Marriage: Financially Ready

  • Thread starter Thread starter KCT
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

KCT

Guest
My 19 yr old daughter recently attended a friend’s wedding. The groom lives in MD and his parents- who live in Maine- are helping him pay rent on his apartment because it’s so expensive here. I assume that when the couple returns from the honeymoon, she will get a job and they will be able to afford their own rent. (I assume; I don’t know)

Personally I don’t think a couple should marry until they are prepared to cover their own expenses. Our 19 yr old is engaged, and I hope that her fiancee will have an apartment that he can afford on his own before they marry. (she has 2 more years of school, so it won’t be for a while)

How do you all feel about financial readiness for marriage? —KCT
 
KCT,

I found myself really surprised by your post. I guess that my husband and I never considered getting married until we could at least afford our own rent, which meant that he would have to have a “good job” while I finished school.
Sure, we wanted to get engaged before he graduated and got a job, but we waited, and sure enough, God sent him a “great” job instead and we went through with our plans.
My parents would have freaked out if we had told them that we planned to make such an adult decision without being able to accept adult responsibilities.
Plus, that couple will probably have money problems throughout their marriage, since they will probably not learn to be “responsible” with money if it is fed to them by parents. Also, just think about how many fights they will have about being “indebted” to the parents, and how they will feel “obligated.”

Just my pithy thoughts!
Jess Havin
 
Whoa, Nellie…you have no idea what a can of worms you’ve opened up here…there have been more than a few heated exchanges on this topic…esp. once the issue of having kids before you are financially stable comes up. Fasten your seat belt…
 
Island Oak:
Whoa, Nellie…you have no idea what a can of worms you’ve opened up here…there have been more than a few heated exchanges on this topic…esp. once the issue of having kids before you are financially stable comes up. Fasten your seat belt…
Click to expand...
I had no idea. I was looking for comments from people who got help from parents or didn’t get help and how it turned out.

My dh and I got engaged while in college w/ the understanding that we wouldn’t get married unless he had a job upon graduation. He was offered a job in January before our May graduation so things worked out fine. My parents would not have given us money nor would we have expected them to. If we are mature or adult enough to marry, we should pay our own expenses.
—KCT
 
Personally I don’t think a couple should marry until they are prepared to cover their own expenses.

👍 :clapping: :yup:
 
40.png
Lilyofthevalley:
Personally I don’t think a couple should marry until they are prepared to cover their own expenses.

👍 :clapping: :yup:
Click to expand...
😃 I can understand when they are overcoming a hardship lose of job etc. My daughter and family lived with us for over a year when they returned to the state.
 
My parents helped pay for the wedding and reception, but we have always been and continue to be on our own for everything else.

We like it that way.

Our siblings, however, have sometimes gotten the hand-holding treatment from both sets of parents and it used to drive each of us crazy.

My husband and I were both the oldests in our families and as such, a certain amount of responsibility was always firmly placed upon our shoulders. Both of us think that because we’ve always accepted that responsibility, our parents have never even entertained the idea of throwing free stuff our way.

My husband’s sister Lisa is 23, a college graduate, and living at home this summer “to relax.” She’s gone to Europe three times in the last year, once for six months, all on her father’s credit card. The only job she has ever had was at a pharmacy as a stock girl when she was 19, which lasted approximately three months. She has a degree in e-marketing and finance. Her father paid for every dime of her college education, financed her living expenses and even allowed her boyfriend to move into the family home. They have since broken up and Lisa is about to return to Europe in the fall for “one more trip” before she “considers” working. She told me with a very serious and earnest face that she’s not sure she’s cut out to be the working type…

My husband’s sister Stephanie is 17 and has a monthly allowance of $1000. This does not include her car payment or insurance, as her parents take care of that. She also does not purchase her own clothing or anything else; the money is simply to spend as she wishes.

My husband, however, financed all of his college education entirely on his own. We are paying off the loans now and have made huge dents in them. His parents did not contribute anything to his education and it was simply expected that he would pay and make his own way. My husband also had a job lined up nine months before graduating and went to work days after graduating–no summer trip and certainly no multiple trips to Europe! He also paid his parents rent during the short time he lived there before we were married, after his lease ended, so he would not have to move in with me and create scandal that way.

My brother is 24 and my mother provides about 35 hours of free childcare and two overnights per week to him for his 18 month old daughter. My dad pays for his gym membership, too. (He is in the military and is overseas, but just left a couple weeks ago. This has been going on since the baby was born.) My dad talks about financing private or Catholic school education for the baby, so my brother and the baby’s mother will not have to pay.

My 18 year old sister is going to college in the fall and will have it completely financed by my parents, including spending money. My parents pay for her cell phone, gym membership, all clothing, entertaintment, car insurance, etc.

My 19 year old sister who is NOT in college (but works full time) is moving home in August to live with my parents. They will be paying her storage locker to put all of her new furniture that they just bought for her in it. She wants to save money and is looking forward to the free rent…

It’s a little sickening now that I just typed it all out. I went to college early and when I turned 18, expenses regarding the furthering of my education also became mine.

However, my husband and I–though older, of course, at 25 are the only ones from our respective siblings’ groups who can claim to have financial independence and do not go running to my parents at the first sign of trouble. There have been hard times in our two years of marriage but even just today, my husband and I were talking about how WONDERFUL it is to have our reliance be on GOD and between the two of us. We are able to make decisions that are our own, because we do not have to worry about what our parents will think, do or say–they are a support to us in an emotional sense but because we have established our independence, there is no one to answer to but each other and our Lord.

cont’d
 
I did have one very weird conversation with my mother before we moved a couple weeks ago, about how she and dad wanted to make an investment in another home and put my husband and I in it, and we would make the house payment for them. I was like, um and what would the benefit to us be??! She sounded surprised and was like, well you’d have SO much space this way… I was like, ummm I think we’ll stick with our three bedroom apartment and choose a house of our own when we’re ready.

I think the other side of the coin is that I sometimes worry about my parents and his parents being utterly guilted by our siblings. They come to expect a certain amount of financial support and start demanding it. All of our parents have difficulty saying no to our siblings when it comes to money. Since they are all nearing their retirement age, it makes me sad and somewhat annoys me that all of our siblings have a slight tendency to take advantage of what was freely offered at first but perhaps continued for different reasons. I know my parents have every ability to say no, but I rarely see that happen with perfect follow-through.

Anyone considering marriage needs to be MATERIALLY ready to do so! Being an adult in this world is expensive and requires careful management of finances, the ability to sacrifice and the dedication to have long term goals. Plus, marriage means openness to children and if one comes along, it’s going to be very hard to support a family when you can’t even support yourself and a spouse.
 
40.png
Lilyofthevalley:
Personally I don’t think a couple should marry until they are prepared to cover their own expenses.

👍 :clapping: :yup:
Click to expand...
Amen Lily!!! But then again I think this is indicitive of the way people expect to be “taken care of” in our society today. I wouldn’t have thought to marry before we could afford our own place and any little blessings God sent our way.
 
I can understand when they are overcoming a hardship lose of job etc. My daughter and family lived with us for over a year when they returned to the state

A couple falling into bad times is a different story.

Blest I don’t know. I think parents feel like the NEED to provide for their adult children.
 
I think our culture is in a transition phase on this. Years ago, when families lived close, when people had farms land, etc…it was more common for newlyweds to recieve a significant “start” from families. (or it seems that way to me, I may be way off).

I know of many who recieved cars, down payments for homes, career track jobs, a start at a farm, college tuition etc. That is a HUGE help to a new couple. Somehow that doesn’t seem to happen any more, or it happens in the way described in the first post, a modern version of an old tradition. That is perfectly acceptable, if the family has resources to share, and that is how they choose to share them, then they are valid resources to be taken into account.

Why should the couple wait just on “principle”. Life is so iffy, there are no guarentees. How nice for them that family can and will help out. That is the way it should be, and is for so many. I share all I can with my kids, and wish I could do more. I do not have financial gifts to give, so I share other skills and talents.

That is the true meaning of love and community, people taking care of each other, people taking care of their families.

cheddar
 
In theory, I say, the couple marries, they are mostly on their own financially. I don’t want to butt into their business, and that includes their finances.

In practice, my ex-son-in-law was never good with money, good at lifting a book of checks and not telling my daughter until they were overdrawn. He even forged on their old maritial account long after the divorce and expected her to assume the debt; wondered why the military police were at his front door along with the civil authorities.

So, we did help them when they were married from time to time, $50 here, $100 there. We felt, though, that we had the right to be nosey and ask where our money was going- and asked for proof. It helped keep the borrowing down.

When he left our daughter with a 4 week old baby and a not-quite-two year old, we felt we had to help to some degree. We put in a lot of baby-sitting time. We lent money for an attorney (not gave), esp. when the ex-son-in-law wanted to just take the kids for two weeks, having not seen them in over two years. But she became more and more dependent, and we became more and more aggravated that she was becoming more of our grandchildren’s sister and less their mother.

SO- we had to set up a way to wean her off our good nature and bank account, and also have her become her children’s parent. I am happy to say the only thing we pay at this point is Catholic school tuition- that’s tuition; no daycare, no afterschool care, no lunches, no field trips, no Scholastic book club, etc. We set up an account a long time ago for our kids’ weddings. They were told if they got married and were pregnant, half the money was going into an account for their children’s education. That’s what pays for that.
 
ODD FAMILY OUT.

When our DD married our wonderful S-I-L we all planned our lives together. We are generational in this home. We built on to a standard three bedroom 1970’s home. What was a three bedroom two bath hone now sports six bedrooms, livingroom, greatroom and seperate sittingroom for those of us that want to get away. Funny we don’t want to get away very much.

I went to work to provide the extra income so that our DD could stay at home with the children and homeschool. Yes we are looked on as being odd. But, there are many advantages with our living this way.

When it comes time for us to retire the house and family pets will still be looked after.😃 If someone gets ill there is always someone to look after the weakest one. If a child falls or gets hurt there is always someone to hug them or care for them.

If someone needs a hug there is always a pair of arms to hug with. Soooo many blessings that we can’t always count them.

Are there draw-backs? Sure there are some. Privacy can be hard to actually find when the children are awake. Things get missplaced and sometimes broken by “someone.” Meal cooking and cleanup can be a real chore (could use two dishwashers.)

Walking in from a hard days work to screaming children and noisy animals is not soothing to the head.:whacky: When you are in your fifties and sixties you can be ready for some peace some days.

Some day I will think to ask if we were financially ready for our lives. But, right at this moment there are toooooo many other things to worry about. Like what flavor ice-cream everyone wants when we go out for ice-cream om the “new to us” van that GOD has blessed us with. Health, love and the ability to have what we need and be able to share it with others.

Thank you GOD for all of the Blessing you have given to us and all of the future Blessings you will give us.
 
Just logged in to see what’s developed on this thread and I wanted to say that I in no relate being financially “ready” (aka sustainable–not talking fancy cars or down payment on a house) to get married and financially ready to have a baby.
I think that marriage is something two people choose and take responsibility for while children are something God chooses for us and we then accept responsibility for.

However, parents often assist a young couple, (our parents, for our wedding gift, gave us money for a honeymoon, despite the fact that we had saved up for it) completely unsolicited. No problem taking that!
However, a house down payment or a house (like Princess Abby) seems to overstep my personal comfort levels.

I think that the idea of a generational living environment is awesome, if you are up for it. What a wonderful place for grandchildren to be raised and exposed to Christ’s message of sacrifice. God Bless!

Jess Hav
 
40.png
JessHav:
Just logged in to see what’s developed on this thread and I wanted to say that I in no relate being financially “ready” (aka sustainable–not talking fancy cars or down payment on a house) to get married and financially ready to have a baby.
I think that marriage is something two people choose and take responsibility for while children are something God chooses for us and we then accept responsibility for.

However, parents often assist a young couple, (our parents, for our wedding gift, gave us money for a honeymoon, despite the fact that we had saved up for it) completely unsolicited. No problem taking that!
However, a house down payment or a house (like Princess Abby) seems to overstep my personal comfort levels.

I think that the idea of a generational living environment is awesome, if you are up for it. What a wonderful place for grandchildren to be raised and exposed to Christ’s message of sacrifice. God Bless!

Jess Hav
Click to expand...
No no no no! 🙂

They were not going to give the house to us. 🙂 It was an investment for THEM. We were just going to live there until we buy our own house, but we chose not to do that. I did not want to be their tenant.

My parents are very generous people but they do not give my husband and I anything material, past dinner once a week or more! 🙂
 
I think that many people will mistakenly not get married until they are “comfortable” not “sustainable” and then enters problems of premarital relations, cohabitation, etc.

Young people want to live the same types of lives as their parents now (who are decades ahead of them in the working world). :eek:

My husband and I have a ton of debt (mostly student loans). He got laid off 3 months before we married and I just graduated and didn’t have a job. Still the fact is that we could marry, get an apartment and live simply until things came around. And they did. 5 years later the debt is there but we work at it and provide well for the kiddos. And we are very happy. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Finances can present a burden. However this burden, with prayer and willingness to improve your situation, can strengthen a marriage and a couple’s communication. (No, I am not saying to enter blindly though).

When my parents knew we were going through a tough time they “just happened to be in the neighborhood” with a couple grocery bags filled with few things. It was kind and didn’t make us feel embarrassed or dependent. I do think this is way different than paying for a couple’s rent.

The comments here are interesting.
Thanks for the talking point.
 
Well I guess I am the black sheep around here…

My husband and I planned to marry before I finished school, but just after he finished his. We had to start planning the wedding a year in advance, so all the reservations were made, invitations sent out, etc, well before our wedding.

My husband ended up not passing a class and not graduating on time. He lost his job 3 weeks before the wedding. He was unable to find a job, then decided he wanted to go into the military. This was all well and good and we couldn’t think of any reason why he shouldn’t or wouldn’t be able to be accepted. All of this transpired within months of the May wedding.

We went ahead with the wedding, making the decision to live with his parents in their basement apartment for a few months while he did his military thing and I went back to school for my final semester in the fall. Over the summer we were served papers that Shane (well, the car insurance company, really) was being sued for $1.1 million because of a minor accident (yes a real accident- one involving twisty roads and a rainy evening) he was at-fault for from three years prior. The suit was full of bogus claims, like the wife had a fear of driving so she needed $200,000 and the like.

By the time September rolled around, I was 2 months pregnant. Shane had applied to the military and been given the run around on some issue that was holding him up for his security clearance. I finished school and moved back in to my in-laws apartment, but being a non-citizen of Canada and 6 months pregnant, I couldn’t work. Shane worked for his dad (a carpenter) to pay for our groceries and other bills, but we did not pay rent.

Shane finally found out that what was holding him back was a debt that had been payed off years ago, so the application went ahead. Then we found out that because of the outstanding lawsuit, he couldn’t be accepted into the military. He immediatly started looking for a job in his field (since then he had completed his final class and we had both graduated). The job market, particularly in his field, was very bad at the time.

So here we are, 2 1/2 years for marriage, 1 1/2 years from when Shane started looking for a job- he finally found one after a year of applications and interviews. The lawsuit still isn’t settled, so he still can’t be accepted to the military, which he still wants to do.

We still live in his parents basement apartment- his salary at this job is so low we don’t think we could even afford rent for an apartment around here, and we don’t have many expenses to cut back- just groceries and car insurance. We could afford to buy a house, but with Shane still wanting to do the military, we don’t know if we should. Our son is 15 1/2 months old, and I am almost 3 months pregnant with our second baby.

His parents are wonderful to let us live here, but I hate it. It’s been a sore spot in our marriage since we moved in 2 1/2 years ago. However, I don’t know what we can do- he doesn’t make enough money for us to move out and I can’t work because we have two babies I have to take care of.

Would I do this all over again if I had the chance? No way. However, I don’t know what I should have done differently. We didn’t know he would lose his job just before the wedding, or that he wouldn’t be able to find a new one, or that he wouldn’t be accepted into the military for something he couldn’t control. By the time we found all this out, it was too late- the wedding had to go on.

I definitely think children should do everything in their power to be financially independent before marriage, but sometimes things happen.
 
I am so sorry for all you have and are going through. I am glad that family was willing and able to help, isn’t that what family if for?

All the things in your scenario are what we call life, it comes at us, often with no warning and we have to deal with it. Security is a fallacy, we have brief tenuous moments of it, but no matter what, no matter how careful, responsible, etc we have been, it can all change in a second, material security that is…

It is so important that we have the true security of our faith, our families and our commitments to fall back on when life gets ugly. That is the real security. No matter how much money you have in the bank, it means nothing without faith. And no matter how little you have, faith can keep you moving forward in spite of it all. Loss of material goods, independence, privacy are lamentable, but survivable.

I do hope that things turn around so that you can enjoy some material relief soon, meanwhile, keep fighting the good fight, you are not alone.

cheddar
 
40.png
kristacecilia:
Would I do this all over again if I had the chance? No way. However, I don’t know what I should have done differently. We didn’t know he would lose his job just before the wedding, or that he wouldn’t be able to find a new one, or that he wouldn’t be accepted into the military for something he couldn’t control. By the time we found all this out, it was too late- the wedding had to go on.
Click to expand...
Wow, God bless you for being so patient! It is hard when things beyond our control come up. I guess I’m hoping my dd can avoid some of that – meaning they don’t make too many plans until her fiance actually has a job and an apartment. Obviously he could get laid off right after, but if she has graduated and has a job, they might be OK. I hope all works out well for you. Congrats on the new little one!! --KCT
 
Corrections:

Sorry Princess Abby, I thought that you were saying that your parents wanted to put money down on a house for you guys to help out…didn’t mean for that to come out the wrong way.

Wow, Krista, I am soooooo sorry for the things that have happened in the last couple years. I guess your situation does go to show that couples can *think *they’re financially ready but the Lord might have other plans…

I guess the key is for couples to do the best that they can to be responsible, but humble enough to know that God controls our lives, no ifs ands or buts. Personal pride in “being ready” for anything can be just as bad as “flying by the seat of your pants.”

Jess Havin
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top