Marriage Advice Needed

[yellow8yellowM]

My wife seems to be in a constant state of animosity towards me. No matter how hard I try to be a better person, I still get treated with anger and ingratitude. We cannot communicate, and she has no intention of changing by reading or seeing a priest or counselor.

I am coming to accept that this may be my cross to bear, but I am asking for your advice on how I can help her passively. Can you please offer any advice on how to help without actually talking to her–this always seems to backfire.

Thank you.

 

[1ke]

Is this new behavior? Has she been this way throughout your marriage? how long have you been married? was she this way before you married? Has there been some recent change in your situation-- illness, death, job, etc-- that could be impacting her?

 

[dconklin]

Is this new behavior? Has she been this way throughout your marriage? how long have you been married? was she this way before you married? Has there been some recent change in your situation-- illness, death, job, etc-- that could be impacting her?

My thoughts exactly! The very brief question needs more support.

 

[mamaslo]

regardless, of her situation…wether it be changes to her or the situation. It sounds like you could use some methods for helping things from your end.

So if this is new behavior then you could learn how to help if she is ill. If it is how she has been then you could use some techniques on how to help.

Regardless, you could use some help with techniques…in boundary making. In the end, that will help you both.

I hope she is ok, and that you two will be ok.

 

[bscastro]

Have you asked her why she feels/behaves this way towards you? Maybe you’re doing something that really annoys her? I’m not saying that you are, but I often find (and maybe this isn’t the case with you) that sometimes my wife doesn’t tell me why she’s annoyed and I have to be direct in answering her, and then she gets angry that I didn’t figure it out, but after she actually tells me, then we can deal with the *actual *problem.

In any case, once she answers that questions - if she does - then you can address it.

For example, my wife thinks I “plan” everything too much, while I think she’s too “spontaneous.” She used to get resentful or resistant when I would try to plan our day. When I explained why I did that - to make sure we understood what our priorities were for the day - then she began to understand. Similarly, by understanding why she felt the way she does - e.g. she didn’t want to feel controlled - I tried to be more easy going about things. In any case, I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t ask.

Hope that helps…let us know what she says if you ask her and we maybe can help more from there, but keep loving her for who she is while you’re trying to figure it out.

God bless,
Bryan

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Pray a rosary for her every day. Offer your intentions at Mass for her. Pray to Mary and Joseph every day.

If she won’t go to therapy with you, go on your own. It will help you learn to deal with her in a more positive way, and to take care of yourself.

 

[Ophelia23]

I have struggled with these sort of feelings toward my husband before. I could see him making changes and I could recognize that he was really trying, but I still felt resentful. He would laugh, and my gut reaction would be to cringe.

Truthfully, it was as much my fault as it was his. These feelings did not just occur over-night. They were the result of several years of hurts caused by my husband. But what I did with my hurts was totally wrong. When my husband made changes and worked hard to be a better man, I should have shown more support rather than resentment. It’s easier to be angry than to acknowledge that your anger is unjustified at this very moment.

I guess what I’m trying to say is stay the course, but maybe encourage her to try to offer you the same respect. My husband told me flat out that I was hurting him, and that was the wake-up that I needed. In retrospect, I am so very sorry for how I behaved and I am grateful for my husband’s honesty and efforts. We still are working through things, but the key is that we are working together. :console:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have struggled with these sort of feelings toward my husband before. I could see him making changes and I could recognize that he was really trying, but I still felt resentful. He would laugh, and my gut reaction would be to cringe.

Truthfully, it was as much my fault as it was his. These feelings did not just occur over-night. They were the result of several years of hurts caused by my husband. But what I did with my hurts was totally wrong. When my husband made changes and worked hard to be a better man, I should have shown more support rather than resentment. It’s easier to be angry than to acknowledge that your anger is unjustified at this very moment.

I guess what I’m trying to say is stay the course, but maybe encourage her to try to offer you the same respect. My husband told me flat out that I was hurting him, and that was the wake-up that I needed. In retrospect, I am so very sorry for how I behaved and I am grateful for my husband’s honesty and efforts. ** We still are working through things, but the key is that we are working together**. :console:

:clapping::clapping::dancing:

Fantastic!

 

[yellow8yellowM]

Is this new behavior? Has she been this way throughout your marriage? how long have you been married? was she this way before you married? Has there been some recent change in your situation-- illness, death, job, etc-- that could be impacting her?

She has been roughly the same since getting married (6 years). I have pinned it on the stresses of her life at work, but even in the best of times, it seems like she can always find something to be stressed out about. There have not been any very recent developments to note.

Have you asked her why she feels/behaves this way towards you? Maybe you’re doing something that really annoys her?

I have asked her, and she does not hesitate to tell me what she thinks is the problem, but even when I try my best she does not appreciate the extra effort and still has the bad attitude.

 

[nodito]

I have asked her, and she does not hesitate to tell me what she thinks is the problem, but even when I try my best she does not appreciate the extra effort and still has the bad attitude.

What does she say is the problem?

 

[yellow8yellowM]

What does she say is the problem?

It depends on the situation. Sometimes it is housekeeping, sometimes it is financial issues, sometimes it is that I am too distant. But no matter how hard I clean the house, no matter how big of a house we buy, and no matter how much time I spend with her, it seems like it does not affect her attitude.

 

[Schieffelin]

It’s possible that she has depression or some kind of hormonal imbalance or something of that nature. Not saying it’s an excuse for her behavior, but it may be one important component.

You haven’t really give us much info though to make a judgement. Maybe you could outline a couple of specific arguments you to have had so we could get an idea of what the communication problems are?

Also, I highly recommend “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix. It may help you to understand your wife’s defense mechanisms. He also gives very concrete and practical exercises to follow and you can do them yourself even if your wife isn’t currently cooperating.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

You haven’t really give us much info though to make a judgement. Maybe you could outline a couple of specific arguments you to have had so we could get an idea of what the communication problems are?

I am reluctant to get more specific because I would like to know how I should act assuming she will be this way permanently.

Also, I highly recommend “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix. It may help you to understand your wife’s defense mechanisms. He also gives very concrete and practical exercises to follow and you can do them yourself even if your wife isn’t currently cooperating.

Thank you for the book recommendation.