24:13
And remember daily prayer, even if all you can muster is something like, “God help me today”. Hopefully you can find the strength to attend RCIA classes at the nearby parish to maybe give you something to reflect on and a way to find out more about the faith.

WE should always remember that God gave each and every one of us free will. Those vile people on the street are God’s creation just like every one of us. Unfortunately they misuse the greatest gift God has given them, the free will to choose Him. But they are also eligible at any time for redemption, so be gentle, and maybe someday these people will see God working through you and that will change someone’s life.

God has a plan for you, you must believe that. He knows you very intimately (Ps. 139:13-16) and wants you to know Him as well. 🙂
 
Look for Jesus in everyone, because He is love. When you see someone that disgust you think of Jesus. When you see someone that angers you, find Jesus in them. When someone brings joy in your life, look for Jesus. Jesus associated with sinner and saints while he was on earth and He dwells among all of us today. When we center our thought on ourselves it is hard to see him, but the more we try the more we see Him in others.
 
Just my two cents, and not meaning to be THE answer to your problem, but just a little suggestion: read stories about the saints–many stories. You need some examples of good, good people to make you see that not everyone is a hopeless waste. Whenever I get down about the state of the world I’ll pick up a book about good people and good things. That helps me put the world in perspective. Especially, you should read something about a big sinner who has a conversion and becomes holy. There are many of those stories. I read a story about Blessed Longo (I think that was his name) who had been a priest for the church of satan who converted and is on his way to being canonized. If he can become a saint, anyone can!

Doesn’t it say somewhere in the bible “Whatever is good, holy…think on these things.”

My mood always turns better when I think about positive things.
 
I can’t address everything that you raised, but I can offer some practical advice as someone who’s been through the depression gamut. As your depression improves, you will love your fellow man almost automatically! This is because you no longer hate yourself and displace that self-abhorrence to others. Therefore, do whatever you can to get better - someone else made an excellent point about adjusting medication, a very common problem in the treatment of depression. Also seek out a good therapist because medication alone is rarely the solution all by itself. Most of all, pray, pray, pray. St. Dymphna is the patron saint of mental illness, so ask for her intercession. It will work.
 
Unfortunately for now, no job means no insurance means no access to therapy.

These misanthropic feelings built up over a period of years. But then again, I knew I had serious depression for 20 years before I went to a doctor about it. Prior to that I thought I could control through an act of will.

Well, with my so-called “iron will” and several quarters I could get a cup of coffee.
 
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