J
Jaaanosik
Guest
When my marriage hit a few roadblocks I got confused. What’s happening? It’s not supposed to be like that!
I wanted to fix it but I was lost. At the time I was thinking, this can not be only me, there are other people that went through similar stuff.
True enough I started to look for books and I found Secrets To Lasting Love by Gary Smalley. The following lines will describe core principles how to build a healthy marriage that I found in the book.
A good interaction and communication is a corner stone of a happy marriage!
There are multiple levels of the interaction and communication. Please, notice that this applies in general to any people.
This is sometimes very difficult and people don’t know how to do that. It takes time to understand this.
It seems many people never get it.
- Once we know the needs of our spouses we try to help with fulfilling of these needs!!!
Mutual help to fulfill the most inner needs is the key to have a happy marriage!!!
So how do we get to know our partner? An effort!
An effort towards a discussion, an observation of the needs and the rest will come…
It would be nice if we shared tips how to start a good discussion, how to observe and how to go about fulfilling the needs.
For example: Do you know how your partner likes her/his coffee? How much milk/cream, sugar, …?
Don’t assume that if you knew a year ago it’s still the same. A taste can change. In that case check it out if it’s still the same. When was the last time you surprised your loved one with a cup of coffee/tea in your bed on a Sunday morning?
… or …
A couple with small kids goes to a party. Parents have a good time,… but kids get tired and dear wife comes to dear husband and says: “We should go home”. Well, on many occasions it means “We have to leave right now”! In other words it’s not a wish/want but it’s definitely a need. To avoid any misunderstanding it’s nice to have a specific wording or a signal that both know it’s an expression of this need.
… or …
I wanted to fix it but I was lost. At the time I was thinking, this can not be only me, there are other people that went through similar stuff.
True enough I started to look for books and I found Secrets To Lasting Love by Gary Smalley. The following lines will describe core principles how to build a healthy marriage that I found in the book.
A good interaction and communication is a corner stone of a happy marriage!
There are multiple levels of the interaction and communication. Please, notice that this applies in general to any people.
- Talking in cliches, smalltalk:
Beautiful day, isn’t it?
Can you believe all of this rain we’ve been having?
It looks like it’s going to snow.
It sure would be nice to be in Hawaii right about now.
I hear they’re calling for thunderstorms all weekend.
We couldn’t ask for a nicer day, could we?
How about this weather?
Did you order this sunshine?
Looking forward to the weekend?
I can’t believe how busy/quiet we are today, can you?
Has it been a long week?
You know, asking a question and not expecting an answer, … - Talking about facts (sports, events, family issues, …):
How about those Reds? Do you think they’re going to win tonight?
Did you hear about that fire on Fourth St?
What do we do with Joe’s grades? Should we hire a tutor for him?
Asking a question and expecting a discussion, … - Talking about opinions (excluding work environment):
No more examples because a topic can be more complicated. The idea is that people start to express their opinions about a subject of discussion. This way they open their thinking. We can find out who is ‘smart’ or ‘not so smart’
… This usually does not happen right away. People need to know each other for some time.
** - Talking about needs:**
This is a crucial area in order to have a healthy relationship.
First let’s try to define what a ‘need’ is.
The most basic needs are food and warmth.
In many countries 9-5 job of one spouse takes care of that but there are many places where people must spend much more time just to make sure they can put a bread on the table. Why is it mentioned here? People that have to spend more time working have less time to get bored.
Then there are emotional needs, a need to love someone, a need to be loved by someone, …
There is a clear distinction between a need and a want. Wants are less important. If a person does not get/fulfill a want then the life goes on.
If a person does not fulfill a need then the consequences are much more bigger, they can even be tragic.
An unfulfilled emotional need can bring a person on the edge of sanity.
A bored person can ‘lose mind’ therefore a need to be entertained is right there with other emotional needs. There are many ways how somebody can be entertained and people go a long way and pay high price to fulfill these needs.
This is sometimes very difficult and people don’t know how to do that. It takes time to understand this.
It seems many people never get it.
- Once we know the needs of our spouses we try to help with fulfilling of these needs!!!
Mutual help to fulfill the most inner needs is the key to have a happy marriage!!!
So how do we get to know our partner? An effort!
An effort towards a discussion, an observation of the needs and the rest will come…
It would be nice if we shared tips how to start a good discussion, how to observe and how to go about fulfilling the needs.
For example: Do you know how your partner likes her/his coffee? How much milk/cream, sugar, …?
Don’t assume that if you knew a year ago it’s still the same. A taste can change. In that case check it out if it’s still the same. When was the last time you surprised your loved one with a cup of coffee/tea in your bed on a Sunday morning?
… or …
A couple with small kids goes to a party. Parents have a good time,… but kids get tired and dear wife comes to dear husband and says: “We should go home”. Well, on many occasions it means “We have to leave right now”! In other words it’s not a wish/want but it’s definitely a need. To avoid any misunderstanding it’s nice to have a specific wording or a signal that both know it’s an expression of this need.
… or …