Manipulative toxic parents ! Help!

[thelightoftheworld]

Hi, my parents separated some years ago and they accuse each other to manipulate us.
I’m 18 and live with my mom currently. And I was convinced until then that she was the victim of a narcissistic husband (my father) but when I have my father on the phone, he tries to convince me that he is the poor victim of the manipulations of my mother…
There is a lot involved so it’s quite impossible to describe the full situation I’m in.
The thing is that each of them act as if they are deeply spiritual in their catholic faith.
I often pray the rosary with my mother and my father recently said to me that he was waiting for the final judgment so that all the lies about him would be exposed.
It’s been a while since I think about those things and I’ve never been able to quite understand the situation and if my mother is really the non toxic parent.
So it’s a hard case!
My question is : How should I discern who is toxic or not, who tells me the truth, who I should put my trust in (Jesus of course^^)… ?
Thanks for your help and prayers for my siblings, me and my parents.
God Bless.

 

[MariaTT]

There’s always two sides to a story. Both your parents may be telling the truth AS THEY SEE IT. When I was younger, I had a low opinion of my father and always saw my mum as a victim. Now that I’m older I can see why my father may have behaved as he did. They’re still together thankfully but have never been able to sort out their issues. I on the other hand, feel like I have learned from their experience and have a better relationship with my husband for it.
Maybe try not picking a side and instead pray for both your parents even though it may be hard to do. And at 18, try to worry less about your parents relationship and more about your own spiritual health and your future. God bless you!

 

[Pattylt]

Perhaps you need to set some boundaries with both your parents. There are two sides to the story and it really doesn’t matter who’s at fault…they both are!

I would calmly tell each of my parents that their problems with each other are their problems and you will no longer allow them to pull you into to them. Let them know that talking about the other parent is off limits and you will walk away or hang up if the try it. Then do it.

There is no reason they need to tell you about the others faults. Tell them, you love them both and won’t be a pawn in the blame game. Just don’t allow it to happen. Life isn’t a contest on who was more to blame. They are humans and had a marriage that didn’t work. It wasn’t about you then and it’s not about you now. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel you have to take a side. You should support both of them in moving beyond this but do not allow this contest of blaming to continue in your presence…

 

[AdamP88]

Potentially they could both be manipulative and toxic. It sounds like they’re both trying to turn you against the other parent. You should try to remain outside of their conflict and not take sides against either. If they are discussing these topics perhaps say something like “maybe you should discuss this with mom instead” or “it’s not really my place to get involved”.
It shouldn’t be your job to deal with your parents problems.

 

[cjsm93]

Fault can always be found on both sides in any relationship. My grandfather always used to say, “there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth.” I always thought it was a brilliant way of looking at things, because there can be some truth to each side, but you’re still not seeing the whole picture.

Given that you are still living at home, it is difficult to not get involved in the conflicts. However, I do think that as much as you can, try to avoid getting in the middle of everything. It is not your responsibility to take sides, and it is wrong for your parents to expect you to. I have had experiences with some toxic individuals before, and I can say that one of the best ways of coping is to realize how much control you actually have over your own life. When the conversation starts going sour, you can politely excuse yourself and go find some other positive activity to do. Are you working? If not, maybe get a part time job so you are away from that toxic environment for part of the day. Go for a walk and get some fresh air. We cannot stop others from being manipulative and controlling, but we can choose to respond to it in a way that is not harmful to our own mental health. And that starts with distancing yourself from the problem, setting boundaries, and saying “I’m in control of my own life and I’m not going to allow people to treat me like this anymore.”

 

[Peeps]

Is there any chance you can move out and live away from them? You’re 18, of age.

Do you have a job or can you get one? Do you know people your own age (or close) who need a roommate in their apartment or house?

Another possibility is to move in with a senior citizen who needs to have a young person around to help them with household chores and is willing to give you a room and board in exchange for your help and company. If you are the kind of person who would enjoy this, it might be an option.

School? College? Do you have money for it, or can you get the money somehow? Move into a dorm, or find a house or apartment and roommates, or again, live with an older single or couple who is willing to board you.

And there’s the military, if you’re so inclined. It gets you out of the house, gives you four years of “work” and pay, and earns you a lot of great benefits that will last all your life.

I just think it would do you a lot of good to leave the toxic situation and gain a broader perspective of life. I agree with those in the thread who say that there are more issues with your parents than you will ever understand because you are not them. Getting away from them and their situation will give you a lot more life experience and help you to understand why they are the way they are. It will also help you to form your own life-view and strengthen your own faith.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Actually, I agree with both Patty and Adam here.

Your parents should not be speaking negatively to you, about each other.

That’s not good, and is manipulative in and of itself. It serves no purpose, and it puts you in the middle between them, in an awkward place.

Unfortunately, it’s going to be up to you to tell each of them individually that they can no longer do this–talk to you about each other, to you–that it needs to stop, and that it’s not fair to you.

They need to be aware that this is happening, in case they are not aware of it.

I speak from personal experience, as both of my parents did the exact same thing to me when they were going through a divorce, and then thereafter.

I was around your age, and even younger.

I was mad and upset enough to speak up to the both of them.

My Dad had told me that he wasn’t aware that he was even speaking negatively about my Mom. My Mom continued to do it, despite my objections.

I lived with my Mom, so when she would talk to me like that, I would get upset and would try and get her to stop the negative comments about my Dad.

She is a Narcissist, and dealing with someone like that can be really difficult and challenging.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

It seems you would do well to specifically ask both of them to refrain from speaking about the other to you. Tell them you’ll love to talk about anything ELSE with them… but not about each other and you just want to enjoy your time and conversations with them, but not to place you in such an awkward situation.

 

[dollysro]

How is it the burden of a child to make sure their parents don’t separate?
Children putting their foot down and calling out appear as a tantrum and may make things worse.
They should tell each parent “You are talking about my mother / father and I won’t listen to you putting them down.” Repeat as necessary.
Praying for you TLOFW !