Marital Abstinence Experiences

[Princess_Abby]

I’m just wondering if anyone can share what positives and negatives they experienced in their marriage as a result of postponing marital relations for a non-specific period of time. We are discerning whether or not we need to do this for grave reasons and wondered what others could offer as their experience.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Princess Abby, I notice you’re not getting a lot of replies yet, so I’ll take the plunge and be the first one. Absence of sex in a marriage is a huge negative in my opinion. It certainly was a factor in my marriage dying. I know it is also the reason that a friend is thinking of divorcing, after 35 years of marriage. There’s just so much more going on when you are intimate than just the physical. You cannot live like brother and sister and feel married. You lose a vital connection.

 

[nova147]

Abby, I know you are pondering this due to not wanting to conceive again. My experiences are completely different, but I thought I would give my 2 cents anyway. My DH has, for a variety of reasons, had some difficulties with sex over the years. Most often, this has meant that we generally only have sex about once a month, sometimes less. For me, this has been very difficult. Of course, I have felt the obvious rejection many times, but there’s also the difficulty in turning off the physical/psychological desire. It has been a struggle for me, though at this point I do feel fairly in control of it (and DH is dealing with his issues, which is helping). I’m certain that it would be vastly different if we were in your situation.

MJ

 

[jennyr]

did your pastor instruct you to consider this option?

 

[Pug]

I’m just wondering if anyone can share what positives and negatives they experienced in their marriage as a result of postponing marital relations for a non-specific period of time. We are discerning whether or not we need to do this for grave reasons and wondered what others could offer as their experience.

It is not easy to do, but eventually it gets mostly easy. I needed to draw sharp lines in the sand. Absolutely nothing past a peck on the cheek or I couldn’t stand it. It was too difficult otherwise.

There are plenty of places for expressing love, joy, companionship, yearning, etc. But a lack is felt, if you let yourself. I have never tried living like brother and sister. Being truly married always remained at every moment. To do otherwise would have felt like death. You can touch your spouse like no other, yet still have it be a touch that does not lead a certain direction. Love is also expressed in the dance of waking up together to greet a day to be spent together, the rituals of greeting when you get home from work, pleasing one another when ordering food, the obvious delight one takes in the other, etc.

 

[StephanieC]

A positive: frequently revisiting the topic in discussion

A negative: frequently revisiting the topic in discussion

The beauty of nfp is that the decision to abstain or acheive is never final. A decision to abstain can be revisited in a few days, or a week, or a month depending on what surfaces during that time.

The downside is that every once in a while, it started to feel like that’s all we talked about! Usually, that would be right about when we were about to turn a corner in our decision & prayer life.

I learned so much about my husband & about the male sex drive in general…and I wouldn’t have if we did not check in regularly about our acheive/abstain plans.

Another positive is that I think our times of abstinence really challenge me (thank you, Lord) to seek out ways that he needs me to express my affection for him, rather than having the reliable shared experience of intercourse.

Don’t know if that makes sense or helps, but it’s what popped to mind!

 

[Princess_Abby]

Thanks, I appreciate these thoughts very much.

 

[puzzleannie]

I’m just wondering if anyone can share what positives and negatives they experienced in their marriage as a result of postponing marital relations for a non-specific period of time. We are discerning whether or not we need to do this for grave reasons and wondered what others could offer as their experience.

it is a simple fact that there will be times in marriage when abstinence is necessary, such as military service away from home, prolonged illness, recovery from surgery or childbirth, business travel, one spouse being required to care for an elderly parent in another town, etc. The key here is the couples’ overall attitude toward sex and marriage in general, and they better have or develop a healthy attitude during courtship and engagement, or early in marriage or they are bound for trouble. If either party buys into the popular cultural notions that marriage is primarily about “satisfying my needs”, “fulfilling me” or “making me happy” they are headed for trouble either because of this or other common issues that arise.

we have a biblical warning about marital abstinence from Paul, who says it is a good thing when done for a limited period, for a specific good purpose, by mutual consent. If it is imposed (or of marital relations are imposed) by one party or used as a way to manipulate the other person, it will do harm. If the purpose is good and mutually agreed upon, it can be very positive, as we have in our culture forgotton that there are many ways to express love within marriage other than intercourse.

 

[1ke]

I’m just wondering if anyone can share what positives and negatives they experienced in their marriage as a result of postponing marital relations for a non-specific period of time. We are discerning whether or not we need to do this for grave reasons and wondered what others could offer as their experience.

When you have a good reason, and your spouse is on board, it’s really not a huge burden (in my experience). Sometimes there was a wishfulness that we didn’t have to abstain that day-- but it passes.

My DH and I have had great communication and it’s really about setting expectations and clearly communicating so there’s no surprise.

I would hope you would study several methods of NFP and determine which one works best for you to have some days in the post-ovulatory phase-- conservative, but should still give you a few days each month to be intimate.

 

[KCT]

I’m just wondering if anyone can share what positives and negatives they experienced in their marriage as a result of postponing marital relations for a non-specific period of time. We are discerning whether or not we need to do this for grave reasons and wondered what others could offer as their experience.

Are some people reading this as postponing all relations for an indefinite period of time or just relations during the fertile time? Big difference! --KCT

 

[Pug]

Are some people reading this as postponing all relations for an indefinite period of time or just relations during the fertile time? Big difference! --KCT

I took the question to be about a longer time period than a few weeks.

 

[spiritgirl]

Any periods of abstinence for my husband and I have always been pure torture. Anything more that a week or two would drive us absolutely nuts, but then again we are products of the culture and are very selfish people because we cannot keep our hands off of each other. We have been married for almost 10 years and have 2 children and a third one on the way.

I don’t know that we could handle extended periods of abstinance and still live under the same roof. If one of us was away on a trip or had a health issues (like after the birth of a child) that would be one thing, but living under the same roof with the constant temptation to have sex with my spouse would be too much for either of us to handle without getting extremely frustrated. To be perfectly capable of having sex yet avoiding it drives us absolutely nuts. We both turn into real jerks when we can’t fill that physical void. If one of us isn’t interested, then that is OK. If we are both interested but don’t, then we have problems.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Are some people reading this as postponing all relations for an indefinite period of time or just relations during the fertile time? Big difference! --KCT

I didn’t really want to specify our situation too much, but another pregnancy right now would be life-threatening, so for the time being we really need be careful. We are willing to trust the CrM, but since my cycles haven’t returned yet due to breastfeeding–and most women ovulate once before their period resumes–we are very concerned about missing that return to fertility. Sophie is a baby that was conceived during a .05% timeframe, so the history is there anyway. We aren’t considering just ‘never’ being intimate again, but we are considering abstaining until my cycles return.

But, there are many things to consider about this decision, so we’re moving carefully. Fortunately we do have wonderful communication and both of us are talking very openly. We just wanted to get some perspective from those who have had a similar experience, regardless of their personal circumstances.

And yes, our Fertility Practitioner is working closely with us. We have not made any decisions yet and are just discerning!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Our experience has been more positive than some mentioned so far.

**Because of several factors (my health, hubby in the military, learning NFP…) we have had to abstain for various amounts of time in our marriage. **

We, too, are both products of this culture and placed an enormous amount of importance on sex. But we slowly learned what sex truly was (thanks in part to reading “the good news about sex and marriage”) and now realize that it is not the be all and end all of our relationship.

---

The most important thing is that both partners agree on the abstinence. If you have serious reasons to postpone a pregnancy then I assume your hubby would be on board with you and you could get through it together.

---

In all our times of abstinence we never once felt like brother and sister…we felt like a couple making a loving sacrifice and it brought us closer than sex ever could.

---

Malia

 

[apricot_yogurt]

It is amazing that couples are actually capable of abstaining when serious reasons are present, even though society will tell you that you will wither and die and be bitter and narky.
If it becomes difficult for you and your husband to abstain then you can offer it up for the ills in society.

 

[Michelle_in_KC]

Princess Abby, I notice you’re not getting a lot of replies yet, so I’ll take the plunge and be the first one. Absence of sex in a marriage is a huge negative in my opinion. It certainly was a factor in my marriage dying. I know it is also the reason that a friend is thinking of divorcing, after 35 years of marriage. There’s just so much more going on when you are intimate than just the physical. You cannot live like brother and sister and feel married. You lose a vital connection.

Wow. I’m sorry you have had this experience. my DH and I have had to postpone relations a couple different times. Of course, it was never long term (4 months and 6 months) but it WAS something we discussed EVERY MONTH to ensure it really was necessary.

Anyway, Abby, our experience was that we grew closer for a couple of different reasons. First, I feel we grew closer because we spent a lot of time talking when normally we would have been ahem…not talking. And when we were talking, we were talking about the direction of our family, talking about where we were feeling led (hopefully by God) both on an individual basis and as a married couple. Secondly, I feel we grew closer because when we resumed, we fully understood the whole “giving of our whole selves” to each other. I can’t really explain that part more…I just can’t think of words to do it justice.

 

[Sailboat]

My wife and I went NFP about 14 years ago. It’s awesome. We’ve had some major periods of abstinence and it’s character building and great for your marriage. I’m a very lusty guy and I love her a lot, which is why I went along with NFP in the first place.

The great part about it for a guy is that you get to recapture your youth and have a periodic honeymoon with your wife. Also, you feel more manly if you have control of your passions. The thing is, though, both spouses need to be on the same page. If one isn’t into it, it can cause serious problems. I know of one couple that ended up in divorce over NFP.

 

[renee1258]

After I had me second I was only breast feeding half of the time, so it always seemed I was potentionally fertile for weeks on end since my body always attempted to ovulate. The reality was I was getting more caught up with the fact we hadn’t had sex since “x”. We need not to caught up in how many times we make love in any given week or month, but dealing with what one’s body is doing and the family needs. There are couples who’s marriage is in very poor condition emotionally and spiritually, but they think everything is ok because they are having sex on average 2-3 times a week. So if you have to abstain, work on the other aspects of marriage. Eventually you will be able to have sex again.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Wow. I’m sorry you have had this experience. my DH and I have had to postpone relations a couple different times. Of course, it was never long term (4 months and 6 months) but it WAS something we discussed EVERY MONTH to ensure it really was necessary.

First of all, I had no idea that Princess Abby and hubby were wanting to postpone having another child.

My ex was a jerk. He kept notes, and one year we had been intimate just 3 times. He pulled out his little notebook while we were with friends, and proudly shared that info. So please don’t feel sorry for me. If I had to abstain for the reasons that Princess Abby does, I don’t know that I could do it. Maybe I could, if I had a decent husband. We’ll never know, since my childbearing years have ended and I don’t plan on getting married, ever again. The loneliness is a killer, but when I think of “the good old days”, I snap right out of it!!!

 

[StephanieC]

Ouch–what a terrible thing to do to you!

On a sort of weirdly unrelated tangent, however, that’s one of the things I like about charting: I have a little “I” for intercourse on every day that we’ve made love.

So to weave back into Abby’s OP, whenever I happen to wonder if it’s “been a while” or not, I can look back and count & guess what? Our monthly “totals” have averaged out pretty consistently through our 3 years of marriage! Pretty cool. (I think so, anyway!)