Marriage and war?

[gao280]

Let’s say I could volunteer to go fight a war for a very important cause. If I decided to go, without being forced to do so in any way, it would mean that I’m accepting the possibility of dying for the cause. And like any other war, my side could lose the conflict, thus incurring in failure. Obviously, I would hope that my cause wins, but I would have to be prepared for a loss, knowing that it’s better to be defeated while battling for a righteous cause than to win together with the evil side. After all, my death/loss wouldn’t make society worse than it was before I volunteered.

Compare the decision to volunteer in a war with the voluntary decision to get married. Marriage can fail as well (and it does, quite often, in our society!). Just like it would be very irresponsible to go off to war without thinking about the risks for one’s life that it entails, I think it would be incautious to get married while ignoring the fact that your partner may divorce you some time in the future (maybe 10, 20, 40 years later, or hopefully never). However, while dying for a good cause is often a well-worth sacrifice (although very unfortunate and dolorous), ending up in divorce is not, as it would have been better to never having gotten married in the first place. In fact, nobody has any benefit from a union that has failed (not the spouses, not society, and certainly not the children). A divorce could even weaken one’s faith and endanger one’s relationship with God!
This becomes particularly evident in the case I have some children from the marriage. While I am offering all my time, love, and resources for my family (and thus making myself very exposed to risk of losing it all), they will experience a huge pain if I fail.

So here’s my question, but first let me make the disclaimer that I’m not considering cohabitation as an alternative to marriage, as I don’t think that would make things any better. The only alternatives that I am considering for my life are marriage or celibate/consecrated life.

How can I get married if I can’t, in good conscience, accept the potential negative consequences that the failure of my union could have on my family, my community, society as a whole and on myself?

 

[Reuben_J]

Well said. I suppose you are not married.

I agree with what you said.

I would say, depending on your call to a vocation - celibate or marriage, I suggest that you do not be afraid of them, as you are now.

Here’s the reason why.

In Catholicism, marriage is a Sacrament, meaning it is God’s grace. You can say it is a gift from God.

Can God fail in his grace? Think about it. No, He cannot fail. Human fail, not God.

Thus when we choose the covenant of marriage, we are choosing God’s grace (in a Sacrament) that cannot fail, because God is with us (in our marriage).

There are many sacramental marriages that last. There are exceptions of course but most do last.

Secular world and its influence on us make marriage looks bad and give it a bad name, but it is not so in God’s plan.

So be encouraged - believe that God would bless marriages for the good of the couple.

God bless.

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

You can’t. You’ll either find someone you trust and are willing to risk everything for, or you won’t

You aren’t exactly in a unique position here.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Then don’t get married

 

[Elf01]

I actually feel the same. I’d want to be prepared in case it didn’t work out.

 

[1ke]

How can I get married if I can’t, in good conscience, accept the potential negative consequences that the failure of my union could have on my family, my community, society as a whole and on myself?

Get some therapy for the rampant fears and bad scenarios you are dreaming up in your head.

And, if you cannot overcome your fears, then marriage is not for you.

 

[TechieGuy]

If you don’t want to get married, don’t get married…

 

[gao280]

Thanks to you all for your replies!

@Reuben_J I found your message very interesting, but I would like to delve a little bit more deeply into the argument that God never fails in his grace. While I do agree with you that marriages fail because of us humans and not because of God, why does it matter? If a marriage fails, it will damage the family, the spouses, the children and the community even though God had no responsibility for it. And either you are saying that the Catholic marriages who fail are between spouses who didn’t ask for God’s grace, or you have to accept the fact that God’s grace might help making a marriage stable, but you can’t count on it, because it is ultimately up to the human decisions of the spouses. Otherwise no marriage could possibly fail, if helped by God’s grace.

Can God fail in his grace? Think about it. No, He cannot fail. Human fail, not God.

@BlueEyedLadies I also really liked your message, because it allows me to specify something about my question. When you say “risk everything for” I think it can be useful to make a distinction between risking everything to the benefit of someone and risking everything because of someone. It might seem irrelevant, but I think it’s very important. In fact, I’d be prepared to sacrifice all my life, possessions, time, to the benefit of someone that I love (for example my spouse). But getting married itself, especially if you know that your spouse will be able to just dumb you and not even talk to you anymore, is not a “favor” that you do to that person, nor something comparable to saving his/her life. To make an analogy here, if somebody or something seduces you into giving him or her all your money (for example a slot-machine!), you aren’t doing a noble act of charity by just giving it to him, you are just being defrauded. Similarly, marriage is not an act of charity! It’s just a vocation and a choice, which can have both positive or negative consequences depending only on the decisions of the other person (assuming, of course, that on your part you are 100% correct in the relationship, and treat the other with great respect and love).
It wouldn’t be a good idea to marry someone, risking everything that you have, because that person causes you to experience such strong feelings of infatuation that you can’t help making a reckless decision in order to calm your tingle…

You’ll either find someone you trust and are willing to risk everything for, or you won’t

 

[TechieGuy]

It wouldn’t be a good idea to marry someone, risking everything that you have, because that person causes you to experience such strong feelings of infatuation that you can’t help making a reckless decision in order to calm your tingle…

I dunno, it worked for me…

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

Well no, that’s not a good reason to marry. And if that’s as deep as you’re able to connect with another person, then no, you should not get married.

I guess I don’t know what your question is here. Not everyone should marry and you seem to have identified that about yourself, so why not focus on finding something positive you can devote your life to?

 

[Reuben_J]

Thanks to you all for your replies!

@Reuben_J I found your message very interesting, but I would like to delve a little bit more deeply into the argument that God never fails in his grace. While I do agree with you that marriages fail because of us humans and not because of God, why does it matter? If a marriage fails, it will damage the family, the spouses, the children and the community even though God had no responsibility for it. And either you are saying that the Catholic marriages who fail are between spouses who didn’t ask for God’s grace, or you have to accept the fact that God’s grace might help making a marriage stable, but you can’t count on it, because it is ultimately up to the human decisions of the spouses. Otherwise no marriage could possibly fail, if helped by God’s grace.

Reuben_J:

Can God fail in his grace? Think about it. No, He cannot fail. Human fail, not God.

Okay … you have answered your own question.

As I said, marriage is a choice. It should not be entered into, if one is not confident it will work, specifically if one is not prepared to give one’s life for the sake of the marriage. It comes with big responsiblity.

If one is willing to prepare for any eventuality that a marriage entails, then one can depend on the providence and grace of God in a marriage as one walks on its journey. And since it is a gift from God, we can look forwards for God’s guidance, protection and strength in one’s marriage.

As I said, most sacramental marriages last in the context that the couple is in fidelity to God. There is no other alternative to it, except that we must be men and women of God in marriages.

True, humans do not last but God does. When marriage breaks it is because humans are not faithful to the Sacrament (of marriage); not that God fails them. The precepts of God are laid before the couple in a marriage, it is up to them to keep them.

God bless.