Marriage and intimacy

[weesa]

My husband is catholic and I’m starting RCIA classes in the fall and I have a question regarding intimacy in marriage. Is there any reason to be “fasting” from intimacy for a prolonged period and if so, should it first be discussed between the couple, etc?
My husband has completely abstained from ANY type of intimacy for over six months and recently after I brought up the subject, said he’s working things out regarding sexual addiction issues from the past and is called to abstain until his issues are resolved.
No communication regarding it until I finally asked questions.
Any advice, comments, insight on how to go forward with this etc.
anything would be greatly appreciated!

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You and your husband haven’t been intimate in six months, but you haven’t talked about it until now? That seems very strange.

Is there any reason to be “fasting” from intimacy for a prolonged period and if so, should it first be discussed between the couple, etc?

There could certainly be reasons, such as illness or postponing pregnancy. But it should be by mutual consent, and so it should definitely be discussed between the couple. Six months is a very long time. It is not right to deprive one’s spouse, especially for such a an extended period. You and he should have a real discussion about it; and counseling would be in order, too, especially if he struggles or has struggled with sexual addictions.

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

Sex/porn addiction has been rejected for inclusion in the DSM several times by the APA, most recently twice in 2012 in large part because brain imaging doesn’t show addiction-like responses to sex.

However, that has not stopped the sex addiction treatment industry and their snake oil salesmen from taking advantage of desperate people, taking their money, and screwing with their relationships.

Sexual fasting/celibacy contracts are part of Patrick Carnes’ method (the primary secular approach), and as his method has been appropriated by his religious counterparts, it’s a pretty accepted thing.

Be careful. This stuff is based more on a 12 step self-help philosophy than on modern addiction and compulsion science. The final step is often to label the partner a “co-addict” as an excuse to put her in treatment too ($$$).

Talk to a real counselor about what is going on with him and how you can handle it.

 

[1ke]

Is there any reason to be “fasting” from intimacy for a prolonged period and if so, should it first be discussed between the couple, etc?

Some people do this for prayer reasons. And, yes it should be a mutually agreed upon thing. If one spouse has no interest in doing this, the other spouse would need to engage in relations.

My husband has completely abstained from ANY type of intimacy for over six months and recently after I brought up the subject, said he’s working things out regarding sexual addiction issues from the past and is called to abstain until his issues are resolved.

He may need some therapy, but this is not something he can decide unilaterally. And, as half of the marriage, it is not something he can do in isolation from you. If he has been told by a therapist he needs to abstain, then you need to be part of that discussion and understand the treatment plan.

Any advice, comments, insight on how to go forward with this etc.

Yes, insist he communicate. This is NOT a Catholic teaching - that one party in a marriage can just up and decide “no intimacy”. The opposite in fact. The marital duty is a grave obligation.

That said, if he really has an issue then he should bring you in on the treatment plan with his therapist. If this is some sort of DIY plan he’s come up with, insist that you see a counselor together.

 

[Anicette]

If you found no reasons which indicate that he could be lying to you, such as to hide an adultery, I think the best you can do is to support himself. Even if it is hard for you.

But until your husband feels that he has resolved his sexual issues, he must show you consideration and tenderness. Contrary to others people here, I am not find that 6 mouths is a long time compared the many decades you will spend together.

He perhaps has not talk to you until now because he could have think you would have opposed or mocked is decision.

It will not be find to try to coerce him to have sex by invocation of marital debt. More, it could be very ineffective and couterproductive. He can ressent you and always feel that his issues will never be fixed.

Perhaps his approach will not worked, but it is best he try. perhaps you can talk about what the limit in time can be, and agree to fix a limit date before he try another approcah such as a therapy.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Is it possible he is gay and has just reached a point of not being able to live with himself in dishonesty over it any more? I hope that isn’t too blunt. When I read your post, my first thought is that he may have someone on the side. Then the possibility of homosexuality crossed my mind. It happens. The people I know it happened to went through an experience similar to what you describe.

I would suggest communication first. It that fails, then marriage counseling. You need to find out what is going on. You are married to him. The explanation he gave you doesn’t seem completely honest to me (as in there are too many missing pieces).

 

[Ron_Conte]

Catholic teaching is that the spouses owe a marriage debt to each other, the obligation to have marital relations, with mutual consent, and not to abstain for lengthy periods, without a proportionate reason. He has a reason for abstaining, but he should not be unilaterally imposing this on you, as he owes you the debt. A six month period of abstaining generally requires a grave reason, unless both spouses wish to abstain for good reasons.

 

[Reuben_J]

There could be more than meet the eye. It is good to talk it over to go into the depth of it. However, this is an area that you may want to tread carefully and gently and not make it seen as if you are pushing for it.

If indeed there is more to it, then professional help may be needed. I am just musing over the possibility.

 

[Allegra]

Porn addiction may differ from chemical addictions in a lot of ways, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a real problem. (Otherwise, people wouldn’t be desperate in order to be taken advantage of.) There are legitimate therapists out there to help with this sort of problem, but I agree it doesn’t sound like the OPs husband has found one. First of all, a real therapist would not encourage the OPs husband to commit to celibacy for an indefinite amount of time without explaining it to his wife. That’s just another form of crazy as well as borderline emotionally abusive. I would be asking some serious questions such as, where and with whom is he “working out” these issues? How long is this prescribed celibacy supposed to last? One can permanently cut heroin or alcohol out of their lives and be completely healthy. One cannot healthily cut out intimacy with their spouse. I would be concerned about any method that considers permanent celibacy a “cure”.

 

[Anicette]

I found that your hypothesis is very premature and offensive at this stage.

It might be the case. But nothing indicate that in the question.

and the Op can consider of all the possibilties herself.

Link 6 mouths of abstinence and hidden SSA or even a relation with an other man? What more?

thoses situations are certainly not as unfrequent as you may think.