Marriage Advice

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Searching_Sue

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Hello, Just looking for some thoughts and perspective…

In a nut shell, I’ve been married five years to a man that I’ve been with for about 9-10 years. We have two daughters 4 and under. I don’t know what to do… it’s been over 2 years since I started to realize that I think we made a mistake getting married (the reason why this took 3 years to realize is because we had our two kids rather quick and they had some health concerns which preoccupied up quite a bit - our day to day was spent focused on them so it wasn’t until they got better that we started to look at “us”). Our first child was kind of unexpected and our second was planned so that our first would have a playmate/sibling.

We dated for 5 years before getting married and those years were filled with arguments, break ups, and unhappiness. I don’t know why we kept getting back together. We got engaged because I threatened to break up with him if he didn’t commit and propose… which is definitely not ideal. I was depressed and jealous of friends who were getting married and were finding love. I thought that if I followed the same steps, I would be happy. We did everything right (practiced chastity, didn’t live together before marriage, used nfp, etc) but that didn’t bring happiness like I thought it would. (I now realize how silly that was…). We were in university and were both each other’s first boyfriend/girlfriend. Even two weeks before our wedding we talked about how we shouldn’t get married but it felt like it was too late to turn back.

In all our decisions that we make, he gets his way. He basically planned our wedding, chose when we got married, determined what house we would buy, what car we would buy, etc. I always voice my opinion and concerns but in the end he never listens. He just thinks that he is right.

After 5 years of this I have two daughters that I love more than anything and an unhappy and broken marriage. I’m living what i feel is someone elses life because aside from my children, there is nothing I like about where we live, how we live out our lives, our house, etc. I have no say in anything.

I hate the idea of separating as I want to give my children a loving home and strong parental role models, but they are not getting that. My husband and I haven’t even been sleeping in the same room for the past year. We are basically roommates that share parenting responsibilities… so we’re not exactly good role models now.

I feel like at best, I feel like if we were not married (and we had made different choices 10 years ago) we would only be ok friends, not even good friends, if that. Being 30 years old, how do I go on with all this weighing so heavily on me/us?
 
No matter your age, it’s never too late to do what you need to do to make things right. Does your husband know that he always gets his own way? He may think you agree with his decisions because you’re on board. If it isn’t clear to him that you don’t agree and are unhappy with him always getting his own way, he needs to know that ASAP.

Just from what you wrote I see these options for you:

First, pray and pray hard. Seek counsel from your priest about your difficulties. He’s there to help you, so don’t let embarrassment keep you from talking to him.

You and your husband need to be open about the problems in your marriage and seek counseling, either together or separately if you want to try to keep the marriage together.

Your last resort is to get a divorce and seek an annulment based on the fact that you both had serious reservations about getting married beforehand. If you do get divorced, be sure you get him to pay child support and that you have enough money to live comfortably with your 2 children on your own. Once a man leaves a wife and children he often feels no more responsibility and will try to get out of supporting you all.

I will offer my Evening Prayer for you and your family. :console:
 
Yes, He knows that he gets his way.

We’ve had exhausting conversations and arguments about this after every big decision. It’s not news to him. When we have to make a decision we normally want different things and it comes down to me caving to his wishes because he will not compromise and it’s the only way we will move forward.

I just feel so much guilt that I’ve brought two beautiful girls into this world and into such a messed up environment. I’m so scared that because I made bad choices (to get married, etc) that it means that I will give them a bad example of love and marriage and will in turn mess up their views of marriage. I can accept that my life is messed up because of my choices but it kills me to think that my bad decisions could mess up my daughter’s lives.
 
I am sorry that you feel this way. It is difficult when you think you have only unhappiness ahead.

Does your husband know that you are unhappy, or have you kept this to yourself? If he knows, what does he say about it? How did he separate room thing come about?

I think that before you keep thinking that this has to continue like this, or that the only other option is to separate and then divorce, please seriously consider counseling. If your husband won’t go, you go. You have to try everything you can before giving up because as you say, you have two children. People have survived worse things than this and remained together. Please, try counseling.

May God bless you and guide you.
 
Searching_Sue said:
Yes, He knows that he gets his way.

We’ve had exhausting conversations and arguments about this after every big decision. It’s not news to him. When we have to make a decision we normally want different things and it comes down to me caving to his wishes because he will not compromise and it’s the only way we will move forward.
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Is he open to counseling? If not, I can see how hard this is for you. Only a professional counselor could really help you both with this, if he’s open to going, that is.
I just feel so much guilt that I’ve brought two beautiful girls into this world and into such a messed up environment. I’m so scared that because I made bad choices (to get married, etc) that it means that I will give them a bad example of love and marriage and will in turn mess up their views of marriage. I can accept that my life is messed up because of my choices but it kills me to think that my bad decisions could mess up my daughter’s lives.
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We all make mistakes we regret. You can’t let that keep you in a bad situation. And your girls already know that things aren’t right between you and your husband. They will need counseling too. It’s going to be hard for a while, no doubt about that. But something needs to be done about the situation. I again encourage you to talk to your priest about this. If you don’t think he is the suitable person to talk to, call your diocese and ask for recommendations for family counseling services.

All the best to you and your family.
 
Do not assume that what your kids see in your marriage will necessarily scar them. In some cases, you are like the saying goes, serving as an example of what not to do.
 
He knows how I feel and he knows that things are good… but has no comment on how to move forward.

Also, I don’t necessarily think that there is only unhappiness ahead. I hope that this is not the case, but it is difficult to see much of anything in this position.

Thank you for the feedback and prayers.
 
Searching Sue said:

“In all our decisions that we make, he gets his way. He basically planned our wedding, chose when we got married, determined what house we would buy, what car we would buy, etc. I always voice my opinion and concerns but in the end he never listens. He just thinks that he is right. After 5 years of this I have two daughters that I love more than anything and an unhappy and broken marriage. I’m living what i feel is someone elses life because aside from my children, there is nothing I like about where we live, how we live out our lives, our house, etc. I have no say in anything.”

What happens when you put your foot down?

Also, have you tried counseling or Retrouvaille?
 
We don’t have Retrouvaille here, and I don’t know how readily available catholic counsellors are. I many have to approach a priest…

Putting my foot down does nothing…
 
Please try to get a copy of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Several month ago I saw it recommended on this forum and I purchased it to read on my Kindle, it was not too expensive. After reading this I felt that Chapman had a great clue for people with troubled marriages and the stories of marriages that were saved were very encouraging. If there is any way for you to read this book I would urge you to do so. I will pray for you.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Thanks… we read that book while engaged and tried things from it but it didn’t seem to work.
 
Searching_Sue said:
We don’t have Retrouvaille here, and I don’t know how readily available catholic counsellors are. I many have to approach a priest…

Putting my foot down does nothing…
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Contact your diocese. They should have resources for you. They don’t need to know who you are and no one will judge you. It’s like going to the doctor because you got up on the roof in the wrong shoes and so fell off. The doctor only wants to heal your injuries not judge you for getting yourself into the situation in the first place. It’s the same with this.

Moving forward when you feel stuck is hard, I know. But doing something about it is better than fretting over what can’t be fixed if you do nothing about it, yes? 🙂
 
Could you travel to retrouvaille? Maybe there’s one within a few hrs of you. Pastoral Solutions Institute (I think that’s the name) offers Catholic phone counseling. Also Marriage Disciples offer support via Skype I believe.

I will pray for you and your family. I’m in my own difficult marriage situation only it’s my husband who feels that he married the wrong person. I strongly recommend trying whatever necessary to save your marriage even if you do feel it was a mistake (unless there’s abuse or unrepentant adultery).
 
I was only twenty when I married a military man twelve years my senior. He did have a lot of demands and basically got his way for quite some time…
We did an Alpha marriage course which opened my eyes to good marriage. I changed a lot of my patterns and he responded well.
However my situation was different because I never had a doubt about us staying married and loving him.
 
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