Marriage crisis

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Asella

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This is so hard for me to write. I don’t know where else to turn. My husband and I have been married for a few short years. We have been struggling with infertility the entire time. I was hoping and praying for a baby. Until today. I understand now why God has not blessed us with a child. Up until now I had been fooling myself into thinking we had a good marriage. But today I woke up. My husband has been emotionally abusive towards me for a while now. The last straw came today when he cursed at me and called me some vulgar names in front of others. I was so embarrased. He has a foul mouth and has been using it against me for months. He consistently expresses his unhappiness with me–I don’t cook good enough, I don’t earn enough money, I don’t dress trampy enough for him. I’ve heard it all. And this is not the only problem–he drinks excessively, is addicted to gambling and pornography. But I am at fault also. It has come to the point where I don’t show him any affection anymore. I avoid him. I never realized it until now, but as I’m replaying the events of the last few months in my head, I realize that whenever he walks into a room in our house, I go into another room. When he goes out drinking with his friends, I find that I am excited that he is leaving so I can be alone in the house. I prefer not to be in his company. The sad thing is, I have been lying to myself for months about the sad state of our marriage. The truth is I deep down wish I had never married him. He is not the type to seek counseling, and I would feel like a failure if we were to divorce. What should I do??
 
Asella,

I am sorry to hear how much you are hurting. Infertility is very hard on marriages. My husband and I went through 7 years of it before we adopted two children, but that’s another topic. Pornography is very damaging to marriages as are gambling and drinking. Sounds like you and your husband are living separate lives. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce and we attended a retrouvaille weekend. It really saved our marriage (not that we don’t have problems, but we have the knowledge and tools to work on the difficult times). I suggest you read the following threads:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=48758

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=50079

and do go to www.retrouvaille.org
 
Just out of curiousity, how does his father treat his mother? And, how does he treat his mother?
 
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StratusRose:
Just out of curiousity, how does his father treat his mother? And, how does he treat his mother?
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From my understanding, his father used vulgar language frequently when my husband was a child. My husband became addicted to pornography and gambling because of the influence of his father (his dad had the same problems.) His dad spoke badly of all religions when my husband was a kid, therefore my husband was never interested in religion. My father-in-law was “born again” a few years back, but by then my husband was too old to be influenced by his dad’s new found Christianity. My husband has spoken disrespectfully of me in front of his parents using vulgar language, and they just sit there and stare. His mother never seems to stick up for herself or have concrete opinions. His parents have also spoken disrespectfully to me.
 
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Asella:
From my understanding, his father used vulgar language frequently when my husband was a child. My husband became addicted to pornography and gambling because of the influence of his father (his dad had the same problems.) His dad spoke badly of all religions when my husband was a kid, therefore my husband was never interested in religion. My father-in-law was “born again” a few years back, but by then my husband was too old to be influenced by his dad’s new found Christianity. My husband has spoken disrespectfully of me in front of his parents using vulgar language, and they just sit there and stare. His mother never seems to stick up for herself or have concrete opinions. His parents have also spoken disrespectfully to me.
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From your first post, this is what I had suspected. The way men treat their mothers and how their fathers treated their mothers is a good indication of how he’ll treat you. (There are exceptions.) If your husband is concerned about getting counseling tell him that a divorce will be more expensive. My dad wasn’t quite as disrespectful as your husband is to you, but when he was a jerk to my mom, she would completely ignore him. It drove him crazy. Then she would say, “When you’re read to speak to me like a human being, I’ll be ready to listen.” You are very lucky that you don’t have children to be concerned about right now, count that as one of your blessings. Children are easy targets for verbally abusive people.
 
I cannot stress it enough. RETROUVAILLE RETROUVAILLE RETROUVAILLE!! this program is a GOD SENT for troubled marriages. do anything you can to get him there.
 
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Asella:
The truth is I deep down wish I had never married him. He is not the type to seek counseling, and I would feel like a failure if we were to divorce. What should I do??
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Your determination to stay married is admirable, but admit that you are in an emotional divorce now. His treatment of you is also incompatible with anything deserving of the name “marriage.” I’m not saying, “give up”, but rather “the status quo is a divorce without end.” Your instinct to “do something” is the right one. You have nothing to lose by acting, because you will surely lose everything if you don’t.

You are in a spot, to be sure. I have heard some spouses have gotten results by holding up their end but while refusing to accept disrespect as their lot in life or a life of addiction as the rightful perogative of their spouse. You might find some help in the decisions before you in the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. (It was a best-seller, published in 1999, so your library may have it.) You will have to give yourself to prayer, accepting this process as your cross for the present, because your husband will accept no counsellor other than the Holy Spirit. Make certain that you have a counsellor for you. It need not be a professional, but it should be someone who is both experienced and holy. Your pastor might have a recommendation. Do not try to do this alone!

My heart and prayers go out to you. Worse marriages than yours have come off of the rocks, though. Nothing is impossible with God. I hope you will be back in time with a wonderful story to tell!

PS The poster who noted how telling parental marriages are made an excellent point. Family dynamics are crucially important in learning what trials may be before you after you marry. Never marry someone without seeing what they were taught about the meaning of the words “marriage” and “family”!
 
Well, I think it is good that you are now aware that there are some serious problems in your marriage, and it would be great if the two of you could go to some marriage counseling.

I think alot of people tend to be “blind” to the unhappiness in their marriages, and it seems alot of them want a baby due to the fact that they think a baby will “save” the marriage or make things better. Maybe God is looking out for you and doesn’t want you to have children until it is done for the right reasons and until you have gone through some counseling.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Karen
 
Are these behaviors that he kept hidden from you before your marriage? If that is the case, you may have grounds for an annulment. However, that should be the last result. For the first ten years of our marriage, we did not place Christ as King of our home - we did not practice our faith, we led separate lives, and both of us wallowed in our own self-abuses. We truly disliked each other. I had only one friend who did not advocate divorce, but prayer, and to this day she remains my best friend. We will celebrate (happily) our 25th anniversary in June.

I think the retrouvaille suggestion is a good one. I’m not big on Marriage Encounter and kumbaya stuff, but if you can find one inch of common ground, there is hope.

Please don’t look at your inability to have a child as a “sign from God.” Stress (and it sounds like you have plenty) can be a huge factor in infertility.

I will keep you close in my prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

God bless,
Sue
 
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