Lying, Cheating, Gambling Husband

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Lexee15

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I just found out today that my husband has a girlfriend…oops, I mean two girlfriends :confused: I have also been dealing with his addiction to gambeling…which I didn’t know about until after we got married. He emptied out one of the accounts that we have and he didn’t bother to let me know before I bounced any checks. I spoke with one of the girlfriends today, she didn’t know about me…he told her he was divorcing and she actually has been to our apartment when I’ve been gone, by the way so has the other girl. I have a 4 month old son and this breaks my heart mostly for him. He has issues, he has a past, he has 4 other children with 3 other women. I know that I should have taken a clue back then, but he seemed so sincere, also I think the Lord needed me to learn tolerance, patience and acceptance. I used to be a very judgemental person…which worked for me cause it kept me away from people I didn’t think were good for me; actually I felt morally superior and wanted to keep those who I didn’t think were as good as me away from me…that’s what I get hu? :eek: I told him that I contacted a divorce attorney which I did, would I be able to annul this marriage…or am I being too hasty in the decision that I’m making…I’ll take any help out there.
 
Some questions:

Did he have these girlfirends (or others possibly) during your engagement/ dating period? If the asnwer is yes you have grounds for annulment.

Did he go into the marriage without the intention of remaining faithful? If yes -you have grounds for annulment.

Are you both baptized Catholics married in the church? Was he married to any of the mothers of his other children? How long have you been married?
 
As far as I know he didn’t have these girlfriends before we married, but I don’t know that he may have had different ones.

I can’t say whether or not he came into the marriage with the intention of being faithful, I thought he did, he certainly never said “I plan on being unfaithful,” but who knows!!!

We are both baptized catholics and we did marry in the church, but he is not a practicing catholic, he was baptized a seventh-day adventist and his family practices that religion…he doesn’t.

He did marry two of the other women…the first in the church and the third only legally. He got the first marriage annulled so that we could get married.
 
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rayne89:
Some questions:

Did he have these girlfirends (or others possibly) during your engagement/ dating period? If the answer is yes you have grounds for annulment.
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how is that grounds for anullment? while i FULLY understand that something like that can hurt, doesnt one and forsake all others from that point on? i.e taking a vow before God at the ceremony. as a corrolary, if one has not sacrementally forsaken all others, isnt seeing other people fair game?

otherwise an engaged couple would be considered “married”, and any infidelity would be considered “adultery”. which we all know is NOT the case. as far as i know, seeing other people during the engagement isnt a “sin” so to speak? there is no sacremental committment in an engagement, so isnt seeing other people “out of bounds” for the other party to have a say in?

i did it. my older brother did it. my youngest brother periodically has a girlfreind on the side apart from the fiancee. i guess our reasoning was that if we werent committed in front of God and married, then some harmless dating on the side was OK.

i mean, if the Catholic church is dead set on “protecting” marriage, why are they assigning “adultery” or “infidelity” grounds for anullment to situations that occurred BEFORE the couple had all the rights and priviledges bestowed by marriage? i.e. adultery and such? why are they teaching that only married couples can have married priviledges, but then handing out anullments for breaking a non-existant marital bond that they are trying to “protect”?

i understand that “committment to being faithful” is part of the deal. but cant one be fully committed AFTER the marriage has taken place. like me. not once have i ever touched another woman since the wedding. beforehand is a different story. afterwards, an emphatic NO.
 
I would seek the advice of your priest. It sounds like there’s a pattern of behavior with your husband that may be very difficult to over come. From the outside it looks like your husband went into the marriage without the necessary maturity to make a life long commitment “forsake all others.” It also looks like he hid his gambling problem from you, something else that shows his dishonety in entering your marriage.

If you think it is possible to save your marriage I would highly recommend a Retrouvaille weekend. retrouvaille.org/

This must be extremely painful for you. You have my prayers.
 
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BioCatholic:
how is that grounds for anullment? while i FULLY understand that something like that can hurt, doesnt one and forsake all others from that point on? i.e taking a vow before God at the ceremony. as a corrolary, if one has not sacrementally forsaken all others, isnt seeing other people fair game?.
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NO
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BioCatholic:
as far as i know, seeing other people during the engagement isnt a “sin” so to speak? there is no sacremental committment in an engagement, so isnt seeing other people “out of bounds” for the other party to have a say in?
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You must be joking. Did you wife, and your brother’s wives know that before you were married you “had a girlfriend on the side?” Did they believe you we only seeing them and that your relationship was exclusive? Because if they didn’t know then you were lying to them and yes that is a sin. (Not to mention repugnant.)
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BioCatholic:
some harmless dating on the side was OK.
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By the time you are engaged it is expected to be an exclusive relationship. Anything less is dishonest. Why on earth would you be seeing other women when you are planning to marry someone else?
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BioCatholic:
i mean, if the Catholic church is dead set on “protecting” marriage, why are they assigning “adultery” or “infidelity” grounds for anullment to situations that occurred BEFORE the couple had all the rights and priviledges bestowed by marriage? i.e. adultery and such? why are they teaching that only married couples can have married priviledges, but then handing out anullments for breaking a non-existant marital bond that they are trying to “protect”?
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americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/ac1002.asp

*** On what grounds does the Church declare nullity for some failed marriages?***

In technical language, the most common reasons are insufficiency or inadequacy of judgment (also known as lack of due discretion, due to some factor such as young age, pressure to marry in haste, etc.), psychological incapacity, and absence of a proper intention to have children, be faithful, or remain together until death.

These grounds can manifest themselves in various ways. For example, a couple, discovering her pregnancy, decide to marry; only much later do they recognize the lack of wisdom in that decision. Or one spouse carries an addictive problem with alcohol or drugs into the marriage. Perhaps a person, unfaithful during courtship, continues the infidelity after marrying.

In cases like these, the Church judges may decide that something contrary to the nature of marriage or to a full, free human decision prevents this contract from being sound or binding.

A marriage can not be annuled because a spouse decided to be unfaithful 5 years down the road. The intention to be unfaithful had to be there before the marriage took place. Cheating on your fiance shos a lack of honesty and commitment existed prior to marriage -if the pattern continues into the marraige it is grounds for annulment. We have already established that he was unfaithful during the marriage, I was trying to figure out if there was a pattern of behavior before the marriage.
 
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BioCatholic:
how is that grounds for anullment? while i FULLY understand that something like that can hurt, doesnt one and forsake all others from that point on? i.e taking a vow before God at the ceremony. as a corrolary, if one has not sacrementally forsaken all others, isnt seeing other people fair game?

otherwise an engaged couple would be considered “married”, and any infidelity would be considered “adultery”. which we all know is NOT the case. as far as i know, seeing other people during the engagement isnt a “sin” so to speak? there is no sacremental committment in an engagement, so isnt seeing other people “out of bounds” for the other party to have a say in?

i did it. my older brother did it. my youngest brother periodically has a girlfreind on the side apart from the fiancee. i guess our reasoning was that if we werent committed in front of God and married, then some harmless dating on the side was OK.

i mean, if the Catholic church is dead set on “protecting” marriage, why are they assigning “adultery” or “infidelity” grounds for anullment to situations that occurred BEFORE the couple had all the rights and priviledges bestowed by marriage? i.e. adultery and such? why are they teaching that only married couples can have married priviledges, but then handing out anullments for breaking a non-existant marital bond that they are trying to “protect”?

i understand that “committment to being faithful” is part of the deal. but cant one be fully committed AFTER the marriage has taken place. like me. not once have i ever touched another woman since the wedding. beforehand is a different story. afterwards, an emphatic NO.
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Rayne is absolutely correct!:mad: How do you think your wife would feel if she had known that you were seeing other people while you were making wedding plans with her???:tsktsk: Why would you even contemplate spending the rest of your life with a person ask her and on the sly see someone elsehttp://bestsmileys.com/angry1/4.gif
 
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BioCatholic:
how is that grounds for anullment? while i FULLY understand that something like that can hurt, doesnt one and forsake all others from that point on? i.e taking a vow before God at the ceremony. as a corrolary, if one has not sacrementally forsaken all others, isnt seeing other people fair game?

otherwise an engaged couple would be considered “married”, and any infidelity would be considered “adultery”. which we all know is NOT the case. as far as i know, seeing other people during the engagement isnt a “sin” so to speak? there is no sacremental committment in an engagement, so isnt seeing other people “out of bounds” for the other party to have a say in?

i did it. my older brother did it. my youngest brother periodically has a girlfreind on the side apart from the fiancee. i guess our reasoning was that if we werent committed in front of God and married, then some harmless dating on the side was OK.

i mean, if the Catholic church is dead set on “protecting” marriage, why are they assigning “adultery” or “infidelity” grounds for anullment to situations that occurred BEFORE the couple had all the rights and priviledges bestowed by marriage? i.e. adultery and such? why are they teaching that only married couples can have married priviledges, but then handing out anullments for breaking a non-existant marital bond that they are trying to “protect”?

i understand that “committment to being faithful” is part of the deal. but cant one be fully committed AFTER the marriage has taken place. like me. not once have i ever touched another woman since the wedding. **beforehand is a different story. **afterwards, an emphatic NO.
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Oy vay…
All I can say is, you are very fortunate not to have married into my family. We Appalachian Irish tend to http://bestsmileys.com/angry2/10.gif
Sheeshhh!!!
Shame on you!!!
 
So what’s the verdict…does it seem that I may have grounds for an annulment? :confused: I would also like to hear from more men…why do you cheat? According to my husband he was feeling lonely, abandoned and rejected, so he gave in to a weakness…mind you this wasn’t a moment of weakness, this was a since Sept. 2004 kind of weakness :banghead: Not only that I was about 3 months pregnant at the time…major morning sickness…what kind of understanding, patience and compassion is that? I felt unappreciated, abandonded, unloved, ugly, etc., but I didn’t go look for a different man to fullfill the needs I was lacking at home What gives him the right/authority to do that??? :confused:
 
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Lexee15:
So what’s the verdict…does it seem that I may have grounds for an annulment? :confused: I would also like to hear from more men…why do you cheat? According to my husband he was feeling lonely, abandoned and rejected, so he gave in to a weakness…mind you this wasn’t a moment of weakness, this was a since Sept. 2004 kind of weakness :banghead: Not only that I was about 3 months pregnant at the time…major morning sickness…what kind of understanding, patience and compassion is that? I felt unappreciated, abandonded, unloved, ugly, etc., but I didn’t go look for a different man to fullfill the needs I was lacking at home What gives him the right/authority to do that??? :confused:
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Oh Lexee, this man you married is horribly immature. And selfish. His “feelings” are a lie. He wasn’t man enough to exercise self-discipline. Your best bet is to find out what your options are with a very good lawyer. Then go find a **very good priest. **You need a solid spiritual advisor. You may or may not be able to get an annulment. I don’t know about those things. You can always contact whoever is in charge of annulments later. Your first priority should be your son and yourself.

See if you can get some good Catholic women friends to support you. You are going to need a good shoulder to cry on a lot. My heart goes out to you. I will include you in my prayers tonight.

God bless you and your son.
 
Thank you SusanL, all prayers are welcome, that’s what will get me through this hard time. My prayers are what finally led me to the truth, and it happend when the Lord felt I was ready and strong enough to handle it. Everything happens for a reason and the Lord and the Blessed Mother have a plan for me I just pray that I have enough grace and wisdom with thier help to figure out what that plan is…thank you and God Bless you. :blessyou:
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SusanL:
Oh Lexee, this man you married is horribly immature. And selfish. His “feelings” are a lie. He wasn’t man enough to exercise self-discipline. Your best bet is to find out what your options are with a very good lawyer. Then go find a **very good priest. **You need a solid spiritual advisor. You may or may not be able to get an annulment. I don’t know about those things. You can always contact whoever is in charge of annulments later. Your first priority should be your son and yourself.

See if you can get some good Catholic women friends to support you. You are going to need a good shoulder to cry on a lot. My heart goes out to you. I will include you in my prayers tonight.

God bless you and your son.
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Lexee15:
So what’s the verdict…does it seem that I may have grounds for an annulment? :confused: I would also like to hear from more men…why do you cheat? According to my husband he was feeling lonely, abandoned and rejected, so he gave in to a weakness…mind you this wasn’t a moment of weakness, this was a since Sept. 2004 kind of weakness :banghead: Not only that I was about 3 months pregnant at the time…major morning sickness…what kind of understanding, patience and compassion is that? I felt unappreciated, abandonded, unloved, ugly, etc., but I didn’t go look for a different man to fullfill the needs I was lacking at home What gives him the right/authority to do that??? :confused:
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Talk to a priest like Susan said and a lawyer.Nothing gave him the right to do that and you were not unloved,ugly ect.When he was doing this he didn’t love himself,or anyone else,it was selfishandif he doesn’t go to confession the risk to his soul is grave and he managed to get aid 2 others souls to a gravely dangerous state.
 
I know what state his soul could be in…and I weep just thinking about it…I hope he atones for his sins in this life and not the other. He hurt many people and he is selfish his thought is only about what will make him feel good and happy. I don’t know where’s he’s at right now, but I have a feeling he is drinking which is what he does when things aren’t going well for him. He looks for ways to numb himself. I always thought that when I had my first child I would share it with my husband, that he would love me, take care of me and be proud of what was coming into our lives…I got nothing, except arguments, doubts, lies and infedelity. I will overcome though for the sake of my son, what’s interesting is that his religion does not teach the importance of staying married and they don’t believe in confession so he will not have the priveledge of facing what he’s done wrong.
 
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Lexee15:
I know what state his soul could be in…and I weep just thinking about it…I hope he atones for his sins in this life and not the other. He hurt many people and he is selfish his thought is only about what will make him feel good and happy. I don’t know where’s he’s at right now, but I have a feeling he is drinking which is what he does when things aren’t going well for him. He looks for ways to numb himself. I always thought that when I had my first child I would share it with my husband, that he would love me, take care of me and be proud of what was coming into our lives…I got nothing, except arguments, doubts, lies and infedelity. I will overcome though for the sake of my son, what’s interesting is that his religion does not teach the importance of staying married and they don’t believe in confession so he will not have the priveledge of facing what he’s done wrong.
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I am praying for you and please if you just need to talk Pm me believe me I do understand, more than I would ever want to.God Bless you,Lisa
 
Lexee, my heart goes out to you.

I am in the process of getting an annulment right now. I’ve learned a lot about the subject.

Your best grounds may be the gambling; if he hid a major problem from you, he entered the marriage under false premises.

I can’t remember the specifics about his religion. If he said he was a Catholic when he married you, then returned to his other church, you may be eligible for what is called the “Pauline Privilige,” which is based on not “yoking yourself with an unbeliever.”

He certainly hasn’t shown the maturity one needs to be a true spouse.

Did he say that he didn’t want the baby? That would also be grounds.

The 3 requirements for a Catholic marriage are: Unity (i.e. fidelity), Indissolubility (which he may not have had, in view of his two divorces), and openness to new life.

God bless you - I’ll say a rosary for you.
 
I believe that the Pauline privilege only applies when the partner is non-Christian, not non-Catholic.

You have the right to protect yourself, your child and your assets. While what happend during engagement is not direct grounds for annulment, it could go a long way to showing the nature of his heart at the time of marriage.

I agree with Zooey’s sentiment. This sort of mistreatment of women (or men) angers me way past the point I should be angry.

I am sorry for your pain and will pray for you.
 
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Lexee15:
I would also like to hear from more men…why do you cheat? According to my husband he was feeling lonely, abandoned and rejected, so he gave in to a weakness…
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i dated other women while i was dating and engaged because i could. i was taught that marriage means marriage when you are married, and up until that point you arent entitled to the rights and responsibilities. my dad told me the day before my wedding “if you arent sure or you want out, we will make it right for you and support you”. it was also encouraged by the fact that she decided on a “no sex” period before the wedding. [please understand these were days before i have made my attempt to hang out with God again].

i figured if she had the right to refuse, i had the right to go elsewhere because neither of us were married yet.

i still cover for my youngest brother with his fiancee from time to time. it is so obvious that if she cant see it, wow. but i told him dont expect me to hem and haw after he is married. its his problem then.

what it comes down to is that if you look at me and my oldest bro, neither of us have cheated on our wives. fiancees, yes, wives, no. there is no “vow” you take while you are engaged to “forsake” all others, so we just assumed that all is fair. however, we take the marriage vows very seriously, and dont plan on breaking them because we gave our word before God. you just dont do that with engagement.
 
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BioCatholic:
i dated other women while i was dating and engaged because i could. i was taught that marriage means marriage when you are married, and up until that point you arent entitled to the rights and responsibilities. my dad told me the day before my wedding “if you arent sure or you want out, we will make it right for you and support you”. it was also encouraged by the fact that she decided on a “no sex” period before the wedding. [please understand these were days before i have made my attempt to hang out with God again].

i figured if she had the right to refuse, i had the right to go elsewhere because neither of us were married yet.

i still cover for my youngest brother with his fiancee from time to time. it is so obvious that if she cant see it, wow. but i told him dont expect me to hem and haw after he is married. its his problem then.

what it comes down to is that if you look at me and my oldest bro, neither of us have cheated on our wives. fiancees, yes, wives, no. there is no “vow” you take while you are engaged to “forsake” all others, so we just assumed that all is fair. however, we take the marriage vows very seriously, and dont plan on breaking them because we gave our word before God. you just dont do that with engagement.
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Does your wife know about you going elsewhere for sex while you were engaged?
 
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BioCatholic:
i dated other women while i was dating and engaged because i could. i was taught that marriage means marriage when you are married, and up until that point you arent entitled to the rights and responsibilities. my dad told me the day before my wedding “if you arent sure or you want out, we will make it right for you and support you”. it was also encouraged by the fact that she decided on a “no sex” period before the wedding. [please understand these were days before i have made my attempt to hang out with God again].

i figured if she had the right to refuse, i had the right to go elsewhere because neither of us were married yet.

i still cover for my youngest brother with his fiancee from time to time. it is so obvious that if she cant see it, wow. but i told him dont expect me to hem and haw after he is married. its his problem then.

what it comes down to is that if you look at me and my oldest bro, neither of us have cheated on our wives. fiancees, yes, wives, no. there is no “vow” you take while you are engaged to “forsake” all others, so we just assumed that all is fair. however, we take the marriage vows very seriously, and dont plan on breaking them because we gave our word before God. you just dont do that with engagement.
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Well, your right, you don’t make a vow to God when you engage, you just make a promise to your future wife…
If your not sure your ready to be married, why even bother getting engaged?
Just wondering, but how does your wife think of your dating habits before your wedding?
No offense, but even though your wife may had said no sex before the wedding and you were away from God, your reason makes you sound like a heel… I mean really… She wouldn’t have sex, so I have the right to go to other women? No, you have the right to respect your fiancee’s wishes and to be happy that you have someone you care about to marry. Not go cheat on her because you haven’t made a vow to God yet…
And I hate to break it to you, but your wife is your fiancee… If you don’t have respect for her before you “take the plunge” why would you gain any for her afterwards?

As for your youngest brother, your making fun of his fiancee because she can’t see that he’s cheating on her? Why don’t you tell her… and Just stop covering… I mean, I’m sure she will understand 👍
 
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