Marriage: Bringing Each Other Down :(

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His_Ruby

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I haven’t posted here in quite a long time, because I spent a lot of time here when I found out I was pregnant and then through my miscarriage, and it was painful for a while to return.

But since then there has been a lot of struggling in my marriage… and it’s come to the point where I’m not sure what to do. We’ve only been married a year, and during that year I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, my grandfather whom I was very close to died, my 18-yr-old sister got pregnant unwed, a cousin committed suicide, etc. It’s been very intense. I got very depressed and so did he, I wasn’t cooking or doing my job around the house.

DH and I don’t fight. We’ve had our problems with him talking down and we’ve resolved those well. I had to start working while going to school, recently, and now we still don’t know how we’ll pay for next semester. Normal things.

I guess we are very similar and have addictive personalities. We don’t pray anymore, and in the pain we’ve gone through we resorted to doing ‘braindead’ things like sitting on the computer. Lately more than ever we try to get out, have walks together, go to movies, etc. We are very open and willing to talk about things… and today admitted that we are bringing each other down instead of helping each other up. We’re both extremists… either we are doing something right or we don’t do it at all. Like if we’re not eating healthy, we’ll eat out too much to an extreme. He is not happy with his job, and is often just very down about having to go to work, because it’s in the pharmaceutical industry and he doesn’t agree with it… and it’s leading up to a position and place he will want to be in, possibly… but he is not passionate about his work at all. So that’s a day-to-day downer.

I feel at a dead end. Something has to change. We haven’t grown distant in a way that prevents us from talking, we still have an intimate love life, but I feel like I have failed him in so many ways!!! I used to encourage us to pray, and now I don’t have ANY motivation to do that… and neither does he… I feel very self-centered and I will cry at the drop of a hat, though that seems to have gotten better. I feel neither of us is enriching the marriage, or attempting to bring much of anything to it.

I also think he looks down on me. That could just be my own lack of self-esteem. Recently he was upset about something and while we were coming upstairs to pack for a little trip to the beach he was saying, “Oh, we probably could eat on the table if you kept it clean like you promised when we bought it,” and things like that, sarcastic… and I am a very quiet person but suddenly I blew up at him and screamed, about how some boxes had sat in the living room forever that he said he would take down and get rid of, and I called him names. He said “Thank you” for it because he needed it… though I apologized for the name calling. That was the first time I ever raised my voice with him. I think I have serious self-esteem problems but he is a lot like his father who always thinks he’s right and talks down to other people, often just jokingly, not realizing that it can hurt. We’ve talked about this.

I feel I’ve been improving somewhat, just trying to do better each day. But I just needed to share this and hope maybe someone could share a similar experience or offer some advice. 😊
 
His_Ruby said:
I haven’t posted here in quite a long time, because I spent a lot of time here when I found out I was pregnant and then through my miscarriage, and it was painful for a while to return.

But since then there has been a lot of struggling in my marriage… and it’s come to the point where I’m not sure what to do. We’ve only been married a year, and during that year I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, my grandfather whom I was very close to died, my 18-yr-old sister got pregnant unwed, a cousin committed suicide, etc. It’s been very intense. I got very depressed and so did he, I wasn’t cooking or doing my job around the house.

DH and I don’t fight. We’ve had our problems with him talking down and we’ve resolved those well. I had to start working while going to school, recently, and now we still don’t know how we’ll pay for next semester. Normal things.

I guess we are very similar and have addictive personalities. We don’t pray anymore, and in the pain we’ve gone through we resorted to doing ‘braindead’ things like sitting on the computer. Lately more than ever we try to get out, have walks together, go to movies, etc. We are very open and willing to talk about things… and today admitted that we are bringing each other down instead of helping each other up. We’re both extremists… either we are doing something right or we don’t do it at all. Like if we’re not eating healthy, we’ll eat out too much to an extreme. He is not happy with his job, and is often just very down about having to go to work, because it’s in the pharmaceutical industry and he doesn’t agree with it… and it’s leading up to a position and place he will want to be in, possibly… but he is not passionate about his work at all. So that’s a day-to-day downer.

I feel at a dead end. Something has to change. We haven’t grown distant in a way that prevents us from talking, we still have an intimate love life, but I feel like I have failed him in so many ways!!! I used to encourage us to pray, and now I don’t have ANY motivation to do that… and neither does he… I feel very self-centered and I will cry at the drop of a hat, though that seems to have gotten better. I feel neither of us is enriching the marriage, or attempting to bring much of anything to it.

I also think he looks down on me. That could just be my own lack of self-esteem. Recently he was upset about something and while we were coming upstairs to pack for a little trip to the beach he was saying, “Oh, we probably could eat on the table if you kept it clean like you promised when we bought it,” and things like that, sarcastic… and I am a very quiet person but suddenly I blew up at him and screamed, about how some boxes had sat in the living room forever that he said he would take down and get rid of, and I called him names. He said “Thank you” for it because he needed it… though I apologized for the name calling. That was the first time I ever raised my voice with him. I think I have serious self-esteem problems but he is a lot like his father who always thinks he’s right and talks down to other people, often just jokingly, not realizing that it can hurt. We’ve talked about this.

I feel I’ve been improving somewhat, just trying to do better each day. But I just needed to share this and hope maybe someone could share a similar experience or offer some advice. 😊
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Its a tough situation.
I dont really know what to say… I have found my self in the spiritaul drought that you describe and not being able to pull my self up by the hair. I dont think you can either…
What I would suggest is that you get a job outside of the home… get out and feel active, social and useful some hours of the day if you dont already have a job.
I have found many times in life that too little activity is bad for a person’s mental health.
Besides from that… dont beat your self over the head… keep talking with each other. I think things will get better soon… Tell each other about the weaknesses you face in your selves and dont be afraid to show weakness… Its been a tough time for you…

And know this: Jesus is good… Loving… He cares for you. Dont be a perfectionist about Him… He understands. In your weakness He is working, even if everything seems useless right now in that area.

God bless…🙂
 
One of the things you have going is that you recognize what you need to talk about and then communicate with each other. I think too many young marriages hit a bump, don’t communicate about it, and the marriage gets hurt. Your communication is a big positive for you.
 
Prayers for you, Ruby!

I don’t really have a whole lot of advice, but DH and I have had our ups and downs too (we’ve been married for 2 yrs). We go through periods where we stop praying, sit on our computers, and don’t do much else. My only suggestion would be to just say one prayer a day together. Even if it’s just an “Our Father” in the morning or before you go to bed. To pray at all is going to help so much! Or to read something spiritually enriching together - maybe a page or a chapter a day. It will probably take effort, but it’ll be worth it! And continue to keep the lines of communication open. Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It’s a good book to help enrich eachother and I definitely would say read it, even if you already have. Also, with housework - maybe just get one thing done a day. Clear the table tonight, do a load of laundry tomorrow, do the dishes the next day, vacuum your bedroom the next. Also, reminding yourself that it’s for your DH might help too. I have a difficult time with housekeeping (I always have), but baby steps is what has helped me. If my DH walks in the door and the livingroom is cleared of clutter and the dishes are rinsed and there’s not laundry overtaking our bedroom floor, he’s a happy man. All those things take 10 minutes tops to do, so 30 minutes out of my entire day are worth doing just so he’ll be a lot happier when he’s home.

Okay, so I guess I did end up giving advice, but hope this helps! 🙂

ETA: Oh, a friend who just got married recently and I were talking on the phone today and she talked about how instead of communicating all the negative things, she realized she and her DH needed to communicate more of the positive things. Instead of saying, “Oh, you’re not doing this right” or “This isn’t what I expected” you could look at what’s going right. She gave the example of how when she cooks, he cleans - and her automatic reaction after dinner is, “I cooked, so guess who’s doing the dishes” when instead she knew she should be saying, “Thank you for doing the dishes!” 🙂
 
Hi Ruby,

I’m sorry things are hard for you right now. :hug1:

Are you going to Mass together?..that helps a lot.

I’ve been married almost 11 years…when we were married about six months, my Dad died suddenly. I was very attached to him and took it very hard. With some people, it causes them to get closer to God…but not with me…I wasn’t going to Mass at all at that point.

I know that you went through a miscarriage around the same time I did. With me, I was grieving, but DH was grieving in a different way. It was like 2 parallel lives…we were both sad, but somewhat unable to connect about it. When we do talk about it, it’s me that brings it up…he rarely does.

Do you have anyone to talk to about these things…maybe even your priest? A priest in a nearby parish was really helpful after the miscarriages.

Truthfully, the first year of marriage is an adjustment period in the best of circumstances, you need to learn to live with someone else and all the differences in your personalities and the was of doing things. When there are other circumstances thrown in, it becomes really difficult.

Sorry for the ramble…hope I could be of some help.
 
I think your marriage definitely has hope. Know why? He thanked you for setting him straight and admitted he needed it. This indicates he is a) mature b) self-aware and c) in love with you! Cuz no guy is going to thank anyone for setting him straight, even if he knows he needs it, unless he has a deep bond with them.

Also, you two have not resorted to punishing each other by withholding sex. You are still expressing your love in that way.

Sounds like you guys have been having a long rough patch. Tell him what you have told us, and commit together to communicating better and to doing at least one thing each day that is caretaking of the other or good for the marriage. Then follow through.
 
His_Ruby said:
I haven’t posted here in quite a long time, because I spent a lot of time here when I found out I was pregnant and then through my miscarriage, and it was painful for a while to return.

But since then there has been a lot of struggling in my marriage… and it’s come to the point where I’m not sure what to do. We’ve only been married a year, and during that year I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, my grandfather whom I was very close to died, my 18-yr-old sister got pregnant unwed, a cousin committed suicide, etc. It’s been very intense. I got very depressed and so did he, I wasn’t cooking or doing my job around the house.

DH and I don’t fight. We’ve had our problems with him talking down and we’ve resolved those well. I had to start working while going to school, recently, and now we still don’t know how we’ll pay for next semester. Normal things.

I guess we are very similar and have addictive personalities. We don’t pray anymore, and in the pain we’ve gone through we resorted to doing ‘braindead’ things like sitting on the computer. Lately more than ever we try to get out, have walks together, go to movies, etc. We are very open and willing to talk about things… and today admitted that we are bringing each other down instead of helping each other up. We’re both extremists… either we are doing something right or we don’t do it at all. Like if we’re not eating healthy, we’ll eat out too much to an extreme. He is not happy with his job, and is often just very down about having to go to work, because it’s in the pharmaceutical industry and he doesn’t agree with it… and it’s leading up to a position and place he will want to be in, possibly… but he is not passionate about his work at all. So that’s a day-to-day downer.

I feel at a dead end. Something has to change. We haven’t grown distant in a way that prevents us from talking, we still have an intimate love life, but I feel like I have failed him in so many ways!!! I used to encourage us to pray, and now I don’t have ANY motivation to do that… and neither does he… I feel very self-centered and I will cry at the drop of a hat, though that seems to have gotten better. I feel neither of us is enriching the marriage, or attempting to bring much of anything to it.

I also think he looks down on me. That could just be my own lack of self-esteem. Recently he was upset about something and while we were coming upstairs to pack for a little trip to the beach he was saying, “Oh, we probably could eat on the table if you kept it clean like you promised when we bought it,” and things like that, sarcastic… and I am a very quiet person but suddenly I blew up at him and screamed, about how some boxes had sat in the living room forever that he said he would take down and get rid of, and I called him names. He said “Thank you” for it because he needed it… though I apologized for the name calling. That was the first time I ever raised my voice with him. I think I have serious self-esteem problems but he is a lot like his father who always thinks he’s right and talks down to other people, often just jokingly, not realizing that it can hurt. We’ve talked about this.

I feel I’ve been improving somewhat, just trying to do better each day. But I just needed to share this and hope maybe someone could share a similar experience or offer some advice. 😊
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Hi ruby–sorry you are feeling down about your marriage…You know, I have gone through some similiar things in my marriage. My husband used to be verrrry sarcastic with me, and I read an article years ago that mentioned that if a person is ‘chronically sarcastic,’ that it is really a disguise for how they really feel about something. My dh would often say…‘Ah, you know I’m kidding.’ I said, you never talked to me this way when we were dating, why now? That surprised him, and from then on–seriously–he stopped being sarcastic to me. Your dh’s table comment reminded me of that. That being said, marriages go through seasons. Sometimes there are storms, sometimes just cloudy overcast days, sometimes rainbows galore! I think that if you both continue to hold each other’s hands, go for walks, and find something positive to say about life, about each other, etc…and you will slowly come out of this season. My mother in law, in her wise words…will tell me…this too shall pass.

I hope this helps.:o
 
Hi Ruby,

:console: I know exactly what you are going through. My DH and I had some pretty traumatic things happen in the first two years of our marriage. His Grandpa died 6 months after we tied the knot and his sister died a year after that. Then, he started job-hopping. When you add all of the emotional baggage I brought into the marriage, we were not in a very good spot at all. We never prayed together, except for maybe at meals. We still went to mass together, though.

Shortly after our 3rd anniversary, DH and I were fighting so badly, he moved out for a month or two just to get some thinking room. He would drive back home on the weekends to mow the yard for me. So, I knew there was something still there. We decided to start doing things together again.

Thankfully, the Good Lord took away most of our “friends.” I use the quotation marks because I had nearly everyone telling me that I should divorce him. Praise God that DH came home and we were able to start communicating again (instead of yelling at each other all the time.) Shortly after that, DH and I made Cursillo weekends and began to learn about our faith.

We began to pray together and make sacrifices for each other. Granted, we both still have VERY hot Irish tempers. But, we do not go to bed angry. Whoever came up with that advice was a very smart person.

From your post, it sounds like you and your DH are still very committed to each other and love each other very much. I know how hard it is to do this when you are feeling low, but begin to do small acts of love for your DH. Perhaps seeing him lifted up a bit will help to lift you a bit, too.

I second the advice about finding a good priest to talk to. Our priest was so helpful with me after my SIL died. We met weekly for probably two years or so. He also helped me with working through things when DH and I separated for that brief time. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to bring you a good priest to give you direction during this time. It will be tough and you will be emotionally raw, but being emotionally raw is better than being numb!

Remember, even though you may feel miles from God, He has brought you these trials to help you grow closer to Him. Go and spend time before the Blessed Sacrament and pour out your heart to Him. He’s waiting there just for you!

That reminds me of something else that DH occasionally makes me do. He will get our picture of the Sacred Heart and have me pour out my heart to Him in the picture. Either way, True Presence or image of His Sacred Heart, God will take what you give Him. It’s OK to show Him your anger, too (if you are experiencing that emotion). If you didn’t, it’d be lying to Him.

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you!
 
Ruby,

What a year you’ve been through! What occurs to me while reading all of the things you and your husband have endured together is that you each have probably had enough stressors to cause substantial anxiety or depression. You may find it instructive to take a few minutes to complete a Life Stress Inventory, which is a simply checklist of all the stressors - both positive and negative - that have occurred during the past 12 months. You can find the test here:

harvestenterprises-sra.com/The%20Holmes-Rahe%20Scale.htm

It sounds like, despite the difficulties you’re experiencing right now, the two of you have a solid foundation of love and respect! One thing my husband and I discovered during the first two years is that marriage counseling is not just for couples who have had it up to here and want to call it quits; in fact, it’s much better applied to couples just like you, who are struggling with the simple ins and outs of learning to be the best team you can be. A few sessions with a good counselor might give you some very useful tools for working through the rough spots.

Courage to you both; you are going to make it!
 
His Ruby,

DH and I have been married about the same amount of time as you and I hear you about the difficulties in that first year. We’ve had two miscarriages, some medical stuff, and lots of extended family drama…but you know what? When all is said and done, I’d marry my DH again in a heartbeat…even with the fights, the tears, the depression…because we’ve gotten through all that together.

After my second miscarriage, I had a period of just really bad depression. I hated going to work. I work as a civil engineer–and I never intended to make a career out of it–just work until I got married and had kids. Well, as things have turned out, I have difficulties keeping pregnancies, so I’m stuck in a job I don’t really want as well as not having the blessing of children. It just felt so dead end. I would come home crying and just hit bottom emotionally…every…single…day.

But my DH was there for me. He held me. He argued with me sometimes, but eventually he understood that I just needed him to help me through it and I hated it as much as he did.

I found that I was beating myself up more than anyone else. More than my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers…more than God…and I had to break myself of that habit. Instead of saying to myself “oh, you’re so lazy” or “oh, you should be doing more” I’d remind myself that I would never talk to someone that way–why the heck was I talking to myself like that? :o And then I’d try to work on things one step at a time. Need to cook more? Work back to it with hamburger helper or frozen meals. Need to clean more? Set it yourself one task at a time.👍

Now our marriage is better than ever. I also worried that we were just bringing it each other down. So now I try to make sure we pray together every night…even if it’s just a Hail Mary. It makes a huge difference. 👍

I also try to make sure we eat dinner together and get some “talk time” in every evening where the tv is off and we can hear about each others’ days and plan for the rest of the week.

And we’ve also been focusing on doing fun things together…little weekend getaways. 🙂

Ya’ll are gonna make it, Ruby. 👍 Ya’ll have a good foundation, you’re just going through a rough spot. :hug1: I’ll be praying for you both!

kevinsgirl 🙂
 
I agree with the checking into a counselor for a few’ maintenance sessions’. When we got married and did family/marital counseling (we had 7 kids between us) it salvaged us as I was the one ready to walk away several times in the 1st year.

You have love on your side, you both just need to find the ‘cues’ to keep from backsliding into a bad situation.

My prayers are with you both.

Marriage.being married is truly the hardest thing to learn to do/be - BUT is also the most rewarding! There ARE many ups and downs throughout though. Knowing that and keeping perspective is a big plus.
 
kevinsgirl said:
I found that I was beating myself up more than anyone else. More than my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers…more than God…and I had to break myself of that habit. Instead of saying to myself “oh, you’re so lazy” or “oh, you should be doing more” I’d remind myself that I would never talk to someone that way–why the heck was I talking to myself like that? :o And then I’d try to work on things one step at a time. Need to cook more? Work back to it with hamburger helper or frozen meals. Need to clean more? Set it yourself one task at a time.👍
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kevinsgirl,

You sound just like me! This is great advice. It reminds me of the movie What About Bob? I joke a lot about babysteps. But, it is such a great concept and not too hard to implement.
 
reganq said:
kevinsgirl,

You sound just like me! This is great advice. It reminds me of the movie What About Bob? I joke a lot about babysteps. But, it is such a great concept and not too hard to implement.
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I love that movie–😛
 
You know something, I cannot help but think that plenty of marriages that have lasted well over 50 years began very much the same way that yours is. Don’t worry too much 🙂 Don’t think about the future too much either, take it moment by moment. Compromise, work it out moment by moment, and offer up purely, for your kids and husband, those struggles that you have to go through so much day by day.

unworthy
 
Thank you for all the thoughtful replies. They gave me a lot of hope and I appreciate all of them. 😃
 
Ruby, I am praying for you.

It sounds like you have had to experience more than your fair shares of hardships and genuine human loss so early on in your marriage. My prayers to your Mary too. hug

Remember why you fell in love with your husband? What was it about him that made you think “he is the one”? Rediscover this about him, and rediscover yourself. I think you received some wonderful advice about getting out and doing things. It will work wonders on your self esteem and your emotions. It’s easier to communicate and handle the tough stuff when you have a way to clear our the cobwebs, and will help you get back to the girl he married. Also remember that he went through all of this with you too, and he may need some hand holding and self esteem boosting as well.

Much love, my dear. :console:
 
Hi Ruby,

Sometimes when I am in a funk that just seems so hard to shake, I do kind of let things go. It can seem overwhelming to even try to make a dent at times! But, having said that, I have found that sometimes to jump start myself I need help! I find that one thing at a time is a good rule for me to keep from getting overwhelmed.
I’ve had friends come over for a ‘cleaning party’ to help me get a grip on the house. I buy the pizza, and I so appreciate the comeraderie.
As for the marriage…I agree with previous posters, if you still have intimacy, you CAN pull through this. Maybe try dating your spouse - it doesn’t have to be expensive - could be a walk by the lake or matinee movie…just get away from all the stress and enjoy your time together…and of course keep praying:thumbsup:
 
Aww… your situation is so hopeful. You’ve had a bad time. But there is so much to work with here.

First off, the prayer. One of my brothers and his wife start the day this way. It’s beautiful. As he leaves for work they stand by the front door and hold hands and pray that God will bless each other while they are apart. They thank God for what they have and ask that He guide them that day. That’s all. But it sets the tone for the rest of the day and allows Grace in. IF that’s all you do all day prayer-wise, it’s the best you can do. Try it. It will multiply itself like all of God’s blessings.

Now sit you both down with a piece of paper. Write five things you want to accomplish as a couple in the next year.

Now take turns writing down things you think will get you there.

Work as a team.

And no more sarcasm. Sarcasm is a shield for the person doing it. They feel they are communicating in a humorous way, and they feel they are getting their message across. But it doesn’t feel that way to the recipient. So from now on here is a rule you follow: When someone wants something done:

Instead of: This table is a mess. Too bad you didn’t keep it clean like you promised…

Do this: I can’t see the pretty table. Where did it go! AAAHHH! Help me clear it. Working as a team… instead of doing it yourself and being angry, always the team.

If he promises a kiss at the end, it’ll get cleaned that much faster. 😉

Reward each other for what you do right.

Don’t give up. Too many people do that. This too shall pass. Go hold hands, take a walk, light candles, do something out of the ordinary.

And every day each of you leave a post-it note on the bathroom mirror detailing at least something the other did that made you happy. Even if it’s only “You breathed today. I’m glad for that.”

Hang in there.

👍
 
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