Marital act... in a mirror?

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alwaysn4ever

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Here’s a question, not for your personal opinion, but what you believe or know of the churches teaching. To get to the question first, I imagine it is okay to have sex with your husband in front of a mirror. But how about when the mirror and the two of you have to be positioned just right and he gets up to fix the mirror, and then to add a light. I know many people have mirrors in their bedrooms and coincidentally may look over. I want to be sensitive to my husband’s needs, however it just gives me a bad feeling. I feel like it kills the romance and make’s me feel more objectified than loved. I know my husband has struggled with porn in the past and says he doesn’t anymore… so a part of me doesn’t know if this is normal and okay sex or if it kind of disordered…
I know it’s a dumb question, but just would like some insight on the church’s teaching.
 
alwaysn4ever said:
… I feel like it kills the romance and make’s me feel more objectified than loved…
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This is the important part. The Church gives you the authority to voice this kind of feeling to your husband, and he ought to have ears to hear it.
 
The Church does not have a teaching on the matter.

However, he may have some sort of fettish, which might be disordered, and anything that makes you uncomfortable should be off the table regardless.
 
There is no problem with this, per se.

However, if you do not feel comfortable, your husband should concede and not push you to do it.
 
In my opinion you should listen to that little voice telling you that there’s something wrong with treating the marital act as though it’s a “show” in the mirror. Focusing on looking at it from outside is not unlike watching it on video…it would obviously be worse if you were watching someone else, but the premise is the same. If you feel objectified or ignored (as I would), you have every right to talk to your H about. Just don’t expect that he’ll be thrilled to hear about another thing he’s being “restricted” from. It seems to me that people who’ve struggled with this issue, have a really hard time understanding why something like this is wrong, because it requires delving down several layers into the depths of thoughts beyond whether it’s allowed or legal or whatever. God Bless.
 
Thanks for the responses. I do have a good marriage and husband. This was a one time occurance that I just didn’t know what to make of it. It is tmi and I should have prayed about it rather than posting.
 
alwaysn4ever said:
Thanks for the responses. I do have a good marriage and husband. This was a one time occurance that I just didn’t know what to make of it. It is tmi and I should have prayed about it rather than posting.
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All seems well in your relationship, it doesnt hurt to try new things to keep a marriage life exciting. its important, however, to communicate how it made you feel so your hubby doesnt misinterpret no communication as acceptance and “liking”.
 
I am generally against saying that things that married people do is lustful.

BUT, if lust is seeking inordinate pleasure from the sexual act, something like this could potentially qualify.
 
PaulinVA said:
I am generally against saying that things that married people do is lustful.

BUT, if lust is seeking inordinate pleasure from the sexual act, something like this could potentially qualify.
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Out of curiosity, do you routinely see people ask questions about stuff that’s more moderate than this? I didn’t think this was that far of a deviation for a couple that’s “spicing it up” a bit, but maybe I’m wrong.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Out of curiosity, do you routinely see people ask questions about stuff that’s more moderate than this? I didn’t think this was that far of a deviation for a couple that’s “spicing it up” a bit, but maybe I’m wrong.
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I was putting the former porn use together with the adjusting the mirror and adding the light.

I don’t really keep track of the sexual questions here - there seem to be so many. This is rather tame compared to some questions - I was just mentioning that this person might be trying to recreate something he saw in pornography.
 
PaulinVA said:
I was putting the former porn use together with the adjusting the mirror and adding the light.

I don’t really keep track of the sexual questions here - there seem to be so many. This is rather tame compared to some questions - I was just mentioning that this person might be trying to recreate something he saw in pornography.
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Ah, thanks for clarifying. I understand now. 🙂
 
Other than procreation the marital act is for mutual benefit and deepening of love between the couple. It sounds like this did not increase the depth of mutual love on your part. No one would suggest you participate in something which continues to make you feel bad.

One consideration is that men are more visual including sexual stimulation. With your husbands history of pornography, it might well be that what he was re-enacting something he viewed before.

What you might think about, and speak to him about, is this might be a substitute in a therapeutic way for him, meaning this role play fantasy might be enough to meet the need he has instead of resorting to pornography. If it is only once so far and at a frequency in the future you can live with, it might be a worthwhile trade.

If he continues to want to “spice it up” and the themes or activities have a trend of getting “more dramatic” he may just be substituting porn with live action as long as it will last. That would be concerning and probably a situation you could discuss with a good marriage counselor.

Good Luck, you and he will be in my prayers.
 
First of all I want you to know I do not have all the answers in this area…below is only my first reaction to your OP.

The marital embrace is about self giving/sacrificial love in an intimate way. I wonder about the mirrors when all of your individual attention needs to be on each other?

I know the Church has no teaching on this…does not necessarily make it a good move for a committed relationship.

Promise prayers for you.
 
alwaysn4ever said:
Thanks for the responses. I do have a good marriage and husband. This was a one time occurance that I just didn’t know what to make of it. It is tmi and I should have prayed about it rather than posting.
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I think this is a question that can very possibly be addressed with communication. It is not at all uncommon for one spouse to have different comfort levels than the other when it comes to expressions of intimacy and how they enjoy “getting in the mood”. The important thing is that both of you work towards a meeting of the minds (and hearts). If you both feel that the other one is holding out on you or pushing you into a situation that fits your spouse but ignores you, that’s not a good thing. It is better to come together in a spirit of mutual understanding, of meeting the other one where he or she is because you have a good sense of where he or she is, and both feel that both want to do what you can to achieve a mutual sense that there is mutual giving.
 
I hate to always use the “men are visual creatures” thing because the mileage for women varies on that too. I try to be more careful with my generalities in these days.

That as a preface, even recovering porn addicts (and there’s no indication that we’re dealing with that here) are going to be visual people. I am. I’m a recovering porn addict and I’m still quite visual. I’m just visual with my wife as opposed to “actresses” on a screen.

I have no desire, really and truly, to recreate anything or live out a fantasy from porn and I don’t even think that’s possible. Why? Because the escape of pornography, what makes it a drug, is the fantasy itself. What makes it addicting is that there is no real person there and I’m in total control of a fake situation wherein I can be totally removed from reality. Having someone else there kind of destroys that.

In a roundabout way, I’m saying that I don’t know that it’s possible for real life to be a substitute for porn anymore than porn is a substitute for real life. Certainly it’s possible to want to experience things seen in a porn movie in real life, but there’s just a disconnect between the two in my mind.

The question has been well-answered. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this but if anything in the bedroom makes one person uncomfortable, it should be avoided. Personally I’d be all about seeing my wife in a mirror but… umm… I’d be in there too. Why the heck would I want to see that?! And I can see her right in front of me thank you very much.
 
I konw the question has been answered, but maybe more opinions can help you gain insight as to what is going on in his mind. I would have to say that, as a guy, the mirror would be extremely visually pleasing BUT I would not be interested in using it at all. I feel that it would most definitely take my focus off of taking care of my wife and put it more on my own pleasure. Concentration is tough enough already and I personally don’t need anything that will potentially make it more difficult to maintain the concept of self giving and selflessness that we should strive for.
 
The_Bucket said:
…

The question has been well-answered. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this but if anything in the bedroom makes one person uncomfortable, it should be avoided. …
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I just wanted to chime in on this one aspect. I agree with all of your post except this, although I do think I agree in most cases.

If it makes one person uncomfortable, then in that individual instance, it should absolutely be avoided. But I think that both people should then consider what is leading them to their feelings about that activity. There have been times when I (or my husband) wanted to do things that the other person found uncomfortable, and while it wasn’t pushed “in the moment” as soon as the other person said “uh…no thanks,” we both made sure to think about:

(for the person who wanted to):
  1. Why do I want to do that? What is appealing about it?
  2. What message am I sending my spouse? Could he/she interpret it differently than I mean?
  3. Is that activity inherently disrespectful or unloving toward my spouse, or towards me?
  4. Am I intending to be disrespectful or unloving by doing this thing?
(for the person who didn’t):
  1. What makes me uncomfortable about that?
  2. What message am I sending my spouse? Could he/she interpret my refusal differently than I meant it?
  3. Is that activity inherently disrespectful or unloving toward my spouse, or towards me?
  4. Does my spouse intend to be disrespectful or unloving by doing this thing?
(Not that we write our answers down, but this is roughly the process). Then we’ll talk about it.

We’ve often found that the thing we felt uncomfortable about was actually totally okay, it was just something the other found new or uncomfortable. And let’s face it, when you’re naked, it’s easy to feel vulnerable and want to throw up boundaries that maybe shouldn’t be there. On the other hand, there are influences out there that negatively affect our perceptions of sex and it’s important to think about why we want to do something. There are a very few things that we have decided to not do based on that - either because, after reflection, we find them inherently disrespectful or just know that based on us and our “histories” that they would be disrespectfully meant or interpreted.
 
With regard to the mirror, it’s an utter non-issue.

With regard to the uncomfortableness, that needs to be discussed between the spouses. Communication is a necessary part of any successful marriage.
 
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