Marriage Help

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ShellyLynn

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This is my second post. I introduced myself at the water cooler.

I have been married to another Catholic for 20 years. We have two children. My problem is that my spouse nags and lectures all the time. He tells me that it is shameful that the business that feed our family is not larger considering how long I have been at it. He also tells me that he is embarrassed to be married to me because I am always concerned with “little me” instead of getting things done.

At least twice a week I get lectured on my shortcomings. About half the time I just agree. When I disagree I am told I am self defensive and just don’t want to hear it. The lectures continue until I tell him that I was wrong.

I am responsible for everything that goes wrong whether it is my children’s attitude (my bad example) or not enough sales in our business. The taxes, the cars, the house - all my fault.

I recently started working at church to meet other volunteers. I have not gone overboard and abandoned by family. I really enjoy it. I got a small Christmas gift from the priests I help. they did not see me, but I cried. It has been so long since another adult was happy to be around me and grateful for what I do.

He will not go to counciling because everything is my fault. I go to counciling and I have begun a program of prayer and spiritual direction. I am afraid that my spouse will make me give up the church work if he feels it interferes with meeting his needs. I do most of the work at home after everyone is asleep

The church work makes me very happy. But it also makes me angry at my spouse. I want to tell him that there are people who enjoy my company and do not think that I am a complete loser. If I say it, however, I will have to quit the colunteer work.

Can I just give up on talking to him and go along? Is it possible that I am really that self centered? He thinks I have a mental problem. My psychologist does not think that I am crazy.

I am just so tired of being treated like this. I avoid him at home by working, cleaning, helping the kids. etc. Anything to get away from either a lecture or being given something else to be responsible for.

Any advice?
 
Shelly my heart goes out to you. Your husband is obviously a very insecure person. That is typical behavior of insecurity, tearing others down to make yourself feel better. This behavior you’ve endured is emotional battery. Has your counselor given you any direction? If your children hear him speak to you in this way they will grow up believing this is acceptable which it is not.

This may sound scary for you but if your husband refuses help you should consider separating from him to protect your own emotional health and that of your children. I don’t say this lightly. Your husband is suffering no consequences for the abuse he is inflicting on you and has no reason to change his behavior. Even if his allegations were true (which I’m sure they are not) his belittling of you is still wrong and unacceptable.

I had friend that used to be physically abused by her husband. My mother made the rediculous comment “what is she doing to make him mad.” I about lost my mind. I said “I don’t care if she slept with every man on the block he has not right to put his hands on her.” Even if there was an ounce of truth to his accusations he is still incredibly out of line.

You sound like a caring, giving person - I believe it’s your husband that is suffering from mental problems. My advise would be to talk with your counselor about the possibilty of seperating from this very unhealthy relationship. Maybe he will change but he won’t do it unless he suffers consequences for his abuse, and finally see’s that he is the one with the problem.
 
Rayne’s advice is very sound, and I would second it. Nothing you are doing or would do justifies such abusive behavior on the part of your spouse.
 
I’m sorry to hear about this situation. It’s hard to give advice over the internet, but the one thing that I was thinking after all this is do not give up the counseling and spiritual direction.

Pray, pray, pray, and hopefully you will be clear on what God wants of you. It does sound like he is abusive to me. One aspect to consider is how it affects your children to see their Mother put down all the time. Is this the role model for a marriage that they should see?

Anyway, I hope that the counseling helps and that you can keep doing the volunteer work, which sounds really good for you.

Good luck, Nicole
 
Be cautious when advisors address the permanent Sacrament of Marriage as:
“… possibilty of seperating from this very unhealthy relationship…”
Punishment may indeed work, temporarily, but it won’t last after the routine settles back in.
Marriage is waaay past a relationship, which one can have with a brother. mom, step parent or just about anyone.
First I strongly suggest that you keep to proper context…IN a Sacramentally VOWED marriage.

So, what if the counselor just happens to be in favor of divorce as a solution? Come now, a counselor to one person can be a demon to another person. That is not the answer, for she has already been with a counselor. She is looking for solutions from CA forum, outside of counselors.
  1. This forum may not be the best place to get the salutory advice.
    2. Look first to those Pros who have a history of success in repairing, fertilizing and growing a current marriage. There are several that are publishers and can be found on the internet with a minimum of effort.
  2. Examples of these are found by clicking here and here
    Be sure to read all the customer reviews.
    It has a whole spectrum of tested methods, any of which you may find to be the one that works in your case.
  3. Basic Male:
    a. Men are visual perceivers. That’s how women are able, if they wish, to be such accomplished visual deceivers to men.
    b. Men overlook countless “shortcomings” when visual perception is pleasing in their mind. (whatever it may be to that particular man. and you should know.)
    c. Men tend to be reactive. women, proactive. You change something, he reacts.
    d. Both men & women have an ongoing need to be appreciated.
    Your post is a testimony to this, and men are the same way.
    e. Women have a greater perception of detail and nuance than men. Use it to your advantage, not to your disadvantage.
    Basic Family:
    a. KEEP your kids insulated from “joining sides”.
    b. This will eventually resolve inside the marriage, if you do not dispair, but keep working at it.
    c. Those kids showed up in your lives after a certain “relationship” in the marriage. The “relationship” must continue to be pleasing to both of you. If not, then find out how to make it so, pronto.
Since I could run into the “Peter Principal” on this post, I will end by saying:
Get help from SUCCESSFUL marriage healers. NOT just any counselor. Try the books, tapes, etc on amazon or other sites. The answers to your particular situation ARE out there, and not hard to find. Husband bashing and getting ready sympathizers here to reinforce it WITHOUT ever seeing BOTH sides is not, however, one of the proper answers. Again, stay proactive…and cunning!😉
 
thank you all for your advice. I was not trying to bash my husband and look for sympathy. I am not running away from the marriage. But I do have to tell you that the lectures and nagging is real. You are right, I should stick with the spiritual direction, prayer and counseling. If you think that it is best I guess I can hit the bad post button and have the thread removed.I have not made my children take sides, but I have discussed that putting people down is not correct and that my handling of the situation has not been the best. I have also talked to them on many occassions when I was wrong.

My counselor has not suggested that I leave. He is Catholic too and came recommended. We are sorting out my end of the deal. I can only change myself.
 
The more I think about this last post, I probably should have just shut up and stayed quiet. The problem I have now Is that I don’t know how to kill it. So, If any of you know how to kill this thread, please do it. I will stick with my plan and go somewhere else.
 
Your marriage sounds like how my marriage was. I suffered from a severe depression because of the emotional abuse I had to endure. In periods I thought that he was right that everything was my fault.

When I got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes he said it was my fault and it was God’s punishment for my faults and wrongdoings. I was very close to commit suicide and I had planned in detail how to do it. I was convinced that the world would be a much better place without me because my then husband had told me that over and over again.

Read this article about[ Some of what’s written might ring a bell. The best person to seek advice from is your local priest or some other priest you trust. Maybe your confessor can be the man you can confide in. He will be able to give you direction and may refer you to some good counselors.

You are in my prayers.[] Master Suppression Techniques.](http://kilden.forskningsradet.no/oversikter/ht/engelsk.htm/url)
 
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ShellyLynn:
My counselor has not suggested that I leave. He is Catholic too and came recommended. We are sorting out my end of the deal. I can only change myself.
Click to expand...
Good for you. If he won’t get help, do what you need to do. Glad you found a good, Catholic counselor. You never know, your example may eventually have a positive impact on your husband. Even if it doesn’t, you can get the help and encouragement you need.
—KCT
 
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ShellyLynn:
This is my second post. I introduced myself at the water cooler.

I have been married to another Catholic for 20 years. We have two children. My problem is that my spouse nags and lectures all the time. He tells me that it is shameful that the business that feed our family is not larger considering how long I have been at it. He also tells me that he is embarrassed to be married to me because I am always concerned with “little me” instead of getting things done.

At least twice a week I get lectured on my shortcomings. About half the time I just agree. When I disagree I am told I am self defensive and just don’t want to hear it. The lectures continue until I tell him that I was wrong.

I am responsible for everything that goes wrong whether it is my children’s attitude (my bad example) or not enough sales in our business. The taxes, the cars, the house - all my fault.

I recently started working at church to meet other volunteers. I have not gone overboard and abandoned by family. I really enjoy it. I got a small Christmas gift from the priests I help. they did not see me, but I cried. It has been so long since another adult was happy to be around me and grateful for what I do.

He will not go to counciling because everything is my fault. I go to counciling and I have begun a program of prayer and spiritual direction. I am afraid that my spouse will make me give up the church work if he feels it interferes with meeting his needs. I do most of the work at home after everyone is asleep

The church work makes me very happy. But it also makes me angry at my spouse. I want to tell him that there are people who enjoy my company and do not think that I am a complete loser. If I say it, however, I will have to quit the colunteer work.

Can I just give up on talking to him and go along? Is it possible that I am really that self centered? He thinks I have a mental problem. My psychologist does not think that I am crazy.

I am just so tired of being treated like this. I avoid him at home by working, cleaning, helping the kids. etc. Anything to get away from either a lecture or being given something else to be responsible for.

Any advice?
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I’m really sorry that you have to endure this 😦

My father treated my mother similarly to how your husband treats you. And the best advice I can give you is to think of your children.

How does your husband treat them? Is he similarly critical? Does he put them down? Does he pressure them by his constant nagging?

Also, if your children see how your husband treats you they will become psychologically damaged. They could become insecure, depressed, anxious and a bunch of other things.

I would strongly urge you to do whatever it takes to provide a good environment for your children to grow up in.

My mother did nothing to stop my father and all of her children suffered.
 
Getting away from an abusive person is not the same thing as divorcing someone just because the “spark” is gone.

You’ve been getting away, already - when you go to your parish to do volunteer work, you’re getting a little space and a chance to get some perspective on your marriage: you’re finding out that there ARE adults out there who can actually like and appreciate you!

There is an excellent book on verbal abuse (I believe it’s called “Verbal Abuse”) and I recommend reading it, or at least googling “Verbal Abuse” and reading whatever you can.

I was once involved with a verbally abusive man and, if I had found myself married to such a person, I would not have hesitated to leave him. Since I respect the sacrament of marriage, I would be willing to go to counciling and work fixing things, but such abusers are usually unable to recognize that they’re the problem. Leaving them usually wakes them up, and they’ll say they want to make things work. Unfortunately, they’re often unable to change, and when they do change, it’s only with a LOT of work.

I think a parent has a duty towards their children.
 
Tell your husband you are interested in what he has to say but only if he can communicate with you in a respectful manor. Leave the room and say you will try again in 10 minutes. If he can not explain what he is saying in a respectful way then tell him what he has to say will have to wait. Then cheerfully go about your business ( easier said then done I know). You must train him not to speak unkindly to you. You do this by setting the limits as to how he may speak to you. You can tell him that the content of what he may be trying to say may or may not be accurate but either way without respect you will not listen.

You will quickly learn if this about him really trying to communicate with you or just trying to make himself feel better by putting you down.
 
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ShellyLynn:
The more I think about this last post, I probably should have just shut up and stayed quiet. The problem I have now Is that I don’t know how to kill it. So, If any of you know how to kill this thread, please do it. I will stick with my plan and go somewhere else.
Click to expand...
This sounds like your verbally, mentally abusive husband’s conditioning talking here. 😦
 
I am here to encourage you to get involved in something so you feel strong from within and try going to Mass every day or every other day. I find when I go to Mass that the gospel speaks to me directly. I have been through a lot with my husband over our 20 years of marriage, including dealing with a nurse that he became friends with and spent hours with and she would call him regularly; I have dealt with him sneaking and buying things and telling the kids not to tell me; I have dealt with him not speaking to me for days at a time; I have dealt with him not coming home for years until late at night and I did not know where he was; he is a Catholic and devout at that.
**
I am finding that I will not let him speak to me this way any more. I also am figuring out how to not upset him too much by what I say.
**
Please find something for you so you feel valued.
 
I have probably failed in not letting the children see the tension; they have taken sides.
 
Invite your spouse to do a Marriage Encounter with you. In might be the best investment you will make in your marriage. It will remind him why he was attracted to you in the first place. After 20 years sometimes we just need that time together. Just put Marriage Encounter in any search engine and you will find it, or check with your Family Life ministry in your diocese. and never stop praying!
 
And if necessary try a Retrouvaille retreat instead for trouble marriages. This provides tools for improving a dysfunctional relationship. You can find out that from your diocesan marriage ministry as well. God bless you both!
 
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