Marriage Counseling Session Gone Bad

[TranquilAbiding]

Time to ditch the counselor. That is completely unprofessional behavior. A counselor shouldn’t be “taking sides” like that for one thing and certainly should be respectful of each spouse’s cultural and religious needs/beliefs.

I also suspect that there is a bit of a cultural difference problem here due to differences in what constitutes “leisure” time and the importance of it that a good marriage counselor should be able to recognize and handle appropriately. If you don’t recognize and address the cultural differences in your marriage, you’re heading for trouble.

Additionally, I wouldn’t pressure your wife to attend Mass with you if she doesn’t want to do it on her own. Make sure she knows that it’s OK with you if she doesn’t attend. If she’s going only to please you, it’s only going to contribute to your problems.

All very good advice, masondoggy Unfortunately, the idea of “leisure time” causes lots of anger for my wife right now. Yes, we need a good counselor!

 

[TranquilAbiding]

masondoggy said:

“I also suspect that there is a bit of a cultural difference problem here due to differences in what constitutes “leisure” time and the importance of it that a good marriage counselor should be able to recognize and handle appropriately. If you don’t recognize and address the cultural differences in your marriage, you’re heading for trouble.”

Yes.

“Additionally, I wouldn’t pressure your wife to attend Mass with you if she doesn’t want to do it on her own. Make sure she knows that it’s OK with you if she doesn’t attend. If she’s going only to please you, it’s only going to contribute to your problems.”

Very true. And take at least one child when you do so.

If she’s a really Type A, hard-charging type, she may really miss you guys while you’re at Mass and not know what to do with herself without you. That’s not bad–let her miss you if she doesn’t come to Mass.

Thanks, Xantippe I took our two year old son to Mass yesterday. He did great.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

Does she realize that when your wife “signed on” to marry a Catholic, she explicitly signed on to accommodate the practice of your faith and your obligation to hand the faith on to your children? If you and she obtained the dispensation to marry, that was in the explanations, up front.

She told a Catholic that the weekly obligation to attend Mass and the parental obligation to raise children in the Catholic faith is selfish? Not only would I get a new therapist; I’d send a letter of protest to the licensing board.

Any therapist who claims that parents ought to take no time to themselves needs to be fired. The question ought to have been to your wife, to ask what she is going to do with when she takes the time she needs for herself. What on earth kind of marriage counselor makes the odd presumption that a committed parent and spouse will need no personal time, or would berate a client for wanting one hour on alternate weeks?

A therapist who uses derogatory language, including derogatory body language, with a client also deserves to be replaced. That was not therapy. That was dictation of the terms of your life according to her personal standards, not the standards of her profession. That is not acceptable.

Yes, I need to send a formal letter of protest to the licensing board. I agree with you!!

 

[TranquilAbiding]

Personally, I think a person making demands and expectations on their spouse to totally abandon their religious duties and practices that are important to them is what is selfish.

The most important thing for a strong marriage is mutual respect. If spouses can’t respect what is important to each other and support each other, they will never, ever survive.

I am going to commit this to memory. It is so true, masondoggy!

 

[TranquilAbiding]

It boggles my mind that a therapist would even imply that a client needs to give up yoga or the gym, when it is only once a week, as if that is a frivolous hobby. Good grief.

I’m married to a non-Catholic; going to Mass alone and taking the children alone is often part of the bargain. Not always, but probably more often than not. Most people I know married to non-Catholics consider it a favor if their spouse attends Mass occasionally, unless regular attendance was a specific understanding they had when they married.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I can relate to you

 

[TranquilAbiding]

TranquilAbiding,

I’m sorry to hear of your experience.

I’m clinically trained.

Your therapist committed malpractice. Stop seeing her immediately. You have grounds for filing a complaint with your state’s health services department, or a similar agency.

Find another therapist, preferably one who will not commit such a gross countertransference. She has a serious anti-religion bent.

Does your wife have any religious/spiritual affiliation? That would include ancestor worship or a belief in Buddhism, Taoism, or Confucianism. You need to find some common ground.

Thank you for your support, Artar!!!

My wife is of the Hui ethnic minority in China. The Hui are Muslim. My wife does not eat pork. But she is atheist.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

You need to go to a different counselor right away! That was NOT okay!
Now, if you’re Catholic, Catholic Social Services has Catholic Counselors. It sometimes DOES make a difference, as you’re seeing.

The counselor might even be an atheist! How could you possibly begin to have an atheist counsel you about matters of faith?

If you can’t find a counselor of your faith, make sure your counselor is at least open to your faith…is a person of faith, or at least will not hold your faith against you.

Thanks, ClearWater!

 

[TranquilAbiding]

1. Counselors are not allowed to favor one spouse and not the other. They are supposed to put the subject on the table, have a discussion, offer advice, give food for thought, and let the couple make the decision on how to solve the problem. They are only a helper. Yes, do change counselor. Try Catholic Charities.-------
2. You need time to expand your mind by doing what you like to do. It’s called living. Prayer time, yoga, reading…it will make you a better person and better parent.
3. I love daily Mass and attend as often as I can.
   May God in His infinite love watch over you and your family and bring peace in this situation, through Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Thank you thank you!

 

[TranquilAbiding]

A family member of mine had a bad marriage counselor. It became apparent during this experience that such an advisor can be harmful. To protect your marriage, you ought to find a different one. I agree with the other people here.

Thanks, mdgspencer.

 

[SamH]

Everything? Even … meetings with a therapist?

Seriously, if you, as you should, are bringing your children with you, then what’s the problem? Your therapy sessions are sans children, so they are worse by that definition. Of course, working on you marriage is important and that is FOR your children, but so is Mass (as others have pointed out).

I remember the people that were going into family therapy in college. They usually came from the most screwed up backgrounds imaginable (at least in my limited imagination), at least 50% were recovering from some addiction or another (in their teens and early 20s). The older they were (non traditional students) the more likely they were to be “recovering”. The only people that competed with them were the theatre majors.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

Would you consider going and taking the children? This would leave her a 1 hour break.

Or do you NEED her there to control the kids! ( and if so, does she know this?)

Does she work outside the home?

My wife loves me taking one of our kids- or both- away to church! It does give her a good break