Low Sex Drive Hurting My Marriage

[CLB]

My husband and I are happily married, MOST of the time. We do love each other, no doubts about that. His sex drive is so much higher than mine and is really starting to affect our marriage in a negative way. He does not want me to take any kind of “medication” for this and I don’t either and if I did, it would be something natural… he thinks its ridiculous to need meds to “want” your husband. I’m also very shy and reserved when it comes to initiating sex, which also bothers him. I’m definitely a submissive but he wants that to change too. How do I save my marriage??? I’m 42 with a lot of stress in my life and I really think that plays a huge part in it too. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

My husband and I are happily married, MOST of the time. We do love each other, no doubts about that. His sex drive is so much higher than mine and is really starting to affect our marriage in a negative way. He does not want me to take any kind of “medication” for this and I don’t either and if I did, it would be something natural… he thinks its ridiculous to need meds to “want” your husband. I’m also very shy and reserved when it comes to initiating sex, which also bothers him. I’m definitely a submissive but he wants that to change too. How do I save my marriage??? I’m 42 with a lot of stress in my life and I really think that plays a huge part in it too. Any advice would be appreciated!

Psychologist. Yesterday.

Also, he does not get to dictate what medicines you put into your body. That’s a bit controlling and concerning.

 

[Wesrock]

Just to speak to this, and this is not meant to excuse him or chastise you in any way, just something which might help understanding and communication, it’s possible that his frustration isn’t just from “being horny” and unsatisfied, but because of an insecurity. He might feel unwanted, or invalidated, or unattractive when frequently turned down, if there’s an insecurity, this would niggle at him. It doesn’t help his expression of feelings since the male sex drive is making him feel wound up and tense (it’s not just the arousal, but just a persistent feeling of being like a compressed spring, or something bound up tight, or pressure). The sex is one aspect of him feeling secure and validated in your relationship.

(1) Let me note that this can ONLY be speculation on my part.
(2) Confronting him about him feeling insecure might put him on the defensive and only make things worse.

Again, this is not meant as an excuse for him. It’s really not. Such feelings are likely completely unjustified. But he still might be feeling them even so. On your end, you’re probably feeling pressured and put up against a wall by this type of reaction, and that of course is the death of any arousal on your end.

I would suggest counseling, if only to help you two to communicate on this issue.

 

[CLB]

Thank you for your response and I agree and have had some of the same thoughts that you shared. He often says I never compliment him and I don’t feel that’s true, I just don’t think I do it often enough that fulfills his needs, but again I could try harder at that because that doesn’t bother me, but I feel like the comments that he wants to hear are only sexual ones.

You are also right when saying I feel pressured into sex and that totally kills any drive I may have. I feel like I can’t say anything at all to him without it turning into a sexual comment and that is very frustrating and exhausting to me. Sometimes I wonder if he is addicted to sex??? Maybe not…but just what it feels like at times.