Marriage Intimacy Problems

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faithful46

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My wife and I have been married for 18+ years and are practicing NFP. She knows when she is fertile and when she’s not, which helps us to know when we can be intimate with each other, but for her she wants to be intimate only when she’s fertile.

Another problem has come between us that is my problem. I have problems with PE. Not long after penetration do I feel the strong urge to ejaculate. She needs a long time to climax and I can’t satisfy her that way.

Most of the programs that help people with PE issues involve masturbation until you almost reach climax, then stopping, then starting and continuing for as long as you can to know what your limitations are. I know that masturbation is a sin, but in this case, I want to solve the PE issue to be more intimate with my wife.

How can I reconcile my personal sanctity with doing what’s necessary to become closer to my wife in our marital embrace?
 
Instead of using masturbation to practice control (for the PE), do that during intercourse. Stop moving before you ejaculate, then proceed, then stop…just make sure you complete the marital act at some point.

You can satisfy your wife (to climax) prior to your penetration, or after. Immediately as she reaches her point, you can complete the marital act vaginally. OR, immediately after yours, you can bring her to climax which will foster better semen uptake into the cervix (regardless of the state of fertility). The completion of the marital act is not dependent upon the wife reaching climax “penilly”, as it were. It is dependent upon intravaginal ejaculation on your part.
 
I’ve tried that with her, but it brings attention to the problem and she gets frustrated and becomes turned off. I appreciate your reply.
 
Hmmm…well, it is a good thing when both spouses are clear about what they do and don’t like, and certainly getting “turned on” or “turned off” is largely a bodily response, not a rational decision. Still, there is a degree to which one, as I remember one movie quote put it, can choose to “work up a certain enthusiasm.” There is what she does and doesn’t like, that is important, but what you can and cannot do is also an unavoidable issue for you to tackle together, as a couple.

It is OK for your wife to stimulate you (with communication, as you imply will be needed) as foreplay; that is not masturbation. If your wife is willing, you might want to talk to your pastor about this, as it is difficult to talk about these sorts of things to total strangers on the internet.

As for only wanting to be intimate when fertile, that very typically how women’s bodies work. Many women experience most of their desire when they are fertile. Again, this is a matter for communication, give and take, and the willingness to “work up a certain enthusiasm” (or the reverse, when needed) from time to time, just because you love each other.
 
faithful46 said:
My wife and I have been married for 18+ years and are practicing NFP. She knows when she is fertile and when she’s not, which helps us to know when we can be intimate with each other, but for her she wants to be intimate only when she’s fertile.

Another problem has come between us that is my problem. I have problems with PE. Not long after penetration do I feel the strong urge to ejaculate. She needs a long time to climax and I can’t satisfy her that way.

Most of the programs that help people with PE issues involve masturbation until you almost reach climax, then stopping, then starting and continuing for as long as you can to know what your limitations are. I know that masturbation is a sin, but in this case, I want to solve the PE issue to be more intimate with my wife.

How can I reconcile my personal sanctity with doing what’s necessary to become closer to my wife in our marital embrace?
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You might want to discuss the PE issue with a good doctor. These days, the “masturbation programs” (largely an artefact of the Masters / Johnson era, and only 25% effective in the long run) are being superseded by medication. 🙂
 
If you have respect for sex and God, as it seems you do, then use your conscience to guide you through. The CCC is a teaching guide, not an end all be all for every situation. Charity and mercy should always be shown to have precedence over general guidance.

Talk to a priest to make sure, whatever you decide to do, is not disrespectful to the marital act in light of your struggle.
 
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