Marital issues in quarantine

[Molly09]

Hello all, brand new here with a rather uncomfortable question. I experience difficult pregnancies and really don’t want to be quarantined and pregnant, so my husband and I are abstaining for now. The problem is that he is very set on receiving other marital acts to completion and has been so upset with me about refusing in the past that he has threatened multiple times to end our marriage or have an affair. It is a very painful and touchy subject, and I have come to understand that if I refuse him enough times, he will jump into that ugly set of threats again, it’s happened that often.

Now we are quarantined and abstaining and I really don’t know how to refuse him these other things, or even to talk to him about it. He is a pretty lukewarm Catholic, gets a lot of his moral guidance from his preferred political party, comes from a barely nominally Catholic family with a non-Catholic mother who is openly upset with the Church, has no interest in learning the theology of the body, and is quick to become angry and disrespectful of the Church. He has left me to learn all of the facts about NFP on my own, saying that it’s my responsibility, and he’s too busy with work to help anyhow. So no, I guess he doesn’t know about the morality of this, but I think that he doesn’t want to either. He is an alcoholic, sober nearly six years now, and sometimes deeply resents his sobriety and me for insisting on it (this feels like one and the same with the anger over the sexual issue.)

I feel that I am forced into a place where I am knowingly committing a mortal sin by satisfying my husband, but I am so afraid of ‘poking the bear’ as it were by talking with him about why I don’t want to do those things, since I’ve been burned many times in the past by his anger. I watched the Urbi et Orbi address today and feel that I cannot receive the plenary indulgence because I am stuck in this sinful situation, even though it is not what I want to be doing, but I feel that I am sinning by being afraid to address it again with my husband at what is a rather vulnerable time. I sought counseling in the past from a Catholic counselor, but she just suggested that I do what he wants, because that’s apparently his ‘love language.’ I don’t think she was familiar with theology of the body either. I don’t want to allow my marriage to be damaged further, but I don’t want to sin either.

 

[humbleseeker]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I have no advice to give, other than what the Church teaches, and I believe you already know what that is. As a man, I’m really saddened that a husband would treat his wife as only a means to an end. I wouldn’t want to have a child right now either if I was you, seems you’ve already married one.

 

[childinthefaith]

@humbleseeker - times 1000 I concur.

 

[Viki63]

How would it go if you learned NFP well enough so that you could stop abstaining and have relations at safe times?

If that weren’t good enough for him, I would consider separating. He sounds too selfish to waste your time and life with. I would let him carry through his threats to leave and consider myself lucky.

 

[Lou2U]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What worries me the most is your fear of refusing him. Do you think it would be dangerous to your safety to refuse him?

I sought counseling in the past from a Catholic counselor, but she just suggested that I do what he wants, because that’s apparently his ‘love language.’

This is so very wrong, I’m appalled she told you that! The issue is not “your husband’s love language”, the issue is his abuse of you. He is awful - he does not care about your feelings or your beliefs, he manipulates you with threats and doesn’t care whether you truly consent to the acts or not. And this isn’t just limited to sex, because he blames you for his sobriety.

If I were you, I would find a number for a domestic violence hotline. I understand things with the virus makes everything much more difficult, but speak to them and let them advise you. You don’t deserve to live this way.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Reach out to your priest. They are not sent away, they are in the parish and working every day.

You ought NEVER be afraid of your spouse. Talk to a domestic abuse hotline!

 

[Anicette]

I am sorry that you are going through this ugly situation.

It appears that you have some moral incompatibility.

First, I understand that it is a smart choice to avoid pregnancy during quarantine times. Yet you have to think if maybe there is worst things than that. Some medical following is possible duing the pandemic, it is just unconfortable. Confinement would not last forever and probably ended before any birth…

Is your reason to “abstain” is because you think have real chances of becoming pregnant or you just want to be sure that you are not becoming pregnant? In other words do you have a proven effective NFP method for you, even with extended continence? Is your husband accepts extended continence?

Second, seems that your husband currently forget to love you.To coerce our spouse into (disgusting) acts is sexual abuse. A person that is acting out of love and more important respect the dignity of his spouse is able to restain himself.
To threat yourself with divorce or adultery is only a way to manipulate you.

What do you really want? What is the most important for you? To avoid marital arguments now or to stop what you are doing? You have every right to say “no!”. Maybe it is not clear enough for your husband. You can justify it, but you don’t have to. To say that you don’t want to do that and feel bad to do that is enough.

NOTE. This has nothing to do with his hypothetical “love langage”. What the counselor has said to you is not only uncatholic, but also a justification of sexual abuse. Do you have clearly said to her that you don’t want to do that? I don’t understant how something like that can now be said with all the stuff around the “me too” movement …

If you need support, go to another counselor or talk with people who are specialized in sexual abuse like other have suggest. It is possible that your husband need that a third neutral person (that don’t judge any of you) is here to understand your refusal and he has to stop how he is acting if he dont want to become a rapist.