Marriage and debt

[elohimrules]

I am considering getting engaged with my boyfriend. The problem is hes terrible with money. He has credit card debt and spends foolishly due to his bi polar. I would keep separate checking account with him due to this. My question is if i marry him and he has debt. Can his creditors come after me as well? Just curious. Thank you.

 

[puer.dei]

My question is if i marry him and he has debt. Can his creditors come after me as well? Just curious. Thank you.

Laws vary, so you would need to check your country/state/local laws.
More importantly, it is crucial that both persons be in agreement on how to handle finances before marrying. This is something you need to deal with now. Find out how you can both get counselling on this, preferably together.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Not clear where you are located, but in USA there are a large number of states (though not all) where both spouses are legally responsible for the debts contracted by either spouse after the marriage. Keeping a separate checking account, refusing to co-sign for him etc would probably not protect you from liability for his debts in those states. You need to contact a lawyer in your state (or province, country etc if you’re not in USA) to get the full, correct details. Even if you end up in some jurisdiction where you aren’t responsible for his debt, if he should spend all his money foolishly then you will be stuck with the responsibilities of paying the rent, utilities, grocery bill, expenses for your children’s needs etc out of your own money.

I agree that unless you both have a plan in place to prevent this man from foolishly spending money that should be used on couple/ family necessities, such as having his contribution to bills deducted from his pay before he gets any, cutting up his credit cards, and making sure he isn’t going to take your money or credit cards when he’s in the throes of a bipolar spending spree, you should not marry him.

 

[Retsel]

My question is if i marry him and he has debt. Can his creditors come after me as well? Just curious. Thank you.

Put yourself in their shoes, and then imagine yourself as one of the meanest persons you ever met. Does that answer your question?

Even if you answer no, a new clock will start ticking right after the “I do”.
From your description of him your credit would soon be torpedoed.

Plan, plan and plan some more.

 

[elohimrules]

Ive thought of just getting engaged with him but not marrying him due to his difficulty with finances and instability with bipolar. Just an idea. Pray for me as im discerning.

 

[Lou2U]

Why would you get engaged to him if you weren’t going to marry him? What would being engaged change about your relationship?

Please don’t marry him until he is stable with his bipolar and until he has sorted out his debt. His debt will reflect on you and you may become responsible for paying it off. It’s really not wise to marry someone who cannot control their spending.

 

[AdamP88]

My question is if i marry him and he has debt. Can his creditors come after me as well?

Depends on the type of debt and the laws in the state you’re in. In some cases spouses are not liable for debt, in some cases they are. In Ireland, for example, if you die with a Credit Union loan outstanding, the loan is written off and often the spouse actually receives a €10,000 cheque as that is part of the Credit Union’s policy. But if you have a Hire Purchase agreement on a car, that must still be paid in some cases.

He has credit card debt and spends foolishly due to his bi polar.

This is quite a serious issue, and I would be very worried about this due to the unpredictability of this illness. I dated a girl who had this illness for a year or so and in the end I just found it to be very stressful not knowing when she’d take a turn or attempt suicide (again) or what would happen next. It’s a very difficult illness to live with, both for the person and their loved ones.

I don’t mean to sound cruel but I would be seriously considering that issue before making any commitment to marriage. The financial issue is serious, but the bi-polar is a big deal. It will affect your everyday lives and the lives of your kids.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Ive thought of just getting engaged with him but not marrying him due to his difficulty with finances and instability with bipolar. Just an idea.

Why? You don’t get engaged to somebody you’re not planning to get married to. That’s not fair to them and it’s pointless for you to waste your time like that.

 

[1ke]

The problem is hes terrible with money. He has credit card debt and spends foolishly due to his bi polar.

Perhaps marrying someone with the mental illness of bi-polar disorder who you know is irresponsible with money may be unwise. That is a lifelong serious mental illness, and may not be the best for a husband, parent of your children, and partner in life. Something to consider. Especially if he is not able to manage daily living in a responsible way.

My question is if i marry him and he has debt. Can his creditors come after me as well?

That is a question for a lawyer. This varies by state. Some yes, some no.

You need to speak to an attorney, and a good counselor about how you would set up finances, perhaps even setting up a trust over which you have control and he does not. And, he would receive money for spending. However, you cannot control him taking out credit cards if the companies are willing to give them to him. And, you may be liable for the debt, as well as medical debt-- so talk to a lawyer.

 

[1ke]

Ive thought of just getting engaged with him but not marrying him due to his difficulty with finances and instability with bipolar. Just an idea.

That is a terrible idea. Unfair to him, and it really makes NO sense.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

If he spends foolishly and unpredictably due to a mental illness then you really should suspend all romantic intentions until he could get the illness under control. If this doesn’t happen then he isn’t a good candidate to be a husband and father.

 

[AdamP88]

If he spends foolishly and unpredictably due to a mental illness then you really should suspend all romantic intentions until he could get the illness under control.

Definitely. The issue with Bi-Polar type disorders is that the person often takes their medication until they feel ok and then decides they’re cured and stops. Often resulting in a massive episode. As I said it’s a very unpredictable illness.
And on the really extreme end of the scale, I knew a guy who was killed by his lodger because the man had an underlying mental illness and a doctor who had never treated him before decided to take him off his meds. I’m not trying to be overdramatic here but this guy had never done anything dangerous before and there was no reason to believe that he could be dangerous. But the result of removing his meds was a massive psychotic episode that resulted in him thinking that his housemate was a demon.
My point is it’s unpredictable.

If this doesn’t happen then he isn’t a good candidate to be a husband and father.

This is also true. I really think you should be asking yourself if you want to be married to someone with this illness as it will have serious ramifications for your life and the lives of any future kids.
And while situations like the extreme situation I’ve described above aren’t hugely common, psychotic breaks can be quite common with these illnesses and they can have a hugely disruptive impact on family life.

Even my own limited experience of dating a girl with this illness for about a year, she had one major psychotic break in that time and attempted suicide. And we were in contact for a bit after that and the next year she was hospitalised for a few months to get her back to a good place in terms of mental health. I was fond of this person and I still pray for her. But on consideration, I just didn’t think it was a good idea to pursue marriage with her. I’m not even sure if she would have been capable of giving consent to marry at that time.

 

[Anicette]

My question is if i marry him and he has debt. Can his creditors come after me as well? Just curious. Thank you.

It is not a question of curiosity!!!
This question is unavoidable and fundamental: you absolutely NEED the answer before marry him.

The money question is one of the main origin of marital conflit. Don’t take it lightly. You are at risk of bankruptcy and high debt.

You are not on a law forum. You need to see what your local laws are and ask a lawyer if necessary.

 

[TomH1]

The first question you should ask is whether this man is suited, due to his mental health, for marriage and family life. It would be cruel to say all those with mental health conditions could not marry, but you need to look at your individual case. This is probably something you cannot do alone but will require experts in mental health and a spiritual director.

If marriage is a possibility I recommend you look at a realistic plan to get him out of debt. I don’t know where you live but here in the UK there are a number of charitable organisations that help those in debt. That doesn’t mean they pay the debt for you but they help those in debt set up realistic repayment plans with creditors.

Once he is free of debt and you decide to marry it would be a good idea if you were to manage the household finances. It is not unusual in a marriage for one spouse to do this. It would be sensible given these circumstances for you to be the household budget holder.

As I said above it would be a good idea for him to be out of debt before you marry. However, if you were to marry him before he was out of debt you may be held jointly liable for it depending on the laws of your jurisdiction. Therefore, you should consult a lawyer, with expertise and experience in this area of the law, and be advised.

 

[Anicette]

I don’t know the answer, but is it possible that due to his illness he an have some legal protection so that he cannot manage his money alone but with a guardian?

Is that something that would be an acceptable option for him?
For you?

And OP, the ony pupose of engagement is to break it with a marriage. It is not a state that should long forever. My guess is that you want to engaged with him to make the relationship official but are not strenght enough to break up with him o accepted him with his condition. And what after? Would you leave him in 10 years to have children with someone else? It seems not fair for everybody.
As catholics we cab only encourage you to lean more on marriage on a Catholic perspective and discern more.

For thoses you think that bi polar is an “issue” that can be fixed. At my little knowledge, no. It is people who will have good time and very bad time, at different level, but it is not something that you can be sure to be cured at one point forever.

 

[AdamP88]

I don’t know the answer, but is it possible that due to his illness he an have some legal protection so that he cannot manage his money alone but with a guardian?

If that’s the case then I would seriously wonder about his ability to give consent to marry.
Also, you don’t sign up to be someone’s guardian in marriage, that is a huge extra burden for a spouse to bear.

 

[AdamP88]

For thoses you think that bi polar is an “issue” that can be fixed. At my little knowledge, no. It is people who will have good time and very bad time, at different level, but it is not something that you can be sure to be cured at one point forever.

Totally agree. In my experience it’s a lifelong struggle. Though some people do improve as they age. But this is not always the case.

 

[TheLittleLady]

ONLY marry if you are prepared for this to be your life, watching his spending like a hawk, handling all of the financial matters for your family, finding new credit cards that you did not know about, going to the ATM and there is a zero balance, etc. If you can live a happily married life with him exactly as he is today, marry.

If not, if you do not want the blinding razorblade rollercoaster that is a spouse who has no boundries with finances, then go with your gut. (Can you tell that I have had experience in this area? My wonderful husband had one weakness, money. I’ve had wages garnished, cars seized, for debts about which I knew nothing.)

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

One of my best friends husband has bipolar depression.

It’s been an extremely chaotic life.
She never gets to relax.
And I mean never.

 

[Anicette]

Anicette:

I don’t know the answer, but is it possible that due to his illness he an have some legal protection so that he cannot manage his money alone but with a guardian?

If that’s the case then I would seriously wonder about his ability to give consent to marry.
Also, you don’t sign up to be someone’s guardian in marriage, that is a huge extra burden for a spouse to bear.

I agree that it would be an extra burden to bear for a spouse. the “guardian” may be the spouse wich is the easier option or someone else.

I think there may be suspicion if someone has a “guardian” that he is able to marry, but it may not be always the case. Some people who have some degree of guardianship can legally marry in my country with or without the consent of the guardian depend of the situation. And our vicar cannot marry us because the same day he was celebrating the marriage of a woman who has some cognitive limit (down syndrome).

And i never heard that bi polar trouble are at average an impediment to marriage (know someone who is), even if i agree that It may be, in some situations.