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iwillrisenow
Guest
Hello. I have been away from these boards for a little while, but have come back because I don’t know where else to go with these questions.
I’m 34 years old (well, will be next month), single, and working full-time (thank God for that…finally) but with semi-benefits (e.g.- health insurance but no paid vacation days or sick leave which, unfortunately, I needed to take recently). I’m reasonably satisfied with my job- it’s challenging, uses one of my greatest gifts from God, yet is not something that I necessarily want to do forever. It pays the bills (nothing extra, especially with the minimal benefits), can’t complain. I live in a city that is OK- moved here for school and am not exactly happy (I really really loved where I lived before this and another place I lived in my 20s, which doesn’t make it any easier) but at least there’s enough going on. I recently went through a major health issue which I was treated for a couple of months ago and am still recovering from, so my energy level is not great.
The problem is, I’m stuck. For a long time, I didn’t think I was called to lifelong singleness, but here I am in my mid-30s not doing much better than I was in my late 20s and worse off than my mid-20s (well, minus the faith, that goes without saying). My 20s were somewhat of a period of major upheaval: I lost a close family member, attempted to enter a couple of high-status fields only to decide that the trade-offs were not worth the energy it would take to get there with little chance of reward (thanks recession)- not to mention discerning that neither path was right. I also made some big leaps to do things that I love and am passionate about (but nothing “giving” if that makes sense- more things that bring me joy but not big service things, which I have never felt called to). But now I’m stuck in a mediocre city with a mediocre job and income (I do love my apartment and I am fortunate that God has made a way for me to live in such a place alone in a safe neighborhood). My earning potential is stagnating. My chances at promotion and income increases are stagnating. I don’t really have any dreams left- I did them all in my 20s, there isn’t anything I want to do that I can do as a single woman (I “took a class” “learned a language” “travelled” “learned to tango”…all those things they tell us middle aged single women to do to “be happy within ourselves” or whatever, I did 'em all, haha). I’m starting to feel too tired to start anything new at this age, including a relationship and certainly raising a family.
I have no social life to speak of, yet knowing myself better than I did in my 20s, I’m actually OK with this. I’ve never been one to keep up artificial relationships for the sake of small talk about the weather every month or so. I’m not even on Facebook- I left it behind years ago (never felt right after college to be honest). Yet when I read books and articles about finding a spouse, they emphasize having a large circle of friends, a certain level of financial success and satisfaction, a certain level of general “OK”ness with who you are and where you stand. Some days I feel like I’m there. Other days, I feel like I’m very OK with not being this ideal that they seem to uphold, yet wonder if this means that I’m just not meant for the vocation of marriage. I know it takes a village to raise a child- maybe marriage and kids is just for people who are very social to begin with and don’t feel tired at the mere thought of keeping up with parental gossip, PTA meetings, and the return to high school that mommy culture can be. For a long time, I really wanted to give of myself, have something specific to die to myself for…nowadays, I just feel exhausted.
My socio-economic status is precarious so it’s difficult to find true friends and even acquaintances. There’s always the solidly upper middle class versus the formerly upper middle class now sliding lower middle/working class, the married versus the single, the majority culture versus the minorities. None of these things mattered to me as much when I was younger- I’ve connected with many different kinds of people and still desire to do so…but now I’ve found everyone else has squared off to their respective groups and I’m stuck in the middle alone. So I feel stuck- where can I even go to be more social, if that’s what I’m supposed to do? I’ve prayed on this, even with a spiritual director- help me find friends, Lord…but nothing.
Is anyone else out there in this boat? A few years ago, I could not have imagined feeling this stuck, like I was at the end of the line already, but here I am. Part of me wonders if this is some kind of spiritual test. Part of me wonders if this is a sign that I’m coming to the end of my purpose in this life and that my time to go is nigh (yes, I said it- it’s not the same as wishing it to happen…but rather resigning to it if it were to come…feeling like I’ve done all I can and there’s absolutely nothing left unless God wills it, in which case He will lead the way). Something good that has come out of feeling this way is that I really am at the point where I have nothing to lose- no disapproving family (I’m fortunate to come from a relatively accepting and loving “you do you” sort of tribe) or friends. No status to lose because heck, I never attained one in this life anyway. No “face” so to speak. Is this what dying to oneself is like? If so, what’s next? What can I do with all of this? Can it help someone else? If so, how? How…?
I’m 34 years old (well, will be next month), single, and working full-time (thank God for that…finally) but with semi-benefits (e.g.- health insurance but no paid vacation days or sick leave which, unfortunately, I needed to take recently). I’m reasonably satisfied with my job- it’s challenging, uses one of my greatest gifts from God, yet is not something that I necessarily want to do forever. It pays the bills (nothing extra, especially with the minimal benefits), can’t complain. I live in a city that is OK- moved here for school and am not exactly happy (I really really loved where I lived before this and another place I lived in my 20s, which doesn’t make it any easier) but at least there’s enough going on. I recently went through a major health issue which I was treated for a couple of months ago and am still recovering from, so my energy level is not great.
The problem is, I’m stuck. For a long time, I didn’t think I was called to lifelong singleness, but here I am in my mid-30s not doing much better than I was in my late 20s and worse off than my mid-20s (well, minus the faith, that goes without saying). My 20s were somewhat of a period of major upheaval: I lost a close family member, attempted to enter a couple of high-status fields only to decide that the trade-offs were not worth the energy it would take to get there with little chance of reward (thanks recession)- not to mention discerning that neither path was right. I also made some big leaps to do things that I love and am passionate about (but nothing “giving” if that makes sense- more things that bring me joy but not big service things, which I have never felt called to). But now I’m stuck in a mediocre city with a mediocre job and income (I do love my apartment and I am fortunate that God has made a way for me to live in such a place alone in a safe neighborhood). My earning potential is stagnating. My chances at promotion and income increases are stagnating. I don’t really have any dreams left- I did them all in my 20s, there isn’t anything I want to do that I can do as a single woman (I “took a class” “learned a language” “travelled” “learned to tango”…all those things they tell us middle aged single women to do to “be happy within ourselves” or whatever, I did 'em all, haha). I’m starting to feel too tired to start anything new at this age, including a relationship and certainly raising a family.
I have no social life to speak of, yet knowing myself better than I did in my 20s, I’m actually OK with this. I’ve never been one to keep up artificial relationships for the sake of small talk about the weather every month or so. I’m not even on Facebook- I left it behind years ago (never felt right after college to be honest). Yet when I read books and articles about finding a spouse, they emphasize having a large circle of friends, a certain level of financial success and satisfaction, a certain level of general “OK”ness with who you are and where you stand. Some days I feel like I’m there. Other days, I feel like I’m very OK with not being this ideal that they seem to uphold, yet wonder if this means that I’m just not meant for the vocation of marriage. I know it takes a village to raise a child- maybe marriage and kids is just for people who are very social to begin with and don’t feel tired at the mere thought of keeping up with parental gossip, PTA meetings, and the return to high school that mommy culture can be. For a long time, I really wanted to give of myself, have something specific to die to myself for…nowadays, I just feel exhausted.
My socio-economic status is precarious so it’s difficult to find true friends and even acquaintances. There’s always the solidly upper middle class versus the formerly upper middle class now sliding lower middle/working class, the married versus the single, the majority culture versus the minorities. None of these things mattered to me as much when I was younger- I’ve connected with many different kinds of people and still desire to do so…but now I’ve found everyone else has squared off to their respective groups and I’m stuck in the middle alone. So I feel stuck- where can I even go to be more social, if that’s what I’m supposed to do? I’ve prayed on this, even with a spiritual director- help me find friends, Lord…but nothing.
Is anyone else out there in this boat? A few years ago, I could not have imagined feeling this stuck, like I was at the end of the line already, but here I am. Part of me wonders if this is some kind of spiritual test. Part of me wonders if this is a sign that I’m coming to the end of my purpose in this life and that my time to go is nigh (yes, I said it- it’s not the same as wishing it to happen…but rather resigning to it if it were to come…feeling like I’ve done all I can and there’s absolutely nothing left unless God wills it, in which case He will lead the way). Something good that has come out of feeling this way is that I really am at the point where I have nothing to lose- no disapproving family (I’m fortunate to come from a relatively accepting and loving “you do you” sort of tribe) or friends. No status to lose because heck, I never attained one in this life anyway. No “face” so to speak. Is this what dying to oneself is like? If so, what’s next? What can I do with all of this? Can it help someone else? If so, how? How…?
I’ll certainly look into it. God bless you too, Mummsie.
