Lying, Cheating, Gambling Husband

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I appreciate all the advice and I will certainly look into all info. that has been given to me…another question, am I being a masequist because I’m actually thinking about trying to keep my family together? I look at my husband and feel sad for him, I don’t want to add to his road to distruction, to a possible loss of his soul. I know he’s selfish and I let him know that, but he turns to alcohol when he finds himself in bad situations. He suffers from addictions and last night in his drunken state he talked about wishing he was dead, that way he wouldn’t hurt anyone else…selfish? Of course…everything seems to be about what will make life better for him…but where do I fit in as a wife, even if he did screw everything up, when do I say I’ve carried this cross long enough, does he deserve my compassion, help and support? I certainly don’t want to be seen as the fool and I know everyone that loves me will be mad at me if I decide to try to get passed this and give us a second chance, that scares me, but any decision I make I want to make out of love and keeping in mind that whatever I do I want it to lead me and my family to salvation. I was watching EWTN this morning and I heard Mother Angelica say something very profound that I can’t get out of my head and she said “Sometimes we have to be and do the ridiculous in order for God to do the miraculous” I can’t stop thinking of this…could I just be fooling myself? :confused:
 
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Lexee15:
I appreciate all the advice and I will certainly look into all info. that has been given to me…another question, am I being a masequist because I’m actually thinking about trying to keep my family together? I look at my husband and feel sad for him, I don’t want to add to his road to distruction, to a possible loss of his soul. I know he’s selfish and I let him know that, but he turns to alcohol when he finds himself in bad situations. He suffers from addictions and last night in his drunken state he talked about wishing he was dead, that way he wouldn’t hurt anyone else…selfish? Of course…everything seems to be about what will make life better for him…but where do I fit in as a wife, even if he did screw everything up, when do I say I’ve carried this cross long enough, does he deserve my compassion, help and support? I certainly don’t want to be seen as the fool and I know everyone that loves me will be mad at me if I decide to try to get passed this and give us a second chance, that scares me, but any decision I make I want to make out of love and keeping in mind that whatever I do I want it to lead me and my family to salvation. I was watching EWTN this morning and I heard Mother Angelica say something very profound that I can’t get out of my head and she said “Sometimes we have to be and do the ridiculous in order for God to do the miraculous” I can’t stop thinking of this…could I just be fooling myself? :confused:
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Lexee I truly can empathize with your situation. My husband is a recovered alcoholic, he was unfaithful early in our marriage but I didn’t know about it until about 7 years after the fact. I can tell you really love this man despite his many failings. Only he can decide to change his behavior. And he will need the grace of God to do that. He may be suffering from chronic depression, especially since he talks of wishing he was dead. He needs to go to the doctor. This was my husband’s problem and it was undiagnosed for years. He tried to self medicate with alcohol, drugs, sex, porn -whatever lifted him out of the darkness for a moment. Before he finally went to the doctor I found a scar on his arm where he had been cutting himself. I was rocked to the core because despite our problems I loved my husband deeply and it devistated me to know he was in that kind of pain.

His recovery included alot of factors but one major one was being placed on anti-depressants. He was on them for about 4 years if I rememeber correctly and to change meds a few times. He also went to counseling. We did a retrouvaille weekend. We turned to God and began to follow all the teachings of the church. Now he has been off any meds for 2 years and things are very good for us.
I can’t say what your future will be if you choose to remain with your husband. I would first of get him to the doctor, secondly seek the counsel of a good priest, and get into marriage counseling -if he refuses go yourself. But seek out a solid Catholic counselor if at all possible.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk privately.
 
Lexee,

You are in a horrible situation and need to make some decisions about which direction you should take. My prayers are with you.

First off you have to decide IF you are willing to try make this farce of a marriage work AND if it is even possible realistically to hold things together. AND YES you could be fooling yourself big time. It is impossible to be completely objective since you are so much involved in the situation. You may want to consult with some close friends and be open to what they think of the situation.

Then, you need to have some very serious discussions with your husband (preferably when he is sober) to determine IF he is willing and determined to make things right in your marriage.

You can not possibly hold the marrigae together if he is not at least willing to make every effort to try and make things work. The problem is you have to determine IF he is being completely honest and sincere about his intentions. He has already proved to you that he can not be trusted by his prior unfaithfulness, so you are on shakey ground from the very beginning.

The first thing you must get from him is his solemn promise that you are the ONLY woman in his life. The other two absolutely positively must be dumped, and he must never again contact them and he must not pursue any other relationship outside your marriage. AND He must join AA and quit his drinking. How sincere and how determined and committed to this will be the key to whether or not your marrigae can be saved.

Miracles can happen but only with a lot of work and in your case most of the work has to come from your cheating spouse. Remember that miracles are “very unlikely” so IF it takes a miracle to save your marriage then in all likelihood it most probably will NOT work.

I’m sorry, but your spouse sounds like a real low life. Unless he shows a lot more character and a complete turn around in how he manages his life, it may be impossible to have a decent marriage with him.

Put him on probation for at least a year, and stick by whatever agreements that you make with him. IF he strays, and you told him you would leave, then you should leave. Empty threats will not work. You both have a very tough road ahead of you, and I wish you well.

To get a little bit of extra help get a miraculous medal, have it blessed and make him wear it for at least a year, it would be the least that he can do to prove his sincerity to you to keep his promises. I’m sorry, but I don’t have much confidence that he will promise you anything and I doubt he will keep any of his promises even if he made them.
wc
 
Thanks for your advice wc 😉 , I have thought about what needs to happen if I make the decision to try to make things work. I know his past and I know he has a lot if issues…if he is sincere in wanting a change for himself I want to be the person that helps him be a better man for himself and his children. I feel that at this moment I am the stronger person in the relationship, I feel compassion, sadness and sorrow for him…I’d really rather be in my shoes than his. I do have my dignity …not pride…though and if it does happen again I will not stick around. :tsktsk: We have talked and I’ve asked him to enter an in-patient program to address his drinking and gambling and I believe it will also address his infidelty, he agreed. We are just going to find out if it will be possible because of work, if it’s not then it will have to be some sort of out-patient program. I just need to find a program that is Christ centered in the Chicago area. He also agreed to attending Retrouvaille and hopefully some marital counseling to help us get passed the affairs. My only hope is that he’s being sincere in wanting to change things and in wanting to make this work…he said everything is over with the other women…I pray that he’s being truthful. Thank you for all your prayers and I am praying for me and everyone of you. Does anyone out there know about a place in the Chicago area?
 
You may want to try emailing Fr. Newton for a reference to a good treatment facility in your area.
Rev. Stephen Newton** (**spnewton@uic.edu**)**

uic.edu/orgs/newman/people.html
Fr. Stephen P. Newton is the Associate Director of the Integritas Institute, with specific duties related to the Public Service Leadership program. He comes to the Newman Center after spending one year in Africa and 13 years at the University of Notre Dame. While at Notre Dame he also set up The Center for the Homeless in South Bend, Indiana and served as Executive Director of Life Treatment Centers, a program for the addictive illnesses of indigent men and woman. Fr. Newton has worked in the field of addiction treatment for over 25 years, having started programs for the indigent in Portland Oregon, Chicago, South Bend and the African countries of Kenya, Uganda and Zambia. He has consulted in Panama and served on the Board of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Addiction in the United States and in Uganda. He also served on the Commission for Certification and Accreditation of the United States Catholic Conference, including two terms as president. His undergraduate degree is from the University of Notre Dame. Postgraduate degrees are from Loyola University (Chicago) and the University of Portland. He is a fellow of the American College of Addiction Treatment Administrators, a certified counselor and social work manager and has won the William A. Toohey Award for Excellence in Preaching. In addition to his duties at UIC, Fr. Newton serves as Associate Pastor of Immaculate Conception and St. Joseph Parishes on Chicago’s near Northside.
 
I would act on all that he has agreed upon as soon as possible. In the heat of termoil sometimes an addict will promise almost anything to appease you. You need to be very prompt in holding him to his word. It is definately a good start.

You should also get involved in al-anon. It will help understand addiction better and give a good support system.
al-anon.alateen.org/

ola-is.org/
(online support group)
 
:blessyou: Thank you so much for the reference and advice, this is why I’m looking for something urgently. :gopray2:
 
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Lexee15:
because I’m actually thinking about trying to keep my family together? I look at my husband and feel sad for him, I don’t want to add to his road to distruction, to a possible loss of his soul. I know he’s selfish and I let him know that, but he turns to alcohol when he finds himself in bad situations. He suffers from addictions and last night in his drunken state he talked about wishing he was dead, that way he wouldn’t hurt anyone else…selfish? Of course…everything seems to be about what will make life better for him…but where do I fit in as a wife, even if he did screw everything up, when do I say I’ve carried this cross long enough, does he deserve my compassion, help and support? :confused:
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In addition to seeing a good priest and a good lawyer, I would suggest you going to Al-Anon. Nothing is ever going to change as long as he keeps drinking. The drinking, gambling and cheating all go together as a package.

Do not let your maternal feelings extend to him. He is a grown man and not helpless. Any alcoholic will tell you that you will be the very last person who will cure him. Your son is the one who is helpless, put your energy into protecting him. I would not let this man into the house if he continues to drink.
 
I see you are thinking about taking him back already. This is way too soon after what you have described.

I think you should not even consider taking him back unless he has been “clean and sober” for a year. No need to cut him off from sex or from visits as long as he behaves decently, but taking him back should be postponed right now.

Al-Anon will introduce you to many people who have been on the “merry-go-round,” which is:
He falls off the wagon, you get angry, throw him out, he gets sorry, cries, and promises to behave, so you take him back. In a short while, he’s drinking again, you get angry, throw him out again, he’s sorry and pleading for another chance, so you take him back, etc. etc. etc. This is the merry-go-round you are both on. Don’t let it keep you spinning until he has shown that he has reformed.
 
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Lexee15:
I appreciate all the advice and I will certainly look into all info. that has been given to me…another question, am I being a masequist because I’m actually thinking about trying to keep my family together? I look at my husband and feel sad for him, I don’t want to add to his road to distruction, to a possible loss of his soul. I know he’s selfish and I let him know that, but he turns to alcohol when he finds himself in bad situations. He suffers from addictions and last night in his drunken state he talked about wishing he was dead, that way he wouldn’t hurt anyone else…selfish? Of course…everything seems to be about what will make life better for him…but where do I fit in as a wife, even if he did screw everything up, when do I say I’ve carried this cross long enough, does he deserve my compassion, help and support? I certainly don’t want to be seen as the fool and I know everyone that loves me will be mad at me if I decide to try to get passed this and give us a second chance, that scares me, but any decision I make I want to make out of love and keeping in mind that whatever I do I want it to lead me and my family to salvation. I was watching EWTN this morning and I heard Mother Angelica say something very profound that I can’t get out of my head and she said “Sometimes we have to be and do the ridiculous in order for God to do the miraculous” I can’t stop thinking of this…could I just be fooling myself? :confused:
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The best advice I can give you is to see good Catholic counselor. you need to sort out a lot of issues, and you cannot do that adequately through this forum, or your firends. You need a professional counselor to get through both the questions and your mixed feelings.

You have my prayers.
 
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Olympia:
I see you are thinking about taking him back already. This is way too soon after what you have described.

I think you should not even consider taking him back unless he has been “clean and sober” for a year. No need to cut him off from sex or from visits as long as he behaves decently, but taking him back should be postponed right now.
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I disgree with this - a year? It sounds like he’s at least willing to get help. You want to boot him out of the house but allow for conjugal visits? Ick.

If he’s really willing to try to get his life together I think emotional support is crucial. They are husband and wife for crying out loud.
 
On the gambling thing, you need to get separate bank accounts. So he does not have access to the funds that you need to run the household. PLUS do not assume anything, verify that he does not make contact with these women, make sure he specifically promises not to see them ever again.

Explain to him that he has to earn your trust again, that until he proves to you over time that his philandering is over, you will check on his whereabouts, check his breath for drinking etc. With time he may earn your trust again but for now verify as much as you possibly can. You may never fully trust him again, but that is the result of his actions. Try not to nag or dwell on his faults, but make sure he is keeping his end of the bargain.

If he is Catholic make him join the KC, and make sure he is actively helping out and attending meetings and events. You will know where he is at and he will be doing something positive. See that he receives the sacraments regularly. IF he avoids communion that may be a sign that things are going sour.

Your marriage needs a lot of prayers, and he may as well help with the praying.
 
We do have seperate accounts and have had them for awhile, this just happened to still be joint, but I canceled the atm card and if need be I’ll close it and open one up only in my name. We have talked about these women he promised that he has stopped communication with them, that whatever was there is over. I asked if they had talked since this all came out and at first he said no…I knew better and told him that if he really wanted this to have a fighting chance he would have to start being open and hones about everything. I assured him that I wasn’t going to get mad, I am a reasonable person and as such if it were me I would have to have at least one last conversation with the other man. He then looked at me and said yes, that they had spoken once, that she was angry with him because he had lied to her and that he apologized to her and told her that he loved his wife and wanted to try to get back what was lost so it was over. According to him she was ending it also, that she wanted nothing to do with him. Do I believe him…don’t know, I hope that’s the case if he really wants to give this a fighting chance.

I also let him know that he has lost all priviledges to privacy and that he needed to answer the phone, my questions, etc. until we reached some kind of point where we either move passed this or realize that it won’t ever happen and we go our seperate ways. I told him I couldn’t promise him that I could ever overcome this…but I did make sure to make very clear that if it happened again there would be no turning back. I told him that if he was ever in a situation like this again to remember that by going ahead with it he was make a deliberate choice to end the marriage, and if that was the case then to talk to me and end it in peaceful terms without hurting each other first & before he had another affair, he agreed and also said that he never wanted to be in this situation again.

I’ve contacted several people/organizations to help us get through this thanks to everyone’s referrals, God Bless you all :blessyou: and thank you for your prayers, I know that’s what’s given me the strength to carry on and accept His will, whatever it may be.

Oh and unfortunately he’s not catholic…well he was baptized catholic then converted and was baptized into the seventh day adventist church when his mom converted, but we were married in the catholic church. I pray everyday for him to come home to the catholic church so that we can worship together the way God and the Blessed Mother want us to…also so that we don’t confuse our children…by the way he doesn’t practice his religion either. Any advice, suggestions? :confused:
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wcknight:
On the gambling thing, you need to get separate bank accounts. So he does not have access to the funds that you need to run the household. PLUS do not assume anything, verify that he does not make contact with these women, make sure he specifically promises not to see them ever again.

Explain to him that he has to earn your trust again, that until he proves to you over time that his philandering is over, you will check on his whereabouts, check his breath for drinking etc. With time he may earn your trust again but for now verify as much as you possibly can. You may never fully trust him again, but that is the result of his actions. Try not to nag or dwell on his faults, but make sure he is keeping his end of the bargain.

If he is Catholic make him join the KC, and make sure he is actively helping out and attending meetings and events. You will know where he is at and he will be doing something positive. See that he receives the sacraments regularly. IF he avoids communion that may be a sign that things are going sour.

Your marriage needs a lot of prayers, and he may as well help with the praying.
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