Lying and Memory Loss

[QuizBowlNerd]

My grandmother is losing her memory and has gotten to the point where she asks the same questions every five minutes. In particular, she is very concerned about the status of my uncle’s small business (where she worked until very recently). She has difficulty remembering whether or not she is still working there, and when she hears she is not, she wants to know if the business is closed. Oftentimes when she hears it is not, she gets quite upset.

My uncle has significantly cut down on his hours (the business is probably only open two or so hours most days), so the other day my mom just told my grandmother that it was closed, which seemed to ease her mind. My sister overheard this and later angrily confronted my mom about lying about the matter because “lying is never acceptable under any circumstances.”

While I’ve never been confronted about it, I suppose I am also guilty of this. Whereas my sister will give the same nuanced answer every single time my grandmother asks her a question (even if it’s the tenth time), I am inclined to simplify - if she asks why I’m home early on a day when I don’t have a lot of classes, I’ll just say it was a short day instead of going into precisely why (the particular situation is a bit complex); if she inquires about whether I’ve decided on a school for next year or whether I am leaning toward anywhere in particular, I almost always say no, even though I am certainly narrowing down my choices. I’ve noticed that sometimes if one says too much, one odd detail will stick, and that will become the new question she asks ad nauseum - which is frustrating, particularly when it’s something you especially don’t want to be brought up constantly.

Is my sister is right, or can circumstances like these lessen one’s culpability for lying?

 

[guanophore]

My grandmother is losing her memory and has gotten to the point where she asks the same questions every five minutes. I

One important aspect of dealing with dementia of this kind is to avoid deliberately upsetting or triggering the individual. They no longer have the cognitive ability to cope with many unresolved issues, so trying to work things out, or explain them is not productive.

Distraction is a key that works well. Moving attention from the focus of inquiry to another focus can help divert from anxiety.

 

[AdamP88]

One important aspect of dealing with dementia of this kind is to avoid deliberately upsetting or triggering the individual.

This is exactly right. My wife works in a Nursing Home and deals with several dementia sufferers. One lady in particular has a habit of waking up in the night and calling out for her “mammy”. She seems to periodically revert to a child-like state.

My wife, to deal with this will generally just come in and say “I’m here sweetheart”. It’s not really lying, it’s just the realisation that this person can’t really understand or cope with the situation and it’s better to make them happy or comfort them in that moment than to be moralistic about it.

And even if it is a lie, in the balance of things I don’t think the Lord will judge you harshly for it.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I don’t think anyone is going to hell over this.

 

[Lee1]

As all above, anything to help ease things for them.

My mum had dementia too and it’s very hard for family to live with. Sometimes it seems harder for the family than the one with dementia since they seem pretty oblivious a lot of the time.

I have the deepest sympathy for you and yours and pray for the relief of your anxieties.

 

[Allegra]

Kind of like when you tell a volatile toddler “we’ll see” when the actual answer is “not on your life”. I don’t really think this constitutes lying, as it isn’t meant to be deceptive, but to calm and comfort a person who is confused and can’t really understand what is going on. If you still feel bad about it, you can use other, more ambiguous phrases such as “Brother Frank is working on that.” or “We’ve got that under control.” Dementia is really hard to deal with and you have my sympathy.

 

[F_Marturana]

My mom has Alzheimer’s. It’s terrible.

For a while she was convinced my father who has been dead for years was alive.

She’d tell me he was out, did he call? Is he seeing another woman? He’s in Russia and is he on his way back?

She doesn’t have any memory of conversations minutes afterward. We were told by the doctors and nurses to just go along with what she says. I won’t cause her more distress to tell her “ no mom, he’s dead.” It makes her very upset.

 

[F_Marturana]

When I visit my mother many of the ladies there call for their mothers. It’s really sad.

Anolder gentleman named Carlos, claims to know me from his Church “St. John Bosco” that he would go to with his mother and father.

I guess the older memories are the ones that stay the longest. My mom has forgotten my kids, me, my sister. She remembers my dad’s name, but doesn’t recognize any pictures of him.

 

[Horton]

I’m sorry about your mother. My mother also has Alzheimer’s. It is such a horrible process.

OP - The best way to interact with those with dementia is to continue to answer their questions and keep explanations very simple. I disagree with your aunt who says telling them a little white lie is always wrong. It is at times the best way to keep them calm.

My mother & father have always hosted the big family Christmas dinner. The last few years I’ve done it for them. For two weeks I’ve answered my mother’s questions about what “she” needs to for Christmas dinner. I took her shopping with me so she would feel she had some control. Two hours after we got home, she asked if we needed to go shopping for food for Christmas dinner. About every hour I get the same set of questions, are we having dinner, who’s coming, do we need to go to the store, and so on. When she gets really fixated on it, the questions come every few minutes. I am a patient as I can be, answering the questions but it can get frustrating. I will be glad that part of Christmas is done after tomorrow.

I think it is a very difficult way to lose a mom or grandmother.

 

[F_Marturana]

There used to be a hug emoticon. I wish there still was.

Hugs. I know it’s hard.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Tell her she’s not scheduled to work on that day.

Which is true.

 

[Allegra]

I was in my early 20s when I lost both of my grandmas and dementia was definitely part of the process. Fortunately, neither of them forgot who I was, but they both got very confused about where they were, what was happening, what they needed or didn’t need to do, etc. My paternal grandma deteriorated very quickly. She went from fully lucid to passing away in a matter of three weeks. My maternal grandma progressed with her dementia over the course of seven years. She would often call me up and tell me things that were upsetting her, that had never even happened. Often she would ask why I had left without saying goodbye, when I hadn’t even been there. When I told her that I hadn’t been there, she usually accepted it, but you could tell she didn’t know what to believe. I was 14 when that started to happen. She always used to call me my mother’s name since I was little. (On accident because our names are really similar.) Then when she was really sick and in hospice, her caretaker asked her if she knew who I was and she looked at me and said my real name and we all joked that she must really be feeling badly because she actually got my name right!

 

[angel12]

I guess the older memories are the ones that stay the longest. My mom has forgotten my kids, me, my sister. She remembers my dad’s name, but doesn’t recognize any pictures of him.

That seems to be the case. The husband of a friend of mine has Alzheimer’s. He doesn’t know that she’s his wife, and he wants to go home to visit his parents (who passed on decades ago). It’s very sad, and very hard on the family and caregivers.

 

[Horton]

Right back at you. I don’t think anyone really understands what an emotional roller-coaster this disease causes unless they lose a parent to it while the parent still lives.

 

[guanophore]

…“I’m here sweetheart”. t’s not really lying,

Not at all, since she is indeed, here for her.

We were told by the doctors and nurses to just go along with what she says. I won’t cause her more distress to tell her “ no mom, he’s dead.” It makes her very upset.

They call it “therapeutic lying”. I don’t like the term, but it does work well. If there is a way to say something truthful that will work it is better, but not always possible.

 

[Xantippe]

Kind of like when you tell a volatile toddler “we’ll see” when the actual answer is “not on your life”. I don’t really think this constitutes lying, as it isn’t meant to be deceptive, but to calm and comfort a person who is confused and can’t really understand what is going on. If you still feel bad about it, you can use other, more ambiguous phrases such as “Brother Frank is working on that.” or “We’ve got that under control.” Dementia is really hard to deal with and you have my sympathy.

Yeah, I was thinking that it does sound a lot like situations we run into with small children.

I personally am scrupulous about not lying to kids (even little kids), but I don’t necessarily share all of the information that I have.

 

[Viki63]

It’s not lying. Doctors advise addressing the root of the patient’s concerns, which is whether your grandmother needs to go to work, and how your uncle’s business is doing.
So letting her know that she’s not scheduled to work today, and that the business is closed today, would calm her worries.
If a woman continually says she has to make dinner for her children, (who are long grown up) it would be best to say something like, the children are being taken care of and are doing fine. No need to say they’re living in other states and aren’t children any longer.
We get so used to keeping in mind what needs doing, that I suppose once dementia sets in, that feeling of responsibility just increases. Setting your grandmother’s mind at rest is a kindness. certainly not a lie.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

One of my dementia patients lost her husband, and she was told the truth, and went into total meltdown mode. It was so sad and she loved him very much.

Two hours later, she asked where he was because she had totally forgotten.

So we started telling her “he’s not back from the hospital.”

She adjusted much better to that.