Lowest point in my spiritual life in a long time

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Fergal

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My dear Friends,
I turn to you all at a time of difficulty and confusion. I am spiritually corrupt at the present time and I say the present time as I know it will pass and the glory of God wil shine once again.

I love to start my day with the Holy Mass at 7.30am and finish it with the nighly Rosary. It keeps me on the straight and narrow! All fine until near the end of two weeks ago. I noticed about the 15th - 16th of September that I became so slothful and lazy about the Rosary and missed it a few nights in a row.

I went to Confession last Saturday and discovered that 5 of our 6 priests would be away for the week and that there would only be one Mass at 10am during the week. I was so shocked. I realised tat I would be facing a week without Mass. I searched and searched for a Parish around me that offered an evening Mass and found none. I looked for a Parish that offered an early morning Mass and found on in Dublin 20 miles away that offered 7am Mass. That meant I would have had to travel at 6.15am. I was delighted. The morning came and I missed the Mass out of sheer laziness. Now the spiritual cracks were breaking through.
Pope Paul often referred to the smoke of satan entering the tiniest of fissures? Well it did. Without the Mass and the Rosary I spiralled into darkness. Sins I thought long gone out of my life returned as temptations and developed along that horrible path to death and emptiness.
It does not finish there. I have committed many mortal sins over the past week and this morning was on duty to bring Communion to the sick. I had not received confession as normally I always do once a week. There was noone to replace me no hope of finding anyone to fill in for me. I have 3 sick people waiting earnestly for Communion.
I was so disgusted with myself. What shocked me most was the complete revulsion I felt on thinking of Mass and carrying Jesus not from the point of my own sinfulness but from the point of simply going to Mass or even entertaining the thoughts of a return to Jesus.
What did I do? I made matters even worse. I went to Mass. I received the Blessed Sacrament and then carried the Lord to the sick and distributed Him, all in the state of mortal sin.
Things like this horrified me before. Now I am one of shame and confusion. I never did that before.
It is as if satan has said you belonged to him for far too long now its my turn to own you.
I want to return to prayer and a holier way of life. I know what to do. I know what I should not have done. I have done it.
I simply ask for your prayers so that I can oversome the clutches of the evil one.

Please Pray for me.
 
Fergal,

It is probably that your routine is broken that these things are happening. The best thing to do is first to calm down. While it is hard to judge emotion from a post, the way you have written suggests to me you are very distressed, prayer is difficult when distressed.

First go to confession about what has happened with giving communion in mortal sin. The Lord will forgive you, and you should then forgive yourself as well - dont let it hang over you or it will damage your spirituality. Do not be ashamed, we all fall, it is how we get back up that matters.

Get back into your routine (which sounds very rigorous!) and all will be well. It sounds like you are a very dedicated person, travelling 20 miles for a 7a.m Mass arent the actions of a person who is letting Satan creep into their life, nor is distributing communion to the sick.

I am sure you have nothing to worry about. I will pray for you.

Adam 👍
 
I fear that you are slipping into or have already been scrupulous. When you miss devotions that you promise to do, this is not a sin. We all have periods of dryness. Please look at the threads on scrupulousity. The devil uses this to try to get you to turn on yourself. As Fr. Corapi advises, we should resist scrupulousity like a temptation to sin.

May God bless you for your strong faith. The evil one enjoys attacking people of strong faith.

Praying for you,
Deacon Tony SFO
 
I went through this same ordeal for a couple of months this year. The worst of it has passed but some always lingers, and comes back to haunt me.
 
Deacon Tony560:
I fear that you are slipping into or have already been scrupulous.
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I think it is not scrupulosity, but rather that he (the poster) found that without the life of active prayer, he was close enough to old sinful habits (or whatever) so that he fell back into them. It is not a question of being overly scrupulous about living a life of active prayer, but rather of not having clambered far enough out of the traps of sin. As you read my words recall that I don’t know you (poster Fergal) at all so I could be completely incorrect! 🙂

Now I think back to when I was overcoming the sin of masturbation–this is one of my two big ‘sin areas’–I’m not saying that this is what you have done. For all I know you lapsed into swearing, or lapsed into something else–it’s not the point, exactly what you lapsed into. The point I am offering is this. When I was making some headway against masturbation, there were times when it was indeed prayer and the mass that were sustaining me. It’s not so any more, as it has been too long, and the sin is now too disgusting in itself, from what I can tell. So what I think is that all you need is just more time. Do what the other posters have said: go to confession, tell all, and just pick up where you left off. Eventually if you miss a rosary or a daily mass you won’t be thrown off course. You do need to give yourself permission to miss these things once in a while. You need to be flexible: you’re not a religious, I presume. Our state of life as lay people demands that we be flexible in some things. I would also suggest, don’t think too much about the Father of Lies: he likes that too. Just trust Our Lord and pick up where you left off! Remember also: you are a sinner! I am a sinner! We all are sinners. A just man sins seven times a day. You might be imagining that you had attained some sort of perfection: we are sinners. But be optimistic! Our Lord has given us His Church and His Word.
The Lord is compassionate and merciful: longsuffering and plenteous in mercy. He will not always be angry: nor will he threaten for ever. He hath not dealt with us according to our sins: nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. Psalm 102:8-10
 
God knows your heart.

So go do something for a poor person today. Go help clean up the street where you live. Give time to your community.
I’m having a horrible time even making myself pray these days, but I can help others! And besides…sometimes it’s easier to sit and pray than it is to get your hands dirty, you know? 🙂

Therese
 
I’m in RCIA. But I enjoy going to Mass more often than just on Sunday morning. And why not, since I am presently unemployed.

I went to St. Thomas More Cathedral in Arlington Virginia last Friday morning (my first visit there). On the way back out, I saw a statue of St. Pius X. It said “Patron Saint of Frequent Masses”. I was glad to see that there is a Patron Saint for those who love frequent Mass. I realize that there is a schizmatic sect bearing his name. What a cross he bears as a Saint to have his name so abused.

Fergal, why not try praying to St. Pius X and share with him your sorrow that you cannot attend Mass more frequently. Ask him to plead with Mary and Jesus.

See where you can go to Mass using affordable public transportation, even if it is 40 miles away. Unless you are working and don’t have the time. I suppose you have looked at masstimes.org/dotNet/

Once a week on Sundays is OK too. I find reading a book by Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen helps me a lot too.

I remember when I was a youth, there was a widower neighbor who would drive to Mass each morning. He was in his 80s and he was such a nice person. When he was only 8 years old, he was working in the Pennsylvania coal mines.
 
for nearly eight months I walked two and a half miles rain, shine, snow ice so I could go to Mass at eight am. This ment getting up at 5:45 to do my chores and being out of the door by 7:10.
When the church was in a tight spot (one of the priests were ill) I had to walk to a different church i knew nothing about. It was very upsetting, but I learned to deal with it.

Then I came to college and here Mass is at Noon which was good, but then they moved Tuesday/Thursday Mass to 12:40 and I have class then. Can you immagine my pain walking by the chapel on my way to class? Knowing that Jesus is within, but I cannot go?
I don’t have a car either, so I cannot go off campus.

It had depressed me a bit as well as the fact that I am letting my fear of things stop me from reading the Bible and that I find the rosary impossible to learn an excuse for not praying. Its normal to go through times of spiritual dryness. St. Therese spent the last two years of her life feeling that God must not exist, yet right before she died God granted her an extacy. Shurly, if God was upset with her for her feelings He would not of granted her such a blessing. Its part of human life, and eventually things will be ok.
 
Dear Fergal,

Do you know the picture of our Blessed Mother embracing our Holy Father? I hope you have seen it for that is how I see Our Lady now embracing you.

Self-knowledge is a great gift. You have been reconfirmed in it. The Mass is a great gift, as is the Rosary and a life of prayer. Their effects on us do in fact change us, but sometimes I think that when we have been living a relatively good life we forget who it is who is actually righteous. It is Christ in us, of course. You have lived a reminder that can be put to good use. It is only pride that causes us to be so unforgiving of ourselves or even surprised.

Here is how St. Faustina put it:

O Jesus, You know how weak I am; be then ever with me; guide my actions and my whole being, You who are my very best Teacher! Truly, Jesus, I become frightened when I look at my own misery, but at the same time I am reassured by Your unfathomable mercy, which exceeds my misery by the meaure of all eternity. This disposition of soul clothes me in Your power. O joy that flows from the knowledge of one’s self! O unchanging Truth, Your constancy is everlasting!
Peace my brother,
Joanna
 
Hang in there Fergel. You seem like a good, holy, caring person. Everyone goes through periods of dryness including the great saints John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila. Continue praying and asking God for guidance during these difficult periods and He will bring you through this and perhaps up to an even higher plateau in your relationship with Him. Suffering can bring purgation and wisdom and a clearer understanding of self-giving and grace. My prayers are with you.
 
Fergal,

You must being doing something very good for the Lord…why then would Satan be taunting you so… ?
In the words of Bl. Mother Teresa of Calcutta,
“It isn’t necessary that we succeed, but that we are faithful.”
Be assured of my prayers,
Annunciata:)
 
Fergal,

I will pray for you that you stay strong. You are being tested right now and shall win this battle.
 
I repeat myself ad nauseam, but one of the things that I believe is deeply true is that desire for the Eucharist is a very powerful form of penance.

And never forget that when the temptation is most fierce, when the sense of hope is gone, that is when you are closest to the Lord in his suffering and when he is closest to you.
 
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mercygate:
I repeat myself ad nauseam, but one of the things that I believe is deeply true is that desire for the Eucharist is a very powerful form of penance.

And never forget that when the temptation is most fierce, when the sense of hope is gone, that is when you are closest to the Lord in his suffering and when he is closest to you.
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Very nice, I need to be reminded of that. Annunciata:)
 
Well what can I say…

My sincere thanks for all your kind and encouraging remarks. I am amazed that yesterday the darkness seemed to lift completely. I am making my way back to where I was. I was able to resist each and every temptation that came my way like a duck would shake water of her back!! Your all very dear to me as your prayers have given me wings once again. Your prayers are so tangible. I will offer the Rosary of Repentance for you all tonight.

A deep and lingering “SORRY” to Christ Jesus simply because I have abused His Love.

I am preparing for Confession on Thursday and will then go to Mass on Friday morning at 7.30am. I am so looking forward to it.
Yes, if anything, the loss of the daily reception of Holy Communion has taught me that the Blessed Sacrament is the source and summit of my life. I need it as blood needs oxygen and the body needs food and drink. God is so evident in my life when I take the time to offer the day to Him first thing each morning.
Yes I mourn the lost communions but it is my fault. All last week there was one extra host placed back into the tabernacle. The one I should have received. Through my own fault it stayed in the tabernacle. This of course cut me whenever I thought of it.
From my morning reception of Communion my day flows with out a care. Not without difficulties but without a care as I know the day has been offered to Jesus. with Him I can overcome everything.

God Bless you all.
 
Dear Friend

Sin does not rule you…you rule it. So you are human and committed the sin, and you love God and wished you hadn’t, you love Him and had every intention of attending confession at the nearest opportunity, now before this opportunity came your duty to God and to your fellow humans beings was to minister the Eucharist to them, you did this and this was pleasing to God, God knew your sorrow for your sins and God knows you intend to confess them, so tell me dear friend, what would have been worse, not meeting the needs of those people or meeting their needs?

You dear friend are allowing more harm to your spiritual health by this harshness and lack of compassion for yourself, when your Father in heaven has wreckless love and compassion for you. This is not healthy friend, you are asking of yourself even what God would not ask of you! God asks for love, yes you love Him, God asks for a humble and contrite heart, you have this also…so where is your worry? Oh how satan loves seperation by sin!! Even in your sin dear friend you are still a child of God, take heart, you are never conditionally loved, you are unconditionally loved! You are dear friend always with Him even in your sorrow, always with Him. Put aside these ideas and don’t ask of yourself what your Father in heaven doesn’t even ask of you…you are making it hard for yourself where it need not be.

You did nothing wrong, you put others before yourself, you have no need to worry, God loves a generous heart. You are over analysing your sins, so much so, now you dare not serve God??? Oh no do not let that happen!!

God Bless you and much love and peace to you.

Teresa
 
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